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Home » Culture and Criticism

Bradelor! DUN!: Everyone Else Is Dead

Submitted by on February 22, 2011 – 4:18 PM6 Comments

I spent the bulk of the episode buoyed by one fact and one fact alone — the next episode is the last! YAAAAAY! — and then I realized OH NO we haven't had key-party awkward fun times yet. Or the "women tell all" episode. Or the Chris Harrison episode of Cribs. Or any of the other sixteen hours of programming between us and the end of this mishegas.

You remember Miss Alli: she's Linda Holmes, and she's the rodeo clown at NPR's Monkey See. You know me: I've actually been to Madawaska. Together, we're Bradelor! DUN!, and we don't feel comfortable kissing you when a kid's asleep upstairs.

Sars: This Ricky scene is pizz-aaaaaaaainful.

Miss Alli: He is a STIFF.

Sars: Look, I'm not good with kids either. I'm not going to tell anyone otherwise. But if you aren't natural with kids, just leave them be, that much I can tell you.

Alli: Kids who don't want to jump up on you right away are not asking you to pursue them more forcefully. They are not. Also: you don't have a right to their affection, any more than to anyone else's.

Sars: Although, not for nothing, but when an adult is talking to you, answer him.

Alli: Oh, sure.

Sars: I get that she's shy, but if it's to the degree that she doesn't talk to other adults, Emily might mention that. And if it's not to that degree…Like, making her feel comfortable is important, but letting her be rude doesn't really help anything.

Alli: Well, it's hard to say. There are also a billion unfamiliar adults with cameras and lights and blah dee blah. Hard to know what she was actually reacting to.

Sars: Yeah, that's kind of where I think the whole situation is gross. I wouldn't introduce her to Brad until I had a ring.

Alli: Well, right. That's how you'd do it, but you would basically never involve a child in this nuttery anyway.

Sars: Or an adult. Or my parents. Just you, my friend. Juuuuuust you.

Alli: If you ever go on The Bachelor, I agree to pretend I'm your sister so you don't have to involve your real family. You can tell them everyone else is dead.

Sars: Everyone else WILL be dead. Of shame.

Alli: So true.

Sars: Have you watched the whole thing?

Alli: Sadly, yes.

Sars: Obvs I'm only up to the Emily portion, but can we talk about his double-talk re: Ashley? "I don't want to hold her back." Ohhhh, is THAT what you don't want.

Alli: Well, my feelings about that started with his discussion with Chantal, where he was like, "Wow, I could live here. Not that I would consider that, of course." And she fell all over herself assuring him that his expectation that he would set the rules for where they would live was PERFECTLY FINESIES.

Sars: Ooh, totally. "We'll be visiting here a lot." In the what now? And the Shawntel portion, that was even worse.

Alli: Exactly.

Sars: She's inheriting a business. You can't discuss it? I could have done without the guilt trip from Pops, however. …Brad: You can have sex with children in the house. Doors have locks. If you're not sure what the protocol is, ASK.

Alli: That was the WEIRDEST DAMN THING. When he wouldn't kiss her? So freaky.

Sars: And Emily's like, you know Ricky lives here, right? And eventually we're going to have to Do It with her in the house? But she was, like, too Southern to just say so. And then he wasn't going to kiss her at the door, either, until she basically made him. I feel kind of bad busting on him for not knowing what to do, because I know it's a tricky situation, but come on, buddy.

Alli: Well, you know what it says to me? You ain't ready to date a woman with a kid.

Sars: I…really can't believe he negged Shawntel. If he really thinks that they would spend all their time together at home talking about her job, he is a fucking moron who deserves whatever Crazytown shit he gets with Chantal.

Alli: I said this on Twitter last night, but what's crazy about that is that her job makes her one of the most accomplished, cool people they've ever had on this stupid show. You have to be both scientifically knowledgeable and a good person to be good at working in a funeral home. Yes, yes, spooooky — she's ACCOMPLISHED. She has a DAMN JOB.

Sars: And it's a portable job! And you know, it's not like his job is that interesting. It's just a job! She's not down there playing poker with the bodies.

Alli: You know what? I think he realized that while she's sweet, she's not a pushover. And he wants a pushover who is aggressively pushing her pushover-ness as a personality plus, which Shawntel is not.

Sars: Oh, sure. He couldn't say enough times how nice it was to see Ashley and Chantal "in their elements" — i.e., not having the gall to get upset or have any non-sunny moments where they question him. So, who do you think it is at the end?

Alli: I definitely think it's Not Ashley. So since he seems to think Emily's kid is a deal-breaker (but wants to sleep with Emily before booting her), and because Chantal's dad pushed all his daddy-issue buttons in what he thinks is a good way, I'm thinking Chantal.

Sars: Yeah, I'd have to agree. Because Chantal is volatile, but she will go way further to be what he wants than the other two will, I think.

