Leap Vine: February 29, 2012
I have a question regarding what to do about a depressed adult.
Backstory: My mother died of breast cancer three years ago. She was the stronghold of our family: the sweet, kind, funny, loving parent. She had her own problems, of course, but she was the solace for my sister and me. My father was angry, depressed, and for the most part not much fun to be around for the entire time before she died. I moved out the hot second I turned 18 (I am 32 now). My sister is 8 years younger, and still lives with my father.
My mother’s death was crushing to me. The worst thing I’ve ever been through. I know this has to be the same for my sister, but her reaction was much more introverted. She did not cry, at least in public. I am all for everyone grieving in their different ways, but as time passed I had the sneaking suspicion that she was avoiding dealing with the loss in some way.
My father was snapped awake by my mother’s death. He has become less angry, more emotionally available, more interested in life. His lows are low, but his highs are high and we have formed a relationship that is mostly good. It is still hard to trust him, however, and I know that my sister and he had a much more volatile relationship. I tended to shut down when he yelled at me; she yelled right back and their arguments were horrible. She doesn’t really like him at all, and he doesn’t fully understand how awful he was and thus doesn’t understand why she isn’t nice to him. They are still housemates, for the following reasons.
My sister is depressed. She stays in her dark, crowded room all the time, or is on the computer. She has very few friends. She has an on/off boyfriend who has emotional issues of his own, I think they see each other rarely nowadays. She has gained weight. She has always been a little socially awkward, and has often made good attempts to make more friends and get more comfortable, but in recent years it has not been going so well.
She is an extremely messy person. She house/dog sits for my husband and me when we go out of town once a year or so, and this last time when we came back the dishes were crusted over, there was rotten food in the sink, and fruit flies buzzing around. She likes staying at our house and loves our dogs, but appears to pretty much just hang on my computer the whole time she stays. She has dropped out of two colleges (one private, and quite expensive), and has had a lot of trouble holding a job. For the past six months or so she has held a full time job at a bakery, but despite having no rent or real bills to speak of, hasn’t saved any money to move out of my dad’s house (something she says she wants). My dad had to be very pushy to get her to apply for and accept a full-time job at all.
My dad and I just spoke on the phone about this and are at a loss. She doesn’t really respect either of us (we have an odd dynamic, where I am some mix of parent/sister/friend because of the age difference, and there is a sisterly mix of admiration and animosity), and while she will sometimes agree that changes need to be made, she makes no effort to change anything. We love her very much and both feel helpless about her future. She seems to have no goals, no desires, and freely admits that she is depressed. Bad conversations end with her balking at suggestions; good ones end in agreements with no follow-through on her part.
I want her to be a healthy happy person, but how do you get someone else to make a move to handle their depression? I feel like she needs fresh air, structure, routine, chores that are not given to her by her father, limited time with a computer…and then I feel like, fuck, I’m not her mother.
This is long. Please feel free to edit anything you need to. I’m hoping you and/or your readers can give me some advice on helping a person out of a dark, long depression. Thank you so so much in advance.
E
PS I realize I should mention that she has gone to therapy for well over a year and it appears that not much is happening with it. It seems like she maybe isn’t being clear about how bad the situation is to the therapist, probably because she herself doesn’t quite realize how bad it is?
Dear E,
You know what jumped out at me when I reread your letter? “I feel like, fuck, I’m not her mother.” That’s exactly right: you aren’t. I absolutely understand how you’ve stepped into a semi-parental role here, between the age difference, the fraught relationship you share with your father (even though it manifests itself differently with each of you), and the absence of your actual mother. I understand how it’s automatic, I understand how it can chafe (on both of you; more on that in a sec), and I understand that when you snap off a line like “this isn’t even my job, for fuck’s sake, so how come I feel like I’m doing it wrong and nobody cares,” you might feel guilty afterwards, or like you have to justify getting annoyed.
You really don’t. This isn’t working for you, and yet, it’s normal; even under less difficult circumstances, this is how siblings sometimes get stuck in their relationships as adults. Mr. Stupidhead and I occasionally devolve back to it. The trick is to become more aware that you have this parental relationship with Sister that isn’t functional, and then to try to stop yourself when you find yourself in that place with it, and do or say something different.
