Dear God’s Gift to Intellect,

How do you say no to gifts?More specifically, how do you say “hell no” to the suggestion that it will be in your best interest to accept gifts from people in order to make them happy??Obviously this necessitates some explanation.

Eight months ago I married the supreme love of my heart, and he came with two parents, two grandparents, and an uncle.Yuck.Anyway, the month before our wedding was my birthday and they wanted to do a big deal for my birthday.I did not want it, was not comfortable with the idea, and initially vetoed it, but considering that his folks were plunking down major moola to get us hitched I was guilted into participating in their little dog-and-pony show of presents (none of which I liked, have used, or could currently locate in my home) to appease them.But I vowed, “Never again.”

It’s not just me – they do it overboard for Christmas, everyone’s birthday, anniversaries, wisdom-teeth removal ceremonies.But they are all used to it, and I am not.I’ll spare you the sob story of my sorry-ass upbringing and get to the part where I’m not used to being fussed over.Middle child, absent parents, anti-intelligent agents posing as extended family members, et cetera etcetera.The point is: I have never had the Birthday Extravaganza ™ that they adore so much, and I do not want to have one again.

Since these folks start planning months in advance, I figure I have to start now with the protestations so that they are well aware of my wishes before the big day arrives.My husband fully supports my desires, but has never been able to circumvent the guilt-tripping of his family.He doesn’t understand my aversion, but appreciates that it exists nonetheless; he just can’t get it through to his family.

All of this is a loquacious way of asking: how do I just say no??

Uncelebratory

Dear Uncelebratory,

When you get married, you don’t just marry one person.You marry into a family, and that family is going to do things differently than the family you grew up with.Let me give you an example.My ex-boyfriend’s family is a lot more formal and conservative manners-wise than mine; at my house, we pull up another chair to the kitchen table for guests, and we have spirited and rowdy dinner-table discussion and make fun of each other and stuff.At my ex’s house, we ate at the dining room table, on the good china, and my ex’s mom served coffee, and we made polite chit-chat about current events while his parents studiously ignored my nose ring and I made a heroic effort not to get sauce on the tablecloth.

Would I have preferred to chill with my own family and let rip with a belch or two and sing made-up songs while doing the dishes with my bro?Sure.Did I suck it up and drink decaf with the “in-laws”?Yes, I did.It’s part of having a relationship as an adult.The people we love come packaged with other people, and you have to put up with them.

I think you should swallow hard and remember that your husband’s relatives mean well.You might try sitting one of them down – his mother, say – and confiding that big celebrations make you uncomfortable, but if this doesn’t work, or if she doesn’t seem receptive, just smile brightly and make the best of it.If this is the worst thing your in-laws subject you to, you’ve gotten very lucky indeed.

For the Frustrated Acadian, wanting to start a small business in Nova Scotia: a lot of information on small business start-ups in Canada is available from the Canada Business Service Centre website, at the following address:

http://www.cbsc.org/english/

Just thought it could help…

Canadian Librarian

[9/28/00]

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