Dear Sars:

Just read the letter from “In” Love Alone, and I swear that could have been me talking two weeks ago. Here’s the thing — he’s not going to stay. He wants to break up, he’s just being cowardly about it. Sounds like he probably thinks she’s the kind of person he should be in love with, and he most probably did love her at one point. Sometimes love just fades, and — dammit — it never happens in equal measures on both sides of the relationship.

The other thing is that she’s being treated badly. You don’t have to hit someone to hurt them (obviously). Self-doubt in any measure is painful. In the quantities she’s dealing with, it’s borderline debilitating. I spent the last couple of months of a two-year relationship being treated the same way by a really lovely man. He broke up with me four days ago. Can’t remember the last time we had sex. Don’t recall the last time he told me he loved me. I know he cooked dinner for me every night to prove he cares. He would tell everyone who would listen what a wonderful person I am, but he was indifferent to me most of the time. There were other problems, mostly little stuff, but that probably hurt the most.My self-esteem? What self-esteem?

“In” Love Alone has had all the conversations with him that need to be had. She’s laid it on the line. She’s told him how she feels. But he really has also. When she says “I love you” and he says “I don’t know,” well, that’s really saying something more than just words. There comes a time when there’s nothing else to say about it, and sane people probably cut their losses at that point. She hasn’t. I didn’t.

I love him, but I don’t really miss him. I miss the companionship. I’m sad first thing in the morning when I wake up alone. But other than that, I only have one regret — that I let him make the decision. I ignored the signs, and I let the bad in our relationship outweigh the good for too long. I so wish I had told him months ago that he can’t treat me the way she’s being treated, and just given him the boot. She needs to let him loose and mean it — not just do it to prove to him that she’s strong. She should not let him decide when it’s time to end it. Trust me, she’s the only one really hurting here. And that’s not going to stop unless she stops it. I really hope she does.

Sign me,
Better Now

Dear Better,

Hey, you want an advice column gig?Because…exactly.

It’s really hard to know when to cut your losses, because you don’t want to do it prematurely, or for the wrong reasons, or do it and regret it, and you want to say “I can’t do this anymore” and have him fight to keep you, but deep down, you know he won’t, so you just don’t say anything.Trust me, I hear every word of that.But “I don’t know if I love you” means “I don’t love you.”Period.And it hurts like hell, but as Better points out, the news isn’t going to get any better.

A relationship isn’t wine and ballads every minute, it’s true, and you can’t bail at the first sign of trouble — but it’s not supposed to feel like carrying a piano, either, and past a certain point, you have to just leave the thing in the street and walk away.

Hey, Sars.

A disclaimer — the friends I make reference to in here are otherwise
really good, really considerate people. And they’re only trying to help.

See, I get panic attacks. They’re not anxiety attacks, or just a moment of
nerves — they’re panic. Full-blown, flat-out, unadulterated terror. And
they’re less constant now than they were a few years ago, but they still hit
me at least once or twice a week. The best way I’ve found to describe them
is drowning in air — I feel like I can’t breathe even when can hear myself
doing it; my fight-or-flight mechanism switches urgently to the latter; I
want to scrabble for something to pull me up and out of wherever I am that’s
causing me such panic, but I can’t, because thirty seconds ago this place
was home. My brain’s doing weird shit to my body, shit I can’t control,
monitor, or even predict with any certainty. I’m never in a nerve-wracking
place or situation when these happen; past locations include in my kitchen,
in front of the TV watching my sister play Nintendo, typing on the computer,
in my bed as I’m trying to sleep, in the middle of class…they’re varied,
untraceable, and apparently not at all rooted in whatever’s going on in my
conscious mind at the moment.

I’ve been to therapy regarding this, and they still come, and they’re still
debilitating, but that’s not my problem. My problem is my friends — I’ve had
these attacks for years, and they’ve essentially known about it from the
beginning. I felt a lot better after I told them, and though the attacks
still kept coming, I knew that I had people I could go to to ground me, hold
my hand, et cetera. So I’m glad I did.

But I can’t make them understand the severity of these things. They treat it
like it’s, I don’t know, stage fright or something. “Just breathe, and it’ll
go away.” Uh, thanks, and I know you’re trying to help, but first off, NO,
it WON’T, and secondly, I’ll be sure to keep that in mind for when I’m able
to breathe again, and did I mention NO IT WON’T HELP? “I know how you feel,
just calm down.” If it were under my power, I’d happily calm down, and
apparently, no, you don’t know how I feel, but thanks, Captain McObvious.
“Find a mantra/spot on the wall/happy thought and stick with that.” What?
WHAT? What the hell is this?

