Hey Sars,

Well, I dated this guy about a year ago now, the first boyfriend. Right after
I graduated high school at 17 and suddenly there’s this 21-year-old guitar
player interested in me. (Never been on a date before, never been kissed,
never had any male attention that I was aware of.)My parents were
overjoyed that there was some male interest in my life, and my brother was
finally convinced that his older sister was not a complete loser.Long
story short, we dated for about two weeks, of which I was incredibly weirded
out.It progressed from him sending me letters, and trying to hold my
hand…to awkwardly kissing me on his couch and me freaking out from that so
much that it stands as one of the grossest moments of my life.(Oops, I
hope he doesn’t read this website…)

After we broke up, suddenly I became very attracted to him again.For the
rest of the summer I proceeded to send him letters, call him, only to get
excuses from his dad, et cetera.The final time that we met after many weeks of
deliberation he did that guy thing where he acted mean to me (talking
continually on his cell phone, meeting up with his personal trainer halfway
through, ignoring me, et cetera), so that I wouldn’t like him anymore.That sent
me on another crying jag for weeks on end…until I moved away to university
and he moved away to Montreal.

So after the last “date,” we didn’t talk.And then of course I started
conversation with him again, talking to him on the phone on occasion, and
trying pathetically to arrange some kind of meeting.On the weekend of my
birthday he agrees to meet me on the stop-over to Montreal.I get all
dressed up and await his glorious call.He says that he’ll meet me in ten
minutes, and two minutes later I get another call from him.He can’t come any
longer and “the girl” that he is with has to get a bus and they have to get
it together.Ouch.I told him that I “never wanted to see him again,” even
though I was hoping for an apology and true love confession. He forgot my
birthday and it’s on Remembrance Day!

The only problem is, that I still can’t get over him.Even though when we
were going out in the first place and I wasn’t interested in him, now I’m
obsessed.For my entire first year at University I kept expecting to see
him on city streets, arranging false conversations in my head.I went
continually back to his lame ska band website (the internet sure makes
stalking easy!), and going for Christmas was bizarre too.When I’m back, I scan the cars thinking I’ll see him…and continually prep
myself for unexpectedly meeting him in grocery stores and department stores.
(I’ve lost like 30 pounds…so obviously he’d totally want me again —
ultra lame-girl logic.) I haven’t seen him since November, but I still
mention him in daily conversation and think about him all the time.For a
long time he was “the ex-boyfriend” — something I enjoyed saying a lot more
than boyfriend.

Even now I will a) probably never see him again, and b) wouldn’t be
attracted to him even if we were to date again — I keep having these
fantasies that he will want me back, and suddenly we’ll be all hot and
passionate instead of awkward and forced.

This always happens too — I can only have long, unrequited fantasies about
guys as long as there’s no chance that anything could happen, and when
someone is interested in me I think less of them.The fact that someone
would want to be with me scares me off any sexual possibilities completely.

Big questions starting popping up too — am I gay? Why can’t I talk to people
that I’m interested in without blushing like a maniac and getting creepily
obsessed?Why are the people that like me never good enough, when the
people who treat me like crap the Brad Pitts of my universe?

So therefore, am I screwed relationship- and even fling-wise?I get so
scared as soon as someone even looks my way that I freak out and can’t look
back.Holding hands to me is boring, and weird.And I hate those stupid
conversations where I am supposed to tell them what I’m thinking and stuff,
because it scares me to be that intimate with someone.The idea that
someone could like me romantically both puzzles and astounds me…but yeah,
I do have some kind of self-confidence I’d like to think.

Yet like all 18-year-old girls (at least on the cover of Cosmogirl) — I’d
like a boyfriend, and yeah, some experience under my belt.I want someone,
though, that I can be excited about, that I am interested in and will
continue to be, and that will be interested in me.And yeah, he should
probably know who Fellini is.

