The Vine: September 7, 2011
What’s your opinion of cash bars at weddings?
I attended a wedding recently where there was a charge attached to every beverage except tap water. This was met with a ton of grousing (I heard one seventy-something relative say to another that cash bars were “the height of tacky”). This is the first time I’ve ever been to a wedding with a cash bar — I’ve been to weddings with no hard liquor, but I’ve never had to pay for a drink at a wedding. I think cash bars are tacky, because to me, they violate the rules of hospitality. A couple wouldn’t have guests in their home and say, “Listen, if you want a glass of red, it’s $6”; they’d just serve them what they had on hand. If a couple can’t afford to have booze at their wedding, just don’t serve it — while I will always take advantage of an open bar, I’d be totally happy drinking Diet Coke at a wedding.
Since the wedding, the bride has heard that people have been talking about the cash bar (she probably heard it AT the wedding — if I overheard it, I’m sure she did too) and has been running around justifying their decision to have it, which to my mind is unnecessary — the wedding is over, go on and be married. (Her husband, who is my connection to the couple, is very eye-rolling about the whole thing, like “Yes, OK, that didn’t go over that well, can we move on?”)
In a straw poll of people in my circles (a rainbow coalition of late-20s/early-30s, white-collar urban Northeastern folks — and my 80-year-old grandmother, who was completely horrified), the response has more or less been “Cash bar? You had to pay for soda? Yikes.” But I did have one friend who didn’t think it was so bad. “It’s like a night out. You’d pay for a drink in a bar or a club.” A wedding, to my mind, isn’t like a bar — it’s a private party, and as such, it IS like a night out — but one that the hosts take on the costs for. Again, to use the dinner party example, I’m on the hook for my transportation to the party, but once I’m there, I wouldn’t expect to pay for anything.
So what do you think?
C
Dear C,
A cash bar at a wedding is not something I came across much, growing up; nor is it something I would do/have at my own wedding. A wedding isn’t identical to a private party, but I agree with you that it’s analogous; serving food and drink isn’t required — but if it is done, it’s done at the expense of the host, because the host is, you know, the host. And in the case of a wedding, the guests have usually gone to some expense already to attend — bought a dress/cleaned a suit, traveled, purchased a gift — and not offering at least wine and beer free of charge is chintzy, to my mind.
With that said, I come from northeast WASP country, and the cash bar is not part of the wedding culture. Also, I am a lazy skinflint who doesn’t want to have to dig into her clutch for cash at the reception. But for other people, it’s SOP and no big deal, and we could say that about any number of features or traditions of weddings — dollar dances, the hora, jumping over a broom, old ladies making off with the centerpieces at the end of the night, you name it. I mean, I can’t remember the last time I saw a bouquet toss at a wedding, but for some folks it’s still a meaningful custom.
So, a cash bar is not something I would do, but I also don’t think it’s as easy as “that’s tacky, period full stop.” You have to put it in context with the rest of the wedding, and the couple, and blah blah blah. If it’s a fairly informal or low-key outdoor thing, not very dressy, and it’s of a piece with the rest of the event feeling maybe more like a barbecue or pass-the-hat type of affair and nobody else is flinching at buying a beer? Then who cares. It’s one event. It’s maybe mildly annoying if you hadn’t expected it, but “tacky” is a little strong. If the reception is at a schmancy country club, though, and the invitation had a strongly-worded dress code, but then an inch of bourbon is nine bucks, I feel like maybe someone doesn’t get it somewhere.
And it’s not okay to charge for soft drinks, period, I’m sorry. “But that’s just how the venue runs the –” I don’t care. It’s soda and juice, and this is your family and friends. Work that shit out.
Short answer: cash bar for alcohol = not my choice, but it depends on the circumstances. Cash bar for everything = bullshit.
Tags: etiquette
I definitely feel that charging for all drinks is silly, unless you’re also not serving food. But I don’t particularly have an issue with a cash bar at a party. My parents had a huge retirement/anniversary party in a rented hall, with a cash bar, and everyone was perfectly happy. I rarely carry cash, though, so I’d like to know in advance!
However. A party is a party, but a wedding is a party with gifts. And I think it’s part of the assumed wedding contract – the bride and groom get presents, and the guests get something in return. Not that I’m saying the “something” has to be booze, but the booze available should be equivalent to the type of event you’re throwing, and if you can’t afford an open bar on top of the dinner and the DJ, maybe scale back to a more low key event. Or have free drinks with dinner, cash bar after. Really, though, does it matter? The point of a wedding is to celebrate the marriage – are a few free drinks going to make you that much happier for your friends?
OK – I just reread my post above. Clearly, I was driven crazy at the prospect of charging for drinks at a wedding but when I was discussing my cousins reaction having to pay for drinks at my wedding, I said “If I didn’t have a cash bar”. Clearly I meant “If I didn’t have an open bar.” Man, I feel my cousins bristling long distance at this Freudian slip.
I’m also in the “tacky, full stop” category and I think this is one of the things that guests will complain about, because they feel taken advantage of, especially if there was no mention of the cash bar on the invitation.
