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Home » Culture and Criticism

N Cracker AA Round 1 Flight 1: Vote!

Submitted by on October 10, 2013 – 10:30 AM27 Comments


This isn't one of the tougher flights to predict; the randomizer gave us a couple of doozies, but I think it's Goldfish cheddar's to lose.

Carr's Cracked Pepper, matzoh, cheddar bunnies, and oyster crackers should also make strong showings.

I'll get behind the CCP, but I also have to vote Cheese Melts, because it's nearly God's perfect cracker (the only downside: the diameter is juuuuuust a bit too large to fit one neatly in my mouth in a single bite. It's not impossible, though, believe me). What gets my third vote, oyster crackers or matzoh? As a crunchy butter-delivery system, you really can't beat matzoh. As a source of hilarity — namely, arguments over whether "marital property" may properly include packets of oyster crackers allegedly saved for post-chowder snacking (which by the way is not a thing and what kind of pinko doesn't just put them in the chowder) but foolishly left in the common area of the table — it's the little dough bullets FTW. Pity they don't have much taste on their own.

The real question is, who was Carr? — SDB


Wow. There are several ringers in this round that are just going to smash the competition to impossible-to-sweep-off-hardwood-floors smithereens. While I admit to totally loving the fancified Triscuits flavors (I once ate so many of the now-defunct cheddar ones that my tongue felt irradiated), there's no way even the rosemary-olive-oil Triscuits can beat down Goldfish or Club fans.

Even relatively "plain" crackers have a strong leg in this round. For picky eaters at a restaurant, oyster crackers were all we could eat of suspiciously creamy soups where things TOUCHED other things. Blessedly bland, not only did they become tiny plastic bags of comfort food, but oyster crackers were thoroughly entertaining. Seeing how long they would stick to your tongue or lip before they fell off and sucking air through them is how some of us might have amused ourselves while the Grups talked about boring things like Reagan and the hostage crisis. Then there's matzoh: a traditional staple for our Jewish friends and a subject of fascination for those gentiles among us who were completely and totally off-the-wall envious of a holiday where crackers were featured as a major meal component. To this day, playing "Hide the Matzoh" with the Schneiders remains one of my favorite memories. Especially because I found the paper towel-wrapped matzoh hidden behind a picture frame. I mean, FOOD that you can HIDE behind a picture frame! How glorious is that? Picky eaters know what I'm talking about.

I don't think it will get past this round, but I do have a horrified fascination for how Chicken in a Biskit tastes like a cracker rendition of chicken noodle soup. The powdered, enveloped LIPTON'S soup, mind you, not that under-salted, de-flavored Campbell's slosh. I tried to convince my mom once that Chicken in a Biskit was a complete meal but she wasn't buying it.

…Oh, my god. While starting to muse over why Triscuits are spelled like that and NOT like Tris-CUTS, I just realized for the first time in 30+ years that Triscuits = biscuits. And here I was thinking it was some sort of "a tisket, a tasket, a green and yellow basket" thing. (Which: good luck getting THAT out of your head now.)

Revelations, y'all, that's what the N Cracker AA is all about. Revelations. "And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Tam Tams, and crumbs followed with him." — Keckler

N Cracker AA 1st Round, Flight 1: vote for your THREE (3) favorite crackers!

  • Goldfish cheddar (65%, 306 Votes)
  • oyster crackers (34%, 160 Votes)
  • Triscuits rosemary and olive oil (32%, 153 Votes)
  • Carr's Cracked Pepper (23%, 110 Votes)
  • Chicken in a Biskit (19%, 90 Votes)
  • Club Crackers buttery garlic (15%, 71 Votes)
  • Goldfish parmesan (15%, 70 Votes)
  • matzoh (14%, 68 Votes)
  • Triscuits roasted garlic (14%, 67 Votes)
  • melba toast (11%, 52 Votes)
  • Annie's Cheddar Bunnies (10%, 49 Votes)
  • Club Crackers multigrain (10%, 46 Votes)
  • Captain's Wafers (8%, 40 Votes)
  • Carr's Cheese Melts (6%, 29 Votes)
  • Trader Joe's multiseed with soy sauce (5%, 22 Votes)
  • Nairn's Oatcakes (4%, 19 Votes)
  • Nabisco Bacon Thins (3%, 16 Votes)
  • Tam Tams (3%, 12 Votes)
  • Back To Nature poppy thyme (1%, 5 Votes)
  • Jan's Farmhouse Crisps (1%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 474

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  • attica says:

    Now that it's chilly enough in the NE US to start in with soup for supper, crackers become even more important. I don't see how the oysters fail to progress.

  • scout1222 says:

    Welp, my 3 votes are (at this point) the top three choices, so that's amusing! There are a lot of crackers in this list that I haven't eaten, but that sound delicious – Trader Joes? I would eat those!

  • Kay says:

    I haven't heard of about half of these. Shame. Shaaaaaaaaame!

  • Kizz says:

    I cannot believe that Annie's cheddar bunnies are beating out Goldfish Parmesan right now. Unthinkable.

  • Jinxie says:

    What is WRONG with you people? Everyone knows Parmesan Goldfish are the superior Goldfish – not only do they taste better, but they don't leave all that orange gunk in your teeth.
    Human monsters, the lot of you!

