The Vine: September 7, 2011
What’s your opinion of cash bars at weddings?
I attended a wedding recently where there was a charge attached to every beverage except tap water. This was met with a ton of grousing (I heard one seventy-something relative say to another that cash bars were “the height of tacky”). This is the first time I’ve ever been to a wedding with a cash bar — I’ve been to weddings with no hard liquor, but I’ve never had to pay for a drink at a wedding. I think cash bars are tacky, because to me, they violate the rules of hospitality. A couple wouldn’t have guests in their home and say, “Listen, if you want a glass of red, it’s $6”; they’d just serve them what they had on hand. If a couple can’t afford to have booze at their wedding, just don’t serve it — while I will always take advantage of an open bar, I’d be totally happy drinking Diet Coke at a wedding.
Since the wedding, the bride has heard that people have been talking about the cash bar (she probably heard it AT the wedding — if I overheard it, I’m sure she did too) and has been running around justifying their decision to have it, which to my mind is unnecessary — the wedding is over, go on and be married. (Her husband, who is my connection to the couple, is very eye-rolling about the whole thing, like “Yes, OK, that didn’t go over that well, can we move on?”)
In a straw poll of people in my circles (a rainbow coalition of late-20s/early-30s, white-collar urban Northeastern folks — and my 80-year-old grandmother, who was completely horrified), the response has more or less been “Cash bar? You had to pay for soda? Yikes.” But I did have one friend who didn’t think it was so bad. “It’s like a night out. You’d pay for a drink in a bar or a club.” A wedding, to my mind, isn’t like a bar — it’s a private party, and as such, it IS like a night out — but one that the hosts take on the costs for. Again, to use the dinner party example, I’m on the hook for my transportation to the party, but once I’m there, I wouldn’t expect to pay for anything.
So what do you think?
C
Dear C,
A cash bar at a wedding is not something I came across much, growing up; nor is it something I would do/have at my own wedding. A wedding isn’t identical to a private party, but I agree with you that it’s analogous; serving food and drink isn’t required — but if it is done, it’s done at the expense of the host, because the host is, you know, the host. And in the case of a wedding, the guests have usually gone to some expense already to attend — bought a dress/cleaned a suit, traveled, purchased a gift — and not offering at least wine and beer free of charge is chintzy, to my mind.
With that said, I come from northeast WASP country, and the cash bar is not part of the wedding culture. Also, I am a lazy skinflint who doesn’t want to have to dig into her clutch for cash at the reception. But for other people, it’s SOP and no big deal, and we could say that about any number of features or traditions of weddings — dollar dances, the hora, jumping over a broom, old ladies making off with the centerpieces at the end of the night, you name it. I mean, I can’t remember the last time I saw a bouquet toss at a wedding, but for some folks it’s still a meaningful custom.
So, a cash bar is not something I would do, but I also don’t think it’s as easy as “that’s tacky, period full stop.” You have to put it in context with the rest of the wedding, and the couple, and blah blah blah. If it’s a fairly informal or low-key outdoor thing, not very dressy, and it’s of a piece with the rest of the event feeling maybe more like a barbecue or pass-the-hat type of affair and nobody else is flinching at buying a beer? Then who cares. It’s one event. It’s maybe mildly annoying if you hadn’t expected it, but “tacky” is a little strong. If the reception is at a schmancy country club, though, and the invitation had a strongly-worded dress code, but then an inch of bourbon is nine bucks, I feel like maybe someone doesn’t get it somewhere.
And it’s not okay to charge for soft drinks, period, I’m sorry. “But that’s just how the venue runs the –” I don’t care. It’s soda and juice, and this is your family and friends. Work that shit out.
Short answer: cash bar for alcohol = not my choice, but it depends on the circumstances. Cash bar for everything = bullshit.
Tags: etiquette
Heh. Here in Ottawa, Canada, an open bar seems relatively unusual, though it is common to have “tickets”. Honestly, though, I wouldn’t even have a problem with cash for non-water, even though I don’t carry cash as a matter of principle.
Water is healthy and goes well with everything. Not sure I get why people would be “outraged” with no other options. Going back to the hosting analogy, I think it is rude to insist a host serve something in particular (food allergies aside!)
I mean, if the wedding meal didn’t include any carbs (let’s say couple are avid Atkins proponents), are guests entitled to whine about that? I think anything beyond a vow to do it differently at your own wedding is rude!
Now, I gotta admit that we had no alcohol at our wedding. My Dad was less than happy, but we don’t serve alcohol in our own home and don’t drink ourselves. If you can’t enjoy an event without a stimulant (alcohol or caffeine), I really think you should evaluate whether you have a problem.
I live in the UK where cash bars at weddings are usual. In fact I learnt the phrase “cash bar” on US sites, in the UK they’re called “bars”.
