The Vine: September 5, 2007
Hi Sars,
I have a little family problem or maybe it’s my problem with the family. My aunt and her partner frequently go out of town and have taken to asking me to housesit (one word? two words?) and dogsit for them. It is a huge pain in the butt because I have to pack my clothes, pillow, necessities, etc. and I invariably forget something. I bring my own food, wash the sheets and towels before I leave, and take care of other little details for which they leave me notes. Also, it’s just inconvenient because it’s not my apartment with my routine and my stuff. But, they’re family, so I do it.
The thing is that their method of payment, if you want to call it that, is to take me out to dinner. That’s nice, and I enjoy spending time with them, but I’m also really seriously trying to lose a great deal of weight and I don’t want to be paid in food. I also don’t want to go to dinner with them just because they feel they need to pay me something. Frankly, I would rather have cash and go out with them just for fun. The other thing is that I sort of feel like I should be paid something.
Part of the issue is that I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. The last time I sat for them, one of them left their purse at the airport, so I ended up sending her passport by UPS (which has been repaid) and going to the airport four times to talk to lost-and-found people. My “payment” was breakfast after I picked them up at the airport. The whole meal cost $8. That’s the thanks I get?
So, I have these feelings of resentment and don’t know how to make the situation better. I want to help them out, in part because they’re my only family in town and I know they’d help me if I needed something. I’m starting to feel like a doormat. How do I ask my family to give me some cash or quit asking me for help?
I’m staying there again right now. On top of it, Sunday is my birthday, which is also the day they come back. They specifically asked me to think of a place to go for my “birthday dinner,” which we’ll do sometime after Sunday. Does that mean my birthday dinner is also my thank-you meal?
Thanks,
The help is fed up!
Dear Then The Help Needs To Quit Helping,
Okay, they’re family, but…where I come from, family doesn’t have to pack in their own linens. Family sleeps on my sheets, especially if family is doing me a favor. And yet, you tolerate it. You tolerate the significant disruption to your schedule; you accept a thank-you gift that you have every reason to turn down, apparently reasoning that, if you don’t go with them for a (bargain) dinner that you don’t want because it doesn’t fit your diet, you’ll get nothing else, even though it’s basically worse than nothing because it’s throwing off your eating habits; you do these extra things for them, and then you stew.
Why do they treat you this way? Because you permit it. You permit them to let you camp out in their home, watching their belongings and their pet, for no pay, when it’s a pain in your ass, so that’s what they ask of you — they know they’ll get it. They take you out to a dinner you don’t want — they don’t know you don’t want it, and they don’t know you feel that it’s inadequate. They don’t offer you cash in exchange for your trouble — you’ve never asked for it. And they’ll keep on doing it — you won’t say no.
The next time they ask? Say no. “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to — have fun on your trip!” End of story. Don’t give an excuse; just tell them you’re not available. That, or explain to them that it’s inconvenient, and why, and wait for an offer to let you skip the goddamn laundry and auxiliary-errand detail, or pay you. And if it’s not forthcoming, decline to help them.
Yes, they’re taking advantage of you, because you allow it again and again. Stop allowing it. Stick to your diet and your guns and tell them they’ll have to pay a housesitter instead.
Tags: the fam
