Sars,

I really enjoy reading The Vine both for the great advice and your ability to cut a problem down to its root cause.That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do with a certain issue in my life, and I’d be very interested in your thoughts on this.

I’ve been seeing a guy for several months and we generally get along well.We have the same goofy sense of humor and view many aspects of the world in the same way.Basically, we usually have lots of fun together.However, there are things he does that drive me up the wall and I’ve been having a heck of a time figuring out what exactly it is that’s bothering me.For example, we’ll be sitting watching TV and talking about maybe going somewhere.After five minutes more of watching TV he’ll shut it off and get up and walk out of the room silently, turning back to give me significant look.I’ll say, “Are you going to the bathroom or are we leaving now?”And I’ll get the response, “Yeah, we’re going,” with a look indicating that it was a ridiculous question.

So, my question is what is it about this situation that sets my teeth on edge?I’m pretty sure that it has something to do with respect and common courtesy, but I haven’t been able to put my finger on it exactly.I think that at its base it’s the same thing that bothers me about his constant desire to “surprise” me.To the point where I end up just having no idea what is going on.I’ll go visit him for the weekend and have no idea what kind of clothes to bring because he won’t friggin’ tell me what we’re doing.And, yes, I have pointed out the difficulties this causes in packing and told him that I would rather know the plan, and he still persists.The last time this happened, he asked me if I wanted to take a road trip to some mystery destination, I just flat-out told him no.”If I don’t know where you want to go, then I can’t tell you if I want to do it.So, no.”He flared up with a “Why do you always have to know everything?” but caught himself and didn’t say anything more about it.But still, never told me where it was he had wanted to go.Bad sign, eh?

I know this is not a good relationship dymanic to have going on, but somehow I would feel better being able to articulate to him, and to myself, what it is about this that is disrespectful of me, even if I do end up dumping him anyway.The closest I can come up with so far is that he is expecting of me the same thing one would expect from a dog.A dog would jump up to follow you when you left a room.If you’re with a person you turn to them and say, “Shall we go now?” before you walk out.A dog will respond excitedly to “Wanna go for a ride?”If you’re with a person you tell them the destination before you ask if they want to go.

Any thoughts on why exactly these “little” things are driving me big-time crazy?

Have To Know Everything

Dear Have,

I imagine it’s at least partly a control issue — namely that if he doesn’t tell you anything about when you’re leaving or where you’re going or whatever, it puts him in control of the situation.Which is not a bad thing per se, if it doesn’t bother you, but it does; you’re not so easygoing that you’ll just go with the flow every time, and apparently he has a real need to make you do that, and that’s not going to work.

I mean, “Why do you always have to know everything”?I think a better question is why he always has to not let you know everything; I mean, it’s a discussion of whether to go get food, not nuclear codes.

He needs to loosen his hold on the reins; if he can’t do that, you should consider breaking up with him, because that shit isn’t going to get less annoying.

Dear Sars,

I’ve been reading your column for a while, and I find myself in a situation
that I believe could be Vine-worthy.

I’m in love with a guy. I have been since forever; I’ve never told him, but
I’m almost positive he knows. We’re pretty close friends; I’ve learned to
deal with my feelings over time because he’s such a good person to have as
friend. I don’t get jealous of his girlfriends or anything, I date other
guys, but there is just one thing I can’t stand. I think he’s starting to
like my (new) best friend. She is this girl that I met in college and we
have a lot in common. Even though our friendship is just starting, I think
that it may last a while. They met last night, and I could tell he was
nervous, and that combined with a comment he made today about how pretty she
is, make me believe that he may be starting to like her. This is a guy who
can have any girl he wants, so, if he wants her, he’ll get her. But I simply
cannot deal with this again.

Last year, I had a pretty great friend at school whom he dated for a while,
and not only was it excruciating to watch, he broke her heart and it was
pretty hard for me to be friends with both of them afterwards. A few weeks
ago, I told him I was making new friends and I made it pretty clear that I
didn’t want him to be dating this one specific girl, who I identified with the
most. Nevertheless, I believe, in fact, that she may just be his type. I
could have easily avoided this by never introducing them…but of course,
I’m really not smart enough to think that far ahead.

So…my question is…what can I do? I mean, they’re my friends, but I
don’t own them…I just wish this weren’t happening. How can I survive it?
Logic keeps telling me to just stay away from him, since our relationship
isn’t really what you call “healthy” but the only way to do that would be to
move to another city, since he’s friends with both my brothers, we run in
the same circles, and lives like two blocks away from my house.

