Hi Sars,

Could not resist responding to “Obsessed’s” request for information.

While support groups are great, for both emotional stuff and for information,
when dealing with medical matters it is essential to check and double-check
anything anyone tells you.This is especially true in the case of groups on
the internet made up of “fellow sufferers” and the like.Most people are
truly just trying to help and be helped.However, a small minority are:
relaying gossip and half-remembered folk remedies; selling something, either
explicitly or on the sly; or just crazy-asses who enjoy spreading
misinformation.

Reputable places to get information about medical matters:

www.medlineplus.gov (National Library of Medicine for laymen; their Health
Topics will point you to articles, clinical research, and specific
organizations dealing with the health topic)

www.noah-health.org (NY Online Access Health, again points to articles and
organizations, plus you can look for reputable support groups)

http://www.mayoclinic.com/index.cfm?(The Mayo Clinic in MN — lots of
articles, very down to earth)

For questions that are health-/sex-related, the excellent Go Ask Alice has probably already answered your
question, or will answer it quickly and professionally — no matter how
strange or perverse you think it is.

And if the internet lets you down, try your local library — in addition to
those expensive medical-student-type books, many libraries have access to
journals (in paper and in subscription databases) that have the latest info
on medical conditions, new treatments, et cetera.

Sorry to be so long-winded, but I hope this helps.

Yours,
Lorraine The Librarian

Dear Ms. Bunting,

I have so many problems going on in my life right now that you’re probably
going to be all, “Where should I start?” when you give me your snarky
response.

My parents divorced when I was entering high school. Infidelity and
alcoholism were the main reasons for their split. My sister was already in
university then, so she was far away, enjoying the life of a freshman away
from home for the first time; I had to remain in our hometown, where I
faced the gossip and finger-pointing as my family’s dirty laundry became
public domain. In high school, I tried to kill myself by gobbling down a
bottle of Tylenol. My family pretended it didn’t happen, and I quickly
became the black sheep after everyone found out (but didn’t talk about) my
brief stint in a hospital as a result of my suicide attempt.

A few months
later, I went away to university, emotionally unprepared. In the fall, I was
sexually assaulted. I didn’t report it. I didn’t seek counseling. I buried
everything away and stayed in my dorm room, sleeping the semesters away.

I finally told my older sister a year after the assault. She made it clear
with subtext and anvils that she didn’t believe me. I strongly believe that
she told my mother, although she has never confronted me about it. I
recently moved in with my mother after she became ill in a new small town in
the middle of nowhere. The population is three hundred. There are no job
opportunities. I’ve applied everywhere and received one bite: the contract
was for five months, and that job has since ended.

Now I’m 20, unemployed, depressed, without a degree, and overweight. I’ve
been gaining weight since I’ve moved in with my mother and I can barely
stand it. Every day when I look in the mirror, I want to claw at my own
reflection because it makes me sick. I’ve started coaching myself to vomit
after meals when my mother isn’t around. I’ve given myself little projects
to do to keep myself busy (renovations around my mother’s new home, cleaning
out closets, washing cars) but I don’t know how long I can keep this up.

I’d like to go back to school, but I have no idea what my ideal career would
be. I like to write, but I don’t have the talent for it. I considered
becoming a vet, but I know I’m not smart enough. You said once in your
column that you should just pick a path and go with it, but I can’t do that
and realize that the career isn’t what I want, because of financial reasons.
We are not well off. If I’m going to spend ten thousand a year, I better be
sure that this is the one. I can’t go into therapy for my depression (one
step ahead of you) because of money, and since I’m not a student and don’t
have a job, I don’t have insurance.

I desperately need some advice. Everything I’ve come up is a dead end.

Wandering

Dear Wandering,

You’ve had a really rough go of it so far.Your family seems to suck.You haven’t gotten the support you needed, either for your suicide attempt or for surviving a sexual assault.Now you’ve got a budding case of bulimia and you live in a crappy town with your crappy mom and things look pretty damn bleak.

I don’t want to tell you that things can’t get worse, because things can always get worse — your leg could fall off or something — but things usually get better too.I think the question here is how to start making them better.The first step is to tell yourself, even if you don’t quite believe it at first, that things can and will get better, and that you can and will take steps to make that happen.

