Sars,

I agree with absolutely everything you said to “Wandering” yesterday, but I’d add one thing.It’s possible that it’s the last thing she wants to hear, and it’s hardly the panacea some folks would have you believe it is, but I’d add “take walks.”It’s pretty well-established that some level of regular exercise is a cheap way of helping alleviate anxiety and depression, and it’s sort of doubly good because her physical condition seems to be one of the things that’s getting her down.Best of all?Free.And can be done anywhere.

It’s not a “your life is bad because you’re fat; become a hardbody and all your problems will be solved” line of crap at all; it’s purely that it might make her feel better.It might also help her feel effectual again — after all, you know you can get up and walk from here to there, and then you’ve done it, and it can be a reminder that you do have some control, and can choose to go do something and go do it.Go for the counseling, go for the help line, get out of Mom’s house — but I’d try a little activity, too, just as a relatively straightforward addition to the list of strategies.It’s sure to be a long road, and every advantage she can give herself is probably worth it.

Converted Former Skeptic

Hey there,

The situation is like this — for a very long time I had romantic leanings towards a woman I was friends with. I’m a pretty shy guy, and thus I tended to not say anything. About a year ago, she almost died in a car crash, and it made me think that we don’t know how long we’ve got, so…I became a bit braver, and we started hanging out more. Finally, I told her how I felt, and asked if we could try to take things a little deeper. She told me she had a habit of sabotaging relationships, but she’d give it a try if we went “slowly.”

Fast forward a few months. We’ve been having a good time, but the slowness is almost painfully slow. Finally, one night everything explodes as she has oral sex with a mutual friend about six feet from me while both parties think I’m asleep.I darn near go suicidal over it, and the rest of that season is spent with me being a frelled-up basket case unable to trust just about anyone.

Finally, several months later, I find that, as we both share the same social circles, I’m going to have to interact with her. I slowly build up some trust again, and we even get to the point where we can hang out alone together and be pals. Then, after one friendly get-together where some unfortunate words are said, she storms off and lets me (and some others) know in no uncertain terms she will “never” be our friends again. A week later, she retracts said statement, but in the meantime, I drop to basket-case levels again.

My friends tell me I’m trying to like her too much, that she’s hurt me and that I should just stop trying to regain the friendship. They may be right about the first part — I really do want to be her friend, but it seems like she’s…well…a little toxic to be around. I don’t want to think that way, and maybe I’m just deluding myself about it. I dunno. I’m sort of in a quandary — I don’t want to cut ties, but is that the best thing to do? And if so, what about the co-joined social circle we have?

Sam, who doesn’t like to lose friends

Dear Sam,

In the short term, yes, cutting ties is the best thing to do.You don’t have to get all operatic about it and slap her in the face with a glove or anything.Just stop trying to maintain the friendship.She’s not in an emotional space to deal with you at the moment, and if you keep pushing her for something she can’t give you, you’ll keep winding up in Basketcaseville.

Remain civil.When you run into her, act friendly.But don’t count on her as, or think of her as, a friend anymore.She’s too selfish for that right now, and you need to get that message.

Sars —

I met a woman through an online personal ad. We live
kind of far apart, so we starting emailing. Before too
long, things heated up and we were talking on the
phone every day and everything was wonderful. She sent
me love poems and told me, in not so many words, that I
was the girl for her. We had planned to meet as soon
as our respective schedules would allow (we had
exchanged several photos, so no surprises there).

Suddenly and without explanation, she cooled off a
bit. She said she wanted to take a step back and slow
things down. We were still emailing every day, but the
tone had changed. I finally said I didn’t want to be
just friends, that I wanted to continue on with the
way things had been. She seemed to be offended that I
didn’t want to be her “friend.” She also rather
casually mentioned she had met somone new and that
they were spending lots of time together (the new
person lives in her town).

WHAT THE??

I am taking care of myself and trying to get over
her, but I just can’t understand how someone could be
so sure and confident and say all those romantic sexy
things to me, then claim she just wanted to be
friends.

Dashed hopes

Dear Dashed,

She did it because she could.It’s pretty easy to say things online — inflammatory things, romantic sexy things, whatever — because you don’t have to take the same kind of responsibility for them that you do with an in-person encounter.Look no further than the garden-variety flame war for proof; people will say bitchy crap to you online that they’d never try to your face, because it takes place at a physical remove.

Not to say that online communication is by definition insincere, but common sense demands that we view it more skeptically than face-to-face interaction, particularly in matters of the heart — and that’s not to say that what happened is your fault, either.She played you, basically, and that’s bullshit.But a lot of times, that comes with the territory.

Chalk it up to a learning experience, feel grateful that she showed her true colors before you got any deeper into it with her than you already had, and exercise a bit more caution the next time you begin an online liaison.

Dear Sars,

Here is another roommate/money dilemma for the Vine. Last year, when I was a senior in college, I rented a four-bedroom house with five other girls. I stayed one semester (let’s call me #4), while the fifth girl (#5) moved in for the other. #5 and I each paid $175 for the security deposit, while #1 and #2 paid $350 each. The problem is #3, who did not pay a security deposit at all (she gave the landlord $350, but used it as her last month’s rent).

When my last month came up, I accidentally paid the security deposit again, even though I had already paid the money for the last month’s rent when I signed the lease. The landlord refused to return the money, instead using it as #3’s deposit. I hoped I would get it back when our lease ended in May, but the landlord said the house was a mess and did not return ANY of our security deposits (a different matter stemming from bad subletters during the previous summer). So, I ended up paying $525, while #3 didn’t pay anything!

Anyway, #3 is my friend, and I feel bad asking her for the money because her family has very little money and she has to work to pay her housing costs in school. My parents supported me during college, but now that I have graduated, I really need the money. I also want this belt back that she borrowed and never returned. How can I bring this stuff up and still maintain a friendship already made difficult by the fact that we moved to different cities? Also, should I call, or write a letter, or send an email?

Signed,
No security

Dear No,

“Hey, #3, how’s it going?Listen, I feel bad bringing this up, but I wound up paying my deposit twice and covering your deposit, so, as it turns out, you owe me $175.When do you think you can get that money to me?”

Yeah, she has to work to pay her housing costs, but she should, you know, actually pay those costs.Make a note of when she says she can pay you back, and expect her to stick to that.

You have the right to ask for the money.It belongs to you.But you should prepare yourself for the possibility that she’ll get shirty about it, or that she’ll “forget” to pay you back, and you should give some thought now to how you’ll want to handle those eventualities friendship-wise.You’ll have to decide which is more important to you, getting the money back or staying friends with #3.

Whenever an amount of money over $100 enters a friendship — a loan, a rental agreement, whatever — consider putting the terms in writing.It might seem paranoid or litigious or like something that “true friends” wouldn’t need to do, and you don’t need to get it notarized or whatever, but outlining who owes what and signing it can prevent numerous misunderstandings and resentment down the line, especially in a complicated roommate situation like this one.

[9/27/02]

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