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Home » Culture and Criticism

N Candy AA: Round of 64, Flight 3

Submitted by on March 24, 2010 – 9:15 PM81 Comments

Today’s write-ups by Keckler.Confused? Click here.

n-candy-aa1 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup vs. 16 Zero. I’m sorry, but there is something really WRONG about a white candy bar. It’s unnatural and weird and looks like Bunnicula got to it before I did. I could go on a whole white-chocolate rant, but I’m just going to give you the condensed-milk version: white chocolate is not real chocolate, and far as I’m concerned, Zero Bar is nothing more than an anemic Milky Way with the barest shards of nuts thrown in. (So wrong!) Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are simple, satisfying, perfect. The salty with the sweet satisfies all cravings.

WHITE IS WRONG. I’m just saying: Alpine White. Never forget.

(A question about that video: did Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson spoof the Alpine White ending when they made that creeptastic video about how normal and not-at-all-weird their marriage was? Because Alpine White was probably MJ’s preferred foundation tint.)

8 Mr. Goodbar vs. 9 Junior Mints. I might be one of Mr. Goodbar’s only fans. [“I am the other.” — Bunting] I’ll admit, as candy bars go, it’s fairly boring. Composed of only two things, peanuts and chocolate, it’s not sexy with nougat or crazy with caramel. It’s just good ol’ peanuts and chocolate. It’s a bar version of my cherished peanut M&Ms. Dull as it may be, I do love Mr. G. On the other hand, Junior Mints have the Seinfeld bump going for them, and they are my preferred movie candy. I especially love when I think the box is empty, but at least two more Junior Mints rattle down when I give it a shake. I’m calling this one for Junior Mints, and I don’t think it will be as close as the ranking suggests.

5 See’s/Whitman’s Sampler vs. 12 Oh Henry!. I’ll admit that I don’t see any real difference in taste or texture between Oh Henry! and Snickers, but that doesn’t make Oh Henry! a bad candy, per se, just unoriginal. Oh Henry!’s biggest stumbling block is that it doesn’t have a Snickers-sized media machine behind it, so it’s not really in the public eye. It has fans, but I’m not sure if there’s enough of them to beat the wide and varied selection of candies you get in a sampler box. Sure, you hate certain candies in a sampler (anything besmirched with “fruit” goes right in the trash. If I want fruit, I’ll eat fruit. I don’t want it messing up my chocolate), but you know you adore others (two words: Rum. Balls).

Plus, there’s that whole element of mystery and anticipation surrounding a sampler box. You ignore the map provided just so you can bite into each chocolate to find out which are good and which are gross. [“Not until I’ve identified and chucked the chocolate-covered cherry.” — Bunting] My grandmother was sneakier. Using her long fingernails, she’d stab holes in the bottom of each chocolate to check their innards. Then, she’d eat what she wanted and leave the other perforated candies oozing in their pleated paper cups for someone else to find. The samplers aren’t great, but people love them, so I’m afraid Oh Henry! won’t progress any further.

4 Kinder vs. 13 Hershey’s Symphony. I can’t think of any bar more boring than either Symphony bar. I think Symphony was Hershey’s attempt to class themselves up all Dove-style, but I don’t get it. Kinder eggs are crazy-fun. It’s forgettable chocolate, but, dude, THERE ARE TOYS INSIDE! Even as an adult, I can’t resist that kind of candy. Kinder’s a shoe-in.

6 York Peppermint Patties vs. 11 Nutrageous. I went through a short-lived Nutrageous phase when I was working as a half-starved Houghton-Mifflin editorial assistant in Boston, but now I find them too much of a good thing. Way too rich, way too peanut-buttery. They’re Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on steroids, the Barry Bonds of the candy world, all juiced up with unnecessary bumps and fillings. Also, I do love me some York Peppermint Patties, and the fact that they are a “fat free” just helps me argue my way into eating an entire bag, leaving none for the trick-or-treaters. Peppermint Patties are the cool and clear winner here.

3 Peanut M&Ms vs. 14 Nut Goodies. As a native Minnesotan, I’m probably supposed to adore Nut Goodies and link them to some idyllic frozen lake memory, but I don’t. As soon as I discovered they had maple in them, I never let them get anywhere near me. Nut Goodies had a recent resurgence when new owners took over Pearson’s Candy Company. Even though new owners grubbed up the old, beloved recipe and wrapped them in their original wrappers, I don’t think Nut Goodies are mainstream enough to beat classic Peanut M&Ms.

