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Home » Stories, True and Otherwise

The NC Double Scrooge Finals: Dash Away All

Submitted by on December 22, 2010 – 11:56 AM36 Comments

The moment has come, my embittered and exhausted friends. Pull your eyes away from UPS's tracking screen, yank that contested length of ribbon away from the feline in your life, and vote for the nadir of the Yuletide season. Will the Christmas shoes stomp all comers flat? Can Jim Carrey withstand the gut-punch of a political party's marketing arm?

Only one way to find out! A safe and relaxing holiday to all from Tomato Nation and The Grub Report, and happy voting…

NC Double Scrooge Final: What's The Absolute WORST Thing On The List?

  • The alleged "War On Christmas" annually fabricated by conservatives (35%, 454 Votes)
  • Family-visit politicking (20%, 255 Votes)
  • "The Christmas Shoes" (16%, 205 Votes)
  • People who get all bent out of shape about either having to say "the holidays," or if you *fail* to say "the holidays" (13%, 168 Votes)
  • Shitty gifts and the Oscar-worthy acting job you must do upon receiving them (10%, 130 Votes)
  • How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Jim Carrey) (7%, 94 Votes)

Total Voters: 1,306

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  • Suzanne says:

    "Yank that contested length of ribbon away from the feline in your life" – too late. She has already eaten it. o____O

    And thank you to you and Keckler for putting this on. It is so hard to choose from all the horror here … My question: can the "War on Christmas" fall into the category of 'Family-visit politicking'? since, often, there's that one member of your family who's doing extensive Let's Kill the Socialists with Our Christmas Cheer … politicking?

  • Kari says:

    I voted for the War on Christmas, but if It's a Wonderful Life had made it past its first round, I would have voted for it here.

    I just needed to make my displeasure known.

  • Shanna says:

    That was easy – I'm a gift grinch. Hate hate HATE getting stuff I don't want…and always petrified of buying the wrong thing for others. The waste of money bothers me in both directions. Isn't it just much more efficient if we all buy ourselves whatever we want?

    But I know I'm in the minority here so…feh.

  • Keckler says:

    I have to admit, sharing this with Bunting and all you other Grinches is warming my heart.

  • MsC says:

    Man, tough call.

    I actually just ran into the whole happy holidays v merry xmas thing *again* yesterday when one of our corporate honchos came down to be fawned over and concluded the meeting by wishing us all a Merry Christmas – which would have been fine except that he followed up with a speech about how he doesn't truck with that whole 'Happy Holidays cop-out crap.' Oh for Pete's sake. Just say what you're going to say and don't make A Thing out of it. Thank you, sir. It's encounters with windbags like you that cause people to get their hackles up in response to innocent well-wishes.

  • cayenne says:

    Well, being Jewish, I don't have to deal with all of this, but everyone gets tortured by public loudspeaker Christmas muzak, has to pretend to love that whatever-it-is-and-why-the-hell-would-anyone-buy-it present, or gets confused over what good wishes to give to someone who is more likely to take offence rather than to understand the spirit of the offering. They're universal experiences.

    That said: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year, fellow TNers. And thanks to Sarah for the venue, and also to Keckler for co-ing the brackets. You all make life online lots of fun.

  • Jennifer says:

    I second what Keckler said.

    I had to vote for family politicking because that's the most consistent worst thing ever that makes everyone want to rip out their hair for the longest duration (i.e. till death). And I say this because a mailing list I'm on is filled with family bitching posts FOR GOOD REASON. People are psychos! Why do we associate with families, again?

  • Katherine says:

    Can I add one for next year? The person who swears on December 1st that she/he doesn't want any presents and won't exchange any with you, and then announces just a few days before Christmas that she/he has changed her mind and bought you expensive things anyway.

  • Ebeth says:

    I just received one of those damnable War on Christmas e-mails yesterday from my aunt…I had a "really?!!" moment and then thought "well, that decides my vote on Tomato Nation!" So thanks for taking a touch of the annoyance out of that moment for me!

