The N Candy AA: Non-Chocolate’s Revenge
Welcome back to the N Candy AA, sweet teeth! Keckler and I have put together a new bracket of non-chocolate treats for you to reminisce about, wonder at, and vote on.
And let me tell you, we had a really hard time with it. We kept forgetting certain candies; we agonized about merging others into one entry; we sat on Google, trying to confirm that still others even existed. As it turns out, making a list of candies is easy, but getting it to fit into a 64-slot bracket — with even numbers of “nostalgia” and “regular” candies on each side — is not. You can see the delicious results right here.
We did our best, but if you need to mourn an oversight or gnash your teeth over a ranking, do it right here. We may put together a consolation tourney; no promises, though.
Voting will kick off shortly. Any questions, let us know!
Tags: food Keckler N Candy AA
I don’t even need to see the whole bracket – my 300+ Pez dispenser collection and I are saying “PEZ FTW.”
Also, Peeps as a 1-seed? Are you high? And Bit-o-Honey as a 16? Shocked and appalled, is what I am. Peeps are the most horrible, most foul, most evil thing invented ever on any planet in any conceivable universe. I have nightmares about them.
We are going to have some really intense discussions, I can tell already. :)
Things this bracket taught me: that I love “candy” way more than chocolate. The chocolate bracket was super easy. This? This is like having to choose pick a favorite out of your two children. How am I supposed to choose between Lemonheads and fruit slices? Between Hot Tamale and Fun Dip? I remember being about 10 or 11 standing in the candy aisle at 7-11 absolutely agonizing over whether to get the Lemonheads, Mamba or Spree. At 35 I would still have the exact same problem.
Wow! There are so many candies I haven’t even heard of on this list. And so many others that make me gag. (Circus peanuts, I’m looking at you.)
I suspect there will be a bit of a divide between people who like chewy candies and those who do not, sort of like the smooth-ice cream versus ice cream-with-chunks-of-stuff-in-it crowds.
Swedish fish against Cow Tales? I CANNOT CHOOSE BETWEEN THESE TWO.
Great bracket, though!
Tic-tacs as a #3 seed, really? I don’t even think of them as candy, to be honest. So small, so not-sweet-tooth-satisfying. Tic-tacs are totally going down. :)
Ooh, Chuckles for the win! Or maybe Smarties! No, Fun Dip (well, actually Lik-M-Aid)! Wait, Bullseyes! (Nah, Bullseyes probably can’t even make it past the first bracket up against Reeses Pieces.) So, yeah, Chuckles for the win!
And this is what I’m like without any sugar in my system… This should be fun.
I love love love me a bull’s-eye, but you’re right, RJ — they’re screwed.
Fantastic bracket. In a related tangent, I feel I must share this flowchart re: candy choices. I may or may not have used this many times to figure out what to buy at the newsstand for my afternoon snicky snack. Heh.
Smarties and Sweet Tarts bundled together? Really?? Maybe this is some strange American versus Canadian versions of Sweet Tarts, but in my world those two candies do not resemble each other in any shape, way, or form.
Reading those brackets made me feel like a twelve year old again. Pop rocks! Fun Dip!! I need to go buy candy now…
Twizzlers with a #1 seed! Take that, #2 Red Vines.
Super surprised about the high seeds for peeps and circus peanuts. Didn’t realize that anyone ever actually ingested either one of those. I think either Skittles or Reeses Pieces FTW – gotta go classic.
My all-time favourite (wine gums!) is missing. In their absence, I am begrudgingly rooting for Twizzlers/Nibs. And I’m waiting for Hellcat to show up here to cheer on the maple candy, though it has no chance at all.
THIS IS SO AWESOME, YOU GUYS!!
Sorry for the all-caps, but this is my favourite bracket so far. Really, I’m just bouncing here – kind of like a four-year-old without limits on his Halloween bag. So is this why you had Laffy Taffy for breakfast, Sarah? Please note no condemnation if this is a regular occurrence; I am well-known for my Reese Cups & Smartfood brekkie (what? Peanut butter, corn…it’s like nutty cornflakes!).
Like JenMarc says, this is like choosing a fave amongst your kids. My reaction was “Oo, SweeTarts! No, Nerds! No, maple candy! No, Fun Dip! Ayyyyy. This is going to be so hard!” Except for ousting the circus peanuts pronto, cos: blerf.
Btw, thanks for including the maple candy; do you mean the molded maple sugar, maple toffee, or hard candies?