7 Whatchamacallit vs. 10 Take 5. I looked high and low for a Take 5 to sample, but came up dry. I know the basic composition: chocolate, peanuts, caramel, pretzels, and peanut butter. I know that some might find the pretzel inclusion to be genius in the same way they find the pretzels in Chubby Hubby genius, but no. Whatchamacallit is my favorite candy bar. It has THE BEST name and filled with caramel, crisp bits, and peanut butter that isn’t too dry nor too much of a good thing. (I’m looking at you, Nutrageous.) Take 5 has a stupid, boring name and a stupid, boring wrapper. Whatchamacallit will win this but probably not go much further. (Sniff.)

2 Snickers vs. 15 Sky Bar. I don’t think there’s even a doubt who will take this. Even if I didn’t find the Sky Bar’s chocolate alone to be so completely repulsive, to say nothing of the grotesque fillings, I’d still put my money on Snickers. In fact, I’m betting on Snickers to win the whole damn thing.

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81 Comments »

  • Sharon says:

    MMM, Take 5! How much pot was smoked in the candy lab to come up with that one?! Tough bracket though!

  • bluechaos says:

    Hi, my name is bluechaos, and I’m a peanut butter addict. I have a peanut butter sandwich for lunch every weekday and sometimes on weekends, too. And Reese’s peanut butter (in the candy, not from the jar because if it’s coming from a jar, I’m a JIF girl all the way), oh Reese’s, how I love you so. Especially the holiday shapes because they’re thicker and have more of that delicious Reese’s peanut butter heaven (I’m talking Trees and Eggs here, the Pumpkins are the same thickness as a regular PB cup– lame). Granted Zitner’s Peanut Butter Eggs have higher quality chocolate, and are insanely good in their own right, but there’s something about that Reese’s Peanut Butter. And Nutrageous! They’re hard to find, which just makes me appreciate their chocolatey/caramelly/peanutty goodness all the more. Y’all can have your York Peppermint Patties. I’ll just be over here praising the peanut butter gods as I savor each bite of crunchy peanut ecstasy. (Also good: Goo Goo Peanut Butter Clusters which skip the caramel, but are sadly also hard to find.)

  • Elsajeni says:

    When I was living in a dorm, my grandmother used to send me big boxes of holiday-theme-shaped candies. The best one was the Halloween box, and I loved it pretty much entirely on the strength of the “York Peppermint BATties”. They were delicious AND festive AND had a stupid pun name, what more could you want?

  • Kim says:

    I have to say how much fun it is reading everyone’s comments about all this candy! I’m saddened that Take 5 is doing so poorly..it is a tough matchup, but come on! cocolate AND pretzels AND peanut butter AND caramel? It might just be the perfect candy!

  • K. says:

    I abhor white chocolate. Always have, always will. I once bit into a white chocolate-covered pretzel thinking it was yogurt-covered and I was HORRIFIED. So Zero can suck it. But I couldn’t vote for the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup either because nuts are lethal to me (hee), so I skipped it. White chocolate may as well be lethal, it’s so gross.

    Junior Mints are my second-choice movie candy (first is gummy bears), so that was easy.

    @StillAnotherKate: “And am I the only one who still closes their eyes and say “When I bite into a York Peppermint Parry I get the sensation of . . . .””
    NO! That was the first thing I thought of. And then the person is whizzing down a snow-covered mountain. Love.

  • Rebecca U says:

    Second the See’s and Whitman’s comparison (there is none!) outrage. My understanding is that See’s is only in the Mid-West and East Coast around Christmas, so I am assuming scarcity is why it was combined with the ever-present drugstore holiday display Whitman’s. See’s, just another reason to love living in California (the sunny 60 degree weather today is nice too).

    I’m allergic to mint (thank goodness for little kid toothpaste!) so I vote for the non-mint selection in each pairing – I suspect the same is happening for those allergic to peanuts.

  • avis says:

    @Katharine – I am with you on that. Peanuts are the bane of my candy existence. It is the one nut I cannot stand to touch my chocolate. They shatter into tiny stupid peanut pieces that hide all over my mouth and take forever to go away. I am slightly sad and scared that a peanut candy will go all the way and then the terrorists will win.

  • Beadgirl says:

    Ahh, Whatchamacalits, a candy bar my father loved and a word he used when he forgot the English word he needed — the perfect marriage for him, really. I haven’t had one in over 20 years, and I must go find one now.

    And poor white chocolate — a perfectly yummy thing, where appropriate. And it had cocoa butter, which makes it a form of chocolate in my book. But I am resigned to the unreasoned hatred it faces.