The next step is to start writing a few things down.Right now, everything sucks and you hate yourself and it’s huge and overwhelming.Make a list of things you want to change, about your life, about yourself.It’s going to look just as depressing at first, all written down like that, but if you can tackle one piece of your life and check it off the list, that’ll give you a bit of confidence.Break it down into smaller bits of suck and hate, bite one off, and start chewing.You can do it.

I would start with your depression; you have a lot of serious and valid issues that you need help dealing with.Make a list of those issues.Then make a list of the possible support groups you could research that deal with those issues — sexual-assault survivor groups, Al-Anon, eating-disorder groups.Now get the Yellow Pages down from the shelf and see what you can find in the way of free or low-cost counseling services, hotlines, and so on.Go online; see if there’s a newsgroup or bulletin board where you can talk to people who have had similar experiences.I understand that not having insurance increases the level of difficulty here, but resources exist that you can avail yourself of for little or no money.You can do it.

The next item in your outline: “I Have To Get The Fuck Out Of Here.”You need to get a job, even a part-time thing, and you need to move out of your mom’s house.Yeah, she’s sick.Sorry, but you have to save your own life.Yeah, it’s a tough job market.Sorry, but you have to get out of the house and earn some money.Break it down into manageable bites, like I said before.”Day One: Work on c.v.Day Two: Polish cover letter.Day Three: Proofread c.v. and post on Monster.com.”You can do it.

You can do it.Whatever “it” is, you can do it.It’s going to require reserves of strength you don’t think you have, but you have them.You got through your parents’ divorce.You got through trying to kill yourself.You got through the rape.The world wants you down on the ground so it can kick you, but that’s too goddamn bad.Get up and fight back.Kick and spit and punch and scream until you get the happiness you deserve.You can do it.

Write back soon; tell us how it’s going.We love a happy ending around here.

Dear Sars,

Blah blah blah Vine rocks…blah blah blah you rock…yadda yadda. Okay.
Let’s see if I can keep this relatively brief.

There was a woman in my life whom I’d known for upwards of 12 years; she
was a very good friend and I cared about her a lot. For the record, I
did date her for a very brief period of time in the beginning, but
while many people think of her as an ex of mine, I think that’s
irrelevant; she was just a dear friend. We’ll call her “Sherry.”

Sherry was a great person, and a smart cookie, but unfortunately, she
ended up in a lot of bad relationships. This includes the one she had
been in for the last five years, during which time she had two
children, now three and four years old. Problems with this guy — call him
“Danny” — include him being verbally and emotionally abusive, and not
tolerating her having any contact with me because he saw me as a
threat. He never could understand how an ex-boyfriend could really and
truly just be a friend. He believed this to the point where he a) didn’t
believe I was actually married, accusing Sherry of making that up; and
b) accused Sherry of secretly meeting with me regularly for sex,
despite the fact that we lived a good 400 miles apart. He was also
known to be a racist.

During the entire five-year period of their relationship, I never got
to see Sherry because of him, and we were only able to talk
infrequently because she often had to be stealthy in order to do so. I
was obviously extremely frustrated, and often tried to get her to leave
him, but never with any success. She claimed she loved him, and she
also (I think truthfully) said consistently that he was a wonderful
father to the children despite his treatment of her.

This past Monday, Sherry passed away rather suddenly after an
on-and-off battle with cancer. She was 28. I went to attend memorial
services for her this weekend, and met Danny for the first time. He was
tearfully friendly to me, and told me he didn’t care about any of “that
other stuff.” He accepted my business card and my offer to let me know
if there was anything I could do.

So much for keeping this brief. Here’s my dilemna. I know that Sherry
and Danny were in a very poor financial situation prior to her death,
and I can only imagine what it must be like now. While I still don’t
have any real fondness for Danny, and I remain bitter because he is the
reason I didn’t see her before she died, I do have a great deal of
concern for those children. I have an overwhelming desire to send money
to Danny every so often in the hopes that he’ll use it for their sakes.

The question is, is this a bad idea? Am I inviting trouble? Is it in
poor taste to send money when it hasn’t been asked for? I don’t know
enough about how Danny will change (or not change) without Sherry
around to even know if money I sent would be used on the children at
all.

Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Mournfully Confused

Dear Mournfully,

I’m sorry about your friend.

Your instinct is a generous one, but I would wait for Danny to ask you for help.It’s safe to assume that, between his family and Sherry’s, the children will be provided for.

If you really can’t bear to sit on your hands, send something in non-cash form — toys or children’s books, for example, or a gift certificate to Gap Kids.

[9/26/02]

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