Hmm.I have to disagree to some extent with your advice for Uncelebratory.Yes, we’re all adults, and learning to be comfortable with others in the family you’ve joined is part and parcel of being an adult.However, getting married is about agreeing to build your own family as much as it is being part of another family.If her in-laws don’t respect that, there will be much trouble down the road.In particular, if hubby is backing her up but not making a dent in communicating with his own family, there could be much tension between hubby and Uncelebratory.

Also, communication is a two-way street.Your suggestion to approach one person and explain the situation is a good one, and much more productive than trying to grit through it.If Uncelebratory tries to explain how uncomfortable the parties and gifts make her to no avail, the in-laws aren’t listening.Rather than showering her with affection (which they think they are), they’re just going to hurt her by making her uncomfortable.

I hope this all works out, Uncelebratory.Oh, and as a short term solution for the gifts, if you truly don’t want them, you might want to consider donating them to a local women’s shelter.Places like that are always looking for clothes, books, toys, and items to help those moving out to their own places.

Sincerely,
Been there, left that

Dear Been there,

I would feel a lot more strongly if Uncelebratory’s in-laws had treated her with flagrant disrespect — if they’d given her a bunch of guff about not having kids yet, for example, or slagged her career, or if one of them got drunk and hit on her or something.I agree that it’s annoying when people don’t seem to listen, and when they don’t respect your wishes because they don’t understand them, but the in-laws have only the best intentions, and if that’s the case, I think it’s better to grin and bear it.

It’s my understanding that you have to pick your battles in a marriage, and I’d cede the field on this one.

Good suggestion about donating unwanted or inappropriate gifts, though.

Sars,

One more possible solution for Uncelebratory who wanted nothing to do with her in-laws’ enthusiastic gift-giving blow-outs…

Since the gift-givers appear to be doing so out of a desire to include their new daughter-in-law and make her feel special and wanted, Uncelebratory could use that to solve her problem and at the same time, make them feel good and not feel rebuffed: ask for a donation to a specific charity (or two) in her name, instead of all the expensive (and unused) items.She’d need to be diplomatic about it – as in, “You know, a friend of mine just did this recently and it so impressed me and had so much more meaning, I really want to start that as a tradition,” instead of, “You people have sucky tastes and your parties get on my nerves.” If she emphasizes how much she appreciates the charitable donations, they’ll probably follow her wishes, for they’d get to feel like they were doing something wonderful for her and they would have the extra benefit of knowing they donated to something worthwhile.(And to not follow her wishes at that point would just seem rude.Otherwise, if all she’s asking for is to not have gifts given to her, then they probably will think she’s being modest or shy or self-effacing, which could lead to more and bigger presents as they try to make her feel more included.)

It’s worked for me.

(By the way, Sars, if you ever figure out how to bottle that sharp common sense, you’ll make a fortune.)

Dealing with in-laws happily for 18 years and counting…

Dear Dealing,

Hey, thanks.(If you listen carefully, you can hear my parents guffawing hysterically at the concepts of their shoe-shopping-addicted daughter and “sharp common sense” used in the same sentence, but what do they know?)

I think that’s an excellent idea.It’s a good compromise for both sides, and local charities can benefit too.

[9/29/00]

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