    I will be disappointed but not at all surprised if Snickers wins. I really prefer not to have nuts in my chocolate, and I will go so far as biting peanut m&ms in half, eating all the peanuts, and saving the empty chocolate shells for last. Yes, I know: 1) I am weird, and 2) Keckler probably hates me at this point. Now Reese’s Cups, on the other hand, I can totally support as the ultimate victor (I may not like nuts with chocolate, but peanut butter with it is divine.)

  • Christina says:

    I cannot get past the use of my favorite kids book character of all time. Bunnicula ftw.

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    Second the See’s and Whitman’s comparison (there is none!) outrage.

    We aren’t comparing them; we’re combining them. Voting for that entry isn’t going to tar you with the inferior brush of Whitman’s approval, because the polling is anonymous, and also, it’s a Whitman’s sampler, not kicking newborn puppies.

  • Keckler says:

    For the Bunnicula lovers out there: I just re-read three books from that series and they still makes me laugh out loud.

  • Tarn says:

    I can’t believe that I voted against See’s, which remind me of happiness and holidays and my grandma, but my hatred for Whitman’s and healthy respect for Oh Henry! had to win out.

    The first time I received a Whitman’s sampler box I was all excited, and ended up going through “I’ll try this one…ew. Gross. Okay, this one…ew. Worse! Okay, this…ew!” And I think I ate one whole piece out of the whole box. With See’s it’s the opposite; I usually can eat everything in the box except one or two. (Word to the “ewwwwww!” that is the chocolate-covered cherry, Sars.)

  • avis says:

    “I really prefer not to have nuts in my chocolate, and I will go so far as biting peanut m&ms in half, eating all the peanuts, and saving the empty chocolate shells for last.”

    @beadgirl – I thought I was the only one! If I am forced to eat Peanut M&Ms then this is the only way to go. Fortunately you can usually find peanut butter, coconut, or plain M&Ms instead.

  • Sue says:

    I actually LOVE Zero bars (it’s a childhood thing – that was one of my and my sister’s main “we are at the swimming pool so we can eat as much candy as we can afford” candies, and I still buy them at our local beer haven / convenience store), but Reese’s PB Cups are hands-down the best candy ever made, a constant presence in my home, and if they don’t win, I will move out of the Tomato Nation.

    Well, no, I won’t, but I will be sad if they don’t win.

  • Deirdre says:

    Oh my God, Special Crisp! I’d totally forgotten that chocolate bar – it was awesome. According to all-knowing Wikipedia, Whatchamacallit was indeed marketed as Special Crisp in Canada, but there’s no way you’d find one in a store today. Damn. Oh well, we’ll have to bask in the glow of the almighty Coffee Crisp up here north of the 49th.

    Generally I agree with the white-chocolate haters, but there is one way to have it that is fab: a Cadbury Snowflake. That is a Cadbury Flake Bar covered in white chocolate. Divine.

  • Seth L says:

    I had my first Zero bar not to long ago, and it was indeed a very poor excuse for a candy bar.

    Alpine white really needs to be resurrected though, I loved those things.

    Do Kinder eggs ever contain robots or spaceships? Because then I can get behind them.

  • Amie says:

    Thanks to a recent “what is the point of 3 Musketeers bars when you compare them to Snickers” conversation, I’m pretty sure Snickers will go a long, long way in this tourney. I still think Reese’s Peanut Butter cups have a good chance, though. Whenever I see a bowl of candy, those are the first ones grabbed and the ones people hoard for later.

    I’m pulling for the Whatchamacallit, too.

  • Sara says:

    Hershey’s Symphony! “You… you’ve earned it.”

    Anyone? Anyone? Sigh. A totally unsung candy bar. The one with toffee bits is so good! Sad to see it losing to Kinder, which is not only nasty, but has crappy toys.

    Ah, candy bar passion.

  • Valerie says:

    You should try the Kinder chocolate STICKS.

    The chocolate is just ….delicious!

  • Brian says:

    Nutrageous is fighting a losing battle, both here and with the general public, which is unfortunate. I can’t find them at 7-11s anymore, and there weren’t any bite-sized ones at Target this past Halloween. I’m afraid it may be on its way out.

    Which leaves me completely confused. To my mind, the Nutrageous is the perfect candy bar: You take a Snickers, remove the nougat (which nobody likes anyway), and replace it with Reese’s peanut butter. Genius! What could be better? Yet Nutrageous loses out because it doesn’t have the same PR push that Snickers does. And it really got shafted in the draw, because Peppermint Patties have some fierce loyalists.

  • mimi says:

    @avis – there are coconut M&M’s? MUST FIND RIGHT NOW.