“But how do I get her to get help?” Yes, that’s what you actually asked, and I agree that something has to change, and that her current therapist is perhaps not pushing her hard enough to get to the other side of some ugly feelings. But you can’t control that, and trying is making you crazy. You can control the situation as far as how you deal with it — but that’s it. “Should” she change therapists and start exercising? “Should” your father say, “Look, get a full-time job or finish school, or you can’t stay here anymore”? Yeah, probably. But that’s on them. You can only address your own shit.
So. Stop having her house-sit; she leaves the house in revolting condition, and anyone else, you’d have called the Better Business Bureau, so generally speaking, if she’s fucking up in her relationship with you, call her on that. Encourage your father to do the same, to set some boundaries — require that she pay rent and keep her room clean, tell her she can’t live there if she doesn’t finish school, something. Tell him your opinion on that once, and drop the subject. His house, his problem.
But beyond that, as frustrating as it is, as much of a waste as it seems like, just keep reminding yourself that it isn’t your job, and stop making suggestions or trying to parent her. She’s an adult; at a certain point, she has to want to help herself, and you have to give yourself a break.
You can make it known that you’re there for her if she wants to talk, or ask advice about her c.v., or have a wingman to visit apartments, or whatever. You can try to lead by example by talking about difficult subjects, or opening up about your mother. I don’t know how close you live to her, but when you hang out, try to make it something active — a trip to the dog park or a short hike or something.
But she knows. She knows she’s flailing, she knows you think she’s flailing, she knows you have 101 suggestions, and for whatever reason — arrested development, negative attention is better than none, misery seems preferable to the unknown — she’s content to flail right now. Let her know you love her no matter what, and if she wants a hand, you’ll give it; then, as weird as it will feel, back off. She has to figure her life out; you have to understand that it doesn’t make you a bad sister to let that happen.
Tags: the fam
E, I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through.
Sars is, as par for the course, 100% right, but that doesn’t make living through it easier, nor can it. Parts of life are really long and really hard, and it may feel like shit, I’m not done with this? This is ridiculous–but no, not done yet.
Sars is very correct in that you need to find some new ways of relating to your father and sister. Your mom, her illness, and her death have been condiuits for a long, long time, and now you have to find new paths to reach each other.
If you haven’t already, I’d recommend therapy for yourself. You need someone to listen who’s truly standing on the outside of this dynamic and can offer the “hurtful” advice that loved ones don’t want to be the one to utter. And you also need a bulwark to rest on as you attempt to relate to your family in new ways, get in a huge screaming fight, panic and want to retreat to the old ways where everybody knows the rules. Not that the therapist is there to always back up everything you do–a good one calls you on your bullshit–but he/she should basically reassure you that you’re not crazy, the situation is, and you’re working on making it less so.
I also recommendd Katherine Morrison’s Acedia and Me, which is a marvelous discussion of the original “mortal sin” of not caring and indifference. It provided a vast new perspective on modern depression to me. (It is also very Catholic in nature so if that’s not your cuppa, forewarning.)
It may feel like you can only do a little about the problems in your family, and that’s true. You can only do a little about anything, really. But it’s so much better than not doing that little bit.
This advice applies to so many different familial relationships and scenarios. You nailed it again, Sars.
Hugs, E. So much of this rang so very familiar to me. I have multiple family members I could write very similar Vine letters about (and in one case, have, although that was years ago and the situation warrants a whole new one now.) Most of those situations are such that someone else is the one more entangled than I am, which gives me a little perspective, and the advice I usually give them is pretty much exactly what Sars said.
As a sibling, yes, it is your job to let your sister know that you love her and care about her and want her to do well in life, and be available to support her in appropriate ways. It is not your job to fix her, or enable her, and it is definitely not your job to feel guilty about the choices that SHE makes.
If you live nearby, extending regular offers to do something with you (i.e. get out of the house) falls under appropriate support. Maybe, if it makes sense on your end, get her to get a little more exercise (which can go a long way toward fixing several of the stated problems, most notably depression) by framing it as YOU wanting to get more exercise and needing a partner. Little things like that aren’t armchair quarterbacking her life, but just extending positive opportunities that may help springboard some other changes.
