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Home » Culture and Criticism

N Cracker AA Round 1 Flight 5: Vote!

Submitted by on October 29, 2013 – 9:15 AM7 Comments


…Oh my. I just absolutely have no idea what's going to become of Flight 5, because I just absolutely have no idea what I might vote for my own self.
Water Crackers, a classic; Town House original, currently sitting on my pantry shelf; Cheez-Its white cheddar, brilliant; Ritz Bits, ditto (but they get your knuckles all gritty/slimy) (but I don't care); Stoned Wheat Thins, that never clash with any cheese, be it mild or Carpathian cat-pee-ish; Milton's, which I never heard of before our nomination round and OMG I want to eat to there.

My predictions: Ak Mak (the power of Glark compels you), albino Cheez-Its, and dark horse Bagel Thins, if only because I think SWTs have as many detractors as fans. — Sarah D. Bunting

Just some general thoughts first:

1. Glutino cheddars win for the most off-putting name ever.

2. I have never heard of Sailor Boy Pilot Bread, but I suspect it might be the distant cousin of the hardtack sailors were forced to eat on long ocean voyages.

3. Ak-Maks are what AT-ATs crumble into their soup when they're home sick in bed.

4. Jingos sound racist. I don't know why they sound racist, but I do know Paula Deen shouldn't buy them.

5. When I was a kid, my dad was obsessed with Stoned Wheat Thins. He'd come home from work and stand in the kitchen as my mom finished dinner and shovel them in. They were his amuse-bouche. For my part, I never understood their appeal and I still think they are the blandest, driest cracker ever to be partially perforated.

I'm calling this round for Carr's Water Crackers (which ably saw me through two nauseous pregnancies and scoop up hot brie and pâté really well), buttery Town House original, and Sociables. — Stephanie V.W. Lucianovic

N Cracker AA 1st Round, Flight 5: vote for your THREE (3) favorite crackers!

  • Town House original (45%, 240 Votes)
  • Carr's Water Crackers (40%, 211 Votes)
  • Cheez-Its white cheddar (33%, 177 Votes)
  • Stoned Wheat Thins (30%, 160 Votes)
  • Ritz Bits (all) (24%, 129 Votes)
  • Sociables (22%, 114 Votes)
  • Bagel Thins (18%, 95 Votes)
  • Pretzel Crisps (17%, 92 Votes)
  • Pepperidge Farm Golden Butter (butterfly) (12%, 66 Votes)
  • McVitie's digestives (10%, 53 Votes)
  • Ak Mak (7%, 38 Votes)
  • Wasa Rye (7%, 36 Votes)
  • Nut Thins sea salt (5%, 29 Votes)
  • Raincoast Crisps cranberry (5%, 26 Votes)
  • Flipsides (5%, 24 Votes)
  • Toasted's onion (3%, 18 Votes)
  • Milton's cornbread crackers (3%, 18 Votes)
  • Glutino cheddar (1%, 4 Votes)
  • Sailor Boy Pilot Bread (1%, 3 Votes)
  • Jingos (1%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 529

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  • Cassie says:

    It is a travesty that Flipsides haven't gotten more votes! People, come on! They're the combination of Townhouse buttery goodness and salty pretzel-y goodness. There is no badness there!

  • Erin in SLC says:

    I dearly hope McVitie's digestives are losing on some sort of "more biscuit/cookie than actual cracker" technicality, because COME ON…

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    Go Ritz Bits go Ritz Bits go!

  • Sandman says:

    So many choices in this flight! I could have voted for twice the allotted number. (Also: are the terms "cracker" "AA" and "Paula Deen" — not to mention "N" — going to play hell with your Google results?)

  • Emily J. says:

    Ditto, Cassie. So sad about Flipsides. They are a crowning achievement in cracker technology.

  • KTB says:

    I can neither confirm nor deny that they are the same thing, but if Sailor Boy Pilot Bread is the same tasteless, cardboard "cracker" I was forced to eat for two weeks on an Outward Bound course, I hope it dies a horrible, fiery death.

    Seriously, peanut butter makes almost everything palatable. Except pilot bread. Ew.

  • Kitty says:

    This was the hardest round yet for me!

    There are easily six crackers in this flight that I have in my pantry on a regular basis.

    But for real y'all, what is with all the love for White Cheddar Cheez-Its? They are the worst. So nasty.

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