Can you help me? Please? Any suggestions? Besides not being just friends with
someone you like that way? I’m really not exaggerating…I’m almost positive
this will happen and my being in the way might delay it, but not stop it. I
just don’t want to be the one crying alone in her bedroom while everyone
else is having a great time.

Thank you,
Wishing for a healthy love life for a change

Dear Wish,

He’s a “great person” to be friends with?When you spend all your time managing his interactions with your other friends, hoping he won’t date them, and grinding your teeth when it’s never you he likes that way?What’s great about that?

I’ve said it before, a hundred times, and I’ll keep saying it: when one friend falls in love with the other, the friendship is over.”But –“No.”But this is diff–“No, it isn’t.It just isn’t.You are in love with him.He is not in love with you.That is not a friendship.That is unrequited love.

The guy is kind of braided into your life, but you need to minimize your contact with him, and it’s possible to do that and still be civil and friendly; don’t spend any time with him alone anymore, remove yourself from his presence graciously, do whatever it takes to stay away from him.And if you have to tell him point-blank, “I have feelings for you which you don’t share, so I’d rather not hang out anymore because it’s too painful,” well, do it.It can’t feel any worse or any lonelier than this.

Again: This is not a friendship anymore.Let it go.

Hi, Sars:

I’m 25 and recently engaged to my boyfriend of four years. I live with him but have a close group of friends, both guys and girls, from college. We all live within two hours of the same city, so we still get together pretty often, at least a few times a month. During college the friends in question weren’t hugely interested in partying, but now they are, and rounds of shots, dancing, flirting, and getting in at three in the morning are the coolest things ever.

In college I probably would have agreed; I wasn’t a total lush, but I had a good time on weekends and the occasional bored Tuesday afternoon. I thought the upperclassmen who could drink me under the table were super-cool, especially since they weren’t my usual crowd, and since I was single at the time, it was really fun to flirt with random boys. So I feel like I know where my friends are coming from, but I also feel like, okay, I’ve done that, and I’m in kind of a different place now. At least eight times out of ten, I’d rather have martinis at a friend’s cocktail party or drink wine with my fiance and talk until the wee hours than go out barhopping and be talked into the (ugh) tequila shots. Also, my stomach, it seems, cannot handle the liquor like it once did and I hate hate hate feeling ill for the entire next day if I overindulge.

I’ve tried tagging along but not drinking quite so much when they go out, and it’s amusing for awhile, but by the end of the night I’m kind of bored and/or just irritated. When I don’t want to go out, though, it’s clear that they think I’m being lame. One friend recently railed against those of us who are “wasting our twenties” by not going out more. But…that’s just not what I want to do anymore. Lately my fiance and I find ourselves gravitating more toward some of my married friends and dinner parties and game nights.

Is this just what happens after college? Am I boring? Will I regret not having more wild adventures someday? I’ve always prided myself on being an independent woman with tons of my own single friends, but I’m getting irritated with being told how I “should” spend my Friday nights. I could really use an outside opinion here.

Sincerely,
Shut Up, I Love Trivial Pursuit

Dear Wedge,

No, you’re not boring.Look, I love a good bender myself, but it does start to get boring after a while, especially when you don’t see your friends as much as you’d like anyway and you’d rather spend a few hours playing Scrabble and chatting over a bottle of wine than getting trashed.

And again, it’s nothing against getting trashed, but I’m not sure I understand why your friends “need” you to, like, approve of their weekend activities by joining in on them.Why is it so important to them that you come out?Why do they care how you spend your twenties, as long as you’re happy?They can’t stay in and play hearts once in a while?It’s not like you can’t have a beer during a card game.

You may have outgrown these friends — not because they’re still doing shooters, because whatever, but because they’re giving you flak for not doing them, which is…kind of sad and weird, really, and it’s maybe time for you to point that out to them.Or to make it clear by not hanging out with them as much.

Sarah,

“Jane” and I have been best friends since college
(we’re 25), and she is like a sister to me.After a
couple of years of living together, I moved to the
city be closer to my grad school and she moved to the
boonies with a friend (about 50 miles from my
apartment).However, almost every Friday I drive up
to their apartment, and I always spend the night.I
know that sounds kind of weird, but I make A LOT more
money than she does, and their apartment is bigger
than mine, so I’m happy to drive up there.And if I
don’t go up there, then I get a phone call from her
and her roommate demanding to know why I decided not
to go visit them (all in good fun though).

