Dear Sars,

I have a quick question, and judging from other Vine Q&As, you seem like
a good person to ask.

I am a part-time English/ESL tutor while in university, and I’m in that
unfortunate position of having a good intuitive grasp on the language
without the technical knowledge to back it up.(Grammar and language
structure just don’t seem to be in the school curriculum where I grew up.)
This leads to some awkwardness with my students, as I can tell them when
something’s wrong in their work and make corrections, but often can’t
adequately explain why something is wrong.

And so, the question: one of my students is having difficulty with essay
writing in particular, and I was wondering if you could recommend a
straightforward and useful book on the subject — types of essays,
structure, tips for getting started, and so on.

Any help would be very much appreciated.Thanks for your time!

A Regular TN Reader

Dear Regular,

I’d start by finding your student a copy of Strunk & White.Many academic writers find it helpful for focusing their thoughts.Then, I’d recommend that your student pick up an essay collection and browse through it, reading a bunch of the entries just to get a sense of how good essays work and sound.

I don’t know of or use any books specific to the form, although I imagine any college bookstore would have a section devoted to the subject; still, when it comes to “straightforward and useful,” Strunk & White is the gold standard.

Dear Sars,

While I believe that my problem is not uncommon, I have no idea how to deal with it. I’ll get straight to the point. I have known “C” for almost six years now and I consider him to be my best friend. I can tell him pretty much anything, and we have lots in common. Since we spend a lot of time together, people continuously assume or ask if we are a couple. This has never been true and would probably not have even crossed my mind, had I not been asked the question on numerous occasions.

I’ve been living in New York for almost two years now, but C is still in Europe. We keep in touch all the time, thanks to the wonders of modern technology. However, I am due to return next year, where I will be essentially living with him and travelling before we both move on to different universities in England. My problem is that the question of a relationship has been placed in my mind by friends and relatives. I do not doubt that such a relationship would be amazing, since we simply “click.” Having never received any signs from him, I am doubtful that he is also asking himself the same thing and I do not feel comfortable coming outright and asking him.

On the other hand, it still concerns me that I might never even have been wondering this if people had not put the idea into my head. I don’t feel attracted to him, but I’m inclined that this is because I know him so well and I am unable to look at him in a different light. Having never been in a serious relationship, only superficial and physical ones, I don’t know how to interpret my own feelings. The main reason behind my dilemma is that I feel intensely jealous when other girls are mentioned, or if he takes an interest in someone.

Should I go ahead and take the plunge into something that could be the best thing that ever happened to me, or should I wait and see what happens, always asking myself what could have been? The downside of a relationship is the “what if.” What if we break up and things become uncomfortable and I still have to live with him? He doesn’t get on very well with “H,” who is also one of my best friends. What if it leads to a decision wherein I have to choose one of them? He has always said that it would never come to this, but I’m inclined to think the worst.

Hope you can help me decide what course of action to take,
Chronically Pessimistic Brit

Dear Chronic,

I would wait and see what happens — but I don’t think anything is going to happen.After six years, you would have gotten a vibe one way or the other, and you haven’t; you’ve only got the word of friends and family (and the occasional territorial frisson) to go on.

“What could have been” isn’t always something to regret.Usually there’s a good reason that potential couples never get together, namely that they shouldn’t.Enjoy your friendship with C as it is, for what it is — a friendship, not a prelude to something else.

Hey Sars,

First, some thanks for your last bit of advice, which was something along the lines of “it’s been a year, get over him already.”I took that to heart, and my memories and feelings for “the one” are slowly drying up.Maybe it also helped that in the interim there was a rebound relationship that served to take distract my heart from “the one” even more.

Unfortunately…

The rebound relationship helped me get over “the one,” but then the rebound relationship ended, and now I’m on my own again.This time it ended because we live in different cities (albeit less than two hours apart) and he was tired of the long-distance thing.It was understandable, and since he wasn’t “the one” it was easier to let go this time.

The problem now is that it seems to have become a little TOO easy to let go.It’s gotten to the point that I’m even afraid to go on a second date with a guy.I’ll meet some great guy, sparks fly, heavy-duty macking ensues, phone numbers are exchanged, et cetera.And then the next day, I’m paralyzed and unable to follow through with a second date or possibly more.This cycle has been repeated with a number of very eligible guys lately, and I’m starting to feel like I’m leading these guys on and being a bit of a tease.

The one guy I did try to follow up with didn’t return my call, despite having given me his number at two separate parties where we’d run into one another.

I can easily see that I’m dealing with a once-burned twice-shy problem, but I don’t know how to break out of it.When every relationship you get into just ends badly, how do you keep putting yourself out there?How do I stop seeing the end of the relationship before the beginning has even happened?

Signed,
Body and Mind Willing, Spirit Weak

Dear Willing,

Damn, I don’t know.You just…do, one day.You just get to a place where it isn’t quite such a drama.I don’t know exactly how it happens, but it does.

The trick in the meantime is not to take your own emotional temperature every five minutes.Accept that you feel skittish right now, understand that it’s going to pass, and do your best not to tangle other people up in it — and by that, I don’t mean that you shouldn’t go on dates and/or hook up with people.Just stay aware of what’s going on with you and try to think before you smooch; be honest with the guys in question about where you are with this stuff right now.

