The Vine: September 4, 2000
Hi Sarah,It’s not my usual policy to write regarding messages in your advice column; usually your insight and suggestions are excellent anyway. While I think your advice to Suddenly Alone was not substandard, I don’t think you stressed enough that she should get her husband to seek professional help as soon as possible.
Although I am not a doctor, I know more than anyone ever should about depression and nervous breakdowns. Everything that SA described about her husband’s behavior makes me think that he has had a breakdown of some sort or at the very least, is in the throes of a deep clinical depression. Frequently, one of the earmarks of depression is a strong feeling of guilt and worthlessness. As you alluded to in your response, this state leads many people to try “protect” the ones they care the most about by withdrawing from them (“you’d be better off without me”) and seeking out the place of greatest security. Clearly, anyone in the grip of a major depression is not thinking rationally; everything is either black or white (with an extra heavy emphasis on black). The longer that someone stays depressed, especially if they have reached the point of breakdown, the harder it is to get over it and the more excruciatingly long the healing process is. “Suddenly Alone” should do everything in her power to suggest to her husband (and his mother) that it is all right -perhaps necessary to seek out professional help. She should reaffirm to her husband that it is not a character flaw that caused him to be overtaken by stress and depression, nor is it weakness to allow someone else to help him regain his health. And above all, there are excellent treatment options out there. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t let this go without comment. Keep up the good work.
S
Dear S,
Yes, the husband needs professional help; yes, he’s obviously having a breakdown of some kind. But Suddenly Alone didn’t ask me whether her husband had an emotional collapse; it seems clear that she knows he did. She asked how she should handle the situation, not how her husband should. If that seems like splitting hairs, so be it, but I only get so much information with these letters, and I try to stick to answering the question the writer has asked me.
With that said, I don’t disagree with your assessment, so in case I didn’t make this clear before, Suddenly Alone’s husband does need to seek the care of a mental-health professional ASAP.
Tags: health and beauty the fam