Here when they occur they’re in addition to wine and water served with the formal dinner, and tend to start after the meal and during the dancing.
I don’t see it as cheaping out to have one, in part because they’re the norm. But also because inviting guests to celebrate a wedding is not the same thing as inviting them to drink as much liquor as they can pack away. Booze gets expensive fast. And while I like a drink or six, I’m prepared to spend my own money on them.
The soda/juice thing is more interesting to me. Here you have to pay for those at the bar and they are not provided. That can suck for designated drivers. But I think in the UK there’s also not this soda culture that folks seem to have in the US. Fizzy drinks (as we call them) are for children’s parties, not a stock item that you’d expect to have to provide for adult guests. I do think it would be nice to provide juice though.
OP, count me in the camp of “doesn’t give a damn about cash bars.” Glad to hear everyone’s moved on, three months on…
Lordy, sometimes I don’t even know why anybody has public weddings, since they seem to be interpreted as an open invitation for your friends and loved ones to judge you harshly. So weird. I made my husband plan ours because I find the whole culture of spending and judging so tedious and stressful. I’m glad it’s over and done and I never have to do it again. I actually enjoy other people’s weddings much more now that I’m not covertly wondering how many of those hoops someone’s going to expect me to jump through some day.
Sorry, but no; money in bra is not an option.
Again, different strokes. I was told always to have a “budge” (at the bare minimum, change for the phone; preferably, cab fare), and as a kid, if I didn’t have pockets, that meant stashing it in my shoe. Now, it means the bra. My grandmother’s phrasing of the rationale behind it was hilariously vague and Edwardian, something like “in case you are confronted with dishonorable intentions” (never mind that, now, nobody uses pay phones, women don’t rely on men to pick them up at their homes anymore, etc.), but the idea that you just never know in this life, I can get behind that.
I’m a sweaty lady also and the new bills can get pointy, but this third-generation Girl Scout feels naked without a sawbuck and a Chapstick at LEAST on her person somewhere. Sometimes it’s awkward handing a bartender money from “the front porch,” but that’s why God invented hand sanitizer. There are ways around it (accessorizing with a belt that has a little pocket disguised as a flower or other piece of flair is a good solution), but sometimes you have to keep cash under the front porch. Heh.
@autiger23- I’m from Western Massachusetts, and my family is Catholic. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the only two open bar weddings I’ve been to were out of state, one was in Western Pennsylvania and the other was in Brooklyn (the Picnic House in Prospect Park, it was lovely.) I guess we just expect to always have pay for our alcohol where I’m from. It’s normal.
Also where I’m from, we still do Stag Night. My brother opted out and just went out for drinks with a couple friends, my dad, and other male relatives.
Speaking of the fact that no one uses payphones, where are you ladies carrying your cell phone, and keys for that matter? I always have to have a purse, even if it’s just a teeny clutch, for those two objects at least. Don’t tell me you front porches can handle those other objects as well! ;)
I come from a midwestern farming community. The general consensus when I was growing up was you better have a bar even if it is a cash bar. I now live in the ‘big city’ in that midwestern state and things are pretty much the same.
Most of the weddings I’ve been to here usually have an open bar for an hour or so (until dinner) and then keg beer is free and other drinks are cash.
I’ve NEVER heard of people having to pay for pop, etc though.
AJ, I was wondering the same thing. Tell me none of you folks have to carry even a car key around? All of this pearl-clutching about not wanting to carry Anything At All OMG So Inconvenient strikes me as odd.
Last weekend I was at a vow renewal ceremony and celebration, so ran into the same issue. Cocktail dress, no pockets. (and even if it had pockets I wouldn’t have wanted the bulge of the cell phone showing.) My little clutch contained the phone, ID, some cash, lipstick. And yeah, I left the bag at the table while dancing. Sure, there’s a small chance of theft, but I’m hanging out with people I know, so it seems less likely to happen there than elsewhere.
But then, I collect vintage handbags and these events are a chance to use ’em. To each his/her own.
Dang, this thread makes me wonder how much stuff people thought was horrible at my wedding. Sheesh. Glad I didn’t know some of these opinions then, honestly. I would have been so paralyzed with fear that I wouldn’t have been able to plan anything.
I think Jeanne is totally right.
Even though a wedding is a party hosted by the bride and groom, don’t you think it’s also, you know, still a little bit about them? What if the bride and/or groom actually CARES about flowers? What if they really, really, really enjoy DJs and don’t want to take the time to create a playlist? And what if alcohol just isn’t important to them? Why should a couple compromise and save money on things that they do care about just to give everyone free unlimited booze?
