Dear Sars,

First off, will you marry me? Not, you know, really.
But maybe metaphysically? Or in that way that one
proposes to people on TV?

Anyway, regarding the dilemma of A Regular TN Reader.
I’m in high school, and the mandatory grammar book for
our English department is designed with ESL students
in mind. Its called The Bedford Handbook. While many
of the examples they use are morbid and depressing,
it’s very well organized. It was so interesting, I read
the whole book on my own time.

I Can’t Believe I Had Something To Add

Dear Can’t,

Amazon also mentions The Bedford Guide for College Writers and a version of The Bedford Handbook with “developmental exercises,” one or both of which Regular Reader might also suggest.

Hey Sars,

I trust your judgment, so I’m going to throw this one at you, and see what you have to say.I’m a member of the performing arts crowd at my university.I’m going to call my group “The Group of Doom.”There are two other groups in this scenario; let’s call them “Apple” and “Ball,” respectively.The Group of Doom has excellent relations with Ball, and pretty good relations with Apple.In addition, the older members of TGoD are friends with the members of Apple and Ball.In general, I feel closer to the members of Ball than with those of Apple.This might have importance.

The problem starts like this.The president of Apple is dating the president of Ball.It’s very touching and cute, et cetera.The thing is — Prez Ball is a handsome young man, and an excellent performer, and thus has groupies.He’s a performer, so that’s cool.However, last night I heard that Prez Ball regularly cheats on Prez Apple with these groupies.This just had to follow the discussion I had with Prez Apple, in which she told me that I was a sweet girl and she was so glad to know me, [insert touching phrases here].That in itself wouldn’t make me feel bad, except I heard her later talking about just knowing you were in love, and when you were, and how you were — you know, in the way someone’s describing themselves?I really believe that Prez Apple is honestly and fundamentally in love with Prez Ball, and that he’s pulling the wool over her eyes.

Another thing is the group dynamics.Prez Apple will be leaving soon, but she has been the rock of Apple for years now.Same goes for Prez Ball in regards to his group.TGoD has great relations with Ball, but because of community politics, it’s necessary that we have an excellent relationship with Apple.In fact, it’s probably more important for the success of our group to have a better relationship with Apple.If it comes out that I know about Prez Ball’s groupie-banging ways (believe me, the way this community is, it will come out), the members of Apple would flip their shit, ties go splat, and TGoD is at square one.However, if I say something, I’m sure those in Ball would not be very pleased, to say the least.Should I just leave this alone and risk discovery, or should I say something and mess up dynamics?Thanks!

Drama Queen of The Group Of Doom

Dear Queen,

I don’t think I understand why knowledge of Prez Ball’s infidelities is your responsibility instead of, say, the person’s from whom you heard about them in the first place.And how is it your problem that the members of Apple can’t assign blame where it belongs, i.e. on the cheater, or separate interpersonal issues from professional ones?

If asked directly, tell the truth.Otherwise, don’t get involved.

Hello Sars —

My boyfriend and I are coming up on three years together; the last six months he’s been
living with my childhood best girlfriend and me in a small two-bedroom, and this
has proven a challenge to my relationship with both of them.I allowed him
to move in with us for financial reasons on a temporary basis — he couldn’t
decide if he wanted to look for a place for he and I alone, or a studio for
himself, so he ended up with us.

He and I are both actors/musicians and spend much of the year apart, working
at regional theatres or on location working on small budget films, so the
time we spend together in the city is usually unemployed, hustling for work
(make-up artist, photographer’s assistant, et cetera).He recently returned from originating a role on the West Coast, and something has
changed within him.He was a cold fish to me when I came out to see the
show the last week he was there — granted, we hadn’t seen each other for seven
weeks and it always takes some getting used to each other again, but this is
extreme.