However, to me when someone says cash bar, it means that water, juice, soda, seltzer, coffee and tea are AT LEAST being provided. Some cash bars also have wine and beer but then the hard stuff is a charge. That the bride and groom let their guests be charged for soda – that would leave a very sour taste. It really looks like indifference towards the guests comfort.
I think I’d agree with what Sars is saying, that cash bars for alcohol are annoying but generally not tacky, while cash bars for all beverages are all the way past “tacky” and right up to “insulting”.
That said, I could see how a cash bar for beverages ended up happening. My wife and I went through ten kinds of hell trying to get our wedding sorted; at one point, we were going to have three different catering services (one for dinner, one for drinks, and one for the cake.) If the vendor you end up with with doesn’t offer anything but “pay by the drink”, that might be just how that particular jelly rolls.
Note also that an open bar can be as expensive as the food itself–I know that, for us, the food was something like forty-five a pop and that included the cake and the champagne and the DJ, and wine-and-beer would be another TWENTY (and that’s cheap box wine and Bud). Quality booze, including liquor, wound up being another forty each on top of what we already were paying.
One thing I’ve seen is an arrangement where the bar tab gets settled after the event; like, the bar is open at the reception, but they track every bottle opened and charge you afterwards.
Incidentally, if you decide to go cheap on the reception site, make sure that you’re even allowed to have alcohol served. One place (a community center) said that they’d allow only beer and wine, and only before ten PM, and only if a member of the center staff was present (and we paid for their time, and probably they’d expect to be served a meal as well.)
******
I also agree with Sars that a videographer is a waste of money. Also, based on my experience…unless you know a super-awesome guy or you honestly think that nobody’s going to dance unless an emcee works the crowd, then an iPod with “greatest wedding hits vols. 1 thru 4” set on “shuffle” is all the DJ you’ll need.
You have no control over how much people will drink at an open bar (and how many people will order, take a few sips, set the drink down, forget about it and then just go get another drink, because hey – it’s free!).
You can control booking the reception at a venue that doesn’t just quote you a flat rate, though. Can’t you? I’m asking. Because I know what the booze would cost them, and I know I would not pay a per-glass charge so they could do capital repairs on the 800% profit they make on a watery vodka cran. But it’s possible they see a wedding coming and start gouging, so I don’t know. I’m just surprised to hear that the flat rate isn’t more standard, so maybe it isn’t.
I went to a Mormon wedding reception once (not allowed to attend the actual in-temple service) which, of course, was dry…but then when they cut the cake there was ALSO no coffee. I thought the long-suffering boyfriend I’d dragged along was going to burst into tears at that revelation. Heh.
The people who are responding here AGHAST really need to chill out. The only reason for the attitude seems to be “this is what hosts (are supposed to) do,” but in a world of registries on wedding invitations and cash gift requests, what’s so alarming about paying for a long island?
First, I totally agree with Sars’ response: paying for soda = lame; paying for alcohol = can be okay.
For example, my best friend is getting married and his fiance’s parents wanted to pay for the wedding. The thing is, the parents are mormon and weren’t comfortable paying for an open bar. The couple is a pair of winos, so they felt an open bar was important. Luckily, his parents agreed immediately to cover the bar and the mormon parents conceded that it was okay to have one. Sure, you could still argue the “well don’t do it if you can’t pay for it blah,” but you’re missing another way of thinking.
For example, my friends like to drink (see above), but an open bar is expensive and I personally would not be willing to spend the money. Cash bar for alcohol (not soft drinks) by no means forces anyone to pay for something. It’s a choice that I’d feel perfectly comfortable giving my guests. Want a drink and don’t mind paying for it? Go nuts. Happy with diet soda? Enjoy.
How is that bad? (Rhetorical).
The wedding I went to last summer had a cash bar, including $2 for my small glass of Coke, which I assume was marked up due to the presence of a paper umbrella. I got fed and paid for going to this thing, though (I babysat the couple’s toddler daughter all day and all night), so I suppose I shouldn’t grouse about, in the end, $6. But if I hadn’t been working at the wedding, I wouldn’t have had any cash on me to begin with, which means drinking the water out of the centerpiece, I suppose.*
I don’t drink, though, and would feel kind of odd, I think, not paying for my drinks while everyone else at the wedding paid for theirs, so it didn’t bother me. What did bother me is not knowing it was going to be a cash bar. I’ve been to three weddings in my entire life, the last when I was about eight years old, so I don’t know what’s normal here or whether or not a cash bar should have dawned on me. All I know is I would have been SOL and that would have pissed me off.
* Or not — I know the bride and groom through the bride’s mother and stepfather, who are former coworkers and good friends of mine, and they would have kept me knee-deep in paper umbrellas all evening if I didn’t have any cash on me. That’s sort of beside the point, though.