And I don’t want to hear “only invite as many people as you can afford to properly host” because who decides what properly hosting someone means? At my brother’s wedding, it was open bar, but it was also a huge dessert table and cupcake bar and chocolate fountain. So does that mean no one should have a wedding with guests unless they can afford to pay for all of that for each of them?
Sometimes, “so don’t have the dessert table and cupcake bar and chocolate fountain!” just isn’t a solution. I totally would have done a dry wedding to save money rather than a cash bar, but most of my friends and family would much rather pay for alcohol than not drink it at all. And those who wouldn’t? Don’t have to buy the alcohol! As far as they’re concerned, it’s just a dry wedding.
If we could have done open bar for a set dollar amount per person, we may have considered it. But it was pay-per-glass, and my husband has many friends and family members who really like to drink. We couldn’t risk having a $5-6k alcohol bill. And please don’t tell me we should have chosen a different venue because our venue had everything that was important to us at a reasonable price. We didn’t care about alcohol, so we didn’t pay for it, but if our guests really insisted on drinking, they could chose to do so.
We did provide a free champagne/mimosa fountain during cocktail hour, plus a champagne toast, and we paid for all soda/juice/tea/coffee. That would have been plenty for us, but just in case we had some guests who preferred something a little harder? They could go to the bar and buy it.
I had a cash bar at my wedding, but only after dinner, at which wine and champagne were provided and earlier arrival drinks of sparking wine and Pimms. My (UK) experience is that unless you are mega-rich, this is what you do – you provide a certain amount of drinks, but it’s not up to you beyond dinner.
I’ve never considered it tacky, but I’ve only ever been to 1 or 2 weddings in the UK where I didn’t have to pay for a drink at some point.
Re: Socials (Canada)
In my (New England) family, rather than (or in addition to) a traditional, ladies-only bridal shower, we often have a “Jack and Jill” party. Sounds very similar to this idea of a “social”. Hosted by the wedding party or family, there are games and prizes, food, drinks, and entertainment. Guests buy tickets to attend, with proceeds going to the couple to help start their life together, or toward wedding expenses, whatever, in lieu of traditional shower gifts. Tickets can be sold by friends and family to whoever wants to wish the couple well and go to a party, regardless of being on the wedding invitation list. Extended members of the bride’s and groom’s families have a chance to get to know each other before the wedding. Often, friends of family will buy tickets just to be generous and may not even attend the festivities.
I am not a big wedding person, but I find this tradition enjoyable and inclusive, with a good sense of community spirit.
@Sarah D. Bunting – The flower-pocket belt is actually genius. I might try that!
@Sam: You can also use those silk change purses with the chinois fabric. Just add a sheath loop to the back that the belt tongue can slide through, and you’re set.
I saw a girl at an art opening once with a tiny purse rigged up to the inside-the-wrist side of her cuff bracelet. If I could have figured out how it was attached, I’d have been an Etsillionaire years ago.
This is why it is good to come from a family of (presumed) tee-totalers. “Cash bar at a wedding” has never even entered the conversations. “He’s gone out to the truck for a minute” = “He’s gone to get something to spike his punch,” though — oh, yeah, that’s come up a lot. (In six different states, including one above the Mason-Dixon line and one out West.)
Seriously, though. I have been to a lot of weddings (and been *in* a few, too), ranging from full-on country club posh-a-rama to outdoor mountainside pavilion with beery potluck reception (that we thought was going to turn into a Jerry Springer “Rednecks Gone Wild” episode, but … beside the point), and not a one had a cash bar. It would have been like having one of the server ladies making change while another one handed you a slice of cake and a pile o’ mints and cashews. Just not *done*.
It’s not as much a Southern thing as a rural thing, I believe. If you are inviting people to celebrate with you, you don’t ask them to pay for the privilege of doing so. It’s not hospitable. The original questioner is correct; it’s tacky. And as a previous poster said, you provide what you can afford, even if it’s lemonade, and everybody has fun. If alcohol’s out of the budget for your wedding, no one’s going to complain; they’ll either slip in with their own (see “truck,” above) or go drink somewhere else after your reception is over.
After saying all that, I would like to add that those wedding guests who complained loudly enough at the reception for the bride (and others) to hear were also guilty of The Tacky. Call ’em whatever you want after the car doors are closed or after you get home (also tacky, but, *you know*), but for heaven’s sake, just an “oh my goodness … well, I don’t believe I’ll have anything but some lemon water, then” is sufficient on-site. Some folks just don’t need to be out in public. (Hee.)
‘It’s not as much a Southern thing as a rural thing, I believe.’
I disagree. We’re as rural as it gets and all of our friends and family do the same thing (cash bar for hard alcohol after the dinner wine, etc has been had). All the farm communities around us did the same. The only open bars I went to were the ones where the venue allowed you to bring in your own alcohol. And we were all extremely hospitable- it was so normal that no one ever thought it rude. That’s why I’m finding this interesting. I have yet to see a rhyme or reason to it. It doesn’t appear to be regional, cultural, etc.
