Hi Sarah,

Two years ago, I wrote to you regarding my (now) ex-boyfriend and putting a baby up for adoption.Actually, yesterday was her second birthday.

Your advice to To Tell or Not To Tell was pretty much exactly what I would say.

Adoption law is very complicated and varies by state.I’m going to guess, from the way she doesn’t want too many people knowing, that she’s going to use a private adoption agency, rather than someone she knows adopting the baby.

If she hasn’t already picked out an agency, she should get started on that first before telling anyone anything.In my experience, the agency makes everything much clearer.The agency I chose was very quick to act and within forty-eight hours of my first phone call, I had a lawyer, social worker, and therapist, all at no cost to me.

I can’t say enough for the weight that was lifted once I had talked to all of them and knew exactly what was going on.They were willing to do everything my way, and when I didn’t know precisely what my way was, they helped me get the best information I could to figure that out.

You’re right, they will tell her what the potential outcome of telling him, not telling him and naming him in the courts, and not naming him at all are.They should also help her figure out how to tell him (or her parents or anyone else) if she chooses to.

Unless she lives hundreds of miles from everyone she knows, or can get away with physically disappearing for a few months, people are going to find out regardless.It was a lot easier to deal with people knowing what was going on once I myself was certain about what the plan was.

“I’m pregnant and putting the baby up for adoption.Please don’t mention that you saw me to anyone” leaves a lot more room for arguement and gossip than “I’m pregnant.I’m putting the baby up for adoption though X Agency.I’ve met its parents.They’re lovely people.What would be a life sentence for me is the most desired blessing in the world to them.I’m going to Y Hospital.The court date will be about two weeks after that. My mother knows, but my youngest sister does not and I’m sure you can understand why word shouldn’t get back to her…”

If To Tell or Not To Tell would like my email address, feel free to pass it along.

Thanks,
An Understanding Reader

Dear Understanding,

Thank you for your input.Often, I have to walk through these situations in my head because I have no experience with them, so advice from someone who does have that experience is invaluable.

Sarah,

Your response to Bats brought up something that irks
me…the idea that it’s embarrassing or shameful to be in therapy. There
seems to be a stereotype that the people in therapy are crazy or weird, and
should hide the fact that they are seeking help. It’s no different than
seeing a podiatrist or dermatologist, and can be far more beneficial, yet
folks seem to think if anyone knows they are seeing a psychologist or
counselor, it will akin to revealing that they torture small animals for
pleasure.

In addition, I would think that a psychology professor — above anyone
else — would not have any negative reaction to seeing a student in the
campus clinic because they are in the field. (Sadly though, I do know
people who are in Ph.D programs studying to be psychologists and/or
therapists, and even they feel that therapy is shameful and only “losers” or
“crazies” participate.)

It’s a sad misconception that I think should be combated with the message
that mental health is just as important as physical health, and there is
absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about if you are in therapy. I
actually think it takes a lot more courage to look inward and try to help
yourself or make positive changes than to ignore your issues or pretend
that they will just go away. Many “normal,” sane people see therapists to
help them through difficult situations and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Thanks.

Been in therapy and proud of it

Dear Proud,

You just answered your own question, really.People in therapy feel that others judge them because, well, others do judge them — others trained to help them, apparently, as well as civilians.It’s not right, I agree with you, but it does go on.If she’s ashamed, she’s ashamed, and she’ll get past that eventually, but it’ll take time.

We shouldn’t judge people for going into therapy, God knows; therapy saves lives.But we shouldn’t judge them for feeling ambivalent or embarrassed about it, either.

Hi Sars:

I just read your response to “Wondering,” and I thought in light of your reply that getting your objective opinion on my problem might be the best thing for me. Your thoughts would be appreciated, mostly because I don’t feel like any of my family or friends are in the position to give me the advice I need.

About three months ago, I started dating a guy, Kieth. He is a good friend of my brother’s, and we had been acquainted for several months until we decided to go on a date and try each other out, so to speak. Things went swimmingly, so now we’ve been seeing each other on a fairly regular basis. I’m pretty nuts about him, and I think the relationship has a lot of potential. The problem is his ex-girlfriend, Sarah.