I can’t say these things, of course, and I don’t, but I’m nearing the edge.
I LOVE these people, and I know they’re only trying to help, but I can’t
keep hearing this stuff. I can’t figure out how to broach the subject,
though — the only time my panic attacks really come up as a topic of
conversation is a) when I’m having one or b) right after I’ve had one,
neither of which are times when I’m particularly in the mood to have a
patient conversation about the nature of comfort. And it’s comforting that
they’re trying to help, and I love them for it, but I end up feeling worse
because they apparently don’t give me enough credit to assume that, if it
were as simple as “just breathe,” I wouldn’t be in such a state about it.

I have to talk to them sooner rather than later, I think, because the next
time I hear “remember to breathe” in that condescending “there, there”
tone of voice, WHILE I’M PANICKING, I’m going to explode. Because I’m not
having a baby, I’m freaking the fuck out, thankyouverymuch, and I can’t
breathe, and I can’t remember my mantra or whatever, and they don’t
understand and they don’t have to — I just need them there. I just don’t
know how to explain this without hurting their feelings.

Thanks for your help, Sars. Sorry to prattle on.

Sincerely,
Freaked Out

Dear Freaked,

The first thing you have to do is accept that people who do not have, or have not had, panic disorder will not get it, even when you try to explain it.It’s like explaining the nature of menstrual cramps to a man; you can describe what it’s like, except that it’s not really “like” anything that he’s experienced, and that’s not his fault.It just is.

Pursuant to that, the second thing you have to do is admit to yourself that you kind of resent your friends for not getting it — that you envy them the fact that they have no experience with the disorder, and thus can’t really relate to what the attacks put you through.I’ve felt that way myself, when a well-meaning friend would suggest that “it’s just too much caffeine,” like, no, that’s not it, so why don’t you and your normal brain chemistry go fly a kite?They just want to help, but because they don’t understand it from a firsthand-experience standpoint, they don’t know how to help, really, and it does tend to make you feel even more alone with the disease (and ashamed of it) when it’s suggested in soothing tones that maybe you just need more sleep.

But, see, I get exactly what you mean, about all of it, because I have had panic disorder.Your friends who haven’t?Won’t.It’s lonely for you, but it is what it is.So, you can do one of two things.You can tell them exactly what you need them to do during one of your attacks, and run it like a medical procedure: “You, hold my hand.You, get me a glass of water.The rest of you, clear the room and SHUT IT.”Explain that you know it’s inscrutable, and you don’t mean to boss them, but it’s the best and fastest way to get you out of the chute and you hope they’ll understand.Or you can just recognize the “breathe deeply” chatter as an honest attempt to help and tune it out.But either way, I think you do need to make your peace with the fact that, even though you want them “there,” there’s only so far your friends can come with you on this thing, and that it’s not their fault.

Dear Sars,

I’ve got a question that I hope you can help me with. I feel a bit silly
writing to you about this problem, but I just don’t know what to do. I’ll
try to keep this as brief as possible. See, there’s this cat…

My partner and I have two cats. One is outgoing, friendly, and loves
everyone — a real people cat.The other one — let’s call her Scaredy Cat —
is just the opposite. She’s afraid of almost everyone, except me; hardly
anyone sees her unless I’m home, and when I’m home, she’s usually on my lap.

Now here’s the problem. For career/research reasons, I’m thinking about
applying for a grant to do research abroad. It would be pretty important,
to get the kind of information and research that I need, to do this
research abroad not just for a few weeks, but for a whole year. The place
I’d like to go to is one of my major areas of specialty, and to have
credibility in my field, I really kind of need to do this…but because of
Scaredy Cat, I’m not sure I should.

See, there’s no way I can take the cats along. I mean, even after reading
“Have Cats, Will Travel”, I’d be
more than willing to do it, but not only would I have to put them through
all kinds of shots and tests firsts, but then — the deal-breaker — they’d
have to spend a minimum of 30 days of quarantine in a government facility
at our destination (where, at the government vet’s discretion, they could be
sent back or destroyed if they didn’t pass all the tests — augh!). So
there’s not a chance in hell that I’m going to put them through that.