But if she doesn’t take you up on them, honestly, that’s on her. She is your adult sister, not your ward, and unless you think she’s in danger of imminently harming herself or someone else, she needs to be allowed to make her own choices. I can’t tell you how much I love Sars’s closing sentence: make it your mantra.
Good luck. You are so not alone.
Just one additional thought: I know that you said she freely admits that she’s depressed, and has trouble holding down jobs, and all of that is definitely valid reason for concern. But it’s also worth keeping in mind that some people who are naturally more introverted can appear to be depressed to extroverts who don’t understand that sitting alone in a room all day is happy and peaceful to them, and socializing is the nightmare. Obviously there’s a difference between a happy introvert and a depressed one, and I certainly agree that it sounds like your sister has some serious issues she needs to resolve. However, I’d advise making your benchmarks for assessing her life success more broad than what she does with her free time. It’ll save both of you a lot of grief if you’re not focused on changing things about her that are not actually problems. Someone with one really great friend can be just as happy or happier than someone with a vast number of friends. We are all different in what we want and need out of life. As long as SHE is happy, and not a drain on anyone else, even if her choices don’t look like any fun to you, that should be good enough.
Well, we went through this with a family member just slightly older than your sister, husband’s niece. Many things were tried without success. What it took to get her to turn around was announcing that she had 30 days to move out, period. At first she stayed with a friend and then the friend wouldn’t put up with her. She magically found a job, quit the loser boyfriend, and got an apartment with some other friends. She pays rent, is happier than anyone has ever known her, has lost weight, and is taking a lot more interest in her appearance.
My point is that for all of the excuses all of us made for her (hard childhood…many losses…health problems…loser boyfriend…maybe she’s bipolar…maybe she just needs more time…maybe if I buy her this/do this for her she’ll get motivated) it was all just enabling her to stay in the basement on the computer all night and sleep all day, shirk what little responsibility she had around the house, and keep everyone stirred up in her drama.
I think every effort should be made to get her out of the nest. If she finds her way back that’s a bridge you can cross when you come to it. But if nobody makes her go, there she’ll stay. She doesn’t have initiative, and eviction might just be the best give she can get.
Oh and definitely find a new house sitter. You deserve it.
Wow, E. I can so relate to this one. I have one sibling – a brother who is 11 years younger, and I have two parents who are struggling hard as he continues to live in their house and drain their limited finances with no future prospects at 22.
The thing is, while Sars advice is great, it is very hard in practice. And, honestly, I’m still not sure it is the “right” thing to do in the grander sense. I have practiced distancing myself a bit from my brother’s situation and recognized that if my parents continue to let him live there that is on them, not me.
HOWEVER, their counter arguments of “Where would he go?” and “How will we live with ourselves when he inevitably becomes homeless and a drug addict because we kicked him out?” are quite valid here. It may sound exaggerated, but as a person with bi-polar and ADD that medicates irregularly and is unable to hold any job for more than two weeks, it isn’t all that far-fetched that he would wind up in a dire situation quickly. He already has an addictive and abusive personality and kicking him out isn’t going to make him suddenly man-up and support himself – it is much more likely to make him give up on life completely. (An opinion that landed him a short visit to a mental ward a few months ago.)
So, while I’m trying to practice parts of the strategy outlined above in order to keep my own sanity, it comes with a lot of second-guessing and wondering what’s self-preservation and what’s simply selfish. My parents are good people and I don’t know how to support them through a bad situation that has no end in sight. Washing my hands of it doesn’t seem like the right choice, but neither does being a third parent.
Sorry – I guess I’m not really offering much advice, just sympathy. It’s a tough situation no matter which path you take.
My thoughts are with you.
E: I feel you on this one, since I dealt with a very similar situation with my younger brother a few years ago. He was 27 and had moved back in with my parents. He was very depressed, and he self-medicated by getting high every morning & night. My parents worried about him, but didn’t give him any rules or obligations (no chores, no rent, etc). Then they moved out of the country, leaving him in the house to “look after it” for 2 years, and things went to shit. Literally. The house turned into a total sty, with crusted dishes covering every single inch of counter space, and dog piss & shit LEFT ON THE FLOOR. He would wipe it with newspapers and then just leave it there. He didn’t have a job, and was just living off money left to him by our grandfather, so he literally just sat in the house all day, smoking pot and feeling more & more depressed.