I can’t believe you put candy cigarettes up against Nerds. In the first round! That’s like a championship game right there.
JennyB, it’s actually an American vs. Canadian version of Smarties. Canadian/UK version: somewhat like M&Ms; American version: chalklike little sugar discs.
And elsewise, I got an illicit package of Wine Gums at the local British grocery store not two days ago… I’m with you on the all-time favorite.
@cayenne: It’s why I had it for breakfast *this time*. Heh. And we mean the molded sugar.
To whoever asked about Smarties/SweeTarts — American Smarties are totally different from European ones (i.e., they’re kind of gross). It’s…a SweeTart, but teeny, and it comes in a little tubular roll. They’re actually pretty good when they’re heated up, but I’ll get to that weird story in due time.
@Georgia, I’m with you on Circus Peanuts. I can’t even eat anything that’s the same texture as a Circus Peanut without having Vietnam-style flashbacks to the one and only time I attempted to eat one.
Maybe I only ever had poor knock-offs, but candy buttons never did anything for me.
@Sarah D. Bunting – mmm, the best of the maple stuff. You guys obvs know your maple.
Also, re Smarties: in Canada, they’re called Rockets. I don’t know if they’re named that anywhere else. But really, they’re wannabe SweeTarts: not as compressed, smaller (ignoring the giant variety), not as sweet or tart. Meh.
No Orange Slices??!!! And no fruit slices are not the same as Orange Slices! Blessed sugar coated…stuff, I can eat a bag in one sitting.
@ferretrick: Cherry Blasters.
Sarah, you… heated up Smarties? Really? I’m not sure that story can wait. :)
Oh, candy cigarettes! So controversial!
Also: I love Sour Patch Kids so much, y’all have no idea. And my dentist is cringing somewhere as I type this, but you know what goes REALLY well with them? Soda. (Obviously, you would not want to combine these two for too long, and then you’d probably want to go drink some water for fifteen minutes or so, and then go brush your teeth. Assuming you have any left.)
Is anyone else finding themselves getting more picky about chocolate as they progress through adulthood? I don’t like Caramellos nearly as much as I used to and that makes me sad.
My brother and I were on Fun House once upon a time. During one of the question parts my brother buzzed in first and so had the chance to answer, but he got flustered. Good ‘n’ Plenty came out “Goody Glenny.” They still gave him credit. But now in our family we always refer to Good ‘n’ Plenty as goody glennies. [BTW, we did not win the chance to go into the Fun House. Because of the race part. Which my brother biffed. I gave him a large lead which he squandered. I may let him forget this episode in our lives when he’s 80. Maybe.] All of which is to explain why I shall be voting for Good ‘n’ Plenty even though I cannot stand actually eating them.
Also, did anyone else have a classmate who tried to snort Pixy Stick dust?
This bracket proves that I have a definite candy bias. I have no desire to eat any of those things in the bracket except Payday and Reese’s Pieces – which, obviously, are chocolage candies. But it’s nice that you’re letting the JV candies have a tournament of their own. :)
Um, “chocolate.”
I think the only candy ever to be included among Union soldiers’ rations should go very, very far; it’s only right. On the other hand, NECCO wafers aren’t widely beloved. But I adore them — what other candy comes in ‘cloves’ flavor?!? (NECCO: New England Candy Co. I learned all of this on a radio gameshow. Driving to a baseball game.)
Eager, like a sugar rush!
My faves: Skittles, Cow Tales, caramel creams, (my grandpop used to keep a jar of them so I am rooting for them to win based on the “staple of my childhood” factor), maple candy, fruit slices, and Kraft caramels. I LOVE gummy bears/worms – they’re my go-to movie candy. But I don’t like the Haribo brand (although I do like Haribo fruit salad and gummy peaches). They’re too tough. And I also like Mentos, but only the fruit-flavored ones.
I know people love them but I actually hate Twizzlers – they’re like chewy straws.
I’m calling it now: Peeps vs. Haribo for the final!
Payday and Reese’s don’t contain chocolate, as far as we know, or they wouldn’t have been included here. FYI.
Please, I will stand for no more besmirching of my all-time favorites, Peeps. Mmmmmm, marshmallowy sugar goodness. And even better if you open the package and then let them sit for a day or two and get a little stale.
Seriously, the day they started making Peeps for holidays besides Easter was the happiest day of my life.