He said things like he “maybe equates our relationship with being
unemployed,” and he always gets somewhat obsessive when he works anyway —
self-involved, at least, and these out-of-town people become his family, his
network, and then he leaves them and is depressed.I think this is somewhat
typical of actors I have met, but is it reasonable?He has been saying “I
don’t know” about how he feels, he says he wants to “work this out” and have
me “help figure out his feelings” with him.I finally asked him if he was
“in love” with me the other day, and he replied, “I don’t know…I don’t
know what that means anymore,” but he continued to tell me he “loves” me and
wants us to “sort all this out.”

I’m leaving in two weeks to do a show out of
town for two months, and I told him to find a new apartment, because I
can’t continue living and sharing my bed and life with a man who “doesn’t
know.”He wants us to discuss what that means to our relationship — he
wants me to stick around until he decides what he wants.But whenever we
talk, I weep and admit I love him and am in love with him and am attracted
to him, and he whimpers “I don’t know” at me.It’s like a wound or scab that
is continually picked at until it pusses over and then heals and is repeated
all over again to be living with him right now.When he compliments me or
tries to embrace me or kiss me, it tears at my heart and encourages all these
insecure feelings of ridiculous height — if I just did this, maybe he would
fall in love again — it’s so stupid, but then to believe the compliment, to
take it with sincerity is to live in a double world of believing he loves
me, but knowing that he doesn’t choose me, or doesn’t love me the way I love
him.

I am powerless in this relationship right now, and wish I could sever all
ties, but everything about him and us (and our things together, ridiculous I
know) make so much sense.I know he loves me; maybe this is some phase,
maybe this is us both growing independently and then coming back together
for a more satisfying relationship, or maybe it’s the end.I don’t know if
I should close my heart to him now and make it less painful for myself, even
though he’s sharing my bed the next two weeks anyway (we are like little girl
cousins who are fond of each other, there is nothing sexual about it), or do I
continue to “hang in there” and “sort this through”?

Sincerely,
“In” love alone

Dear Alone,

He says doesn’t know if he loves you anymore.He’s acted either cold or wishy-washy to you for several weeks now (and that, together with the timeline, reads to me like he cheated on you during the out-of-town gig…sorry).The two of you sleep in the same bed, but apparently aren’t having sex anymore.He refuses to respect you enough to make a decision one way or the other.And yet, you…”know he loves you”?

Maybe he does, but 1) I doubt it, at least not in the way you deserve, and 2) it’s not enough to justify his leaving you hanging until he makes up what passes for his mind.You have the right to make a decision here too, you know — and you should, sooner rather than later.

Tell him that the current come-here/go-away routine isn’t working for you, at all, and if he doesn’t get it together and figure out what he wants in two weeks’ time, you will figure it out for him by ending the relationship — and don’t take any “I don’t like ultimatums” shit off him, either, because it’s not like he’s left you any choice.Take it from somebody who has made the same mistake, a bunch of times: life is way way too short to wait for a guy who “isn’t sure” to get sure, because he won’t.He will, however, make you unsure — of yourself, which, seriously, who needs it.

I know you love him, but you can get over that.Give him a deadline, and if he doesn’t hit it, dump him.

Dear Ms. Bunting,

I will begin this cry for assistance by acknowledging the false sense of intimacy created by having read the many columns and stories on your website. You and I are complete strangers, and yet I cannot help but feel an affinity for someone who seems so similar to me in many respects: insistence on good grammar and syntax; the quest for the perfect mascara; a lack of patience for the whiny; residence in New York (alas, I live in the Bronx, but I used to work and still go to school in Murray Hill); dismay at the new anti-smoking laws. And so, although I don’t believe that only you can solve my problem, I do think that whatever advice you might give would be on target.

Recently I moved to Paris, where I will be staying for four months to do my dissertation research. I am alone here. I live with a couple who are, to put it as delicately as possible, high-strung. I meet people in the course of my research, but have no friends with whom to socialize. I wonder if you have ever been to Paris, and if so, if you could recommend a good place to hang out, especially the boozy, smoky sort of hanging out that one expects from Parisian nightlife.

While you’re at it, where’s a good place to hang out in Murray Hill? Many times I’ve wanted a drink after work and the only thing doing was Desmond’s.

Thank you for your help.

Yours truly,
Quiconque

Dear Qui,

Ouch.Desmond’s.