  • Keckler says:

    THIS IS MY BIG QUESTION: which is the default Goldfish? The one that doesn't require a cheese adjective? Is there such a thing as just "Goldfish" without the cheese defining it? Or is the default Goldfish parm-flavored?!*

    *Things that keep you up at night when you're planning the NCrackerAA

  • KTB says:

    Seriously, I cannot believe that anyone thinks for one second that Goldfish cheddar are remotely in the same league as Goldfish Parmesan. I clearly need to go buy and eat a bag of my beloved Parmesan in protest.

  • Nanc in Ashland says:

    I have a feeling my beloved Narin's Oatcakes are going down without a fight, but hey, at least I voted! And for those of you who have never tried them, do so with some Rogue Creamery Lavendar TouVelle or any cheese that has booze in it!

  • Keckler says:

    I don't watch Game of Thrones but from what I read, "Nairn" sounds like something you might yell on that show. "Honey, have you seen my fur suit? Not the war-weight one, but the moth-eaten one I got last spring." "NAIRN! AND NOW I WILL CHOP YOU INTO A MILLION BLOODY PIECES!"

  • Ben says:

    Oh Keckler. Goldfish Original or maybe no adjective are just plain fish shaped oyster cracker like things, flavorless and pointless . I know this because I foolishly thought they were the Cheddar kind. This was very disappointing to my wife and children whom were set to consume said goldfish on our latest roadtrip. I'm still not sure I ever remember such a thing existing as a child, but apparently cheddar is a derivative, not the original.

  • Tracey says:

    Anyone else going to stop to buy crackers on the way home tonight?

    I haven't had a Chicken in a Biskit in decades, but I'm craving them now. Also parm Goldfish.

  • Lindsay says:

    I (grudgingly) included Goldfish Cheddar in my votes, but only because the infinitely superior Cheez-it cheddar crackers aren't included in this flight. Although, I have to say I've never tried Cheese Melts, and I'm going to remedy that as soon as i can get to the grocery store…

  • Cara says:

    Tracey, yes. And I'm going to buy those exact crackers, too.

    Jinxie, Parmesan Goldfish are buttery awesomeness, but the cheddar has a weird aftertaste.

  • Nanc in Ashland says:

    Sigh, my beloved NAIRN's mini oatcakes. Because spelling matters! Keckler, according the the official website, the company was started by John and Sarah Nairn. If I ever get to Scotland I'm going to visit the HQ!

  • Chesh says:

    What's the point of oyster crackers when you have Goldfish and Triscuits, which are superior in every soup possible? Triscuits even maintain their structural integrity while soaking up and flavoring delicious liquids, which automatically makes them better than some nasty little lumps of soggy starch. If you put oyster crackers in your soup, do yourself a favor and try LITERALLY ANY OTHER CRACKER INSTEAD.

  • Sandman says:

    "… but on the way I dropped it." … Dammit!

    Yeah, Oatcakes are goin' down. Too bad.

  • Kristin says:

    Goldfish Parmesan are awesome! I don't know too many from this round (what part of the chicken do you think is left over for a biskit, ugh) but I'm hoping matzoh gets some play!

  • SolitaryBlue says:

    I grew up eating Goldfish Cheddar, and the Goldfish Original flavor. I love both. I had no idea that Goldfish Parmesan even existed. But they sound awesome! …Must pick up a bag of them on my way home tonight.

  • attica says:

    I dislike how Triscuits have all those stick-y pieces that stab the inside of your mouth and/or lodge under your gums. They're tasty enough, but: ouch.

    They won't get my votes.

  • MaryAnne says:

    Instead of saltines & 7-Up, my childhood upset-stomach remedy was Chicken in a Biskit and Mt. Dew. Now I want some of both, and I don't even feel sick.

    Lindsay – YES. Cheez-Its > Goldfish.

  • cayenne says:

    Matzoh is not a food, let alone a cracker. It's a solid object, one bite of which requires vast amounts of roughage to aid its passage through the human intestine. One box of Manischewitz could cork up a entire dystentery-ridden village. Try being stuck eating it and its ground-up derivatives for a week, and you'll avoid consuming it again unless faced with a case of the galloping trots. Tungsten can probably be digested more easily than matzoh. Matzoh…feh.

    My poor Nairn oaties. I am sad for them.

  • Jen S 1.0 says:

    I'm not a big cracker person, but voted for Chicken in a Biscuit because it's Pearl Forrester's favorite. And Clubs, because they are the best cheese vehicles.

  • Nanc in Ashland says:

    Maybe if we ask nicely and beg pretty please we could have a mini-series featuring lovable losers [Nairn's Oatcakes] and give the underdogs [Nairn's Oatcakes] a chance to stand on the winner's podium.

  • Alan Swann says:

    What cayenne said about matzoh. It's SUPPOSED to be nearly inedible. People who say they like it — indeed, who VOTE for it over crackers designed to taste good — are either crippled by their upbringing (I escaped that particular [bread of] affliction) or are lying liars who lie.

  • Julia says:

    Clearly, over a decade of gluten-free eating has caused me to miss out on much innovation in the cracker field. Ahh, nostalgia…I now have a major craving for Chicken in a Biskit :P

  • Ben says:

    Well congratulations Nation, you were right, I was wrong. I tried them and Goldfish Parmesan is clearly the superior cheese fish. Thank you for correcting the error of my ways. I think I might need a cracker shopping list now to see what else I've been missing.

  • Sandman says:

    Still giggling at cayenne's and Alan Swann's matzoh takedowns. (Tungsten, hee!) And also Keckler's idea of a war-weight fur suit. Now I'm wishing the dialogue in Game of Thrones could include something as witty as the battle-cry "Nairn!"

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