Dear Sars,

Is there anything I can do about people throwing in useless phrases in their speech? It drives me nuts when people preface every sentence with “To be honest” or “Frankly.” It implies that for the past 15 minutes they’ve been lying, but now, now they’re telling the truth.

In the past, I’ve tried to stop them mid-sentence by saying, “Wait, have you been lying to me this whole time?” but usually they look at me wide-eyed and stunned, which made me feel like a heel.

The same goes for things like “Bless her heart” or “Not to be rude.” Both of those phrases in themselves just tell me straight out that they’re about to be rude. If that’s the case, shut the fuck up already. “Not to be rude, but you look like you’ve put on weight.” Is that okay? In my mind, that statement alone is rude, and just prefacing it doesn’t allow them to say whatever the fuck they want. The same goes for “Bless her heart.” You can trash anyone so long as you say that. “Bless her heart, she doesn’t mean to drink so much” or “Bless her heart, she doesn’t mean to sleep with every guy she meets.”

I don’t mind trashing people. It’s one of my favorite things to do with the right friends and a good amount of red wine. But it bugs me that people think they can get away with being assholes to my face so long as they qualify it first.

Signed,
Not To Be Rude, but I Honestly Can’t Take Anymore

Dear Not,

No, there’s nothing you can do.It’s a verbal tic with some people; pointing it out won’t help.

It’s not that I can’t sympathize.I went to high school with one of the five most tactless people on the damn planet, and she prefaced almost everything she said to me with the words “no offense, but” — it drove me stone crazy.And in fact, I do it too.”I love her to death, but…””Not that I’m perfect myself, but…”It’s a little acknowledgement that what’s coming isn’t going to be very nice or goodhearted, that’s all.It doesn’t make it any less hypocritical, but neither does you calling their attention to it.

Ask yourself why it bothers you so much, because that’s really the only way you can address the issue.Correcting people isn’t going to get you anywhere.

Dear Sars,

I know that after “24 Vines in 24 Hours” you must be quite sick of giving advice. But you give such good advice I thought I’d give it a try.

There is this guy I know. He was a year older than me at college (he just graduated), and we worked together at the school paper — the sports section. He is obsessive about sports — to the point where I hate watching games with him, because he gets so furious he throws things and stuff like that. He also had very few social skills. He is well known as being just a weird kind of guy.

My sophomore year of college, we became vaguely friends, just because we liked all the same sports teams. I thought he was weird, but a nice enough guy. One guy was always telling me, “Watch out, he has a crush on you.” I thought, “No way, that boy is only interested in sports.” But the idea creeped me out.

Then he asked me to the big giant formal affair at the end of the year. Ick. I had zero (I mean, ZERO) interest in going with him, so I turned him down, rather ineptly. As in, “AUGUGHGH! Um, um, geez, um, I, um, ack, uh, no, see…” et cetera. I felt bad, but I thought that would at least deal with his crush.

No such luck. It’s weird — when we’re at school, he rarely does anything, but when we’re home, he starts calling me obsessively to do things with him. And even sometimes at school, I’ll notice him just staring at me. By this point, all his weird and quirky qualities that vaguely annoy other people infuriate me. And, except for the invitation to the dance, he’s never told me he likes me. So I can’t deal with it by saying, “No way, not in hell, you don’t have a chance.” And he doesn’t have that many friends, so I feel a little bad for acting bitchily towards him, but at this point he really bothers me.

My problem is this: As I said, he calls me obsessively. Like, we’re going to a baseball game (I said I’d go under the precept that others would be there, but no such luck). He called me 11 times in one day.I wasn’t in, and when I got home, I really didn’t want to talk to him. He does this all the time. If I’m not there, or I don’t answer, he keeps calling and calling, and calling. I have never — NOT ONCE — initiated a phone call or a social event, in the past two years. Never. And I only agree to do things with him about once out of every five times, because I feel bad for disliking him so much.

When complaining about this to my mom, I realized something. It’s not just that he annoys me. He makes me feel uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. And people are always saying, “Oh, ha ha.He must have a crush on you. You should be flattered.” But I’m not. I can’t even describe how much he freaks me out at this point. I can’t get rid of him. But it’s not like he’s threatening or anything, just obsessively calling (which stops once I say I can’t come or I will come, thankfully). My mom thinks I should cut off all contact with him, and says she’ll always tell him I’m not home if he calls, and that I should never call him back.

At first, that solution seemed awfully mean of me, and I didn’t know if that’s what I should do. That’s my first question: Would completely cutting him out without explanation be too mean? But I started thinking. He really does make me uncomfortable, and why should I feel obliged (and I do somehow feel obliged) to spend time with a person I don’t like spending time with? And if I don’t return calls ever, I’m not even sure that will work. He will not stop calling my house until I pick up or call back. He’s been known to call once every 10 minutes or so.Should I talk to him, tell him how much he makes me uncomfortable? I really don’t want to do this — I can’t even imagine having a conversation like that with a person who has no social skills, plus, as I’ve said, it’s not an issue that’s even been addressed by him.

