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Home » Culture and Criticism

N Candy AA: Round of 64, Flight 4

Submitted by on March 28, 2010 – 7:46 AM51 Comments

n-candy-aaToday's write-ups by Sarah D. Bunting.Updated bracket is here. Confused? Click here.

1 Milky Way vs. 16 Sno-Caps. I used to like Milky Ways much more than I do now; I was really into airy-nougat candies as a kid. It's still a pretty solid candy, particularly in bite-size form, which gives it a more pleasing density. More importantly, it is not a Sno-Cap. I hate Sno-Caps. I hate the burnt taste of the chocolate, I hate the little vermiculite-y bits that get jammed down in my gumline and stay there for entire presidential terms, and what I really hate is that they seem pretty cool-looking, and like they could taste good, but they don't. They taste like disillusionment, and if you yourself don't have a story about breaking a tooth on one, I guarantee that you know someone who does. The only thing I enjoy about them even a little is referring to them as "Sno-Craps." Milky Way by a landslide.

8 Hershey Kisses vs. 9 Ritter. It's hard to make myself care about this match-up, I'm sorry to say. I enjoy the occasional Ritter Sport, but it's never a candy I go for first, or even fourth. Kisses, same kind of deal: it's one of those candies I will eat if it's around, but wouldn't buy for myself. I like the ones with the almonds in them, but overall, mostly meh. Kisses probably take it because certain varieties have passionate adherents. ["I sort of think Kisses should lose it on the basis of those weak-ass Hugs alone, but that's the white-chocolate-hater in me coming out again." -- Keckler]

5 Twix vs. 12 Milk Duds. I've never gotten Twix. I like them fine, but they get melty too fast, and I don't love the cardboard top note. Milk Duds look like deer pellets (hew) and rip out any fillings not put in with concrete, but I far prefer them, despite the super-annoying ad campaign from the '80s with which I still associate both Duds and Whoppers. Remember those, the faux hip-hop "M-m-m-milk Duds" spots? Gigi and I would call each other, say "M-m-m-milk Duds" into the receiver, and hang up; for months we did this. Girls' school is really boring. Anyway! I like Duds better but accept that they will not survive this round.

4 Nestle Crunch vs. 13 Crunchie. I don't like "crispety" candies that much. Crumbling up a Crunch into ice cream or fro yo works for me, but plain, on its own? I just would never bother. But Crunchie is an acquired taste, for sure, although the people who love it love it; I sent dozens of them to the Biscuit in law-school care packages. The honeycomb/Styrofoam combo is not everyone's jam, so while I prefer Crunchie, Big Blue probably wins this easily.

6 Krackel vs. 11 Whoppers/Maltesers. See above; Krackel is easily the most boring in a bag of Hershey's Miniatures (but melts the least easily, which is a minor point in its favor), but the malt ball is like black licorice — a lot of folks really love it, but many more folks extra-hate it. ["I have a huge grudge against Whoppers. I got a box at a movie, thinking they were going to be a substantial candy, and instead I got a mouthful of slightly sweet air. I've never forgiven them for that disappointment." -- Keckler] So which wins, dull or despised? Dull, here.

3 Three Musketeers vs. 14 Wonka Bar. God, I used to love Three Musketeers. I would skin the chocolate off and then eat all the filling together. I know: gross. It's a classic, but it's a bit too simple and airy for me. The Wonka, meanwhile, is something of a disappointment. Chocolate-dipped graham cracker should rule, and has, in other formats, but the Nestle version always tastes stale. Musketeers for the win.

7 Rolo vs. 10 Toblerone. I feel like Rolo had a heyday about 20 years ago, but nobody really eats them anymore, and the rolls you see in the store look weathered and old. I like them a lot when I can find a fresh pack; they aren't as punishing on the teeth as other candies of that style. Toblerone, meanwhile, is crap. Whoop dee doo, you can break off the triangles, or slam down that orange one on the ground and eat the bits. The orange one is crap with a Lysol aftertaste. No thanks, To-bore-one! Rolo all the way.

2 Heath vs. 15 Lindt/Lindor. I don't know if Heath should win on the strength of its association with beloved ice-cream flavors, but it may, and that's fine with me. I have no problem with Lindt or Lindor — it's the only kind of candy with raspberry in it that doesn't taste like perfume — but it's got no shot.