As you know, it was fucking depressing for everyone.
I did everything I could – suggested job opportunities, invited him out, talked to him about my concern for his health…everything. And, as Sars pointed out, I (very slowly) learned that there’s really nothing I could do short of controlling my response to him. I sent my parents a very stern “You need to know what horrible shape [brother] is in, and I suggest you give him some rules/charge rent/do something to help him because he is seriously trashing your home” email, told my brother that I loved him and supported his choices and am happy to help him if he needs it, and then just let him work things out.
Which he didn’t really do. But it made me feel a lot better, eventually, to not let myself feel like I was responsible for him. A year later he moved overseas to live with our older brother, and got a lot of confidence from moving out of our parents’ house. He got a job and his own place, and seems much happier now. I still worry about him, but I let him do his thing.
tl;dr version: it really sucks to watch a sibling go through crippling depression. I’m sorry you have to deal with that right now. Listen to Sars – she’s right on this one. Good luck.
The other Anonymous has GREAT suggestions, first of all.
Also: based on a little cursory arithmetic and what I know about your father, am I wrong to infer that your sister was your mom’s primary caretaker during her illness? When my mom was in cancer treatment, most of the shuttling-to-appointments and helping-with-home-care fell to my younger sister, who is in her 20s and still lives at home. (I am lucky enough that Dad is supportive and Mom is now in remission, but given the number it did on my Sis — still IS doing — under the best of circumstances, I can only imagine…)
I ask because caretakers endure their own special kind of hell, and while you still can’t make her go to therapy, maybe you can speak with a specialist about it — and about what support, if any, you can offer.
As a (former, now controlled) depressed person myself, I’m less able to offer suggestions from the point of view of the helper, but maybe I can offer some suggestions as to what she might respond to? I can definitely say that in the throes of depression, nothing made me shut down faster than bossing and ultimatums (especially from people who weren’t my parents) – because it felt like, DUH, do you think I don’t know I have a problem? Do you think I enjoy the way I feel, the way I’m living? Thanks for pointing out that I ought to get out of bed and get a job! I hadn’t thought of that; I’ll do that now!
What helped me immensely was people (usually my mom, sometimes my sister) who were willing to sit down with me, patiently, and work out little step-by-step plans for doing those things that seem so overwhelming when you’re depressed, like helping me fill out a job application, or making me a doctor’s appointment, or taking me to look at apartments. Gradually I could do all those things by myself, but I needed someone to help me get started and give me the confidence that they could happen, because you might think “she’s an adult, she can handle this” and she might be feeling really embarrassed and ashamed that she can’t. A little positivity and support and faith in me went a lot farther than evictions and threats of being cut off. I don’t know if that will help your sister at all, or if you’re equipped to offer her that level of help, but it might be worth a shot.
I have to second much of Roo’s comments myself. I, too, had depression for much of my life. I was pretty high-functioning compared to your sister and I put on a pretty good act for almost everyone I knew, but I just wanted to be dead for about a decade because I felt so worthless and really believed that everyone who cared about me would be better off if I was gone. Only I was so depressed that I couldn’t even muster the energy to off myself, and part of me knew that my folks would never really get over it. I was certain that I had no future, and I didn’t even care. That’s some heavy shit right there, but that’s how that particular sickness screws with minds. That fucking disease dragged me down in ways that I didn’t fully realize until much later. Even now that I am in recovery (six years now, knock wood), and doing much better, I can’t help but think of myself as lucky–because sometimes that’s all it was that kept me alive.
When I was sick, I knew what I had to do. I knew I needed to clean my apartment. I knew I needed to do my work, run those errands, write that paper, buy groceries, lose weight, eat better, etc., etc., etc. Having someone tell me that was not helpful. I told myself that stuff all the time. I knew I was failing and that anyone who really knew what was going on with me would know that I was a failure, too. But all of those things seemed so overwhelming. Even small tasks seemed overwhelming. If I could manage to get up and shower and get dressed, it took all of the effort I could muster for the whole damn day. Things that should absolutely have been within my power to handle just…weren’t, and it was baffling and frustrating. I couldn’t open up to the people who loved me the most or even to people who knew me. Finally, a friend I barely knew that I had urged me, and I got into therapy, found THE RIGHT THERAPIST, and he helped me. I got on THE RIGHT MEDS, and suddenly was able to do things. My therapist helped me accomplish things, step-by-step at first, and then he showed me how I could accomplish things by myself. Meanwhile, the meds helped me sleep and focus and even stopped the excruciating darkness inside my mind that I could not control by myself. And I got better from there, step by step. It took a while, though. About two years before I made really significant, on-my-own progress.