    And thanks for all the fun, commentary and interesting thoughts you provide all year long, Sars!

  • Keckler says:

    You know, I used to really hate getting food for Christmas. It was such an uninteresting present, but now? I love it.

    We're so stocked with tasty foodstuffs (NOT fruitcake) that we don't need to go out and get wine or worry about breakfasts or snacks for the near future.

  • Bridget says:

    Shanna, you are not alone! Every year I try to down-size Christmas, and every year people ignore me. Please believe me when I say just make a donation. I have enough stuff!!

  • Chanticleer says:

    I was on a plane the other day and every time the flight attendants said "Happy holidays" over the intercom, the couple sitting in front of me shouted, "Merry Christmas!" Then some strangers a few rows down wished each other happy holidays, and the couple sitting in front of me shouted, "Merry Christmas!" They made me wish for a crying baby.

    But family-visit politicking is STILL worse.

  • Elsajeni says:

    I was trying to explain "The Christmas Shoes" to my mom over the phone yesterday, and I could not get through the entire chorus without cracking up. (She made it through most of the song, but "and then he THANKS GOD for SENDING THE TRAGIC URCHIN" tipped her over the edge. There was fake-retching.) So now my previously-uncomplicated hate for the song is tainted by fond thoughts of how much fun it is to make fun of. Still voting for it, though.

  • adam807 says:

    This is an IMPOSSIBLE choice.

  • Hellcat13 says:

    All about the family visits over here. This year, we are driving 10+ hours over 2 days to 3 Christmas celebrations to please everyone. Feh, indeed.

    I swear to god, some year I'm going to say screw them all and sit in my cozy grinchy house with my cozy grinchy husband and our cozy grinchy cats and watch anything but Christmas movies. Bring on the Evil Dead trilogy.

  • mctwin says:

    Oooh, Katherine! That's like my brother, #1 worst person to buy for, shows you the great, wonderful, useful thing that he got for a great deal, five days before his birthday! It would serve that person right to get gift certificates from EVERYBODY to the Wawa, 7-Eleven and such.

  • Mystery Amanda says:

    Speaking of War on Christmas: I hear people in NYC are protesting Wachovia for not having Christmas trees up.

  • Krissa says:

    We moved to ALASKA to avoid the family politicking. OK, that wasn't the only reason, but my parents always said it was such a huge bonus!

    That said, I voted for the "War."

  • Nicole says:

    I voted for the war on Christmas nonsense, but now I wish I could change my vote.

    While wrapping presents this afternoon, I decided to watch "The Grinch"(original) and when I went to turn it on, it turned out I had accidentally TIVO'd "The Grinch"(Jim Carrey version). I made the mistake of trying to watch the first couple minutes. Sooooo bad.

  • JennyB says:

    Sarah and Keckler, I'm impressed that you managed to get a picture of my parents' neighbours house to put on the site!

    Between my family living a 12-hour drive from us, my husband's divorced parents, his brother and his hateful wife, and his step-brother, who somehow can't confirm his presence at Christmas dinner until 12 minutes before the turkey is carved, I had to go with family-visit politicking.

    I tried to petition my husband for one year with his family, one year with my family, and one year on a beach in Mexico. No dice. Party pooper.

  • Trip says:

    I gave in and finally listened to that damn shoe song on YouTube, just to see what the hatred was all about.

    Now I just need someone to tell me how to un-hear it.

  • Isabel C. says:

    Oh, God, the "War on Christmas."

    Driving back from my grandparents' house to mine, I've encountered at least one house with a six-foot light display spelling out "Jesus is the Reason for the Season". Well…thanks for the information, Trying Too Hard Neighbors?

  • Jen S 1.0 says:

    A Merry Holiday of Your Choice, everybody!

