Hi, Sars. I’m a longtime reader of your site and love everything on it, especially the GBC. Hee.

Anyway, my friend has this cat. It’s not what you’re thinking. Both the friend and the cat are individually fine. Neither of them pees outside of the litter box. It’s just that my friend lives across the country, so ours is mostly a phone relationship, and she likes to interrupt our conversations to talk to the cat. Now, I realize that pets feel like members of the family after a while and cats are particularly demanding sometimes, and the occasional “Ow!” or “Hush, I’ll feed you in a second” is perfectly understandable, but she stops me mid-sentence to have long, involved talks with her cat to the point where I feel like I’m on a conference call with Dr. Dolittle. We only get to talk on the phone about once a week, too, so this isn’t like one of those sprawling random conversations where we both say whatever passes through our heads.

I’ve tried every polite way of dealing with this I can think of. I’ve made a joke out of it, like “Ha ha, I hope you don’t hear him talkingback.” I’ve tried something a little more pointed, like “Should I leave you two alone so you can talk?” I’ve offered to call back later. I’ve told her outright that I don’t like being interrupted and I feel hurt that she’d rather talk to her cat than me. She counters that I’m “just not a cat person.” I have nothing against cats. I don’t have one myself because…I just don’t. My irritation doesn’t stem from some anti-feline sentiment.

Sars, she’s my best friend in the world, I only see her face-to-face a couple of times a year, and I do not want to end our friendship over something so stupid. What do I do? I feel like I need to start making appointments with Fluffy before I call.

Signed,
He Doesn’t Even Speak English!

Dear And If He Did, Even He’d Tell Her To Shut It,

You have two choices.You can tell her that, from now on, she has thirty seconds to deal with the feline while she’s on the phone with you, and that after that time has elapsed you will hang up on her, because it is rude and Smurfy and you have better things to do than enable that behavior; or you can keep a stack of catalogs by the phone and use the time to shop.

You’ve tried everything else; she’s really not getting it, and the only way she’s going to is if you take drastic action…but if this is your best friend, and the only way in which she’s…well, a kookoopants is interrupting conversations to have other conversations with her cat, then it’s probably worth it just to suck it up and leaf through the latest from J. Crew instead of making a federal case out of it.But if this is part of a larger pattern of bizarro/annoying behavior, maybe you should set harsher limits on it.Your call.

Hey Sars —

So I’ve got a boy problem. Basically, I’ve been with my boyfriend,
we’ll call him Mike, for about a year and a half now. He’s got a gay
slightly older friend, who we’ll call John. Mike claims to be
completely straight, and our relationship is really great — no
complaints, except for this.

Before I met Mike, he let John do
something to him that guys often beg girls to do for them. Because John
has been in love with Mike for a long, long time, and he was always
begging Mike to do things with him like cuddle and the other thing. Got
it? But then Mike said he felt grossed out by the whole thing and said
he didn’t want to go there again, and then shortly after, I guess, he
met me. And we started hanging out all the time, only Mike didn’t tell
John about me for the longest time. When I met Mike, it was right
before college graduation, and he had plans to move to the other side
of the country. John had wanted to move with him, but Mike said no. I
ended up moving with him instead, and Mike didn’t tell John, saying
that he didn’t want to hurt John’s feelings. Or something.

So now, John still sends Mike emails and things, telling Mike that he
loves him and will wait for him (one line from an email, from
John to Mike: “I’m sorry, but it’s on my mind a lot. She called every
damned day when you were visiting me, even calling at night before you
had an early flight…” (NOTE: I think talking every day is a GOOD thing
for a relationship…ALSO? When Mike was visiting John, Mike hung up
on me one time because we had snuck a quick phone call in while John
was out getting pizza, and then when he came back, Mike was all
terrified that he’d be caught talking on the phone by John, so he
turned off his cell phone for the rest of the trip.) More from John to
Mike (this is after John bashes me for awhile): “I can outlast that. I
love you, and I really do have a good mind, and so do you.”

So basically, what I’m left with is a boyfriend who I really love, who
loves me, but he’s got a friend, who is in love with him, who will not
stop bashing me and who still tells Mike that he loves him. I’m
basically fed up. I don’t want to tell Mike who he can and cannot be
friends with, but…John is a total asshole. Also, I don’t want to
tell Mike to stop talking to John, because then I’m afraid he’ll stop
sharing the conversations with me, and so far I don’t feel like he’s
hiding anything from me. But also, I can’t help but wonder if Mike
really does love John, since he won’t tell John to fuck off. (Am I
allowed to use that language in an email). I think I’ve watched one too
many of those Oprahs where the husband eventually leaves the wife for
another man.