Sarah, I’m not sure what you’re asking w/r/t a “flat rate” for booze. I think you’re maybe saying the venues would quote you something like “$45 for one bottle of Absolut, $25 for one bottle of Cabernet, $200 for one keg of Guinness.” Is that right? At least in the Midwest where I’m an event planner, the truth is: most places will charge you by the glass. They will have a 2 or 3 “packages” of increasing quality/price, with a per-drink rate for mixed drinks, wine, and beer. A few good places will charge by the bottle or keg, but that is less common and there is still no real way to predict/control how much you will ultimately spend. I’ve also NEVER heard of a venue that is all or nothing – either you host alcohol and non-alcohol or you don’t. In most venues, NA beverages are treated in an entirely different way, and my suspicion is that the C’s friends just didn’t think about it, so it got lumped in with the cash bar.
Here in the Midwest, I go to many weddings with cash bars, or partially-hosted bars(either for a certain amount of time, or just beer). So while I don’t love it, I also don’t find the cash bar to be the height of tackiness. I actually think there are some small-town places where it would be seen as snobby to host the bar (because it’s like showing up all the other weddings that take place in your community). As a guest, I would personally prefer the beer/wine only hosted bar over any other money-saving tactic. But if I were only hosting beer and wine, that’s all I would make available. It’s jarring after a glass of wine with dinner to come up to the bar, order a G&T, and get hit with an $8 charge.
Finally, I want to address the idea of drink tickets, because: HATE. Especially if you’re giving people two, with the idea that the non-drinkers will pass theirs to the big drinkers – then what is the point? You will save almost nothing. And it’s such a hassle for you, the bar, and especially your guests who will certainly take note that you felt it was necessary to limit their consumption.
I think Sars basically gets it right here. Myself, I’m from Southern WASP culture, and my family would have been H.O.R.R.I.F.I.E.D. if the hubs and I had had a cash bar at the wedding. But my family’s culture’s not the only culture, and I get that a lot of people find cash bars at weddings a totally acceptable way to economize. Certainly I’ve been to weddings with cash bars, and it would have been unbelievably tacky for me to complain. When you’re invited to a party to celebrate a meaningful life event, you don’t turn around and say, “But your party didn’t meet my exacting standards!” If you don’t think you’ll like it, you don’t go. HOWEVER, I’ve had a lot more fun at the parties with open bars.
I think the free beer and wine, with either no hard liquor or hard liquor for cash only, is a good way to go if you need to economize. That’s what we did at our wedding, because we didn’t want to pay for a bartender when we knew most everyone would be happy with beer and wine. (The best man did bring a secret stash of gin, which my mother was mighty happy about, though.) I also agree with the idea of splurging on only a few things, especially the food and wine/beer/liquor. NO ONE wants to see your wedding video (which is why we didn’t have one). And no one besides you cares if you’re wearing a $10,000 designer dress – they’d rather eat, drink, and be merry.
Charging for non-alcoholic beverages is tacky.
Cash bar is ok, depending on circumstances, as has been discussed. Bride and groom not big drinkers? Fine. Wine with dinner, and hard liquor is at the guests’ expense? Fine. I’ve been to a wide variety of affairs, and have no issue with any of them.
In terms of costs, there’s usually two types of open bar: flat rate per hour, or per drink. Usually a venue will suggest one or the other depending on the size of the event. So if you know you’re having 50 people at a wedding, 5 of whom will have 2 drinks each, then a per drink bar is a deal for you. If you’re having 200 people who will blow through gallons of liquor, you probably want flat rate per hour.
Some venues do let you BYOB so you can at least save by buying the liquor wholesale at BevMo or something.
Sarah, I’m not sure what you’re asking w/r/t a “flat rate” for booze. I think you’re maybe saying the venues would quote you something like “$45 for one bottle of Absolut, $25 for one bottle of Cabernet, $200 for one keg of Guinness.” Is that right?
No. I mean a flat rate for all drinks for everyone for the entire event. NA is X; NA + beer and wine is Y; NA + open bar is Z. This is how I’ve seen it done for other events, and frankly, this is how I would do it if I ran an event space of this type AND I knew how much a party of [x] people tended to drink. Sometimes it’s way less and you have booze left over. Sometimes it’s way more because, um, maybe it’s a Bunting event? But if you can be like, “150 people tend to drink this much,” why not price it out, triple it, and that’s the flat rate?
I mean, I get why not, if you can get away with a per-glass charge. But I know what that rotgut catering Chardo cost wholesale, and if you try to charge me $25 a bottle for it because I’ve got a veil on, we won’t be doing business. Of course, this attitude probably explains why I have not HAD a veil on to date, but I can only be what I am. Namely, cheap.
Aaaaanyway: I was just asking if that were not the common practice, to hear a flat quote for what a certain size of wedding might be expected to guzzle.
@Nikki: I think it’s totally tacky to make cash gift requests and put the registries on the invitation. When Pam was running around on The Office asking her coworkers for cash, I side-eyed her something fierce.