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  • Deirdre says:

    The tags on this one are hilarious.

    I can't believe Krackle is losing to those wax-covered blerf balls. I'm not a big proponent of any Hershey's chocolate, but Maltesers are vile and must be destroyed.

    Less surprised, but disappointed, that Ritter and Toblerone are losing their match-ups too. The Ritter square with hazelnuts is awesome, and I am a huge Toblerone fan, despite its tendency to stick in your teeth for a week.

  • Amie says:

    I definitely went through a passionate Rolo phase about 20 years ago. Caramel and chocolate but less waxy and tooth-punishing than Milk Duds (which I still occasionally get, at my own risk, at the movies, because… well, I'm not really sure.)

  • NotFace says:

    I need it known that my vote was for Maltesers and on no account for Whoppers. Whoppers wish they were Maltesers, but They Are Not.

  • Erin W says:

    I love a good caramel Twix bar, but you can't buy them in vending machines. Every time I do, all the caramel has dripped down into the bottom of the bar. I'll buy them in a drugstore or wherever they're stored laying flat, though.

    Also, I know tons of people who still eat Rolos! Maybe we're behind the times in Ohio.

  • Jenn says:

    Milk Duds have a history of disappointing me. Every Halloween I would get a bunch of little boxes of them and be all excited, and every year, without fail, I would be let down by the fact that there are, at most, four duds in a box. Rip-off.

  • Krissa says:

    I did the exact same thing with Three Musketeers. I'm pretty sure I still would if I had one, gross or not.

  • Louisa says:

    Because I disagree with almost all of the matchup intros, it fills me with glee when a prediction is wrong. C'mon Lindt/Lindor, win it!!!

    And why is Lindt/Lindor just one entry? Cadbury's and Hershey's don't have to justify their whole brand with one entry. I'm going to the mall right now, and I have to avoid spending all my money at the Lindt store.

  • MH says:

    TOBLERONE!! I've enjoyed toblerone in the past but recently have become very passionate about them. One of my profs last semester in fluid mechanics had a pretty strong accent and whenever he talked about "turbulent flow" it sounded like "toblerone flow". I started bringing mini toblerone bars to class and handing them to my friends whenever he said it! Good times :)

  • Mike says:

    As much as I dislike Krackel, I had to vote for it over Whoppers. I don't understand how those are candy. I remember being told how good they tasted, "they taste like a chocolate malt," then I tasted them and almost barfed. They are not candy. They are made of lies. Also, they look like giraffe poop.

  • Bo says:

    The two best bars frozen are in this bracket–Musketeers and Milky Way. Fond memories of my dad getting all excited about frozen Milky Ways.

    Heath Bars used to have a good creamy almost European tasting/texturing chocolate on them. And there used to be 2 in a pack, so you got a richer chocolate per toffee ratio. Now they just have Hershey chocolate on them and are one per pack. From one of my all-time faves to something I'll never waste money or calories on again.

  • K. says:

    Ugh, Sno-Caps and Whoppers. Bleargh. Whoppers taste like chalk.

    My picks: Milky Way, Kisses (never had a Ritter), Twix, Nestle Crunch, Krackle, Three Musketeers (NOT the mint kind), Rolo, Lindor. Whenever I'm buying something at Borders, I plunk down three Lindor chocolates at the register. It's an impulse buy placement that works on me. The chocolate is really smooth and the shell is the right thickness.

  • Amy Newman says:

    Rolo/pretzel/pecan treats. Take a Rolo, put it on top of a small pretzel, put it pretzel-side down on a baking sheet, put baking sheet in the oven at 250 degrees for a couple of minutes (just until Rolo is getting melty but not long enough to burn anything), take out of the oven then immediately smush a 1/2 pecan into the Rolo; allow to cool and serve. Old church ladies around here make them for bake sales. Do I love me a bake sale when it includes Rolo treats…

  • Pamela says:

    The Rolo/Toblerone match-up is a heartbreaker for me. I used to enjoy sticking a roasted, salted almond into each individual Rolo before eating it. A perfect bite of salty, nutty, chewy goodness.

    Toblerone for the win, though. It's shaped like a triangle, y'all.

    @NotFace – I feel just the opposite. In no known universe are Maltesers anywhere near as tasty as Whoppers. Brach's Malted Milk Balls, however, have them both beat.