Let me first say that I think Sarah is a lovely girl in many ways. I’ve spent time with her, and we’ve always had fun hanging out. We’re not close, but I would consider her a friend. I don’t think she’s a bad person, but what bothers me is that Kieth and Sarah spend a lot of time together. I mean a LOT — as in nearly every day for several hours. At first, when things were more casual and I wasn’t as into Kieth as I am now, it didn’t bother me. But, on the other hand, it took me a while to realize just how much time they spent together.

It’s not that I think Kieth shouldn’t have any female friends, or shouldn’t want to spend time with other people instead of me; I understand he has a right to that, and I wouldn’t want him to sacrifice his social life for me (that’d be creepy, actually). But it seems like I spend a lot of time trying to work myself into his schedule around Sarah. Want to meet for breakfast tomorrow morning? Nope, I’m already going with Sarah. How about a trip to the beach next Saturday? Sorry — Sarah and I already have plans to go out of town that weekend. And on several dates that Kieth and I have planned, Sarah has conveniently “shown up” unexpectedly, which means that I spend a lot of time watching them joke and tease each other and staring at my hands. I’ve even seen him grab her ass a couple of times, which I know isn’t necessarily sexual, but still skeeves me out.

I don’t think it would matter quite so much if we were just casual, but Kieth calls me his girlfriend and really seems to care about me when we’re together. But the “together” part only seems to happen once or twice a week, while this other chick still gets daily attention from him. But when Sarah comes up in conversation, he doesn’t seem to say very many positive things about her; he’s always commenting on how she doesn’t respect his interests or his feelings and how awful and destructive their relationship was. The one time I brought up my concerns about how much time they spent together resulted in Sarah finding out, throwing a fit, and threatening to never see Kieth again. They seem really sensitive and defensive about the subject; I know Sarah’s boyfriend, who she lives with and has been seeing for over a year, has brought it up and experienced a similar backlash. He’s learned to live with it, but I don’t know if I want to.

Sars, it’s not that I want Kieth to stop seeing Sarah. I know they’re friends, and I respect that. I guess I’m just afraid that the relationship is never going to progress if Kieth and I can’t get to a point where we spend more time together, and I’m sick of feeling like second fiddle. And sometimes, secretly, I worry that I’m just a pawn in Sarah and Kieth’s mutual mind-fuck. What if he’s just using me to make her jealous? I’ve tried really hard to be respectful and rational, and I remind myself that they’re just friends, I can’t compare my relationship with Kieth to Sarah’s relationship with him, et cetera. But something in my gut keeps telling me this isn’t right, and I don’t feel comfortable ignoring it anymore. Last Friday, I stayed home while my boyfriend spent the evening with his ex. How weird is that?

I guess I’m just wondering if my feelings that this situation isn’t right are valid, or if I’m just being paranoid. Should I talk to him about it, or just hope that things change as time goes by? And if I talk to him about it, how can I bring it up without seeming possessive or jealous? I want my relationship with Kieth to be special and important, and with Sarah always in the picture, I don’t feel like I’m either.

Thanks, Sars. I really respect your opinion, and your advice would mean a lot to me.

The Back-Up Girl

Dear Back,

Tell him how you feel.Say exactly what you said to me.”It’s not that I want you to stop seeing Sarah.I know you’re friends, and I respect that.I guess I’m just afraid that our relationship is never going to progress if you and I can’t spend more time together, and I’m sick of feeling like second fiddle.”

Don’t apologize for how you feel or qualify it in any way.Just leave it out there and wait for him to respond to it, and if said response is anything along the lines of “you don’t understand my relationship with Sarah,” agree that no, you don’t.You don’t understand why you, the current girlfriend, get less face time than the ex.You don’t understand why he doesn’t invite you along to breakfast, or on trips out of town, instead of shrugging that he’s going with Sarah; you don’t understand why he can’t tell Sarah that a date with you is exactly that, and to move along.You don’t understand his relationship with you, and you’d like him to explain it, because an outside observer would assume that he’s going out with Sarah and friends with you, not the other way around — and that won’t do.Period.