I’ve never been to a wedding with a cash bar either, although I have been to a dry wedding and a backyard wedding with just beer, wine, and a glass of champagne for the toast. So for me, I would primarily be irked that I hadn’t been told ahead of time to bring cash, because all my previous wedding experience has taught me that I don’t need to. And paying for soda is total bullshit. I saw that on that TLC show Four Weddings and I thought it was bullshit then. (One of the brides was 19 and couldn’t drink so she asked for fruit punch and was charged. And the wedding in question had something like a $70K budget.)
I think a cash bar is tacky, but I think it is also tacky to overindulge in anything when it is at somebody else’s cost. Particularly if the only reason you were doing it was that it didn’t come at your own cost. People who did that would not be my friends any longer.
My own experience is very limited, as I haven’t been to many weddings I actually remember, but my sister had a morning breakfast where we (that is, her family) brought in champagne, along with mixing stuff for mixed drinks (I’m sure you can tell I’m a big drinker). Other stuff (water, juice, tea, coffee, I think soda) was available for drinking as well. Maybe we just aren’t big drinkers, because we bought the recommended amount of alcohol for the number of guests (recommended by the package store), sent a number of bottles home with guests and my sister, and only now, almost two years later, are we finally near to finishing it up. Seriously, we’ve been giving it as gifts in a pinch. But maybe we had so much left over because of the time of the day. Maybe a morning wedding is another alternative that would cut costs without being tacky?
“I haven’t been to many weddings I actually remember.” Rereading that, it sounds wrong. Add “because I was too young.”
My caterer charged a per-person fee for alcohol. I was shocked, shocked! to discover that adding a full open bar (as opposed to just beer, wine, and a signature cocktail) was only an additional $3.50 per person. The caterer said that more people drank wine and beer than did hard alcohol, hard alcohol is cheaper per drink than wine or beer, and they already would have the standard items used as mixers on-hand, so it really wasn’t a big expense.
Now, I’m not sure that held true for the hard-drinkers I hosted, but still.
(and I’m in the “cash bar = super duper tacky” camp)
Regarding the cost of an open bar: Maybe it’s because we didn’t rent a traditional hotel-type wedding venue, but they did not offer a flat rate for an open bar. Basically you would have to open a tab and pay up at the end of the evening. We were told that the bar tab would likely exceed the food bill. And I gathered their approach was not uncommon.
Also, we didn’t go with a videographer to begin with, (never understood why people want to do that anyway) but there’s no way that the cost of said videographer would come even close to covering a bar tab for an open bar at an average 100-person wedding. Maybe we just drink a lot in Wisconsin? In our case, people still had fun, they still talk about how awesome the food was, some of the beer snobs still comment gratefully on Husband’s choice of beer (usually beer/wine weddings serve crappy beer). It worked. Maybe it helps to wait more than a decade before actually getting married? hee.
Once upon a time, I attended an outdoor wedding in Miami. It was held in the mid-afternoon on a sweltering day in July.
They charged for every beverage. INCLUDING WATER. Seriously.
(And as icing on the cake, the bride was freaking out non-stop about how everything had to be “perfect” at all times.)
Really interesting discussion.
I have never been to a cash bar wedding. I did go to one where they did a sort of last call: after 9 PM you had to buy your drinks. That was OK by me.
But within my circle of friends there was one wedding that people still talk about, 13 years later. Apparently, the bride had a considerable budget (said to be 100k) but focused most of it on her dress, location and flowers. She also picked bridesmaid dresses that cost in excess of $300, which her attendants were required to buy. And she had a cash bar, soft drinks included. No one seems to remember what her dress looked like or if the location was beautiful. But they sure did remember buying a glass of Sprite.
So back to the know your room comment. If all/most of the weddings you go to have cash bars, a cash bar is probably OK. But if that’s not the case, you should at least pay for soft drinks, beer and wine. And coffee.
My sister has been putting on events for years, and her advice to every bride she encounters is cut to the flowers to the bare minimum and double the bar. No one cares about the flowers except maybe three people at the event, and the bar is almost always understaffed.
I’m getting married in April. We have budgeted wine and beer and sangria into the event. We decided against hard booze (though a margarita machine may make a surprise appearance) mainly because it’s a several hour reception at a ranch, and we don’t want people so blasted drunk that they can’t drive home afterwards. We’re also serving lemonade and root beer. And plenty of water. (We’re not paying for the space, my fiance is a dj, and we aren’t really having any attendants. Any flower in the wedding will have been picked from the garden. Almost all the expenses are going to food and drink. And maybe a photographer.) We are from a hard drinking stock.
While I’ve been to cash bar weddings of various iterations, I’ve never been to one where every drink but water was charged. I NEVER have cash on me. It’d irritate me if I came to a wedding and was charged for diet coke.
Personally, I wouldn’t invite more people than I could pay for. A wedding isn’t a requirement, it’s not like you can’t get married unless you have the ceremony. The ceremony is just a kick-ass party to celebrate your commitment, and all expenses are handled by the bride/groom/their families. If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to prune down your guest list to something manageable or to have a less expensive celebration. (My view of it is this: hard liquor = less formal ceremony and therefor the price of liquor shouldn’t be that big of an issue. A more formal ceremony doesn’t call for hard liquor, though obviously YMMV. Formal ceremonies call for wine, tea, water, coffee. Champagne is the only liquor I’d imagine serving at a formal wedding, though I can’t stand the stuff personally.)