  • jill (tx) says:

    The Lindt chocolate balls with peanut butter in them are A) amazing and B) the perfect way to gain weight for a movie role.

  • Jennifer says:

    Rolos are best when you put them on the square weave pretzels, melt them in the oven for a few minutes, then squish them down with another pretzel on top and let them cool. YUM.

  • Jill says:

    Also: Which of the 26 Ritter varieties are we talking about? All of them? Worse then Hershey's kisses?

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    If a variety isn't specified, assume that all varieties are included, and vote for or against accordingly.

    Again: 64 slots. We do the best we can.

  • Anlyn says:

    Whoppers, or any kind of malt balls, are the only time I like malt. I hate malt milkshakes, and most kinds of beer, because I despise the taste of malt. Tastes like three-day old sweat, to me.

    But I do like malt balls. I'm weird, I know.

  • Toni says:

    Twix/Milk Duds is my Sophie's Choice. I head you on the melted Twix, but I generally just store them in the fridges, so the caramel becomes all snappy and doesn't stick to the wrapper. Plus, as a kid I would eat them layer by layer. Chocolate, caramel, cookie.

    That said, Milk Duds are also awesome. I love throwing some into brownie batter before baking. Plus, while I'm also a Rolo fan, Milk Duds harder consistency makes them last longer.

  • Rachel says:

    I have only tried one version of Ritter, and it made me so full of hate and rage that I voted against ALL Ritter, from now until the end of time. I got one with almond …granules (I guess) in it, and thought "ooh, this looks fancy, I'll save it until a time when I really really want some chocolate."

    PMS week rolled around and let me tell you, it was a very short jaunt from "ooh!" to "ICK PENCIL SHAVINGs OH MY GOD."

    Thus, Kisses. Even with all the newfangled 'flavors' of Kisses, the original ones are just fine, thanks.

  • Kari says:

    I completely agree with Mike. Whoppers are disgusting, and I too had to vote for a disappointing Krackle to avoid the dreaded Whopper.

    Also, K., the mint version of the Three Musketeers is the only way you are getting me remotely CLOSE to one of those things. Yick. Might as well be a whopper.

    I do like Milk Duds, despite agreement with others assessments that they will A) break your teeth if you aren't careful, and B) have a waxy coating. I figure, it can satisfy my chocolate/caramel craving in a cheap way, while also slowing me down enough to actually feel full (I have a tendency to over-enjoy candy).

    Finally, Amy Newman, you are my new best friend. That recipe for Rolos sounds fantastic and easy! Thanks!

  • Cyntada says:

    @Mike: What, no chocolate-covered puffed blerf for you?

    I like Whoppers and voted accordingly, actually, but I can understand the hate. And, have to agree with you on the giraffe poo assessment –  hew!

    I never had a Heath bar before I worked with a lady who had that surname. She used to keep a stash in her desk and pass then out as sort of an atta-boy treat when she thought somebody went above and beyond. I quickly learned that free chocolate is a very good motivator indeed.

  • mo pie says:

    All my favorite candies are in here and they're mostly LOSING. I love Sno-Caps, Whoppers, and Ritter with Marzipan so much! Also, Toblerone is delicious. No Sno-Caps? You guys are crazy!

  • DuchessKitty says:

    How the hell are Heath bars losing to Lindt?!!!! Chocolate/toffee goodness people!

  • Amie says:

    @K. – I often succumb to the 3 Lindor Truffle impulse at Borders, too!

    @Amy Newman – so that's how those yummy treats are made! Thank you for demystifying that for me! I had no idea Rolos were the secret ingredient that stuck the pecan to the pretzel.

  • Lori says:

    LINDT! The awesomest truffle bar ever! With the little square truffle pieces you let melt on your tongue … I love Heath bars, but Lindt, omg.

    And CRUNCHIE! I was delighted just to find it in the tournament – I always thought of it as strictly a British candy (though I get mine at Wegman's).

    I could not vote for Krackels. HERSHEY'S HAS CHANGED THE RECIPE, PEOPLE. Krackels (and Mr. Goodbars) are now made with vegetable oil instead of cocoa butter, to save $$. The flavor change is really noticeable – I had to google "hersheys changed recipe" after I ate some, and then I learned the truth. The last bag of Hershey's Miniatures I bought will be the last bag I ever buy.