Anyway,
last Friday, I drove up there (fighting traffic for
most of the way).When I got to her apartment, the
roommate was out of town and “Jane” was chatting
online.Not being the sort who needs to be
entertained, I plopped down on the couch and watched
television while she was online.After about an hour
of this, she got off of the computer and said that she
needed to ask me something and for me not to get mad
at her.Now, I’m the sort of person who does not
anger easily, even when I should probably get pissed
off.Since my friend is the type that likes to
exaggerate, I figured that what she was going to ask
me wasn’t going to bother me in the least.

She said
that she had been talking to “Matt” online and he was
coming over.I didn’t give her a chance to finish
because I knew that “Matt” and she only get together
to have sex.I asked her when she wanted me to leave.
She said that he was coming over in two hours, but
that I didn’t need to leave now.I put my shoes back
on and left while she followed me to the door saying,
“Don’t be mad!I’m sorry!I love you!”She left me
a message on my voicemail the next day saying that she
was sorry, but that “Matt” had just got back into
town, it had been two months since she had sex, and
she really wanted me to come back over this
weekend…blah, blah, blah.She left another message
with a very nice apology on it and said that she
really hopes that I comes over this weekend.

I’ve
left her a message saying that I was probably going to
take it easy this weekend and stay at home.She’s
apologized twice now, but I’m still hurt and don’t
feel like being around her right now.I don’t care
that she’s having sex with this guy, I’m glad one of
us is getting some.But I didn’t appreciate being
asked to leave like that.It’s been almost a week
now, and I’m still pissed.Am I being a baby about
the whole thing?

Thanks,
J

Dear J,

Okay, it’s one thing if she called you before you left; rescheduling for a booty call is reasonably tacky, but between close friends, hey, it happens and you go with the flow.But when you’d already gotten there?No.That’s bullshit.

She apologized, and if she gets that she shouldn’t have done it, you should let it go, but maybe it’s time to spend a little more time where you live and broaden your social circle, or to let them come to you sometimes.It seems like part of the problem here is that you’re a bit on top of one another socially.

Dear Sars,

You always give such good advice — I hope you have some for me.My soon-to-be eight-year-old daughter (I’ll call her Moon Unit) hates to read, and I don’t know what to do.She’s starting third grade, and has barely cracked a book all summer.

I’ve tried forcing her to read, but I’m afraid that will make her think of reading as a punishment. I’ve tried suggesting books I read and loved as a child.I’ve stocked our bookshelves with good books, and we regularly visit the library.At the library, she winds up playing with the puzzles or the computer, rather than looking for books.Moon Unit likes the Junie B. Jones series of chapter books, and has read them all many times, so I’ve suggested similar books, but she barely gives them a glance.She participates in an American Girl reading group once a month, but I’m lucky if she’s read half the book before the meeting.I can’t tell you how many books Moon Unit’s gotten halfway through and then stopped reading.Even when she’s enjoying a book, she gets distracted and it takes her forever to get through it.I know I make it sound like Moon Unit’s got ADD or some other disorder, but she focuses just fine on the activities that she enjoys, so I doubt that’s the problem.

During summer break, Moon Unit is allowed to read in bed as late as she likes, and she invariably chooses an easy Dr. Seuss-type book, or rereads a book she’s read too many times to count — neither of which seems like much of a challenge.If I send her into her room for reading time, I’ll walk in half an hour later and she’s lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling after reading just a few pages.I just don’t understand how anyone can hate to read — I read constantly as a child, and I read at least one book a week now.Moon Unit’s a great student — she has a great imagination, she’s very creative, and even reads above grade level, but she seems to prefer pretend play and being active to sitting and reading a book.How can I help her to enjoy reading?

Thanks,
Frustrated Mom

Dear Mom,

You can’t.She just doesn’t like it.Let it go.

“But –“Moon Unit does fine in school; she likes to play and use her brain creatively; she isn’t you.I think that’s a big part of your issue here.You say you don’t understand how anyone can hate to read, but you don’t really have to understand it; you do have to accept it, though, because you can’t make her enjoy reading the way you do, because, again, she isn’t you.She comes at the world differently, and she has her own tastes, and I know you know that, but if she can read, at grade level, and if her preference not to read in her spare time isn’t affecting her adversely (and from what you tell me, she can and it isn’t), then just…back off.”Sending her to her room for reading time” might not sound like a punishment to you, but it reads like one from here.

She might come to enjoy reading later, she might not, but if you want her to come back to it at any point, you really need to stop making a big deal of it for right now.She can tell that it’s important to you, and if you want her to read because it’s fun, the way you do…well, doing stuff so your parents get off your back is not fun.It’s a chore.Keep buying her books so she has them around, but buy her modeling clay and dress-up clothes too.Let her make her own fun.

[9/29/05]

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