To the LW: yes the cash bar was tacky. Not only were the guests not warned in advance (I don’t take cash with me to weddings; I don’t like carrying a purse), but they were charged for all beverages.
I was at one cash bar wedding recently. I think we had wine with hors d’oeuvres out on the terrace immediately following the ceremony when pictures were being taken, but a cash bar during the actual reception, although we didn’t have to pay for coffee or soft drinks. That didn’t strike me as all that weird, but then again I was aware that there were at least a few recovering alcoholics on the bride’s side of the family, including a recently sober father of the bride, so that may have played a role. We made it work by incorporating the drinking into the night-before post-rehearsal dinner karaoke trip and the post-reception bowling trip. (And yes, drinking Bud Light in a bowling alley in formalwear is an awesome experience.)
The other Gen-Y wedding reception I attended was in a suite in a Vegas casino, and was a fantastically low-key experience featuring Hans and Leia Star Wars figurines as the cake topper. Don’t remember anything about beverages whatsoever… it was more of a cake-champagne-and-appetizers kind of reception.
Cate, your experience is the same as mine (also from the UK), and I think it goes to show just how wildly wedding customs can vary from country to country.
I am relatively confident in saying that matters are entirely reversed over here; I have never experienced a free bar at a wedding, and wouldn’t expect to. In my experience, you are often given a glass or two of something sparkly on arrival at the reception venue, a generous amount of wine at dinner, and another glass of something sparkly for toasts during the speeches, but from then on drinks (soft or boozy) are paid for. This is never an issue of any consternation amongst guests, so I was actually quite shocked to see cash bars being shot down quite so vociferously. Who knows, maybe we all drink a helluva lot more than our US counterparts, so a cash bar would be financially crippling in a way that it wouldn’t over there!!
And, given that my husband-to-be is Canadian and we are getting married next year, am I going to be insulting half of the wedding party when they go to the bar for a rum and coke?!
Heh, @Cate. I’m a North American living in the UK and you would not believe the fights I had with my (English) now-husband about the booze at the wedding. We ended up going with a full open bar because I refused to let my North American relatives/friends who had come all the way over here for a wedding pay for booze, but he just did not understand why having wine with dinner, a Champagne toast and a cash bar afterwards was not okay with me. Normally I would have been fine with it, but not for our particular wedding with lots of guests who had gone to a lot of trouble and expense to be there, and whose cultural context was very much in the non cash bar part of the world.
That said, I have been to many weddings with cash bars and have no problem with them (as long as you are warned in advance so you have enough cash). It’s just such a regional/cultural thing and you basically have to deal with what you’re given.
‘Sometimes the couple will put up a certain amount of money and the venue will start charging people when it runs out’
Friends of mine did this. They’d pretty much paid for the whole (small) do themselves, but the two sets of parents put up £500 each for the bar. The barman just kept ringing up the till, and when the total hit a grand they started charging.
Can’t remember what they did about soft drinks, don’t think I ever enquired…
I’m with the “tacky/rude, full stop” camp. I don’t care what your finances are, there is nothing ruder than inviting people to your wedding – where you are presumably expecting a GIFT??? – and making them pay for refreshments. As many here have said, finances are not an excuse. Yeah, weddings ARE expensive – but they’re not mandatory, and you certainly don’t have a “right” to any particular level of one. if you can’t afford a lavish wedding, don’t have a lavish wedding. but your poor financial situation is not a justification for “charging” your guests just so that you can spend more on flowers or so that you can invite a few more people or have a fancier band. As has also been noted – would you charge dinner guests at your house for a glass of iced tea or soda? a wedding is no different.
And honestly, I’m disappointed some people would be so lenient as to make excuses for it. It’s that kind of excusing of selfish and tacky behavior that’s led to the full on bride-zilla “MY WEDDING IS ALL ABOUT ME” phenomenon that we now suffer through.
And PS: dollar dances ARE tacky. ANY time you charge your guests money is tacky. seriously.
So glad some UK people have chimed in. I’ve gone to one or two weddings where there was a free bar but even then it wasn’t all night. Most weddings I’ve been to, there has been one drink after the ceremony; plenty of red and white (and a soft drink) during the meal; champagne for the toasts; and coffee after the meal – but every other drink but tap water has been paid for. And when there has been a free bar (for any length of time) people have been impressed.
I’m amazed how different it is in the US. But then, birthday meals are very different here and Germany (my sister lives there) – over here if you invite people to go out for your birthday, people expect to pay (and possibly to pay *for* the birthday person; after all it’s your birthday!). Over there, if you invite people out for a birthday meal the host pays. So it’s not a continental thing. I guess it’s just different countries doing different things.
Even the wine and champers for our wedding cost a fortune, and our wedding was *small*. If we’d had to pay for a free bar we would have had all of two guests.