I have spent a grand total of thirty-six hours in Paris, and I spent them ten years ago, so I really can’t help you.

As for Murray Hill, try the Pine Tree Lodge.The staff is friendly, the place has excellent drink specials almost every night, the outdoor patio is nice for smokers, and where else can you find an elk wearing a life preserver?

Dear Sarah “stand and be judged” Bunting:

I’m not an eloquent or well-spoken person, so I apologise for my simplistic illiterate ass. I’ll just give you the whole situation:

My parents: Horny Irish-Catholics.Thus: seven children.Six of them ran away from home before they hit age sixteen.Guess who’s lucky number seven?(I used to tell my mom she stopped at seven, because she FINALLY got it right.She’d say, “Nah, I just gave up hope.”)

Right now, I am out of high school (with a GED) and trying to make a living with three jobs. I am a cashier at a convienence store, a chamber-“maid” at a local B&B, and a National Guardsman. A very busy person, after work I only have enough time to shit and sleep. (In that order.)

For the past eight years, I have cooked, kept house, and worked on the “man’s work” (as my father states it) at my home living with my parents.The “man’s work” is general outside crap.Pouring cement for the fountains, chopping wood for the fireplaces, cleaning the pool…sorry, myparents used to be rich, and bought the house before they spent all their money.

But now that I am attempting to support myself a bit, the ‘rents won’t ease up on the work. I am trying to earn enough to both A) go to community college and B) live on my own.However, my parents have me working at the house so much I have zero time for myself.Right now, I only have fifteen minutes to write this email before I HAVE to go to sleep.(It’s 11:22 PM and I’m due at the B&B to cook breakfast before everyone wakes up in six hours.) Although I STILL live with my parents, I pay rent and buy my own groceries.

So you might say, “Then move out!You pay rent THERE, just pay it someplace else!” (Or you’re saying, “You ungrateful weasel.They gave you life, SHUT UP.”)But the thing is, I was in foster care most of my life, so I didn’t really know who my mother was until I was ten, and before then, my brother Sean was like a father to me (I used to call him “Sub-Dad”).

Every time I bring up the subject of moving out, my mother waxes poetic about her other children moving out and breaking her heart and (here’s the nail in the coffin) how PROUD she is of me for being “so responsible” and “being able to handle it.”What sucks the most is that besides this “farm life” bullshit, my parents are VERY cool people.They are both in Alcoholics Anonymous (well, not so anonymous NOW) and love me.They are the nicest parents, just so long as you agree with
them.Disagreeing with them on ANYTHING is “going-to-hell”-worthy.But most of the time I DO agree with them because, well…they’re very cool people.

Now I won’t be COMPLETELY self-righteous here.The elders would not let me learn how to drive, so I had to wait ’til I was eighteen to sneak my learner’s permit without their permission (which I caught hell for).I own a standard, but I heard that it’s easier to drive an automatic during your road test, so I’m waiting for my parents to “approve” my driving so I can borrow their automatic truck.That’s one reason why I’m still here. A second reason being the earlier stated mommy guilt trip. And to round things off nicely, a third reason would be that my mother was hospitalized a year ago for a scary nervous breakdown.I seriously thought the poor woman had lost her mind. Also, she has a work-related back injury (which is how they became temporarily rich). I VERY much want to make her proud of me and be the only kid in the
family to not run away.But I feel like time is standing still for me here.I wake up and go to work, then I go to my next job.Then I come home, make dinner, clean the “mess of the day,” do the pre-designated “dirty work of the day,” eat, go online for fifteen minutes, and then sleep.Nothing is getting accomplished in the advancement of my own life.

I’ve already taken a year off of school for the National Guard (and their piss-poor tuition assistance program), and now I can’t go to college because I’m too busy and can’t get the help I need to just GET THERE.

What should I do?Should I find a way to get the ‘rents to back off (and how do I go about it), or should I ditch?I NEED the money, so I can’t quit my jobs.(NOTE: My other brother is twenty-six years old, mentally disabled, and just returned from the hospital to live with us.
I’d feel really guilty leaving my parents alone in the house to take care of him.My mother is fifty-four years old, and my father is fifty-five.Between the three of them, I feel like I work at a retirement village.Ha.)