    After some debate I had to go with Christmas Shoes, despite the fact I had made it 39 years on the planet before these polls informed me of its wretched and Christ-defiling existence. You may think this assessment harsh, but that damn song is really the encapsulation of everything that is WRONG with Christmas, in both the religious and secular sense. The classism, the "Jesus Is Taking My Mommy" storyline, the whole thank God this kid's mom is dying and he's penniless and filthy because it really brings home the spirit of the season to ME ME ME! A few ducats tossed in his raggedy cap makes ME the most wonderful awesome person in the universe! Jesus weeps with gratitude, the angels yodel my praises, God is so moved he'll end world hunger and buy me a Wii! Thanks loads for the dead mom, kiddo! See ya! GAH!

    But enough of such dross–onward to true holiday cheer! May you all eat cookies, drink refreshing beverages of choice, and smile upon a loved one during this good and festive time. God Bless Us, every one.

  • Hannah says:

    Seriously people, watch The Christmas Shoes movie. It BEGS for a drinking game and the MST2K treatment.

  • vickylee says:

    The alleged war on Christmas and the happy holidays/merry Christmas debacle are on equal footing, but I had to go with the 'war' in the end.

    Rants about both occur in my house every day starting on December 1st. I had the goood fortune to marry the man I love, but for some randomly strange reason he actually thinks there is a war on Christmas, and people are trying to keep him down by preventing him from saying "Merry Christmas."

    He is an atheist, as am I.

    He is also quite left wing on most issues.

    I do not understand and have learned to think about rainbows and daffodils and robot ninja dinosaurs when he turns into Grampa Simpson (Old Man Shakes Fist at Cloud).

  • patricia says:

    Jen S 1.0, you said everything- EVERYTHING!- that is in my heart about that song. And that is why, despite how wretched family politicking is, despite how inane and stupid and made-up the whole war on Christmas thing is, I voted for The Christmas Shoes, and I am sad that it is losing. That song truly is what is wrong with Christmas.

  • LunaS says:

    Ok, you guys, there's this music blog on Yahoo that is about top music downloads and such – can you believe that The Christmas Shoes is one of the top 30 downloaded Christmas songs?! (I believe it's towards the middle).

    I want to retain my faith in humankind and believe that people download it to share the misery with others who haven't heard it yet. "You have to hear it! It's awful!"

    That being said, I voted for the War on Christmas. I've had my fill of polarizing, fear-mongering, fake issues. Can we just take a break from that crap for the holidays kplzthx?

  • Andrea says:

    I've always enjoyed the Patton Oswwalt takedown of The Christmas Shoes (warning NSFW)

  • Hannah says:

    Oh, also, ALSO LunaS you just reminded me: I was at a not-at-all-packed bar the other night, and the karaoke DJ was taking requests for Christmas songs to play (not sing, just play), and I, being a sadist (and a little tipsy), shouted for "The Christmas Shoes." Drunk lady at the other end of the bar? SO EXCITED. Could not stop praising me for my song selection, LOVED that song, said she'd have to get the tissues out if he played it.

    DJ didn't have it, and so played the Jewish version of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." Win/win.

  • Isis Uptown says:

    I've just listened to both "The Christmas Shoes," and Patton Oswalt's takedown of same. It is a terrible song, but not so awful as to make be wish I'd voted for it.

  • Jen S 1.0 says:

    Andrea, I pulled that up and WEPT with laughter. "Um, I don't think we need to give the kid's mom CANCE–" "SHUT THE FUCK UP! This iss…it's gonna be da bes birthday ya ever had!"

  • Amy says:

    @ Andrea- that's awesome. Just awesome.

  • Adrienne says:

    Okay. So. I have never heard The Christmas Shoes. And now I have googled and, well… now I'm afraid *I* need new shoes. Because I horked on mine.

  • kategm says:

    Happy Holidays, Sars and Tomato Nation!

  • Tal says:

    This year's gift? As I drove from Dad's to my sponsor's anniversary meeting on Christmas morning, what to my defenseless ears issued forth from my radio? A kind of whiny little song, the first verse of which ended with a pair of shoes.

    I changed the station but thought of everyone here with love.

  • Nonnie says:

    My favorite is when conservatives say that "Happy Holidays" takes God out of the holiday season. To that I answer: whose God?

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