And it won’t.Sarah is well over the line, and Kieth just lets her stand there like it’s normal, which it isn’t.Either he sets up boundaries for her, or you dump him; otherwise you’ll just keep returning to these doubts, and you don’t need that static.

Dear Sars,

I want your opinion on whether I should ask my cousin if she’s a lesbian.

Here’s the backstory: She’s 35, never dated a guy to my knowledge, and for years has had a very close female friend with whom she now lives. When she told me about their living arrangements a year or so ago, she made a point of saying that her friend owns the house, and that she (my cousin — let’s call her “Liza”) lives in the basement.

Which she very well might. But I saw her last week at a wedding shower, and she’s wearing a very nice Celtic knot band on her left ring finger. I complimented her on it, and she looked a bit sheepish, although I might have read her wrong.

I’m not especially close with Liza, but we have fun when we do see each other. The reason I want to reach out to her is because most of the people on that side of my family are quite closed-minded. We’re Catholic, and most of them don’t go to church but they’ve got the judging part down pat. In fact, when another (male) cousin came out a few years ago, most of my family members talked about him not so nicely behind his back. (By the way, that cousin — call him Rick — also thinks Liza’s gay.) I’ve never seen him with a date at any family function, although he did say his wedding invites are addressed to him “and guest,” so I guess people are trying to do the right thing.

I don’t even know if Liza can talk to her immediate family. Her brother “Doug” is probably the cousin I’m closest with, even though he and I are very different. He’s a very conservative, very devout Catholic who believes the whole “love the sinner, not the sin” mumbo-jumbo. He’s fairly open-minded, though, and we often talk through about our differences of opinion quite non-heatedly. When Rick came out, Doug told me his take on homosexuality. Then I told him my personal belief, which is that it is perfectly natural and just a part of the wonderful human diversity — just as some of us have blue eyes and some brown, some of us are straight and some gay (actually, I believe sexuality is a little less dichotomous than that, but that’s a whole different topic). Doug said something like, “That’s interesting. I never thought about it that way before.” Now, I don’t think I changed his deeply held beliefs, but I’m hoping it gave him pause about his own perspective. In light of all that, I often wonder if he knows or suspects something about Liza, if he’s in deep denial, or what. But my fear is that she’s unable to tell anyone because she’s heard their spiel and knows how they feel about it.

On the other hand, sometimes I think Liza’s parents might even know, and make her tell that stupid story about living in her friend’s basement as a cover-up. In any case, I’d like her to know that there are a few of us in the family who don’t think there’s anything wrong with being gay. My husband thinks I should just invite her over for an evening and make it clear that her friend is also invited, sort of as if I just assumed they’re a couple. But I tend to favor directness. It’s just difficult to know how to broach it without sounding accusatory or putting her on the defensive. And it’s technically none of my business. But I just want her to know where I stand.

Any suggestions?

Caring Cousin

Dear Cousin,

It isn’t about “where you stand.”It’s about where Liza stands and where she feels comfortable standing, and I know you mean well, but if the two of you don’t have a close enough relationship that you even know whether she’s gay in the first place…it’s a bit presumptuous for you to assume that she needs your help managing that.She’s an adult.If she is in fact gay, let her handle it how she sees fit.

Again, it’s good of you to want to support her in what you see as a tough situation, but it’s entirely possible that she’s got said situation under control — and that she already knows you wouldn’t judge her.I mean, if you want to hang out with her and invite her friend along, great, but do it to hang out with her, not to make a point to her about your open-mindedness.

Dear Sars,

I am a devoted follower of The Vine and enjoy all of your essays.In general your no-nonsense approach to life has helped me achieve a new level of clarity in my own daily problems, but this one I just can’t sort out.My friend Tara is the common-law wife of my co-worker and friend Ben.They have two beautiful children together, and I consider myself lucky to know both of them.Tara and I have known each other for years; we are excellent friends and former roommates.Ben and I have been co-workers for the past two years, and I have enjoyed the opportunity to know him better and to call him my friend as well.