If your sister is agreeing with you on certain tasks and goals that she needs to accomplish and not following through, it’s probably because she can’t follow through. I’d say she needs lots of therapy and possibly some medication. She might not have the right therapist right now. Or she might be downplaying a lot of this in her sessions. Either way, I don’t know if you want to be the one to take that on, but she won’t get better on her own. That’s not how this works.
And now that I’ve said all that, I want to share this, too: If I were you, I don’t know if I could step in and be who she needs right now. Having battled this disease myself, I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I felt. But I also know that this disease can grab at people and drag others down. I don’t want that to happen to you, and with everything you’re dealing with and the relatively recent loss of your mother and the odd family dynamics, I am concerned that you might take on too much responsibility that isn’t yours and end up with some pain that you can’t bear and shouldn’t try to. So I second the suggestion that you get into therapy yourself. It is hard at first. And awkward. I’m a pretty private person, and it was really difficult for me. But once you find a good therapist, s/he can work with you and help you to interact with your sister in ways that might help both of you. And along the way, a good therapist will help you with these underlying things, too–family stuff and your relationships. Please give it a try.
Having been there myself, I strongly recommend taking your concerns about her computer time out of the equation. What do people do on the computer? Work, play, and socialize. You said yourself you think she should socialize more, and play that she enjoys is good for someone with depression (as opposed to being unable to get enjoyment out of life.) Even if it isn’t solving her failure to launch, her computer time is positive. She’s quietly staying out of everyone’s way and doing something that gives her pleasure. Why try to get her to stop doing what gives her pleasure in favour of putting on a show for you going through the motions of doing what you think should be giving her pleasure?
I’d like to second everything Roo said, especially “because you might think “she’s an adult, she can handle this” and she might be feeling really embarrassed and ashamed that she can’t.” This is exactly how I’m feeling right now, in the midst of depression. I know my family means well and that they care, but it’s not helping me to hear that all I need to do is fill out applications, turn in resumes, make follow up calls, etc. when sometimes it feels like too much just thinking about brushing my teeth. My favorite quote of all time, from Hyperbole and a Half: “But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn’t going to work.”
There’s a 11-year difference between my brother and me. Our relationship veered wildly between my being his mom and being his sister and being his friend. This complexity did not help things when my brother was living with my parents and was hugely depressed. I tried to get him into treatment, I sent him a list of therapists with sliding scale, I tried to get him to see a doctor for depression meds, I tried to get my parents to stop enabling him, I refused to loan him money. I got pissy about his ignoring all my suggestions and limited my contact with him. He committed suicide.
So, I don’t know anymore. Getting all tough love with depression is a pretty scary proposition. On the other hand, I didn’t do anything wrong and he did need those things. You can only draw boundaries and tell them you love them. Be sure to detach with love and not with frustration that they are not doing what you want them to do.
And Al-Anon might help you, even when alcohol is not the problem.
Here’s another argument for scaling back, besides your own sanity: when someone is depressed and someone else wants to help, it’s tempting for that someone else to try to remake the depressed person in their own image. I’ve been on both sides of that dynamic – it sucks.
Your sister isn’t you (duh), and her definition of “success” might not match yours. Establishing guidelines for what you won’t tolerate preserves your peace of mind AND gives her leeway to figure out how she wants things to be for herself.
Does Dad need Sister for help in his daily life (cooking, chores, company, driving errands, ect.)? I have a similar ‘failure to launch’ situation in my family, that is compounded by some co-dependency: even though the kid needs to leave, the parent doesn’t really want to let them go…
My sympathy goes out to all who have suffered depression themselves or who have close friends or family who have (I count myself in both groups!). While I would not say I’m “cured,” I’m feeling the best I have in a long time, thanks to a combination of CBT, meds, and exercise.