I never seem to be able to meet anyone either.I spent a whole year in
Toronto at the largest university in Canada, and still — zip.Why is it
that other girls/guys seem to be having these at least semi-great
relationships with one-year anniversaries, and makeout sessions — when I
can’t even kiss someone without physically freaking out?And what should I
do about summer relationship dude — which was a year ago! — that I still
can’t get over?

In short, why am I so screwed up?

Sincerely,
Undateable

Dear Un,

You don’t have any self-confidence.You don’t understand why anyone would want to talk to you, how anyone could respect you or fall in love with you; these concepts are alien to you, because you don’t respect or love yourself.And people pick that up.People can sense that you don’t like yourself and that you don’t want them to get any closer, so they…don’t.

I don’t know why this happens, but it happens to a lot of people.You should probably look into some counseling; failing that, spend some time thinking about why your concept of yourself and your worth is based around other people’s opinions of you, around whether one guy likes you or whether you have a boyfriend?Why does someone have to sign off on you before you like yourself?Who gives a damn what your younger brother thinks?

We all want the things you want.You don’t think you deserve them, is the problem, and you might need a therapist’s help to sort that out.

Dear Sarah,

So, what do you do when you are so humiliated you want
to go “poof!” (with a cartoon bubble of “poof!”
appearing after you disappear)?

I’m new to Northern Kentucky/Cincinnati, a very dull
city that is amazingly humid so your deodorant
answers are quite helpful.I broke up with my
boyfriend of two years a bit ago and feel kind of
lonely — and now I’m ready to move on from the
wallowing.Following your advice on how to meet
people, I keep joining things in the city — like adult
ed classes — where the average age is 62 (and I’m 26).
Lots of fun, but I’d like to go on a date with someone
who’s not so old he remembers the Taft Administration.
So I decided, if I want to meet some people, what the
heck, let’s try online personals.

The problem is, I’m overweight.I am.I’m working
out every day, watching what I eat, and I’ve lost 20
pounds, but I’ve got another 80 to go before I can
shop at the Gap, if you get my drift.Online, I don’t
describe anyting about me, other than I have red hair
and am 5’8″, and the picture I have is of my face
only.And so when I meet guys, they always look
surprised, then disappointed.Some have been nice but
oddly distant, and some have been downright rude.
Like, canceled the date after the handshake because
“You’ve got an awesome personality, but I don’t date
fat chicks.”Yeah, and I don’t date dickheads, ass.
(That’s the retort I thought of, in my car, ten
minutes later, after crying.Of course.Damn it!)I
haven’t been sued, a la Ellenor Frutt on The Practice,
but one guy came close to accusing me of fraud for
“luring” guys under the false pretense that I’m cute.
Gah?I have done the personal ads for the ample
framed folk, and I met some REALLY skeezy guys there,
like kin of Kevin Federline skeeze, so I’m on the more
“popular” sites now.

What do I do?I have to admit, I’m Pollyanna-ing
that some guy will be so captivated with my wit,
intelligence, and incredible knowledge of ’80s cartoon
trivia that it won’t matter what either of us look
like, but I don’t think that’s in the cards.I can’t
have this happen again, Sarah, it’s really beginning
to chip away at my self-esteem.Do I tell my date
BEFORE what I look like and be a big girl (heh) about
it if he doesn’t want to meet?Do I put up my weight
on my ad?Do I just say screw it, and hang out with
the Polident set in my photography classes because,
while I doubt I’ll be hanging out with Ethel and
Gerald on a Friday night, at least I have friendly
faces on Tuesdays and Thursdays who call me “lovey”?

Signed,
Know Anyone in the Tristate Area who Likes Iron Chef
and Traveling?

Dear Know,

I think you have to be forthright about your weight in the ad, or put up a more representative picture, because people want to know what to expect.I did not love showing up for a date with a guy who claimed five-ten and then came up to my shoulder — like, I could have let it go if he were shorter than my stated range, but shorter and misleading me about it?I don’t think so, so much.