  • Katharine says:

    Man, the single Ritter and worse, the single Lindt, listings, are making me very sad, here. How am I supposed to vote? Am I voting for the Lindt Bunny/Reindeer? The box of occasionally bizarre Desserts? The ascetic Extra Dark with Cocoa Nibs? The dozen or so different filled bars? Any one of the Squooshy Lindt Balls?

    My beloved European chocolate is getting a very short end of this stick…

  • Keckler says:

    @Katharine, vote for the IDEA of Lindt or Ritter. Does Good Lindt or Good Ritter, as a whole, balance out the bad? Then vote yay.

    We seriously don't have enough brackets — 64, people! — to accommodate every single last little candy.

    And, I'm sorry, but as much as the Anglophile in me wanted to include Lion, Aero, Flake, Yorkie, etc. in this bracket, we just couldn't. We had to go for maximum saturation.

  • Sarah says:

    Or vote for Ritter/Lindt as if it meant your favorite of the brand. I don't love all the Ritter Sports I've had, but on the strength of the Fruit & Nut and the Praline (OMG, THE PRALINE), it edged out (even the almond) Kiss for me.

  • Rachel says:

    Awww, Yorkie! Wasn't it Bitch magazine or Ms. or some other huffy feminist rag that was whining about Yorkie and their "not for girls" slogan? I remember reading about that and suffering a head-spraining eyeroll, because: really? THAT is what you get all het up about? Ooooookay then.

  • Hannah says:

    I'm amused at the write-up for Krackle/Whoppers, just because I hadn't thought about them for years, but I used to love both of those candies. I still have a Pavlovian reaction when I see the bright red Krackle wrappers in the Hershey's assorted miniatures (even though you're right; they are bland as all hell).

    Twix makes me bitter. I like the original version just fine (and the newer peanut butter is good, too), but does anyone remember when they made cookies and cream Twix? I .still. crave those, and I don't think they've been made for two decades now.

  • Roberta says:

    Mo, I'm with you on the Sno Cap love. Movie treat of choice for me, made even better by the fact that the boy doesn't like any kind of dark chocolate so I get the whole box to myself. Yum.

  • Carrie Ann says:

    While the previous bracket had all of my favorites, this one has all of the candies left in my Halloween bucket after the first week. The blahness is overwhelming, so most of my votes were votes AGAINST the more objectionable option. I expect the better (i.e., peanut or peanut butter based) candies to take down boring-ass Milky Way and Three Musketeers in the next round.

    This leads to a question: why would anyone make a candy bar with the sorta-maply blah-nougat in Milky Way and 3 Musketeers, when the far superior salty nougat in Snickers exists? Why not just make the switch to delicous salty nougat?

  • Liz in Minneapolis says:

    Ooohhh, Cookies & Cream Twix! Heaven, because somehow the cream part was neither pure Oreo-style lard nor pure sugar wax, but somehow was an altogether different, yummy thing, at least in misty water-colored memories. The study treat for my roommate and I senior year in college was Twix – often the peanut butter variety – and Mountain Dew from the vending machines. I still love Twix, and consider that the cookie part somehow makes them a more legitimate and nutritious source of empty calories than solid chocolate or caramel would be.

    Go, Ritter and Lindt/Lindor! I miss Cost Plus World Market so much. Darn economy.

  • tulip says:

    @Mike I love maltballs (Malteasers are WAY better than Whoppers btw) but your comment "They are made of lies." was so funny I had to try to explain my laughter to my co-workers. Now they all think I'm even WEIRDER than they thought before. Thanks! ;)

  • Adlib says:

    @Hannah OMG YES on the Cookies & Cream Twix! Where the hell did they go? They still make the Cookies & Cream Hershey bar so I think they "should" (at least in my world) make the Twix version too.

    Sars is completely right on the Whoppers/black licorice thing. I hate both with the fire of a thousand suns (to overuse a cliche). Gag. As Mike said above, not candy–lies.

  • Kira says:

    not that milky way needs any support, but milky way midnight is my crack. the creamy white nougat looks so gorgeous next to the dark chocolate, and i fully acknowledge that it is inferior to designer dark chocolate. SO BE IT. i will claim every last one from the variety bags at halloween.

  • KTB says:

    Wow, I definitely had a stronger reaction to this bracket than the other ones. I actually had to pause in the Milky Way/Sno-Caps matchup, since I have fond memories of Sno-Caps, even if I actually like Milky Ways better.