I think the idea behind dollar dances is to give the bride some starting-out money to run the household, so it’s dated, but it’s also optional. And: it’s a dollar. When my grandparents did it, that was more money (and I think my grandmother probably voted against it on grounds of “gavone”), and I think of them as kitschy versus tacky, but that’s opinions for you.
I wouldn’t be expressing yours above a whisper in the Italian section of Philly, though. Safety first, just saying.
I don’t think I’ve actually seen a dollar dance so clearly, I’m not spending enough time with my dad’s South Philly/Italian relatives ;-)
Miss Jeanne at Etiquette Hell HATES dollar dances, and while she can be overly uptight on some issues, that’s good enough for me. THe idea of “pay a dollar for a minute of the bride/grooms time” has enough of a whiff of, well you know what, to be TACKY. Besides the bride/groom should be making sure they spend at least a few minutes greeting every guest, without charging them for the privilige.
Back to the cash bar thing for a minute, while I already said I feel “tacky, full stop,” I also think the people grousing about not having cash? Seriously, voting adults, men and women, should not leave the house without at least $10 on them. I mean, sure, sometimes you need to hit the ATM on your way, but there are emergencies in life. And none of this “I didn’t want to bring a purse” stuff from the girls either-tuck it in your bra then or something. If you want to run around with no money on you and thus can’t get a drink, that’s on you, not your host.
Count me in the “cash bar for alcohol is OK, cash bar for soft drinks/juice is seriously uncool” camp.
@Sars, re: a flat-rate charge for booze — it’s definitely done, but it’s often not a good deal. The venues we looked at generally offered the option of either a flat per-person charge or a per-drink charge that would depend on how much everyone drank. But the flat-rate charges were INSANE. Everyone at the wedding would have had to drink 2+ alcoholic drinks *per hour* in order to make the flat rate cheaper than the per-drink rate. I guess for some parties, that would work out, but I knew our guests weren’t going to drink that much.
We ended up going with a venue that let us bring our own booze. The transport was a bit of a hassle but it was worth it to bring our favorite wines and beers and not get a $20 markup.
Another perspective:
Grandma is a member of the WCTU (Wikipedia it if you don’t know). Wedding guests were mostly family and a few close friends. The wedding itself was dry (non-alcohoic champagne), we didn’t charge for any beverages. We were in a hotel ballroom; a few people went to the hotel’s bar after dinner, bought cocktails, and brought them to the reception. Normally, Grandma doesn’t even go INTO establishments that serve alcohol, following her personal convictions, but she buttoned her lip for the whole wedding, smiled gloriously, and concentrated on seeing family and her granddaughter the bride and getting to know the groom still better. Nobody complained about the lack of alcohol including beer and wine.
Also re: the dollar dance, Miss Manners is great on this one. If it’s really truly a tradition in the family (like my mom’s Slovakian one), and everybody in the family does it as a nod to that tradition, it is NOT tacky. But “Miss Manners is hesitant to approve of a “tradition” of which the family has never heard.”
The woman is effing BRILLIANT.
Wow, I’m honestly amazed at how angry the thought of a cash bar makes people. I hardly think of my family as tacky, selfish, rude, or any of the other negative adjectives being thrown around. And I would hope that you all would have enough sense to bring cash and keep your mouths shut about the cost of your vodka drinks if ever you’re invited to one of our weddings.
Just because something goes against your expectations, does not mean the people who invited you are selfish or tacky. They might just have a different mindset than you. I’m always thrilled to go to an open bar wedding (or any event really) because it’s so rare around here. We generally expect to pay for our drinks, and are pleasantly surprised when we don’t have to. Free alcohol is rare in my world, so does that make most of the events I’ve gone to tacky?
@Sars – In planning my own wedding and helping friends plan theirs, I did find that several venues had exactly the flat-rate scheme you described, and would add another layer– +$X for top-shelf, craft beers, and better wine vs. well, domestics, and house. You usually buy these packages not necessarily flat rate for the entire night, but for the hour (so a 5-hour reception would cost more than a 3-hour reception).
While I agree that bitching about someone else’s wedding at the wedding is tacky, I’m really surprised with how common the commenters seem to find cash bars, or even beer and wine only bars. My husband and I are from the South, and have lived in Texas and the Midwest, and have families and friends on both Coasts, and currently live in Chicago, and neither of us has ever been to a wedding with a cash bar. I 100% agree with the advice above–cut the flowers, double the bar.
We actually had our reception at an awesome craft-cocktail bar in the city so…yeah, a totally open bar was important to us. For what it’s worth, we were just charged a flat rate for the entire night (to include all food, all cocktails, all beer and wine). The reception officially ended at midnight–after that, people who lingered until 2am paid for drinks, although I think the bartenders gave some pretty steep discounts, and didn’t charge my husband or me.
Charging your guests for hospitality is tacky. Don’t do it. Go with a limited bar, or a signature drink, but do not put your guests on the spot.