  • Lamoshe says:

    Oh, Lordy, that Alpine White commercial…. I totally remember the Nestle/Nestle’s (shudder) song, not sure if I remember that particular use of it. But I am now quite put out that Nestle appropriated Maxfield Parrish images for the damn thing. I wonder if there was a licensing fee?

    On topic? This is a tough bracket; I truly wavered on several. But what’s with all the white chocolate hate, people? Although: more for me! Yay!

  • Carra says:

    Woo, Canada Zero bars! I absolutely love Zero bars – but then I Googled it, and no, those weird-looking white things are not the Zero bars my mom and I go crazy over. SO. Glad I read the comments before I voted there.

    Also, I am firmly, now, and forever, on the peppermint side. I love mint chocolate. Used to keep a couple of After Eights by my bed when I was little (smuggled them in when my mom didn’t notice) for morning snacks. :)

  • meltina says:

    I grew up being allowed to have one kinder egg a week. I’d look forward to it all week. I would still eat some, except that their milky chocolate-ness spells bad news for my digestive system these day. :(

    One vote for nostalgia.

  • That's just crazy talk says:

    @mimi there are, but they are not nearly coconutty enough. Still, worth a sample.

    @sars I am not entirely convinced that there isn’t more of a correlation between Whitman’s Sampler and the pained yelps of ADORABLE BABY PUPPIES BEING ABUSED than you seem to think. I’m just sayin’.

  • Christy says:

    I’m still pulling my hair out over the Sophie’s Choice of Whatchamacallit vs. Take 5. Whatchamacallit is scarce here, so whenever I see one, I buy it, but it’s like Take 5 was engineered for me to love. Pretzels in a candy bar?! Best idea ever. I voted for Whatchamacallit since it’s less mainstream. Also, my husband would like to add that, “Reese’s is going to take it all, baby!”

  • cayenne says:

    @Deirdre – have you tried the Cadbury Snowflakes that are white flakies dipped in milk chocolate? Mmmm. They’re one of the 2 white chocolate bars I like (other is Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme), but unfortunately not often available. But Coffee Crisp is vile. The coffee flavour isn’t strong enough & I hate wafers in chocolate bars.

    @Brian – re nougat: exactly. Icksville. And I’d hate for Nutrageous to be discontinued.

    Wow, this really was a tough bracket.

  • Erin says:

    Bwaw! Maxfield Parrish meets Stormfront!

    I don’t know how I made it through childhood without seeing that commercial. Travesty rectified.

    Has anyone read Steve Almond’s “Candyfreak”? It’s about 200 pages devoted to this sort of discussion, as well as a visit to several regional candy makers holding out against conglomerates.

  • Rebecca U says:

    @sars – you are right, you are not comparing them, you are equating them and they’re are not equal. That’s all. At least they’re winning.

  • Liz in Minneapolis says:

    Alpine White was awesome. Alpine White with Cherry Coke in a hot pink and turquoise can, or original Cherry 7-Up, or Black Cherry New York Seltzer – wooooo!

    White Reese’s are awesome. That white chocolate Oreo bar deal is decent. In general, I will give white chocolate versions of standards a try. I even voted for Zero over Reese’s, even though Reese’s is one of my overall favorites, because I’m slowly making my way through a box of Zeroes that they got in the convenience store at my place of employment, and I feel a kind of duty to Zero, which just seems so lonely and rejected, and also to its awesome retro silver and blue wrapper. This is not to say that Zero is uniquely delicious – nougat is nougat and the white confection is, to be honest, quite sub-par. I’m just sappy.

    However, none of them really count as white chocolate. Budget white confection is a pale imitation of the real thing.

    White Toblerone (is it still available?) and plain white Lindt truffles are good for an easy-to-find, higher-quality white chocolate experience. There’s also a fabulous Lindt white chocolate/coconut bar, one of those hoity-toity ones that costs $4.00 and gets displayed standing on end, which is as close as I will ever get to my beloved and lost green Coconut Nests.

    I will say – Palmer chocolates, white or regular, are horrible, like sugar and wax and nothing more, and are sadly almost the only white chocolate Easter bunnies available anymore.

    Finally, there’s maple in Nut Goodies? I’ve never noticed. Oh, wait! For shame, naturalized Minnesotan! I was thinking of Pearson’s Nut ROLLS. I can take or leave the Goodies, but the Rolls are nice, I consider them to be healthier because of all the peanut protein (I know) and it’s always fun to peel them off the inner cardboard thing.

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    We’re not equating them either. We’re putting them together. Really.

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