Sincerely,
A Very Tired Person, Esq.

Dear Tired,

Oh my God GET OUT OF THERE NOW.

I mean, do you hear yourself?Your parents use you for free labor — oh, wait.Your parents actually use you for labor that pays them.It’s one thing to charge your adult children rent, but to load a bunch of groundskeeper duties on top of that?Please.Yeah, maybe your mother really is proud of you.On the other hand, maybe she just doesn’t want to skim the leaves out of the pool herself, or take responsibility for your brother’s care, because it’s a lot easier to guilt you into doing it by implying that the mistakes she made as a parent are the fault of her children.

I think you should follow your siblings’ excellent example and bolt, as soon as you possibly can.You live in indentured servitude to a pair of people who obviously had (and continue to have) problems so serious that all of their children either fled the home as soon as they could or got reassigned to other homes by the state.Even worse, you’ve started to accept it as normal.

It isn’t.Your parents are…well, let’s leave it at “unwell,” but the point is that they’re slowly warping you to fit them.Stop trying to make your mother proud of you, because I seriously doubt she even understands that there is a “you” — as opposed to a convenient handyperson that she can manipulate emotionally — and stop enabling them to duck their duties as homeowners and parents.Enough.Your own life is passing you by.Pack a bag and run after it before it gets too far out of sight.

Dear Sars,

I never thought I would actually be writing to The Vine, but I find myself
faced with a rather sensitive problem and I desperately need an unbiased
opinion.

My boyfriend of over a year recently broke up with me. He had a good reason,
and the break-up was fairly amicable (as these things go, in any case). We
haven’t spoken since, however, as I really needed some alone time. A few
weeks after we broke up, I found out that I was two months pregnant (and yes,
we did practice safe sex…a word to the wise: antibiotics reduce the
efficacy of the Pill). After much soul-searching, I have decided to have the
baby and give it up for private adoption.

My dilemma is now whether or not to tell my ex-boyfriend. I feel that I
should tell him, but there are several things worrying me. For one, I am
still in love with him, which he knows. I don’t want this to turn into a
situation where anyone feels trapped. My second problem is that I’m afraid
he will try to talk me out of my decision. Having the baby and giving it up
is the hardest choice I have ever had to make. I am not in a position to
provide any kind of life for a child, and neither is my ex-boyfriend. I
really don’t want to spend the next nine months dealing with arguments over
whether or not to keep the child. The moment itself will be bad enough. The
third problem is that I know that if/when I tell him, he will tell his whole
family and much of his circle of friends. He is the type of person who
relies on a large support system of people. I am not. I would really prefer
not to have anyone else aware of the situation. It’s painful enough as it
is.

There is no problem with money; I am able to pay for my prenatal care. I
really don’t want to tell him, but I feel like I should. I think I need a
kick.

To Tell Or Not To Tell

Dear Tell,

You make a number of points for not telling him, all of them valid enough — but if you don’t tell him, you’d better hope he never finds out, not just from a “he might get angry” standpoint but from a “legally, he probably has rights here” standpoint.

What I know about the legal options here, for either of you, wouldn’t fill a thimble, so I think your first step is to visit an attorney who specializes in these cases and get his or her advice — do you have an obligation to tell the father?How do you protect yourself if he chooses to interfere or wants custody of the child once it’s born?If you don’t tell him and he finds out anyway, what action might you face as a result?

I believe telling him is the right thing to do; I think you have to consider how you’d feel in his shoes, how you’d react if you found out years down the line that you’d had a biological child and you’d gotten completely cut out of the situation.From what you’ve said, he’s not an ogre, and I imagine he’ll respect your choice (including any request you might make that he tell as few people as possible).Telling him now will save you a lot of trouble compared with his finding out later.But I also believe you have to protect yourself legally, and you should find out what that means before you tell him.

I don’t envy you.Good luck.

[9/4/03]

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