Chiming in from the Midwest–I was at a wedding a couple weeks ago that had a cash bar. It was the first one I’ve encountered and I wasn’t a huge fan. After driving 8 hours for the wedding, a complimentary glass of white wine would have been nice. This wedding also included a dollar dance and introduced me to the ‘garter auction’ so I got to do a lot of pearl clutching.
For our wedding, we offered beer/wine along with soft drinks and it seemed to work well. It was a matter of knowing our guests–most weren’t drinkers and those that were preferred wine/beer over hard stuff anyways. We bought couple cases each of a nice red, white, and sparkling, a keg of mass appeal beer and a half-keg of a local craft brew and our venue provided a bartender and charged a small corking fee. Our guests who wanted to drink were happy, no one got out of control, we stayed in our budget while offering good quality stuff (making my wine snob husband happy) and also had left over wine that we’ve used for special occasions since.
“Tacky,” in my lexicon, means, “not in the manner of the Eastern upper crust.” “Tacky” is a statement about class markings. The Eastern upper crust doesn’t do cash bars, because the Eastern upper crust doesn’t do collaborative hospitality. So, yeah, cash bars are tacky. Doesn’t make them objectively evil. I do think it’s a bit unkind to surprise your guests with a cash bar, so a big yes to the whole “reading the room” thing.
As for dollar dances – I know one woman who had one even though she didn’t really want to, because it was part of her family’s tradition, and if she hadn’t organized it, her uncles would have done it for her. I’ve also run across women for whom it was not part of their family’s tradition, but thought it sounded like a good way to recoup some of their outlay on the wedding, and so wanted instructions. The first? Tacky, and heartwarming. The second? Tacky, and mercenary.
We had a dollar dance at our wedding, and I’ll tell you right now I earned every cent of the $186 that was in our bag when we counted the next day. My husband is polish, and I polkaed my you-know-what off. And the guests got a shot at the end (the bride didn’t even get a glass of water until she stole her brother’s shot right out of his hands 15 minutes into it). And now I’m talking about myself in the third person.
That said, I don’t love them (don’t tell my in-laws, but I hate to polka). But my husband’s family insisted. At polish weddings you just can’t not have a dollar dance. Much like ziti on the buffet, I’m not certain you’re officially married into a polish family without a dollar dance. (At least not in southwestern PA.)
Well said, Jeanne.
I’m not even sure the difference in attitude is regional (excepting by country) so much as based on social circle. I live in Chicago, but I’ve gone to a LOT of weddings, all over the US, and I’ve never been to one that had a cash bar. I would be taken aback to encounter such a thing and it’s unlikely I would have much cash on me. And my jaw would drop if someone charged me for a soda, or, goddamn, WATER. That said, one of the nicest weddings I’ve ever been to was a small afternoon affair that my friends were paying for themselves, and they went the heavy appetizers, champagne cocktail only route. No other booze or food, and no one thought that was strange. Instead, it was a lovely, low-key event. An understanding of the couple’s circumstances as well as the make-up of your guest list seems key to avoiding all the misplaced expectations people seem to encounter.
Very interesting to read all the comments, though. Amazing differences in approach. I can’t believe no one’s commented on the community “socials” one poster mentioned. I don’t know what part of the country that is (I’ve also never heard the term “toonie bar” that some have used), but that is some crazy shit, especially if the couple makes that money off the event and STILL has a cash bar at the actual wedding. Different strokes for different folks.
So, if one is having a cash bar, is it expected to include that info on the invite? Or is it so default that so stating is unnecessary? Me, I’ve never been to a wedding like that; it would certainly come as a shock to me. And since fancy dresses seldom have pockets (see my rant in last Friday’s Vine-heh), I’d want the warning.
Admittedly, I’ve only been married once (thus far), but we had an open bar at our reception and actually ended up taking about 1/3 of the hard stuff back to the liquor store after the event and getting our money back.
Anecdotal evidence from friends suggests that people drink LESS at open bars than they do at cash bars, but obviously that’s just word of mouth.
@ Stanley:
It’s Canada, where the two-dollar coins are called “toonies” and likely Manitoba, because I think that’s about the only province in which a social is legal anymore.
@Stanley – “toonies” are Canadian: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canadian_2_dollar_coin
I believe the “social” thing is particular to the Canadian plains. The way I’ve heard them described in the past, it seems a pleasant custom. People in the community get a night out in friendly company, and maybe a prize; the couple gets a jump on wedding expenses. Everyone wins.
I really don’t think it’s ever appropriate to have a cash bar at a wedding. If you can’t afford to cater for your guests, invite fewer people. If you want to include lots of colleagues, casual friends, and other people who you like, but who will push your budget into the red, arrange a get-together at a bar just after the wedding for the people who didn’t make the cut.
Weddings are so flipping expensive for guests these days and I think the the least you can do is cover the cost of beer and wine – you certainly don’t need to make it a totally open bar, but if you want people to toast your happiness it’s the least you can do to pay for it!
Yeah, no free sodas and non-alcoholic drinks is nuts.
