Not sure they’ll have exactly what she’s looking for but I’m a huge fan of Gap Body.The styles aren’t frou-fy and the fabrics are always soft.

S

Dear S,

Thanks!More recommendations below; if I got it more than once, it’s asterisked.

American Apparel’s Baby Rib Cut-Out Dress
American Apparel’s 2×1 Racerback Dress
Victoria’s Secret sleep shirts*
Eileen West*
Karen Neuberger*
Garnet Hill (garnethill.com)*
Lane Bryant
Sears*
Peter Alexander (www.peteralexander.com.au)*
Lands’ End Short Sleeve Knee Length Sleep T*
Gillian O’Malley (at Target)
Nordstrom’s house brand
Natori
Tommy
Jockey
A swimsuit cover-up (try Lands’ End or J. Crew)
softsurroundings.com
La Vie En Rose’s Argyle Sleepshirt
Half slip plus a tank top
Marks and Spencer’s Per Una brand
Vermont Country Store’s Feelgood Nightgown
LL Bean Scoopneck Supima Nightgown
A full slip
French Dressing at Costco
Lanz of Salzburg’s summer styles, which apparently I shouldn’t have dissed (hee)
JC Penney online (look for the Adonna or Earth Angel brands)
Department stores’ lingerie sections

Dearest Sars,

I think you’re awesome, so I’m going to you rather than Miss Manners
about a sticky, sticky subject.

An acquaintance of mine (she is good friends with friends of mine) has
been struggling with a very nasty, active cancer for several years and
recently made the decision to stop treatment.

I fully support this decision, even though I am sad about it, and
wondered what to say to her if I sent her a note.I don’t want to
remind her of the inevitable, but I also don’t want to avoid the topic
of her mortality in an artificial “happy happy” way.

Do you have any advice?

Thanks,
Sad and confused

Dear Sad,

I don’t know if you have to worry about “reminding her of the inevitable” — I’m sure it’s never far from her mind — but there’s also the fact that you wouldn’t necessarily be sending her a note at all if it weren’t for her recent choice to stop treatment.So I guess the question is, do you acknowledge this overtly, or not?

I don’t think I would; again, she knows perfectly well what’s going on.I would just tell her I’m thinking about her and hoping she’s feeling all right about things; you probably don’t need to say explicitly that you support her decision, because the note is a tacit nod to that fact.

Just tell her that she’s in your thoughts; it’s true, and it doesn’t make the situation about you, which is what it sounds like you’re trying to avoid doing.

Sars:

My mother is…moody, to say the very least.One minute, she’ll be in
a great mood, and after a seemingly innocuous comment, she’ll snap and
start a tirade against the “offender.”I am, most often, the subject
and the recipient of these tirades.

She likes to pretend she’s selfless and does things for people just
because she loves them, but she always brings them up whenever she
wants something.”I did this for you; you need to do this for me.”I
never asked you to do whatever it was for me, and therefore I don’t
have to do anything for you.You did whatever you did out of the
thought that you would be able to blackmail me into doing what you
want.

She also has a problem with me not coming to visit her often enough.
I live a lot closer now than when I was in college, but I’m still very
busy, as I’m a graduate student.When I was in college, I was in
another state, and I didn’t have a car.I had to scramble to find
rides home, so I only went home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and only
twice in four years for spring break.My mother would often go on
long rants about that, that I didn’t come home enough and that I
needed to be more “appreciative” because she and my father were paying
for my education and I needed to come home more and be more thankful.

However many times she told me I didn’t come home enough, she drove
down to Oregon, where I went to school, to see my brother play
baseball when he went to college.I was a music education major in
college, and I had a lot of concerts.I asked my parents to come to
each one of them, and they didn’t come to ANY in four years.I
converted to Catholicism my sophomore year of college, and I had to
beg and plead to get at least one of my parents to come to my
confirmation.Only my father came, because my mother wanted to “stay
home with the dog.”At the end of my senior year, I had been doing
student teaching in a high school, and I had to put on a final
concert.It was only a day earlier than my parents would have come
down for graduation, and I still had to beg, plead, and cry on the
phone to get them to show up.Even when they got there, they were
incredibly bitter about it.

I didn’t understand, though; they had
come down to Oregon three times in one month to see my brother play
baseball, and they couldn’t be buggered to show up a day early for a
concert I’d been working toward for an entire semester and for which I
was entirely responsible.Whenever I mentioned this to either of my
parents, that they went to see my brother play baseball pretty much
anywhere (they flew down to Arizona this year to see him play, and
expected me to stay at their house to take care of their dog without
even asking me), they told me I needed to “get over it,” even though
it consistently occurred.

So, I guess my question is, what should I do with her?I want to
tell her off, bring it up to her that she acts like she’s selfless and
then brings things up when she wants other things, and that neither
she nor my father can be bothered to come to my concerts or anything
that I do.I’m now a graduate student in music education, and even
though I live a lot closer now (about a 20-minute drive from my
parents), I still have to cajole them into coming to my concerts.
It’s ridiculous, but I want them to come and see me play.I’ve
thought of so many things to say to her, but I don’t have the
metaphorical balls to do it.I know I’m not the favourite child; I’ve
never been (when I was about 7, my brother smacked me in the head with
a golf club and my parents didn’t believe me, even though my head was
bleeding), but I think they should still make an effort, which they
obviously don’t.

Any ideas?

Signed,
A Girl Without Any Metaphorical Testicles

Dear Girl,

I think what you actually want is for your parents to support you and care about what you do, about your concerts and about your feelings more generally.I suspect that, in your mind, this is the end result of you telling your mother off — that she will realize she’s been a selfish shit, and change her ways — and I also suspect that you haven’t done it because, in your heart, you know it won’t have the desired effect.She’ll just use it against you.

And your heart is probably right.I’m not saying they’re right to behave the way they do, because they aren’t, but…it’s facts in evidence, is the thing.They can’t be shagged to support you, and it sucks, and you deserve better, but they probably aren’t going to change.

It’s time, for your own peace of mind, for you to start separating yourself and your self-esteem from your parents’ behavior.The next time your mother is crabbing to you about how you never visit, point out to her calmly that you’re busy, and that if she’d like to see you, she’s welcome to come to one of your concerts and spend some time with you then.She’s going to whine and bitch about that, too, so just sit there while she does that, don’t respond, and when she pauses for breath, tell her you’re sorry she feels that way and you have to go now.

The next time you have a concert, let them know about it, and let them know, calmly, that it would mean a lot for them to be there and that it hurts your feelings that they never come.Your mother will get in a twist, but don’t let her manipulate you; she has the information you need her to have, and if she won’t act on it, well, she won’t.

Not much is going to change; the point here is to satisfy yourself that you’re telling them what you need from them emotionally, so there’s no room for doubt.If they won’t provide it, well, case closed, and then you can decide whether you want to continue giving them chances, or whether you want to start withdrawing from them.

They don’t support you; they give you agita.You aren’t really required to put up with that anymore, and if nothing is changing, you should maybe consider stopping — not expecting anything from them, not letting them expect anything from you.Again, it sucks, and it’s frustrating and depressing, but if the only thing you get from your mother is grief, you should stop leaving yourself open to that.You’re a voting adult; you don’t have to do as she says, or tolerate her crap.So, don’t.

[9/27/06]

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