I’m not trying to judge you here, by the way, at all.We live in a fattist society, first of all, and second of all, the personals are set up so that you’re making and receiving judgments based on fairly shallow physicality-based criteria…but maybe that’s the point.Maybe it isn’t a system that works for you; maybe you should just leave the field fallow for a little while until you meet someone you like through a friend, or through work or something.

Online personals can work for some people, but they aren’t really working for you; it’s not supposed to make you miserable, so just stop doing it and focus on activities you actually get some happiness out of…but if you do decide to keep doing it, don’t take the reactions of these dicks as a referendum on you.Their bad manners don’t make them better than anyone, least of all you.The guy who will get your Thundercats reference is out there, don’t worry.

Sars,

I graduated in May of 2004 with a B.A. in English, though I suspect my grammar skills would dispute that. For a time, I wrote small human-interest pieces for an even smaller newspaper. Upon which, I realized that journalism isn’t at all for me. I like to write, but I think getting paid for it would take all of the fun from it.

For the next six months, I worked at a retail record store. It was fun, but not what I’d spent so long getting a degree for.

About four months after that, I was employed by a rather odd little company. What I do, I don’t suppose matters and would probably bring up more questions. I’ve been working here since May.

Yes, I’m getting to the question.

Over the last year and a half, I’ve had three jobs, the longest being at the record store, coming it at a stunning four months.

Now, I have an opportunity to work in a library, which is something I think I’d like to do. But that’s just it. I think it’s something I’d like to do. So far, I only know what I would like not to do, what I’m doing currently falls into that category.

I suppose I’m looking for someone to tell me what to do. I’ve never been good with the decision-making, which is another problem altogether.

As someone who hires people, do you look at the frequency of job changes?

Basically, I’m looking for some non-partial opinions here.

She who uses too many commas to have an English degree,
Lisa

Dear Lisa,

I don’t look at the frequency of job changes, primarily because it’s irrelevant to what I’m hiring for.I need strong, funny writing that doesn’t need a lot of editing and comes in on time; that’s it.

Most hirers probably do look at that, but honestly, your first few years out of college, almost everyone’s c.v. looks like yours, just a patchwork quilt of retail and short-term gigs.You’re trying to figure out where you belong; it’s nothing to worry about or feel like you have to explain.

If you haven’t held a job for longer than four months when you’re, say, 35, yeah, maybe it’s a sign of a certain fundamental flakiness, but for now I wouldn’t put too much importance on it.

So, I have a boy problem. Big surprise, eh? Honestly, though, I
thought that if I were to ever write you it would be about a far
different type of boy problem.

The history goes something like this: we met at the wedding of a
mutual friend, and we seemed to get along really well. We started
seeing each other, but tried to leave things very casual because of a
divorce and a son on his part. He made it very clear that he saw us as
“just friends,” but the sex was just amazing. I started to get more
attached than he was comfortable with, and we ended things.

Two weeks later, he admitted to me that he didn’t think he’d really
given us a chance and that he wanted to try a serious relationship. He
talked about how much he missed me and how serious he was about this,
so I took him back (I know, I KNOW).

Things were great for a while, and then I started to sense a distance
growing between us. I brought this up, and he told me he didn’t think
he could ever love me and that we needed to break up. He said that we
made great friends and had a great time together, but that we didn’t
work.

It hurt, and I grieved. We didn’t communicate in any way for months,
almost a year. I started dating other guys, doing other things. I came
to realize that he was right, we had made good friends, but we never
would have worked in the long run. He never could have supported me
emotionally, and I’m far better off without him.

We’ve now been apart for a bit longer than we were “together,” and
we’ve actually started chatting online and just generally being
friendly with one another again. And no, this isn’t going to be one of
THOSE problems — I’m totally over him, and I’m thrilled that we might
actually be at the point where we could be friends again.

The problem presented itself last night. I was chatting with him and
suggested that we meet up and have a drink to catch up. He jokingly
danced around the subject, so I just let it go. A little while later,
he brought it up, saying that he wanted to talk about why he didn’t
think it was a good idea, but that he’d never been good at this stuff
and didn’t want to make things weird between us.