Alli: She's falling all over herself to do whatever he wants. That, to him, is a major point of importance.

Sars: And her career, if I recall correctly, wasn't even mentioned.

Alli: Does she have one? Does she care about it?

Sars: He's probably it, at this point.

Alli: Maybe she thinks she's going to get to host Bachelor Pad or go on Dancing With The Stars.

Sars: What she's going to get is fat. Because when she realizes they have nothing in common but this experience, yikes. Like, POWs don't marry each other either, I'm sorry.

Alli: I just found that the more he acted entitled, the more I hated him.

Sars: At least last time he pretended to consider moving for them. And he would have to move for Emily, probably. Which he should; that house was sweet.

Alli: RIGHT? Yeesh. I hate myself for thinking "Insurance settlement?" but I did.

Sars: Oh, so did I. Or "cheap NC real estate."

Alli: Fortunately, the kid is having her income supplemented with a kite.

Sars: Yeah, it's too bad, because I like Emily, but she can do better anyway.

Alli: She can. You could tell that on the no-kiss thing, she'd started to be like, "You know, this guy may be a doof."

Sars: Totally. Again, too Southern to let it rip, really, but I could sense some annoyance. Not as great as my own that we've still got like fifty episodes of this nonsense left, but still.

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6 Comments »

  • Sasha says:

    That house is courtesy of Ricki's grandpa, who's a billionaire.

  • margaret says:

    Not to reveal the amount of information I've retained while watching this terrible show, but I am pretty sure that Chantal's official job title is "executive assistant" and that she works as the secretary at her dad's car dealership. Which I imagine being about as serious a job as it was when Tyra's mom had it at Billy Garritty's car dealership on Friday Night Lights, only hopefully without the elicit sex because that would be incest and SUPER GROSS.

    And now I just want to go back and watch Season 1 of Friday Night Lights again. Siiiigh.

  • suemorg says:

    You're right about the executive assistant at Dad's car dealership. That's what I remember too. I noticed she was careful to omit her ex husband's name when she was talking to her mom. She called him the person I was married to before or some such thing.

  • LA says:

    So…I'm not proud of this, but I read the post-boot interview with Michelle on people.com and she named Emily as the winner which, to me, supports your Chantal theory because there is NO WAY the producers of this show would've allowed her to name Emily if Emily were the actual winner.

  • Marybelle says:

    I agree that Emily is too good for him. I hope she says No to the fantasy dates and then eliminates herself after getting to ride an elephant in SA. Brad wants some boring, vain trophy wife with no life other than catering to him and I don't think he is going to find that with any of the remaining women EXCEPT Chantal (which is obvs her mom's schtick too).

    That is pretty much why he cut Michelle – too opinionated (and a little nutty) and why he cut Shawntel – too independent. And Ashley will go simply for striving towards a career, and Emily I think probably at this point realizes she doesn't even know if she wants to be here.

    And what is up with these girls professing their love this loser after 5 minutes – CHANTAL and SHAWNTEL. At least Ashley and Emily haven't done anything that weird YET!

  • Druck says:

    Shawntel was my bet to "win" this thing until he put his dumb ass on that table in the morturary. I knew it was dead girl walking after that. It's hard to come back from that especially if your as superficial as Brad is. I think part of it was that Brad could sense that Shawntel is "supposed" to take over the family business, and part of it is the overall creepiness of his perspective of her career. And to be 25 and in charge of all that is pretty damn impressive.

    I think Ricki's reluctance to be on camera had more to do with the camera crew, than Brad. Kids don't get the whole "act natural" on camera thing. They want to stare at the camera, or the fuzzy mike thing. And Brad's vacant aloofness might pass for sexy to some desperate reality show contestants, but to a kid it's all just grimaces, doofy stammering, and crazy "help me I don't know how to act around your kid.." eyes.

    His reluctance to kiss Emily while Ricki was sleeping upstairs will be his undoing when it comes to Emily. When it's all pina collatas and sun and near nakedness he's all over her. When the reality of the fact that she's a mom (albeit a hot one..),with a house full of little girl toys and shit, hits him the sexytime thoughts go right out the window. I hope at least that she eschews the overnight date sex room because she knows Brad's not going to pick her because of his kid/bad father issues.

    I know ABC wanted to focus on the Brad/Ricki interactions but it was telling a bit that there were no other family members present. Does Emily not have parents or friends she hangs with? Or did they find the whole "intruducing THIS GUY,REALLY? to your kid" aspect of the home town date distateful?

    Chantal- Any time a girl says that you remind them of their father? That's the place where boners go to die.. Just saying.

    Ashley- There's no way he's picking her, based solely on the fact that he may have been contractually obligated to visit Mooseknuckle Maine the one time, there's no friggin' way he's gonna be visiting there on a regular basis.

    So I had the right name picked for the "winner", just not the right spelling. Hope you enjoy your 6 month relationship Chantal!

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