Mike and I have a really good relationship, and have had a good
relationship since we met. I love him a ton, and I know he loves me
too. Should I really be letting all this stuff slide? Do I have the
right to call and tell John off myself? Mike knows that I’m frustrated
by it, but so far, hasn’t really done anything to put an end to it,
except to shield John from our relationship.

Thanks for your help!
I’m being serious, here

Dear Sorry To Hear It,

This…is fucked up.I can’t tell whether Mike is cheating on you with John; it sort of doesn’t sound like he is, because he’s open with you about John and how John feels about him, and about you…but on the other hand, why?Why would anyone put up with a guy slagging his girlfriend constantly, and acting so insanely controlling that he has to sneak in phone calls to his girlfriend?Because…you’re his girlfriend.I mean, if he isn’t still conducting some kind of sexually or emotionally entangled relationship with John, why can’t he set some boundaries with the guy?

Yeah, John is an asshole, but I think the salient point here is that Mike tolerates it — he devotes all this energy to handling and managing John’s reactions to things, and he continues to communicate with and visit John even though John 1) hates you and 2) seems to have an abusive-type hold over him.The real problem is not that John is a manipulative asshole, although he is; it’s that your boyfriend is the manipulatee.

Bitching John out won’t do any good; you can’t control John’s behavior, and you can’t really control Mike’s either, but you can make it crystal clear to him — which I don’t think you’ve really done yet — that you think his relationship with John is creepy and corrosive, and you really don’t want to be exposed to it anymore.And that means you don’t want to hear the shit John talks about you, you don’t want to find out that Mike is turning his freakin’ phone off so as not to upset John — you want John to stop affecting or participating in your relationship with Mike, period.

You can’t make Mike do anything, obviously, but you can tell him in so many words that you won’t have John interfering in your happiness with Mike anymore, because it makes you feel like shit.Either he’ll get it together and start setting some limits with John or he won’t, and if he doesn’t, you’ll have to decide what to do next, but understand, John isn’t really the problem here.He’s a symptom of the problem.

Great and powerful Sars,

Need your advice.One of my pet peeves is being late for things.So naturally I’m in a relationship with a girl who is always running late.She was two hours late to our first date; she has called me about an hour after we were supposed to meet to tell me that she was leaving.If I were to add up all of the time I’ve spent staring at my watch and tapping my foot there’s not telling what I could have accomplished.

If I remind her of the time, even if it’s a simple “Dear, it’s 9:30,” it gets her annoyed.When we finally do get going to wherever we are headed (usually about an hour or so after we intended to leave), if she’s forgotten something she blames me for “rushing her.”She understands that this annoys me, and I believe she tries but she just doesn’t seem to understand how long it will take her to get ready for something.

We’re in a serious, long-term relationship and I accept that there are some idiosyncrasies about people that you just have to live with (God knows I’ve got my share) but if I could just get her to understand how to budget her time better it would a great improvement.

Gimme whatcha got!

Going To Wear Out These Shoes

Dear Wear,

You’re not going to “get her to understand” anything.She understands that she’s late all the time, but she doesn’t care.She doesn’t have to, because her lateness doesn’t have any consequences, and never has.I mean, two hours late?To a first date?I’d have paid the check and left after half an hour.

But the idea here isn’t to teach her a lesson; the idea is to stop fighting over it, so I think you need to start enforcing promptness for yourself, and if she’s on board, great, but if she’s not, that’s fine too.If a dinner party starts at 7:30 and she’s not ready to get in the car at 7:20?She can call a cab; you’re leaving.If you’re having people over in an hour and she’s still in sweats?Then she’s still in sweats when your guests show up; not your problem.Sit her down and tell her that you love her, and you don’t want to fight with her about the tardiness issue anymore, so you’re not going to — in fact, you’re not going to deal with it at all.So, not only are you not going to remind her of the time anymore or passive-aggressively tap your foot while she pokes along getting ready; you’re also not going to be late because of her anymore.You’re not going to wait when she should have gotten ready; you’re not going to give her an hour to show up while you cool your heels in the bar.

I know it sounds extreme and like it’s going to cause a lot of fights, but the trick is not to make a big pissy thing out of it.Remember: you’re not punishing her.You’re just not punishing yourself.If you can find a way to put it so that it’s clear that you’re doing it so you can be on time, not to ditch her and be mean, and she can follow her own schedule if she likes, she’ll either make more of an effort or she won’t.