So, he basically admitted to me that thoughts of our sex life had kept
him up some nights since we broke up, and that he’s unsure that he
could keep his mind off of that if we started hanging out again. He
then immediately signed off, not really giving me a chance to respond.

So here’s my question: Do you think that people can get past the sex
and be friends? I mean, I adore hanging out with the guy, and I’d hate
to think all chances of friendship are blown because we used to have
amazing sex. I’m very past that part of our relationship, and I know
he doesn’t have any other feelings for me, so why can’t we just be
friends?

Signed,
I couldn’t really be THAT good, could I?

Dear Don’t Ask Me,

I think people can, yes.But I think that this guy can’t.It’s great that you’re “past that part,” but that doesn’t mean you get to dictate how he feels, and if he feels that pheromones will inevitably get in the way…well, that’s how he feels.Either he’s being a big drama queen, which you don’t need, or he’s right, which you also don’t need.

He sounds like kind of a drama queen to me anyway, generally.Think about whether this friendship is worth insisting on.

Hi there, Sars,

I have a dilemma that is part grammar, part
etiquette, part family
angst. It’s my future mother-in-law. She is a high
school English
teacher,
and a fairly lovely person, in general. But a person
who feels the need
to
correct the grammar of those around her. And I do mean
ALL of those
around
her.

She reads a book? Edited and a letter sent to the
publisher listing
all the errors.

Apostrophe in the wrong place on a fast food sign?
She goes
whisking through the drive through to let them know.

Though I never make the obvious there/their,
your/you’re errors, I
still cringe when I have to send her an email. An
unfortunate use of
“adverse”
rather than the correct “averse” (in 2002) is still
fodder for table-talk
when
we visit. Now that her son and I are planning our
wedding, I am in
touch
with her more frequently, and checking and re-checking
takes up more
time
than I have.

I know the obvious answer is not to make any errors.
I have an
English degree myself and I read a lot of the same
books she does.
But, you know, things happen. I’m not as up on comma
splices as I could
be.
I feel I speak and write correctly from instinct most
of the time and
trust
those around me to maybe let it go if I make a mistake
now and again.
Or at
least not make a federal case out of it if I use a
comma instead of a
semicolon.

I know a mistake is a mistake, but I think her habit
of correcting
is neurotic. Even if it’s not, no one likes to get
called on the carpet
at
Thanksgiving for a little slip. I think the fact that
she stares this
stuff
in the face all day, every day heightens her awareness
of usage.

Since this is a topic near and dear to your heart,
and I have read
your essay regarding it — is she overboard? Do I just
need to suck up
and
try harder? Is there a nice way to tell her that if
she’d rather be
right
than get emails, I can arrange that? (I know the
answer to that one is
no.)

I am half dying to tell her that I “could care less,”
but that one
makes me cringe, too

Dear Me Three,

Yes, she’s overboard.I edit for a living, but I’m not going to regale the Thanksgiving dinner table with the hilarious story of that time Mr. S confused “evade” and “elude” — it’s rude, and it would make him feel stupid.

So yeah, she’s out of line, but I would just email her whatever you want, and if she corrects your usage, ignore her.Completely.Like, you send her an email, she sends it back with a note saying that you misspelled “separate,” and you…send it back again with that part of the email deleted.Just don’t acknowledge it.She’s a little too used to having a captive audience for her anal-retentiveness; don’t reward her.

The next time she ranks on your usage in front of people, thank her sarcastically for making you feel stupid in front of the group by bringing up a mistake you made three years ago.AGAIN.And don’t back down.The email thing is obnoxious, but the “adverse”/”averse” thing is a dick move, and it’s time to call her out on it.

And by the way, it’s past time for your fiance to have a word with her about it, because…going through the drive-through to report a grammatical error?Cut the cord, lady, Jesus Christ.

[9/30/05]

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