Dear Sars,

I’ve thought about writing to you several times, but now I find myself with a problem that I really need a fresh opinion on.It is, of course, a boy problem.Actually, it’s a two-boy problem, which is usually the worst kind.Let’s call these two young men Goofus and Gallant.

Goofus was a friend of mine from a few years ago.He is, well, a nut ball.Loud, charming, sometimes inappropriate, drinks a lot (but not dangerously), not someone you’d trust with your sister or take home to meet your mom.He is lots of fun to be around, as long as you don’t take him too seriously.He is also the most attractive person I’ve ever met.I don’t mean he’s handsome; I mean chemical, pheromone attraction.I have to try very hard not to sound like a bad romance novel when I try to write about him.We hooked up a few times back when we were friends, but nothing further ever emerged.Eventually, I gave up.I had enough of being led around by my hormones.I moved away, and have only kept in slight touch with Goofus.

Enter Gallant, a young man from my new city.Gallant is steady, intelligent and sweet.He has a good job, gets along with my family, and thinks I hung the moon.We’ve been dating for almost a year now, and he is ready to get more serious.The problem is, I’m not.I could give lots of reasons why, but what it boils down to is that I’m not very attracted to him.I love him, admire him, feel tons of affection for him, but there are no sparks when we touch.The sex is fine, but it’s the physical act, not the emotional or mental component, that I react to.

This all came to a head when I made a trip back to my old city to see some friends.Gallant and I were going though a rough time.My friends threw me a “Welcome Home” party and of course, Goofus was there.We had both grown-up and settled down a little since the last time we met.I was still painfully attracted to him, and he was very attentive to me.He was disappointed to hear that I was seeing someone, and expressed regret that we hadn’t been able to make a go of it.He said that if I ever stopped seeing Gallant, I should let him know.Nothing happened between us, but I haven’t been able to get him out of my head since.

Now, I feel confused and torn.I know in my head that Gallant is an amazing guy, and I’m afraid that if I let go of him I will never find someone as great.I also know that Goofus is no good for a long-term bet, but since I’m young I’m not sure that matters very much.On the other hand I’m young, and I shouldn’t have to settle for a relationship which is good for me, but completely bland, right?

I guess my question is this, am I an idiot for even contemplating breaking up with Gallant?And, if not, am I really doing it for myself or because I want to go have a wild, and probably ultimately heartbreaking, fling with Goofus?Does it matter?

Thanks for any perspective you can offer.

Yours,

Dating and Confused

Dear Dating,

I don’t think you’re an idiot to contemplate breaking up with Gallant — it’s the most sensible idea, in my opinion.You like him, you care about him, but…you don’t love him and you’re not very attracted to him and the longer you stick around, the harder it’s going to seem to pull away and start over on your own.

Or with someone else, which…eh.If you know for a fact that Goofus is a bad call long-term, why mess with that?Maybe you really think you can keep it light, have sex for a while, and then move on, and if you can do that, hey, go for it…but if you’re just telling yourself you can do that, and what you really mean is, “I want him to commit to me, and/or change for me, and I haven’t really accepted that that won’t happen and that I’ll probably get my feelings ground up trying in vain to get that to work”?Look at the reality.Look at what the reality is likely to be in two years.Decide accordingly.

It’s time to split up with Gallant regardless, but when you do, use the time to think.Think about why he doesn’t turn you on, and Goofus does.Think about the possibility that you want what you can’t have, and how you can kind of change your thinking there so it’s not leading you into emotionally self-defeating situations, now and in the future.

Like my dad says, if you don’t know what to do, take a minute and don’t do anything.Clear your mind and be honest with yourself about 1) what you want, 2) whether you can realistically get it, and 3) the cost.

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