Hi Sars,

Add me to the countless people who felt the just had to fire up Outlook to respond to your advice to NNV. I actually agree with you whole-heartedly, but I had to add this: lubrication, lubrication, lubrication. If I remember correctly, it took my boyfriend and I three or four attmpts before we actually succeeded at having sex. Why? Because we were trying to use a condom and I was all nervous (and so was he; just like NNV’s friend, he had very little experience). The lack of lube made things impossible. The solution: Ditched the condom, switched to the sponge (see how long ago this was?) and used lots and lots of Vaseline. Yes, I now know that Vaseline and the sponge don’t mix any more than Vaseline and condoms do, but at least I gave it the old college try.

Anyway, not enough lube isn’t very fun even when you do know what’s going on and are used to it, and I bet it would make things better for her.

Been there myself

Dear Been,

Good idea.Proper lubrication always makes things easier.

It should go without saying that, if NNV doesn’t drink, she doesn’t have to get trashed and sleep with the guy again; she doesn’t have to sleep with him or anyone else ever again if she doesn’t want to.Obviously, they can find other ways to have fun in bed too.But if she wants to get over the psychological hump of thinking intercourse is going to hurt, I think my suggestion holds up.

But that’s just the psychological aspect.If NNV continues having physical pain, she should go to a GYN posthaste and get it checked out; it could indicate a problem.In fact, she should go to a GYN on a regular basis anyway now that she’s sexually active.

Hey Sarah,

I’ve got a couple of problems (careers, family, sex) that have melded
themselves into one large, more intractable “superproblem”
(careerfamilysex).It’s getting hard to tell what are the actual problems
and what are just symptoms, so I’d be happy to hear what an objective third
party has to say.

We’ll begin with a little bit about me: freshly 26, intellectual and
entertaining guy, and pretty much able to apply myself to any problem and
solve it successfully.I work hard, and I expect a lot from myself.

Problem #1: Career

After graduating from university, I taught two undergraduate courses for a
couple of years on contract at the same university.I loved the experience,
but realized to go further I’d need to do my PhD, and at the end of my
contract there, I realized I wasn’t interested in spending another five
years in school.This brings me to fall 2001, and naturally, I come off
contract in a really soft job market.I move back home temporarily until I
get the job situation sorted out.I do not unpack anything because I do not
want to allow myself the illusion that I’ll be staying there.I piece
together contract work for six months, including a stint in a great job at a
big food company (BFC).It’s now spring 2002.BFC wanted me to stay for
another two months, and was interested in having me apply for a promotion to
a new position in the future (read: the details were fuzzy).In the
meantime, I had secured a computer programming job for a year for more money
than I’m making currently at BFC.

I was going to gamble and stick it out at BFC, but I folded and took the
sure thing.The computer programming job is a good one (marketable skills
and the like), but I have to work at home a lot, and I feel like a lonely
loser because I’m trapped at home, doing work I’m not really enjoying.This
new job would, however, allow me to move out of the family home, which would
be a great relief for the reasons I’ll outline below.

Problem #2 Family & Sex (no, I’m not from Alabama)

I’m gay.My parents don’t know.All of my friends know.It’s not that I
haven’t wanted to tell my parents; it’s just that there hasn’t really been a
great time to talk about it, and I’m slowly beginning to think that there
never will be.There is always something on the go that would make
addressing this problematic: my mom’s been diagnosed with two
life-threatening illnesses (sad), my dad’s been out of work for a few months
(sad), my sister’s been giving birth (happy).It’s kind of hard to wedge
this little tidbit in and amongst these other life-altering events.

My goal has been to get out of the house and tell them ever since I finished
the teaching job.I’ve now got the opportunity to do that, but the work
makes me want to slit my wrists.Furthermore, my future roommate bailed on
me this week because of previously-never-before-mentioned financial
constraints (read: he didn’t want to live with a gay guy).So now I can pay
more for a crappier apartment that I’m going to hate working in.I can
afford it, but I’ll be bitter about it.

I look at these problems, and theoretically, they should reside in separate
silos, but I’m beginning to feel that they are inextricably linked.I have a
feeling that I’m so concerned about getting into a job I hate, even in the
short term, because my life outside of work (social, sex et al.) is pretty
sad.I have friends who treat me like crap; I don’t really fit in with the
gay “community.”Work, therefore, becomes really important to me.It has
to be something I love to satisfy all of my needs.If this is the case, I
think maybe I should go back to BFC and work my ass off for the promotion
and stay home in the interim.Then I could move out if I get the better
job.And that’s a big “if.”I could end up out of work and at home again
two months down the road.

On the other hand, maybe if I stick with the programming job, move out, and
get the pink elephant out of the room with my parents, then my social life
would be a bit brighter, and I wouldn’t be relying on work to satisfy all of
my needs.Maybe I’d lighten up, get laid more often, and enjoy the fact
that I work at a boring job that pays well.At bare minimum, it may provide
me with some psychological relief — hey, look what it did for Kerr Smith.
Then, of course, I must consider that my parents could flip out, or even
worse, just get weird, and then I’m moving into a lonely situation wondering
if my parents are behind me or not.In my heart, I’m still the 12-year-old
kid who desperately wants to make them happy and proud.

So as the third party, let me know whether you think I should gamble at BFC
or stick it out with the programming job, and whether I should tell the
parents or not tell the parents.Or should I just fuck it all, and go
through the requisite “manwhore” phase that all young gay men seem to go
through?