However, I worry that leaving them while I go abroad would also be too
traumatic for them. Well, not them.I’m sure that People Cat would do okay —
he’d miss me, but he’d either have my partner, whom he loves, or other
cat-friendly people living in the house who’d do their best to entertain
and cuddle him. It’s Scaredy Cat I’m worried about. She’s almost two and has
lived with us her whole life, and hardly even lets my partner pet her. This
is something we’ve tried to work on (that’s a whole different issue), and
maybe if he stayed here, me leaving for a while would actually help their
relationship, because she couldn’t rely on me…but maybe not. She does
have People Cat — they get along like sister and brother (and they bond
even more when my partner or I are away for a little while), but I worry
that essentially, I’d be leaving her to be really, really miserable for a
year, and I don’t know that I could do that.

At the same time, as all kinds of people have told me, doing a year of
research abroad is pretty damn essential to my career.(I’m in academia,
getting my Ph.D; with many more Ph.Ds out there than there are jobs, this
could be a big decision.)

So I feel really stuck. I don’t need to apply for the grant for a few months (and there’s no guarantee I’d get it, though I have a good shot),
but before I even apply, I want to figure out whether it’s something that I
should consider. Or maybe I’m making this into a much bigger deal than it
needs to be — maybe the cat doesn’t care nearly as much as I think she
would? Please, O Sage and Cat-Loving Sars, any advice?

Thanks,
Worried Cat Mom

Dear Worried,

I don’t think it’s as big a deal as you think, no.Cats do not have long memories, and I don’t mean this in a dismissive way, but she’s only going to be “really, really miserable” without you for about a week, and then she’s going to get over it.

She’ll have your partner, and she’ll have People Cat.She’ll do just fine.

Hey, Sars!Love the Vine…you rock!

So, my question.I have been dating this guy for a couple of months.
He is truly an excellent, kind, interesting, good guy to date, and I
am exceedingly adoring of him, and I think the enchantment is mutual.
However, all…and I mean all…of his friends are female. And
when ever he mentions Jeannie, or Anne, or Celeste, or whoever, I do
kind of go, hmm.

There is no rational reason for this to bother me; his behavior is on
the up-and-up with them and with me, so I decided to just suck it up,
resolve not to let it bother me, and not say anything about it.He’s
a guy with lots of female friends, so what, right?

However, I am wondering…
What does it say about him that all his friends are girls?
You think I’m doing the right thing?
How do I quit letting my…jealousy? Nip me with these little
sharp teeth?Hey, it ain’t rational, he’s given me no reason, so how
do I get my emotions to SHUT UP?

Thanks,
Wondering

Dear Wondering,

When a straight man has a lot of female friends, it indicates — at least to me — that he’s able to see and interact with women as human beings, and not just as love interests or sex objects.He’s not intimidated by women, and he doesn’t see them as hopelessly Other.

But when a straight man has only female friends, well, that depends.Maybe it stems from a social trauma in high school; maybe he just doesn’t happen to have any close guy friends for reasons of geography or what have you.Unless he’s made comments or generalizations about men that you find odd, I wouldn’t worry about it.

As far as the jealousy goes, just remind yourself that if he’s going to cheat on you, he could do it with a stranger just as well.Decide to trust him and move on.

Dear darling, cherished Sars,

It feels ridiculous and incredibly good to be writing to a stranger about a
personal problem.A good vent and an outside perspective is exactly what I
need right now! Thanks for the opportunity!

I’ve been together with “Craig” for almost three years. We generally get
along really well; I care about him a lot, he’s a great person; we have a
lot of fun together and appreciate each other on a lot of levels. He really
seems enjoy me when I’m completely happy and satisfied, but once I express
that I’m upset or concerned about anything involving our relationship, he
gets angry and really defensive. It doesn’t seem to matter how or when it
gets brought up (the rational, calm approach doesn’t seem to keep him any
more calm or rational), my unhappiness only seems to cause rage, and tears
seem to evoke a particularly angry reaction, which is all very painful and
very difficult to understand. Craig accuses me of sabotaging our
relationship; he claims that things must be going “too good” for me to
handle somehow. The idea seems ridiculous to me, because the reason I bring
up problems is to work through them. I want to solve them because ultimately
I believe it will make our relationship happier.