I’m from the Midwest (Catholic) and the norm was free soft drinks and beer and wine, but the ‘cash bar’ was hard liquor. ‘Cash bar’ never meant all alcohol and definitely not all drinks period. My siblings all bought a bunch of hard liquor and mixed drink makings and had one of our cousins (who knew what he was doing and was paid as well as tipped) tend bar and they had a couple kegs and wine. When that was all gone, the party was over, but I don’t think we ever ran out of anything.
We also tended to have our weddings in halls where bringing in your own alcohol was allowed. The other weddings where it was at fancier places was our standard hard liquor cash bar and all other beverages were free. No one ever minded paying for their hard liquor. My parents only ever drank 7 and 7s and didn’t mind paying for them at a wedding. But it *was* the norm, and they only went to one wedding a year at most, so they didn’t much care.
Also, I noticed a lot of folks didn’t mention what part of the US they were from or ethnic or religious subtext that had an effect on them being used to, not used to, or heavily against cash bars.
Midwesterners that I know (I’m Catholic, but have attended Protestant weddings- they tended to be drier than Catholic ones- sometimes totally dry, sometimes wine and beer only) are used to cash bar = hard liquor only and is the norm. We’re also mostly blue collar and German. I’d love to see some of the folks mention where and who they come from. Definitely makes for more context.
We also all do the dollar dance (though it involves both the bride and groom) and when folks don’t do it, people wish they had. It’s seen as a way to be sure every guest gets to spend time with the bride and groom without the couple having a list they have to tick off to make sure they manage to see everyone. Lots of folks give more than a buck, too. It’s as standard as the father-daughter and mother-son dance (we’re big on it not being just about the bride, I think) and everyone in attendance loves both traditions.
I’m now going to poll my Facebook friends on who is used to the cash bar and who isn’t. I have a huge range of folks from all over and varying walks of life. I find this stuff interesting and wonder more if it’s a blue collar/white collar thing, strictly regional, or a mix of both.
Beth said: ‘I’m amazed how different it is in the US. But then, birthday meals are very different here and Germany (my sister lives there) – over here if you invite people to go out for your birthday, people expect to pay (and possibly to pay *for* the birthday person; after all it’s your birthday!). Over there, if you invite people out for a birthday meal the host pays. So it’s not a continental thing. I guess it’s just different countries doing different things.’
Hey, Beth, are you saying you are in the U.S.? That’s the ‘over here’? Because every birthday dinner I go to (in the U.S.) has each person paying for themselves plus sharing the birthday person’s meal. But usually it’s also a friend putting the thing together, not the birthday girl/boy doing it themselves. I hosted my own b-day dinner at my house and obviously took care of the meal. My friends all brought me presents and offered to bring booze, food, etc.
@Stanley – definitely Canada.
@Janna – also southern Ontario :)
I’ve never heard them called ‘socials’ before… Here, they’re called a “stag-and-doe” or a “buck-and-doe”. No idea why. I’ve also never heard that they’re illegal, since you have to have a liquor licence and generally have them in a community centre that’s rented out. In my area, a stag-and-doe is pretty much a standard feature of any engagement. Everyone gets an evening out, and since it’s a public event, people who wouldn’t necessarily be invited to the wedding (like your parents’ friends, or your friends’ friends that you’ve met before but aren’t super close to) can have a chance to say congrats. And there’s door prizes!
But when I tried to explain this to a coworker from Oregon, she was shocked.
actually, it’s more like throwing a keg party. yes, you can make money off it, but that’s not really what it’s about :)
cash bar? that’s generally frowned on.
@iii – Hardly. I am from Texas, and my great-grandparents immigrated in from Ireland. It has nothing to do with being “Eastern upper crust” thank you. In fact, of all the weddings I’ve been to in Texas and Louisiana, not one had a cash bar. That’s not us being snotty East Coasts wasps, or what have you. You mind yourself at someone’s wedding, which means not getting shitfaced; you don’t invite any people like that to your wedding unless you’re willing to deal with it. It’s not about not doing “collaborative hospitality” it’s about being a responsible adult.
@ferretrick – When I worked at a convenience store during college I hated it when a woman would hand me money from her bra! I’ve never done that to another, I never will. (I attempted to try it once but took the money out before even leaving the house; it was somewhat uncomfortable and I tend to run warm at the best of times. The idea of handing someone cash from inside my bra that wasn’t perfectly dry was too horrifying.) I could look to my date to carry my money for me but I am a lesbian so my date’s usually wearing an equally pocket-free outfit. A purse tends to get in the way during dance time. I could leave it at the table but I made that mistake once when I was sixteen and never saw it again. Besides, why would I need to keep money on me at a wedding? So I’ll have something to contribute if the place is held up? I’ve never gone to a wedding where I didn’t have a hotel room close to the wedding location. I always go directly a wedding after getting prettied up, and after the wedding I go right back to my room to change out of the heels and dress. I keep a card with a small sum of money on it in my car, but that’s about it. Sorry, but no; money in bra is not an option.