Recently, Ben and I were sent out of town to open a new branch office for work.We spent five weeks training the new employees, and became friends with several of them.Upon returning, I discovered through reliable mutual friends and co-workers that Ben cheated on Tara with one of the trainees, Tracy.I also became friends with her but have no actual knowledge of their relationship, in that I know something was up between them, but I don’t know, as I never witnessed anything specific and neither of them confided in me.

I don’t know if I should tell Tara any of this.On the one hand, I have been friends longer and closer with her than with Ben.On the other, Ben and I were on the road, and “the code of the road” is that you do not tell any of the crazy antics that you and others did while on the road.Then there is the fact that I have to work with Ben; will telling ruin my work relationship with him?Will telling ruin my friendship with Tara; what if she decides not to believe me and hates me for being the bearer of bad news?What if I don’t tell Tara and she finds out I knew, and then hates me?

Beyond a vague “funny vibe” when I saw Ben and Tracy together, and a few events that didn’t add up, I have no actual knowledge of their affair.My instinct is to stay out of things and let Tara and Ben work out their own differences, but now Ben is asking me to take him with me when I drive up to the new branch next week so he “can see everyone again,” and Tracy is supposed to be spending the weekend with me sometime this month for a weekend of fun, and it is starting to feel like I can’t stay out of this.I am inextricably in the middle and don’t know what to do.Obviously, if Ben and Tracy are having an affair, I am not going to help him cheat on Tara, but it feels awkward telling him he can’t ride with me or telling Tracy that she can’t stay with me during her visit.Tracy is a nice girl, and I can be friends with her, but I can’t be a part of anything that hurts Tara.Ideally, I want to find a way to be friends with both of them (Ben and Tara) and not hurt anyone, but I am afraid that is not possible.

Sars, should I tell Tara what I know?Should I talk to Ben about this, then decide whether or not to tell Tara?Or should I just plead ignorance and stay out of it?What is the extent of my friendly duty to either of them?Also, what to do about the visits to the branch office and for the weekend?Ack!

Thanks for your help,
Wishing for the Bliss of Ignorance

Dear Bliss,

Stay out of it.What would you tell Tara, exactly?You don’t know what happened in the first place, if anything, and even if you did know, it’s not your responsibility to keep Ben in line.It’s Ben’s responsibility.

If you feel strongly that something did go on between Ben and Tracy, you should probably suggest that Tracy find another place to stay when she comes to visit; you don’t have to say why.Just minimize your exposure to the situation.I know Tara’s a good friend and you don’t want to see her get hurt, but again, that’s Ben’s lookout.Don’t get involved.

Dear Sars,

I hope you can help me out with some advice. I’ll try to keep it brief, but I want to make sure you have all the information you need to understand the situation.

My younger brother is getting married at the end of next month. He’s 20, and I’m 26. I’ve been married for almost three years, and my husband and I have an eight-and-a-half-month-old daughter who will be ten months old at the time of the wedding. My brother and I have no other siblings, so this is his only niece. My brother’s fiancée is 21, and her older brother (who is 31) has three children, two girls and a boy, ranging in age from eight to thirteen. From what I’ve heard from her, she is very close to her nieces and nephew.

I feel very strongly about attending my brother’s wedding. I do not feel it is right to not go. My brother did not attend my wedding; he felt that his job at a dry cleaner’s was more important and did not even ask if he could get time off. We have had some tough times, and we are basically all we have in terms of our immediate family. Our mom died when I was fourteen and he was almost eight. Our dad remarried less than two years later, his wife later forced both of us out of the house, and now he (Dad) doesn’t have any contact with either of us, although we both try to maintain some form of contact with him (Christmas cards, et cetera). To me, family is family, and you don’t skip out on a sibling’s wedding.

Admittedly, my brother and I are not terribly close. Because of the age difference, there was always a fair amount of sibling rivalry. This was compounded by the fact that Dad wanted a son, and once he had one, he had no use for me. Once I left home, I tried to keep in touch, but my letters never reached him and all phone calls were screened. I didn’t even find out that my brother had been sent away until at least a year after it had happened, and even then, I found out from a neighbor. Since then, we have been in touch on a somewhat regular basis.