I’m very intrigued by the commenters who say they needed some hand-holding to do the things they knew they needed to do. I currently have a roommate who, while I’m not sure she’s depressed, exactly, is certainly in a state of arrested development. No ultimatums have been issued (yet), but there has been much shouting and feeling like I’m the parent of a teenager. Perhaps I should try sitting down with her and seeing if she’s willing to let me help her get health insurance and schedule doctor’s appointments and the like . . .
Best of luck to all.
This is E, the letter writer. Thank you so so much everyone. Since I wrote the letter, just a few weeks ago in fact, my sister and I spent the day together (museum, lunch, wandering around the city) and had one of the more open talks we’ve ever had. Being honest about our parents and our feelings about them bridged a gap between us. To answer a few people:
“Also: based on a little cursory arithmetic and what I know about your father, am I wrong to infer that your sister was your mom’s primary caretaker during her illness?”
Not primary, no. My father retired early to take care of my mom. My sister had a huge part in taking care of her, of course, as did I, and it really was a group effort toward the end, but I would say my Dad shouldered most of the burden. I think it was this process that snapped him out of his own inner world, honestly.
@Roo/Ang/all the anonymouses: Thank you SO MUCH for the personal stories, it helps in ways I can’t express. I have been through a more mild depression before (in the period right after my mom died) and I do know that other people can’t really “motivate” you out of it, that is part of why I feel so lost about Sister. I really like the ideas of just hanging out with her more, inviting her to spend time with me out and about, talking. I am currently in therapy (have been for about 5 months). It is hard, it is also illuminating. But boy: hard. My sister is not currently in therapy. Part of the issue is that she can’t afford it herself. She says that she really feels like she needs to be on medication, but she can’t afford a therapist OR medication.
@Yet another temporarily anonymous: I agree, and I haven’t mentioned computer time to her at all. My dad probably has but that’s between the two of them. I haven’t really done anything in regards to telling her what NOT to do, because that isn’t productive and I don’t want to be that person to her. I listed that stuff in my letter mostly to describe the situation to Sars and the readers, and to vent a little, but not because I need to “fix” her computer time.
@Sherri: I’m so so sorry. That is my nightmare. You have my deepest sympathies.
@Lindsey: my dad pretty firmly wants her to leave. I think he is torn because they have had such a tumultuous relationship that he is being easier on her than he should be. I honestly do think he should give her 30 days or something. Even before my mom died, she has always been a bit of a “taker” – she has a higher sense of entitlement than I ever did, and takes living rent free/bill free etc for granted in a way that I don’t. I hope that doesn’t sound judgey – she once asked me (years and years ago) if I had any “extra money”. (What is that? I’ve never had that). I think if she had to get her shit together she would, but my Dad is confused about how to go about that because he is scared of her hating him, which she….kinda does. Urgh. And you know what? Like Sars said above, basically, not my problem. That’s their dynamic, I’m happy to do what I can to make my dynamic with my sister positive and healthy and with boundaries.
Anyway. THANK YOU everyone, and hugs and support to those of you who have experience with depression and depressed siblings/family.
E,
I’m glad things are getting a little better. I know you’re still trying to define your boundaries with Sister, but re: her inability to afford therapy or medication, could you discuss with her (if the subject comes up) available low-cost options? Healthcare is expensive, obviously, but there are therapists who charge on a sliding scale, and depending on Sister’s income, she may be eligible for Medicaid or a similar program. Of course, this is yet another thing she has to decide for herself that she wants.
I wanted to suggest that you look into NAMI. National alliance on mental illness. They have a program called family to family that is basically a support group/education for family members dealing with mental illnesses. It is free, and you can go to their website to see if a class is offered in your area. They can usually help you with questions like how to best support your family member dealing with the illness. There are also classes/support for the person with the mental illness too, so if your sister were so inclined she could find some support that is free, but your sister doesn’t have to be involved for you to go to the family to family classes.
Elyse, your sister sounds a lot like where I was a few years ago. I’ve dealt on-and-off with depression for most of my life, and my family situation changed irreparably more than a decade ago. I thought at the time that I was dealing with everything okay, but after several years of sabotaging myself and blaming it on my depression, I realized that I’d never quite gotten over what had happened. I stayed there, emotionally, even though everyone else had been able to move on. Realizing that I had never quite gotten over it, and realizing that I was absolutely pissed that everyone else had, was one of the hardest things I’ve done. It’s also been the most beneficial, and although I’m not totally put-together, I’ve made a lot of progress. I hope the same happens for your sister.