@Bria: I love that the flowchart didn’t have links to candy corn or circus peanuts, like there just isn’t a reason for anyone to eat those, ever. :)
PayDay definitely doesn’t have chocolate. I just had one the other day. Although, if we need to be really, really sure, I could go and test one for you right now. In the interest of science, of course.
@Mystery Amanda: “classmates”? Try big sister. And then, of course, I had to copy her. Which was very, very stupid.
@attica: Hoarhound candy sticks also come in clove. Mmmmm.
Candy corn, always and forever. Actually, those pumpkins that are made of candy corn ingredients are even better than candy corn.
What are these “Cow Tales” of which you speak? Also Mary Janes? I can’t believe there are so many candies of which I’ve never heard.
Ooh, another clove-flavored candy: gum drops! (Or spice drops.) The yellow ones of the spice drop variety are clove. (Or maybe it’s the orange ones…?) LOVE.
@Megan in Seattle Mary Janes are these chewy peanut butter things. I am equally clueless about Cow Tales though.
@Keckler: It’s been a while, but I know that kid was called Puff the Magic Purple Dragon for at least a trimester.
Mmm, Mary Janes — chewy peanut butter caramels in waxed paper wrappers. Love those!
A Cow Tale is basically a caramel cream in stretched-out form. It’s a long thin tube of caramel with a cream center.
What are Zotz?
I’m guessing that Cow Tales are some sort of regional thing, because I’ve lived in three distinct geographic regions of the U.S. and I’ve NEVER heard of them. After googling them, I’m pretty glad that I hadn’t until now.
And I’m voting Haribo as long as possible on the strength of TropFrutti, which is really hard to get in the states. But when you do, oh lord, it’s worth the import price.
I’m not allowed to eat candy for the next two months. (Special diet. Don’t ask.)
I’m torn between living my sweet tooth desires vicariously by thinking about each of these sweet, sweet match-ups, or just avoiding the temptation of thinking about candy at all. I’ll probably break down and vote, but I’ll delay my voting only until after I’ve already had something to eat.
@Mystery Amanda: I totally did have a friend who tried snorting Pixy Stix (… in, like, the 11th grade). She was sneezing pink shit all day.
@Rachel: People who love Peeps (i.e., me) really love Peeps. I think they’re a strong contender. Although, for me, they have lost some of their appeal now that they’re available year-round — ghost-shaped Peeps for Halloween! Tree-shaped Peeps for Christmas! Star-shaped Peeps… for… Fourth of July? Really, JustBorn?
I like candy corn, but it can’t measure up to its seasonal partner, the Mellocreme pumpkin. (Okay, technically, they are exactly the same. But I also believe some M&M colors are better than others, so.)
From Wikipedia: “Cow Tales are similar to the Caramel Creams, but in the form of a long, thin cylinder of soft caramel with a cream center. Cow Tales are also produced in Vanilla, Chocolate, Strawberry and Caramel Apple flavors.”
I know I will be the only one to root for sesame candy, but I’m glad it made the bracket at least. I used to clean up at Halloween, people didn’t even bother to trade for it half the time.
Cow Tales are caramel/creme sticks. I guess they’re supposed to look like cow tails, but I don’t know why it’s Tales instead of Tails.
Wait, Reese’s Pieces don’t have chocolate?
@kate:I love candy corn! I always get the bag of “Indian corn†or whatever it’s called, the one that has the pumpkins, regular candy corn, and the candy corn with brown on the bottom instead of yellow. The pumpkins are my favorite.
@Nina A & Megan in Seattle: Cow Tales are basically caramel creams, but in long thin tube form – a long tube of caramel wrapped around cream filling. They come individually wrapped. I’ve typically seen them as impulse buys at registers, especially at WaWa, a Philly convenience store chain.
@mspaul: I love Peeps too, but I find people either love them or loathe them – there’s no in between. So they’ll either destroy or get smoked.
I will be really curious to see people stand up for Circus Peanuts – I have never seen anyone actually eat them. They’re the most hated candy in the world for one of my best friends.
Candy cigarettes vs Nerds?
Pop Rocks vs. Boston Baked Beans?!?
You’re killing me with these first-round match-ups!
I feel like 8-year-old me in the candy aisle — I want them all!!!
“Cow Tales are a chewy caramel with a caramel apple cream center brought to you by the same folks that make Caramel Creams. Each tale is over 6 inches long and looks like a… well, cow tail.”
Who knew?