But mostly, try not to worry so much about it Becoming A Thing.It’s not going to turn into some kind of relationship disorder; just let it heal on its own.

Oy, Sars, I have a romantic dilemma (of course).

My fiancé, let’s call him “Ego-Nads,” and I have been
together for four years. I moved 1500 miles away from
my home and family to be with him. He moved for a
fantastic — and quite lucrative — career; I moved from a
fantastic — and quite lucrative — career to be with him.
I may be a tad bitter, we shall see…

I am in love with Ego-Nads. I mean, I moved here, I
live with him, I love him. That’s really a good part
of my dilemma. Here’s the problem, as far as I can
tell: He’s a jackass. He’s said some very horrible
things to me over the years. For example: When
sweeping the floor to our (that is, his) new house,
he took the broom from me, saying I wasn’t doing it
well enough. Of course, this started an argument, and
his response was, “Oh, I’m sorry, but no one in your
family has ever owned a half-a-million-dollar house.”
Yeah, fucking Ego-Nads.

Oh, and there was a time when I didn’t respond to his
new counter-top inquiry fast enough, which led him to
storm into the living room and call me a “useless
fucking whore.” I mean, Jesus.

Now, for his lucrative career, he does endure a good
deal of stress, and he uses this as his excuse for
his behavior. His parents (who live in the same town)
are also proud wearers of the Ego-Nads coat of arms;
his dad calls me fat, and his mom accuses me of cheating
(without basis, so you know). None of these excuses
fly too well with me, but I’m conflicted.

We’ve come to an impasse. I’ve been set to leave him.
These things he’s said to me (and there are plenty
more examples of insensitivity and overall
Ego-Nadisms) have stuck in my mind and, of course,
make me very unhappy. Which means I’m unhappy with
him. Which means I shouldn’t marry him. Right?

Only, I tell him this. We have many calm, adult
conversations in which I explain to him why I’m
unhappy, specify exactly what kind of a jackass he can
be, and tell him that I don’t want to marry him. To
which he says he’ll change. Yeah, we’ve all heard that
before.

Only, well, he has kind of changed.

Since I’ve driven home the whole, “I don’t want to
marry you, you dick” state of mind (about two months
ago), he’s been much better. He’s sweeter, he’s more
attentive, he tells me he loves me. I’ve told him I’m
terrified of marrying him and seeing the old Ego-Nads
come back, but the two months’ good behavior is
wrecking my convictions. If he would just continue
being a dick, I’d know for sure. Damn that bastard for
finally listening.

I know, on the other hand, it hasn’t helped that a
previous relationship, Casanova-Eyes, has been
persistently contacting me. When Ego-Nads is being
jerky, Casanova-Eyes is the greener pasture on the
other side. On the other hand, you know,
one or the other, and this is a tough fence to
straddle.

So I guess that’s my question: From what I’ve told
you, do you believe Ego-Nads can be a kinder, gentler
set of balls forever? Or is this just a desperate
ploy? Of course, the whole crisis of leaving someone,
finding my own place (or moving the 1500 miles back
home?), and blah blah blah indecision-cakes, may play
a pretty big part in my current inertia. It’s not that
I have a low self-esteem, or that I believe what he
says; in fact, just the opposite. I’m not terrified of
being alone forever, or of never finding someone
who’ll have me, or any of that stuff. I just don’t
want to leave someone I love if he can, in fact, cease
to be a part-time asshole. Comments? Twelve-step programs?
A good smack? Give it to me, girl, I need some
insight.

Signed,
Disgruntled Boobs

Dear Boobs,

You’ve invested a lot in Ego-Nads — you moved to be with him, you’ve given four years of your life to the relationship, so on and so forth — and what you want, I think, is a guarantee, a prediction of how he’ll behave in the future, one way or the other, because you feel like you’ve spent so much time with him already that you can’t just give up now.I understand that feeling, that you want to see a payoff, but it’s not a good enough reason to stay, not on its own.You have to think that payoff is actually coming.And I can’t tell you whether that’s true.

I can tell you that a guy who 1) lets his parents treat me like crap, 2) pointedly mentions that he’s better off than I, and 3) follows up that charm-school behavior by calling me a whore over a goddamn counter-top is going to see a Sarah-shaped cartoon puff of smoke as I trip over myself to beat it out of there, but even that isn’t the point.The point is that you’ll spend the rest of your life together waiting for the other shoe to drop.He might never revert to jackass mode, but you’ll never stop thinking he might.

If you can live like that, okay, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

Dear Sars,

Amongst many problems that I face, I am writing you with a grammar question.
It is a pet peeve of mine, and perhaps I need to be a big person and realize
that I am wrong.On the internet, people post pictures of themselves and
friends or celebrities etc and often label the picture: “Sars and I.”

Isn’t that wrong?Wouldn’t it be “Sars and me”?I feel like if there was
just a picture of myself, I would label it as “me.”Not “I.”Now my
friend, who labeled her pictures this way, said that she was thinking it was
more of “Sars and I are in Times Square,” but I think I would say, “This is
Sars and me in Time Square.”

Please tell me I’m right,
Me or I?

Dear You,

I think either one is fine — it’s a caption, not “formal” writing — but if we do apply the rules of formal writing, I would prefer “Sars and I.”

Sorry.

[9/3/03]

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