I was kidding about the manwhore thing.Maybe.

Cheers,
The Stupid Smart Guy

Dear SSG,

Some of my best friends are manwhores.I say you go for it.

On a more serious note…breathe in.Breathe out.Repeat “the superproblem is actually a bunch of smaller problems, each of which I can handle” over and over until either you fall asleep or you start to believe it, because you have to break the superproblem down into manageable chunks and tackle each one, one at a time.I don’t think it matters which one you take on first, because they all tie into one another.Just pick one aspect, decide what to do about it, do it, and see how it turns out.Then address the next thing.

I would face the job thing first.Figure out whether it’s more important to you to make money or to enjoy working.You can include things like your living situation and your parents in your pros/cons list for each thing, but focus on coming to a decision about the work.Choose a path, set an amount of time that you’ll give it to work out, and move on to the next thing.

If you feel like that creates more problems than it addresses, come out to your family first instead.It’ll probably go better than you think — family has a way of guessing these things before you mention it — but even if it doesn’t go too well, at least you’ll know, and knowing will free you up to make more informed decisions about your living situation.

Of course, you could also decide to deal with your living situation first, but whatever you tackle, just tackle one element of it.Get started.Make a choice.Doing something about something, anything, will help the other choices you have to make fall into place more easily, so pick a thing to do and do it.This kind of paralysis feeds on itself, but by that same token, if you can settle even one small part of your superproblem, I think it’ll give you strength to deal with the other parts.

Dear Sars,

I really hope you can help me with this little problem I have: I’ve been friends with this woman, let’s call her Rosemary, for about two years. She’s twelve years older than me (I’m 22), and she has a daughter, whom my best friend and I dubbed “The Antichrist.” You can probably guess where this is going.

The Antichrist is the most rude, nosy, and annoying eight-year-old in the world. She loves to point out any physical or intellectual shortcomings you may have, to shout in your ear, to pry into your personal problems, et cetera.

Once she asked my best friend if she liked “being so disgustingly fat” and “aren’t you worried your boyfriend won’t want to have sex with you anymore if you don’t lose weight?” She likes to make fun of my glasses (I wear really thick Coke-bottle glasses when my eyes are tired from the contact lenses): “Yuck! You’re so ugly without your contacts!” A few weeks ago, she shouted across a crowded restaurant, “I can see her panties! They’re purple, look!” when I was coming back from the bathroom (you could see only a millimeter of panty over the top of my jeans). She also butts in to every adult conversation, and when she’s gently told to shut up, she starts singing at the top of her lungs and screams abuse at Rosemary when she tries to calm her.

If I had a child who behaved like that, I know I would be horribly embarrassed and I’d scold said child severely, maybe even taking away TV/internet/phone privileges (or whatever she really likes doing) if the behaviour persisted. All Rosemary says is (in a gently scolding voice), “Now, don’t be like that, my little queen.” Little queen, my ass.

I understand The Antichrist might be acting up because her parents just got divorced (not that she was THAT different when they were together), and I try to be patient and grown-up about this, but any day now I’m going to snap and kill her AND her mother for not doing anything about that little monster.

I know I’m no one to tell Rosemary how to raise her kid (I don’t even HAVE kids myself), I know I can’t very well grab the girl and threaten her with a very painful death if she doesn’t shut the hell up, and I’m certain I can’t take this anymore. I’ve tried to tell Rosemary, with as much tact as possible, that maybe she should leave the kid home when we get together, but she says she has nowhere to leave her and can’t afford a babysitter. She just doesn’t seem to realize what a pain in the ass her daughter is.

So what do I do, Sars? Should I tell her what I really think of her daughter (and of her parenting, for that matter)? I don’t want to hurt her; I really like Rosemary and want to remain friends with her, but I don’t see what else I can do. I can’t spend any more time with her if the kid keeps acting like that. How would you handle the situation?

Sharpening The Butcher Knife

Dear Knife,

When your friends have kids, if you want to spend time with those friends, you learn to roll with the kid action.You don’t mind when they have to cancel because Max got an ear infection; you have coffee with them in the car on the way to soccer practice; you let the baby yank your earrings.You take the time your friends can give you, because you know they don’t have as much.Most parents understand that, and most parents also understand that it’s a two-way street — that you do want to spend time with just them now and then, that certain phone calls need to proceed without interruptions, that you won’t think it’s sort of funny that little Madison just called you a farthead.That flexibility is part of any friendship.

Rosemary isn’t holding up her end, and I would bet money that “can’t afford a babysitter” actually means “can’t keep a babysitter,” but in any case, you should find a nice way to point that out to her.I would leave the Antichrist’s behavior out of it, if you can, because even if (or especially if) it’s true, parents don’t like hearing shit about their kids from other people; just say that you really miss spending alone time with her, and you have to insist on more of it.Offer to pay the babysitter yourself (if you can find one with a thick enough skin).Tell her you need that from her.

It might not go well, but if Rosemary gets all defensive, consider this — your friend allows her child to insult you, repeatedly, and is apparently completely tone-deaf both to the rudeness of the behavior and to its effects on you.If she reacts really badly to the suggestion that she leave the kid at home sometimes, well, maybe you should take that as a sign of how much she values your friendship.I mean, of course her child is the most important thing to her, but if she can’t bend even a little bit to spend time with you sans devil-child, it’s probably best that you let her go.

[9/4/02]

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