It’s only a month till I go back to school. What should I do? Suck it up for a month and hope he gets a job in another city? Ignore him for a month and hope he gets the hint? Is this guy going to keep calling me when I’m thirty, like my mom suggested (shudder)? Please help!

Sign me,
Irritated

Dear Irritated,

God, does that sound familiar.And annoying.

Okay, here’s what you do.Explain to him that the obsessive calling has pushed your patience to its limit, and that it will stop.Don’t ask him to stop.Don’t bargain.None of the “call once, and leave one message, and then I swear I’ll call you back and we’ll do something” business.You have had it with him.Tell him so.

There’s no need to get rude or angry.Just tell him that you’re busy and you don’t need friends who smother you, and put an end to the conversation.You needn’t feel obligated to hang out with him if you don’t genuinely enjoy spending time with him, and how you deal with getting out of that is up to you — making gentle excuses, saying that you can’t and not explaining why, whatever — but as far as the calls go, well, that’s becoming harassment, and he needs to hear that in so many words.

Feeling sorry for him isn’t going to help the situation.His poor socialization isn’t your fault.

Dear Sarah,

Here I was getting ready to write my first ever letter to a stranger for advice, and you have already addressed the issue.

I will skip the part where I am kissing your ass, as it seems that others before me have done a fine job. But I really do appreciate your sense of the absurd.

Um, so I was writing because of exactly what you have addressed in “All the Wrong Places.” Like you, I am a great catch. I am 30, attractive, well-read, height-weight proportionate, blah blah, all that. Hell, I even have Direct TV. Unlike you, I live in a city much smaller than NY. Problem is, it seems impossible to meet any boys that I would even consider having a crush on. As much as I hate people who go out for the sole purpose of finding a mate, I’m starting to feel a little desperate here.

Yes, I am a complete and happy person without a man. I know that. But complete and happy people need sex, too. And not just sex. I’ve done that, and it was scary, and I’m not going to do that anymore.

I, too, once placed a personal ad. It was supposed to be a joke, but I ended up checking to see who was interested every couple of hours. I was honest in my ad. That meant I got about three responses, two of which were out of state and the only thing in the descriptions were “Christian” and “looking for a wife.” Good God. Then I was reading the descriptions of the guys for entertainment and recognized someone I know. So I freaked out and took my description off.

So, any ideas on how to meet boys without being one of those desperate girls who go out looking for boys?

Signed,
No Sex in the (small) City

Dear No Sex,

Well, as I’ve said many times before in this space, the key is not to go out To Meet Boys.The key is to Go Out.

And by Go Out, I don’t just mean dolling yourself up on the weekends and sitting around in bars or dance clubs or at poetry readings or arranged attractively on a blanket in the park.I mean something larger when I say Go Out.I mean live your life; I mean do your thing.

God, I sound like Lawrence Ferlinghetti.Okay, let’s try this again.

I don’t have the first idea what appeals to men, in general or about me specifically.My attempts at “flirting” have amused countless third-party observers while at the same time failing all objective tests of subtlety, finesse, and aptitude.The part of my X-chromosome that’s supposed to lock boys into my tractor beam got bent during shipping, and I’ve never bothered to send it back for a replacement part.But now and then a boy looks at me and thinks, “Yeah, that’s the stuff.”Maybe it’s my sense of humor, maybe it’s my nose ring or my Kim Carnes voice, maybe he likes a girl with an ass that’s flat and lumpy at the same time — I just don’t know.But I do think a big part of it is that I don’t try very hard, because — well, “try” to do what, exactly?I don’t know how to treat men differently from women, and that’s not good or bad, really.It’s just the facts.Every person I meet gets more or less the same Sarah — drinking beer, fussing with the ashtray, throwing out her best material because she’s a little bit shy around new people.

I hate having to say things like this, because 1) they’re cheesy generalizations and 2) as such they don’t really help, but really, it’s the truth — you just have to stop trying.I mean, not the “turn your face to the wall and wait for death” kind of “stop trying,” but the “I’ve made my peace with my life as it is, and if it’s me, the Hitachi Magic Wand, and a few lurid fantasies about taking on Paul Rudd and William Fichtner at the same time, then so be it” kind of “stop trying.”Well, theoretically.I don’t even own a vibrator.[cough]Gee, will you look at the time?

Okay, seriously.Have faith.Just putter around in your life and get introduced to people now and then and don’t worry to much about how your eyeliner looks or whether he’s going to make fun of you for owning a Blink-182 CD.As I’ve said before, it’s all about negative capability.Right now, you’re free.Anything or anyone could happen to you, and that’s usually a good thing.

[9/5/01]

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