N Candy AA II: Round of 32, Flight 2
by Sarah D. Bunting
1 Skittles vs. 9 Sour Patch Kids. I have nothing to do with the newfangled tropical Skittles, but the original Skittle is a fine thing. It's the rare candy whose lime iteration isn't disgusting. Kids have their passionate followers, and I do enjoy the occasional stroll through the Sour Patch, but I'd pick Skittles over SPKs every time, and I think you-all will as well.
1 Skittles vs. 9 Sour Patch Kids
- Skittles (71%, 620 Votes)
- Sour Patch Kids (29%, 254 Votes)
Total Voters: 873
12 Jujubes vs. 4 Life Savers. You can insert your own "bad Juju" jokes here; I consider Jujubes a plasticky excuse for a candy. Butter-rum Life Savers, meanwhile, are a tiny, round piece of evidence that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Besides, Jujubes only made it out of the Round of 64 because its opponent there is widely reviled. Life Savers, no problem.
12 Jujubes vs. 4 Life Savers
- Life Savers (90%, 779 Votes)
- Jujubes (10%, 91 Votes)
Total Voters: 870
6 Gummi/Haribo-verse vs. 3 Reese's Pieces. Other kids' addiction-level love of Gummi Bears is one of those things, like thinking Kirk Cameron was cute, that I just never got back in the day. I understood that it was a default sort of opinion, but I didn't share it. Gummi bears taste faintly sour to me, and the clear ones in particular have a vurpy flavor whose appeal is a mystery. That appeal is also undeniable, and you've got a lot of people who love those peaches and cola-flavored worms and whatnot. I'm not going to say RPs won't have a fight on their hands, but peanut-butter-based candy is tough to beat, and won't be beaten here.
6 Gummi/Haribo-verse vs. 3 Reese's Pieces
- Reese's Pieces (59%, 519 Votes)
- Gummi/Haribo (41%, 357 Votes)
Total Voters: 876
10 Jolly Ranchers vs. 2 Red Vines. The Jolly Rancher is another candy other kids in my class loved and would get into physical altercations over; I thought they were just okay. They've got my vote here for sure, though, and the following story should explain why. During a TWoP staff meeting in Vegas years ago, sitting at the front of the room while Wing is speaking, I'm feeling snacky and Djb has just busted out some Red Vines, so I accepted a Vine from his package. ["Hew." — Keckler] I've never tried one, and I love that Aimee Mann song about them, so I figure, what the hell. It's just red licorice, right?
Four chews into the thing, I realize that I have made a hew-rrendous mistake and now have only two choices. I can hock the thing into a napkin in front of the entire staff, grossing them out with my bloody Red-Vine drool…or I can force myself to swallow it, then barf on the entire staff, grossing them out with well duh. Complicating matters is the utter dearth of napkins anywhere nearby, so I wind up sploofing a mouthful of masticated Red Vine into an empty cigarette pack. ["Wow. I have absolutely no recollection of that happening. I was probably drunk." — Keckler]
And that description is about one fifteenth as revolting as Red Vines themselves. "Acquired taste," my Aunt Fanny — how does one "acquire" a taste for a bowl of dicks coated in spray adhesive and dragged across the floor of a garage? Get thee behind us, Red Vines. Just-Okay Ranchers for the win.
10 Jolly Ranchers vs. 2 Red Vines
- Jolly Ranchers (74%, 635 Votes)
- Red Vines (26%, 219 Votes)
Total Voters: 854
1 Twizzlers/Nibs vs. 8 PayDay. PayDay benefited from facing the inessential Dot in the last round, but up against an opponent that isn't a colored rock, it's facing almost certain defeat. The Nib is mighty. ["Embarrassing confession time: I had a huge crush on this guy named Yuri in high school, so I really grooved on the fact that Twizzlers are made by Y&S candies because CLEARLY that meant we were 2B 2-gether 4-evah. Also, Yuri's best friend's name was Nate, which spawned endless 'YuriNate' hilarity and which, for the record, I still think is funny." — Keckler]
1 Twizzlers/Nibs vs. 8 PayDay
- Twizzlers/Nibs (58%, 480 Votes)
- PayDay (42%, 354 Votes)
Total Voters: 834
5 Kraft caramels vs. 4 Swedish Fish. I dread voting in this match-up; I love them both, for very different reasons. But I love Kraft caramels more, so I'll probably vote for them — and while I think they'll win, a Scandinavian victory wouldn't surprise me. ["D'oh! I can't believe I forgot to get Kraft caramels for Halloween this year! I love those little squashy cubes of buttery perfection." — Keckler]
5 Kraft caramels vs. 4 Swedish Fish
- Kraft caramels (61%, 525 Votes)
- Swedish Fish (39%, 330 Votes)
Total Voters: 855
6 Jelly Bellies vs. 3 candy corn. Tough call. I mean, not for me personally — I'll back the corn — but, while I think many people love candy corn as intensely as I do, I also think many people hate it (and when it comes to the chocolate "Indian corn," I feel that). I don't know that anyone "hates" Jelly Bellies that way, and sometimes that's what it comes down to. Could go either way. ["Did anyone else turn the corns upside-down and jam one each incisor to make vampire fangs? Just me then? Okay." — Keckler]
6 Jelly Bellies vs. 3 candy corn
- Jelly Bellies (66%, 565 Votes)
- candy corn (34%, 293 Votes)
Total Voters: 858
7 fruit slices vs. 2 Starburst. AUGH! I have to side with slices, they're my favorite! But that means I can't vote for Starburst, which I also cherish, especially the strawberry ones! They fit so perfectly onto the roof of the mouth! They retain their chewiness for weeks! They're the only cherry candy I actively like, versus tolerating at best!
…I should cut the dramatics; I love fruit slices, but I doubt they survive this round, so I can just vote for Starburst next time.
7 fruit slices vs. 2 Starburst
- Starburst (68%, 590 Votes)
- fruit slices (32%, 274 Votes)
Total Voters: 864
Tags: Aimee Mann barfing Djb food Keckler Kirk Cameron N Candy AA TAKING IT PERSONALLY TWoP Wing Chun