His anger upsets me further, and we get more and more frustrated with each
other. He comes to a point, sometimes sooner than others, where he just
shuts himself off. He won’t look at me, his responses become short and
meaningless, he just gets cold and distant. This front really frightens me;
it’s far from recognizeable not to mention relatable, and I worry about his
pent-up feelings.

I wish we could talk it out, but it just worsens the situation. His idea of
a solution is to leave and forget about it, which would be fine with me…if
it was possible. Inevitably the issue gets dredged back up and the cycle
begins again.

The most painful part is how, after confronting him about his drastic
transitions, he tells me how he thinks of me as two different people. It
really scares me, but it’s almost a relief, because the hot and cold
attitude has me second-guessing the existence of his love at all.

Lately, when I tell him I love him, he’ll respond with something like “I
love you too…when you’re not in a bad mood.” He labels me with “bad mood”
whenever there’s anything bothering me, and often makes derogatory comments
about PMS, eating and sleeping habits, sexual satisfaction…anything. At
first I wondered if he might be right; he has always been so convinced that
I just overreact when I’m in a bad mood and “create problems that don’t
exist.” But it’s not true, I feel how I feel, and regardless of whether the
issues I bring up seem trivial to him or not, my feelings on them should be
regarded and respected, as should his.

I care about him very deeply and I don’t want to give up, although the
option has crossed my mind more than once. My hope is that we can both work
towards a solution together. There’s so much leftover pain from the past
and we’re both so exhausted. It has to stop.

Any advice or insight you have is appreciated.Thanks ahead of time!

Perplexed and perturbed

Dear Perp,

“I love you too…when you’re not in a bad mood”?Ohhhh, I’ll show that little bitch a bad mood.Jesus Christ, what bullshit.Dump him, now.

Craig is a controlling, verbally abusive, sexist emotional retard.”But –“No.Using PMS as a relationship weapon is such a chauvinist cliché that I can’t believe you didn’t laugh in his face and tell him to fuck off.That crap about two different people is a classic manipulation technique, too — by making you think you’re crazy and in the wrong, he gets to put his shit on you instead of owning it.Ditto his shutdown mode; if he refuses to hear you, he won’t have to fix any of the problems you bring up.

He does it because it works.He has his tantrums and turns his back on you, and when he turns back around, you haven’t left for some reason, so he keeps doing it, because he thinks you’ll put up with it forever.

Don’t.Don’t put up with it for another day.You are allowed to have bad moods.You are allowed to discuss problems and issues in the relationship.You are allowed to have a relationship where love is not conditioned on your coming to heel like a good dog.Craig doesn’t allow you any of those things, so allow Craig to fuck straight off.

Dear Sars:

I know you’re not a therapist, but you’ve answered questions about
therapy in the past, so I thought I’d chuck this one out.

I tend to be a bit of a drama freak. A year ago, this got out of hand —
between my falling grades, bad relationships with friends, academic
burnout, and brother’s suicide attempt, I was going nuts — and I stuck
myself into therapy. After about two months, I took myself out becuase
of time issues.

Well, things are getting a little out of hand again — I haven’t slept
more than four hours in about three days, can’t eat, get dizzy, insane
road rage, and emotional swings — and I would like to go back to therapy.
It did help a little last time.

But my leaving therapy was abrupt, and I’m afraid that I may not be
ABLE to return gracefully. My only option is the campus therapists, and
as far as I know “my” therapist is still there. I feel like he might
somehow deny me access, or something. I mean, how do I make an
appointment, even, without sounding stupid? “Sorry I ran out last time,
but I’m ready to continue now. Still have the same problems?”

An aside to this is, I am also a psychology minor, and I’m nervous about
running into a professor while coming in and out of the clinic. How
would you handle a situation like that without being embarrassed?

Thanks,
Bats

Dear Bats,

“Your” therapist is trained to deal with these situations.The process is not easy, and people often have severe and ungracious reactions to it; professional counselors get that, and don’t hold grudges (or shouldn’t).You might not want to go back to that particular therapist, but I doubt that he’s even allowed to deny you access to campus services, much less that he’d actually want to.Just grit your teeth through the awkwardness and call for an appointment.

If you do run into a professor, or anyone else you know, at the clinic, nod and say hello and leave it at that.You can feel embarrassed if you want to, but fight the urge to babble or explain yourself; it’s not anyone’s business, so keep it polite and professional and don’t get into it.For all they know, you work there.

[9/5/03]

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