I’m really sorry that you’re having to deal with this. A lot of city/county programs will offer counseling at a reduced cost. Alternatively, if there’s a university in your area with a psychology program, they’ll usually offer free or reduced cost counseling. And if you’re religious, churches or other establishments sometimes do the same. There are a lot of resources out there, although they may be difficult to find.
My family and I don’t have the same dynamics/history as above, but one boundary my mom did set when we were older (early 20s) and moved back into her place was: If you’re in college, you don’t have to pay rent. If you are not in college, you pay rent. Granted, we weren’t dealing with what this family is dealing with but perhaps the father can start with a boundary like that. Instead of “Get up and get out!” he could start small with that – go back to school or start paying rent. And I definitely second Sars’ advice not to let little sister house sit anymore. It’s just plain rude (and gross) to go to someone else’s house and leave it looking like crap.
E, I have one sort of basic suggestion. If your sister hasn’t had a physical in a while, she should get one, the full boat. There are many medical diseases (particularly thyroid and other endocrine stuff) that cause or can manifest as depression. Even if that’s not the case for your sister, a good doctor might be able to work with her on the exercise and weight issues, which could help.
Best of luck, I hope your family gets through this together.
I’m so glad that the hanging out is going well, and is a good way for you to relate with your sister positively. I’m sure that is really good for both of you.
I just wanted to add that I agree with Amy about the “college or rent–pick one” proposal being a good start for your dad without being a super mean ultimatum. My little brother is 14 years younger than I am (hello, all of you who share that weird parent/sibling/friend relationship that can be so hard to navigate!) and is currently a freshman in college living at home. He’s also got some legitimate diagnosed issues (basically in the Asperger’s realm) that complicate his ability to live on his own, AND the typical entitled 18 year old malaise, which makes everything extra fun and complicated.
This last semester he was only enrolled in two classes, and all of the parents FREAKED OUT and it was a big giant awful mess for a few days but eventually everyone settled on “That doesn’t count. Enroll full time or get a job, or you can move out. Period, full stop.” And you know what? Despite all the hand-wringing and excuse-making, once he realized they were serious and had a valid point (that he couldn’t just live rent free in their house and do nothing) he enrolled in two more classes and shut up about it. Sometimes the tough love thing IS scary (and Sherri, I can’t tell you how much my heart goes out to you–your situation is a specter for all of us dealing with troubled and drifting loved ones.) but sometimes people do need a bit of a push to make changes. College or job is a good way to push without shoving, if you know what I mean.
Quick thoughts;
Yes, Sister need a very through medical exam. Where are the low cost medical clinics in your area and/ or is Dad willing to put her on his insurance? Some anti depressants might be a huge help. This might be one of those tasks you could help with.
Family therapy could be very helpful. Everybody go in and talk to the therapist first about your mom ( I’m so sorry) and secondly about developing a plan for sis. 30 days seems way too short to me, Maybe 90 or 120… Family therapy is usually very goal oriented and more short term than individual therapy. ( I am one)
There is something to be said for telling her “I’m trying hard not to nag you.” Because she may be very used to your sugestions and intepret them as love. If you stop nagging suddenly with no explination, she may feeel very abandoned. You can clearly explain, “this isn’t my place, I’m trying to stop, but I love you & am here if you need me.”
I think regular contact with her – a once a week lunch and a walk, is a great idea. Give her something that she can count on.
This is very hard, I’m so sorry.
And Sherri, sometime you do everything and it’s not enough. You have my deepest sympathies.
I second the advice about an eviction deadline. When I was 20, my mom kicked me out after a break from college that devolved into computer time/sleeping. She gave me 6 months to move out: 3 months to make a decision on what to do and 3 months to do it.
Sure, I waited 2 months 3 weeks and 5 days to decide what to do, but it was the best and most peaceful way to make the transition. She gave me more time (than 30 days) because she wanted to make sure I would get where I needed to go.
Plus, she forbid me from ever moving back in with her. Another good idea, lol. I’m actually a very driven, responsible person, but I was funneling all that energy into how I played video games… go figure!