“The first was put on by a wealthy family at a posh cuntry club”
First, let me say this was my favorite typo ever in the history of the world.
When my husband and I did the deed, we bought our own beer and wine, going to a beer/wine store and picking out what we wanted to serve, and then the provided staff at our AWESOME wedding venue served it. They were paid as part of the package we purchased, plus any tips. We could have had the venue provide a full bar if we wanted to pay for it, but it was pretty much a beer/wine crowd with a champagne toast.
But no way did we charge for soda/juice/water. That’s less a financial choice and more like a holdup.
And my sister gave me the same advice Susie did: Pick three things to focus on that you know you care about and leave the rest. For me it was my dress, the menu, and the wedding party outfits (we paid for the bridesmaid dresses because I didn’t want freinds to have to shell out for something they were only going to wear once.) I didn’t bother with any flowers–my mom handcrafted silk bouquets for me and my bridesmaids to carry. Basically, unless you are an ice carver or run a dovecote, nobody cares about a big fancy ice centerpiece or releasing a flock of scared, pissed off birds. There’s a hundred things to cut back on so you don’t end up charging for water.
It’s interesting to me that so many people think if you’re having to cut costs, it’s better to go dry than have a cash bar.
I was in a wedding last year that was dry, precisely for the reasons people here are citing. And… the reception was a dud. Lovely ceremony, nice decorations, great location, yadda yadda. But the reception, which is, I think, the part most people in their 20s/30s (like me) are looking forward to: stilted conversation with strangers, lots of watch checking (“How soon can we leave without being rude?”–not a quote from me or mine, ha), and the bride had to literally drag people onto the dance floor.
A lot of these issues would have been resolved, I think, with a little booze. AND I WOULD HAVE HAPPILY PAID FOR IT! All I was thinking was, “I wish there was even the OPTION for me to buy a Gin and Tonic.” I don’t really see how it’s “tacky” to provide an OPTION that no one is required to actually use. If you think it’s tacky–don’t pay for a drink. Pretend it’s a dry wedding and sip your water. But why begrudge those with less stringent wedding protocol standards to get their drink on?
(In defense of the bride–everyone had plenty of notice that there would be no alcohol, but I, personally, not having much adult experience at weddings, underestimated how integral it is to those kinds of events. Stuck at a table with the co grandmas… yeesh.)
It’s completely different here in the UK – I’ve never been to a wedding that didn’t have a cash bar. There’s usually free champagne or equivalent on arrival and then a few bottles of wine per table with the meal, but anything beyond that, you buy yourself. I can’t imagine not paying and I’d feel it was tacky the other way, like the hosts were showing off how much money they could throw at it. But then I’m British and we have a pathological fear of showing off and drawing attention to ourselves and we never, ever discuss money!
I don’t know whether it’s a regional thing – in my experience it’s more of an income-level thing. More money = more likelihood of an open bar. I’ve had two friends marry into a couple of the wealthiest families in our moderate-sized community and they both had full open bars. (And for one of them at least, I happen to know the tab for just that was more than the total cost of all three of my siblings’ weddings combined. Because my solidly middle-class, single-income family just doesn’t DO double-digit weddings.) When one of my sisters got married, it was important to her fiancee’s family to have a serious party, so they provided multiple kegs for the reception. My other sister married a lapsed Mormon whose family still practices, so they provided NO alcohol so my sister had to make that part of her limited budget. My brother got married at the courthouse and we went to Tony Roma’s for dinner, where we each paid for our own drinks, ha ha.
Another contributing factor around here at least (population ~250,000, no major event venues) is that most receptions are held in local hotels or country clubs, so there is access to a bar without it having to be hosted, and that seems to provide just enough degrees of separation that I’ve never heard anyone complain about not getting the booze free.
I wish I could go to the weddings Sars goes to – I’ve yet to attend one that DOESN’T have a bouquet toss. Which is fine, whatever, but at 42 and never married, I’m tired of people attempting to drag me (somtimes literally) out there to battle 4-year-old flower girls and junior high kids. And isn’t it weird and kind of creepy that since the superstition is that whoever catches it will be the next one married that so many little girls are encouraged to participate?
If you notify people beforehand that it’s cash bar, that takes out some of the sting, but you should never have a cash bar for regular beverages such as soda, coffee, tea. I lucked out that my (ex)husband’s family owned a beer and wine store so we made our own bar. But if we didn’t have that advantage, we would have at least had beer/wine and not cash bar. You don’t invite people to a party and then make them pay (but if you’re going to, at least make the regular stuff free and notify them beforehand of the cash bar).