You could also just keep hectoring her, but honestly, this is not an issue that is ever going to end between you; you need to find a more final way to settle it so that you’re both happy, and if that means you come and go to parties separately, I think that’s the most peaceful solution.

Hey Sars —

I’m a pre-op transman (female to male), a few months away from hormone
therapy and not long after that slated for my chest reconstruction.That’s
not my problem.

My problem is that it seems like every time I’m chatting up a girl I’m
interested in and my gender identity comes up, I’m honest about my situation
and she heads for the hills. WTF?!

If I’m having problems now, what kind of problems am I to expect when I pass
for a man and have to have that conversation?When is appropriate to have
that conversation?I vote that before things go horizontal I need to fess
up, but I feel like a freak with all the rejection.

I would appreciate you weighing in on this.

Not quite a man, not a woman either

Dear Not Quite,

I’d agree that you need to fess up before things take a turn for the naked, and as hard as it is, you just have to keep reminding yourself that it’s not you who’s a freak, and if a girl can’t see past certain biological issues and dig you for you, she’s not the girl for you anyway.

“Well, thanks for the rah-rah bullshit but that doesn’t make me feel any better.”Yeah, I know it doesn’t, but the thing is, everyone has something to confess, something to reveal; everyone comes to points in dating and relationships where things go wrong or people freak out or you realize the girl’s just not right for you, and you’d face the same issues if you’d been born a guy.True, your revelation is a bit more dramatic than some, but eventually, a girl is going to come along who responds with, “…Huh.So, tell me more,” and you’ll work it out from there.

Each of us comes with secrets and challenges, but whatever they are, they don’t mean you’re not worth it.Focus on your process for right now and trust that a woman (or women) is going to dig your chili.

Hi Sars,

This isn’t so much a problem as a situation, but it has the potential
to become a problem.First, the background: Boy and I have been
dating for just over a year.Our relationship is, on the whole, an
awesome thing.During the first eight months or so of our
relationship, we don’t see too much of Boy’s best friend, largely
because we all go to school in different parts of the province, and
also Friend is dating a girl who won’t let him hang out with us.
Because, clearly, the only reason I could possibly be dating
Boy is in order to get closer to Friend.

Anyhow, Friend eventually wises up to the fact that a relationship is
not a prison sentence, and drops the girlfriend.He suddenly has a
lot more time to spend with me and Boy, and this actually works out
pretty well.He and I have tonnes in common, and work similar shifts,
so we hang out when Boy is working, and chat on MSN, and generally get
on like a house afire.This makes me pretty happy, as in past
relationships, I haven’t always been appreciated by the friends of my
boyfriends and vice-versa, and I’d always kind of assumed that Friend
just didn’t like me that much because we didn’t see much of him.

You can probably guess where the problem is about to come in here: I’m
starting to suspect that Friend may be developing some feelings for
me.There’s a few things he’s said to me (some when we’ve been out
drinking — Boy has a funny habit of always passing out around midnight,
so Friend and I are left alone on occasion), like how he’s starting to
consider me to be his best friend because we have more in common than
he and Boy do, and how I chose to date the wrong guy (this one night
after Boy went to bed particularly early), that got me thinking about
this.

What I am asking you is what I can do to prevent
this situation from becoming worse than it already is.(Assuming, of
course, that why the situation is awkward is patently
obvious.)Boy has likely not picked up on any of this, and bringing
up is probably more aggro than it is worth.I genuinely like Friend,
and like the friendship we’ve put together.If it weren’t for the
many charms of Boy, I could probably fall pretty easily for him.I
would very much like to keep as much of our friendship as possible
intact, since avoiding Friend is out of the question, as he and Boy
are moving in together in a few weeks.(That said, if you think a few
words about the situation might be in order, I’m not adverse to that.)
So how do I keep everyone happy?

Not So Much An Elephant In the Room As A Small Emu

Dear Emu,

I think you’re over-thinking this.If Friend is saying things that anyone might construe as moving in on you, and is making you uncomfortable by doing so, which I think he is on both counts, then you need to tell him the next time he does it, “I’d rather you didn’t give voice to thoughts like that; it’s awkward, and you’re a great friend, but: that won’t happen.Thanks for understanding.”Don’t soften it or apologize for putting him on the spot; just make it clear that, you know, no, and you don’t want to hear it.

But beyond that, just leave it.Boy doesn’t need to know; there’s nothing to know.

[9/27/05]

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