    I HATE WHOPPERS SO MUCH!!! Whew–had to get that off my chest. I hate the way they taste, hate the way they grate on my teeth, everything. I hate Milk Duds for a similar reason–I was always a little bit afraid that they were removing important parts of my teeth/fillings.

    I am so glad to find out that I am totally not the only person who used to peel the chocolate coating off of the Three Musketeers bars, because I totally did that. And I also adore the praline Ritter Sport bars, and buy them every time I see them. Which, for my waistline's sake, is fortunately not that often.

  • Kristin says:

    I'm appallingly Brit-o-phile in my candy tastes, I'll admit, so some of these match-ups are painful. I will say that once you go Malteser, you can never go back to Whoppers. And Crunchie RULES – Cadbury's chocolate is innately superior to nasty, waxy Nestle choc.

  • JeniMull says:

    well, maybe I'll try a damn Ritter Praline to see if it can save the brand for me, because meh – oh a whole, I've found Ritter to be incredibly disappointing.

  • Katharine says:

    @Keckler Whoa, you can't just go buy the divine chocolate fluff of Aero (in various flavours!) or Flake any old where when the mood hits? Yet again, Canadian chocolate variety proves supreme – more awesome, less peanut! (You must not have Coffee Crisp either – if you did, it couldn't have missed a bracket.) This makes up for any Lindt-slighting. Excuse me while I gloat.

  • Rbelle says:

    Oh, aargh. My favorite movie candy (Milk Duds) up against my favorite candy bar of all time? So, so unfair.

  • Jon says:

    I like many kinds of candy (although I've never heard of Ritter until today), but malted milk balls are the one candy that I anxiously look forward to every Easter, and if I don't get any the holiday is just ruined. The best are the ones that look like little robin eggs, with a thin pastel candy shell around a thin layer of chocolate around a ball of super-malty goodness.

    As for Lindor — once I tasted Joel Durand, every other truffle is a pale imitation. Tasting them just makes me sad, since I can never get the ones I really love.

  • J+1 says:

    The mint version of Three Musketeers is AWESOME. Of course, I still like the regular version, so what do I know?

    And the only Whoppers that are great are the ones they make around Easter that look like big bird's eggs. Mmmm.

  • RJ says:

    Milky Ways…. mmmmmmmm. That reminds me, I have one sitting at home on my kitchen counter. JOY.

  • Kelly says:

    HOW is Ritter losing to Hershey's? Have you all no taste buds? Hershey's chocolate tastes like dirt! It does not compare to the high-quality Euro chocolate goodness of Ritter Sport.

    That may come off as a bit histrionic, but…seriously?!

    Anyway, there are 1,873,956 different kinds of Ritters, and I imagine that some people may have been scarred by tasting a bad one (they do exist) but I challenge anyone to try, say, an Alpine Milk, and still say Hershey's is better. Not possible.

  • Jules says:

    The Ritter cornflake & chocolate changed my life! Best. Candy. Ever.

    Also, the only way to eat a Three Muskateers is with an ice cold glass of Coke or Pepsi. Something about the chemical reaction between the candy and the soda results in a blissful chocolately explosion in your mouth.

  • cayenne says:

    Flight 3 was the hell bracket for me. This one was full of meh.

    I used to think that Three Musketeers & Milky Way were the same bland thing. They're so similar to me that I have come to believe that the only real use for them is deep-frying them at fairs or chili cook-offs.

    Whoppers > Maltesers. I like the grainy maltstuff texture, though not so much the chocolate. And Krackel is terrible, a whiny, wannabe Nestle Crunch.

    I think that those people who love Ritter have been duped by marketing shysters. Euro chocolate? This is hardly high-end Belgian or Swiss product. It's German. And since when have Germans had a rep for choccy? Granted, "better than Hershey's" is not a difficult claim, but hardly a tagline for fabulosity.

    @Katharine- Mint Aero!

  • Laura says:

    Can I point out the hilarity that is the bracketmaker website's preponderance of "lose weight now!" ads combined with the candy battle results?

  • Keckler says:

    @Jon I also had the pleasure of tasting Joel Durand. Man. My in-laws brought us back a box of his truffles from Provence and they were insane. Black olive and chocolate? Sounds like pregnancy cravings, but it's not a bad combination at all.

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