There is some tension between us now because he has become ultra-conservative. We were brought up in a conservative and religious (Protestant) environment, but my brother has moved to the extreme right while I have become more moderate (and Catholic). He and his fiancée attend a Christian “college” (the school is not accredited, hence the quotation marks) that has very strict rules. For example, single students are required to live in the dormitory or with their parents, and if students date, it must be a double date. So if they’ve followed the rules, my brother is engaged to someone with whom he’s never had a solo date. My husband and I were expecting this to be a very conservative wedding, with a punch-and-cake-type reception in the church basement. Certainly their school, which seems to have a hand in anything its students do anywhere, would not allow them to have a reception involving anything resembling liquor or dancing. And knowing my brother, he personally wouldn’t approve of either one anyhow. We know that sometimes people do not invite children to weddings. We didn’t, but we were the first among our friends to get married. So there were no children to consider. In any case, we certainly did not think that this wedding would exclude children.

We received our invitation to the wedding today. The outer envelope is addressed to “Mr. & Mrs.” The inner envelope lists all three of our names, thus signifying that all three of us are invited. However, upon closer inspection, we find the reception card, which specifies that the reception is for adults only. I should point out that we live on the East Coast and will be traveling to Michigan (nine-plus hours) for this wedding. My husband has graciously offered to stay at the hotel with our daughter so that I can attend the reception because he knows how much it means to me to be there, but I’m not exactly crazy about going without my husband either. And no, I’m not going to leave my daughter with a babysitter I’ve never met, so asking for a recommendation is not an option. My grandparents have offered to watch her during the reception, but they’re 80 years old and would be taking a bus from Florida if they attend the wedding (they’re still not sure). As much as I think it would be ridiculous for my husband and daughter and I to travel nine hours and skip the reception, I think it would be even more ridiculous for my grandparents to do so. Also, they haven’t seen her yet, and I don’t know how she’d feel about being left with them the first time they meet.

Based on what I know of my brother’s fiancée, I am 99.9 percent sure that her nieces and nephew will be at this adult reception, particularly since they are most likely in the wedding party. I do not think it is in any way, shape, or form fair for my daughter to be excluded from the reception if the other nieces and nephew are included. What I would like to find out is whether or not the other nieces and nephew will be attending. If they are not, I will not feel so slighted about my daughter (and consequently, my husband) being excluded.

So here’s where I need advice. How do I go about inquiring as to whether or not the other nieces and nephew are exempt from the “adults only” rule? I will be posing the question to my brother’s fiancée directly. My brother does not have the ability to check his email regularly, but she has access both at home and at work. Do I ask point-blank if her nieces and nephew will be there? Do I pretend to believe that they won’t and then ask how they feel about being excluded? Do I pretend to be looking for a babysitter and ask who will be watching the nieces and nephew? (I would prefer to steer clear of that last option for fear of implying that I am okay with using a babysitter. Also, the oldest niece is old enough to watch her siblings, so the question is pointless.) Is there any other way to find out this information? Or should I not do anything and just go with the flow and RSVP for myself only? I just fear that perhaps they do not intend to exclude my daughter and husband, but that they will not say anything until it’s too late to change things.

Please help.

Sister of the groom

Dear Sister,

Don’t make things so complicated.I didn’t need all that background about your childhood and your brother’s Christian college and nieces and nephews and blah bling blah — your problem is very simple, and so is the solution.The invitation is unclear as to who is actually invited to the reception.Email your future sister-in-law and ask whether you should follow the addressing of the invitation (all three of you) or the reception card (adults only).Get an answer and get on with it.

And if the answer is “adults only, no exceptions,” again…don’t complicate your life with a bunch of passive-aggressive “pretending” crap.Ask your future SIL if maybe her niece could watch the baby for a couple of hours, as well as her own siblings; if she can, then you should reconsider your “no strangers babysitting” stance.If the niece can’t babysit because she’s going to the reception, well, then it’s not exactly “adults only,” and you can nicely point that out — you’ve got the baby, you’ll need to bring her or your husband will have to stay behind, could the bride maybe bend the rule for you since it’s the groom’s family, whatever.

Whatever you decide — decide already.Pick a child-care option and move on.

[9/9/03]

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