The Vine: April 10, 2013
My husband and I have been married for three years and have a baby on the way. We have a recurring issue in our relationship that I would really like to resolve with finality.
I work a traditional nine-to-five job whereas he works long, unpredictable hours. It’s annoying and inconvenient to not know when to expect him home, but I’ve adjusted to it for the most part. The problem is that sometimes he likes to go out after work with friends or co-workers and not tell me that he is doing so. If he still gets home at a half-decent hour I won’t know the difference.
As long as he thinks I won’t know the difference he will just pretend (by omission) that he worked later than he actually did. Sometimes I find out about these occasions a day or so later because I will see a debit-card transaction from a bar or restaurant post to our checking account.
Other times, he comes home late enough that it is obvious he didn’t come straight from work. I will wake up at 2 AM, 3 AM, sometimes later, and he won’t be home and there will be no phone call or text message from him. This will jar me awake and I will immediately try to call and/or send him a text. More often than not he will be unreachable. Sometimes his phone will go straight to voicemail and his excuse later will be that the battery died, or I will call multiple times hoping he will answer or call back (I don’t leave voicemails because he doesn’t listen to them), and/or I send him multiple texts that will go unanswered for an hour or two or more.
We have had many, many arguments as well as rational discussions on this topic. We’ve come to an agreement (more than once) on proper going-out etiquette; conclusion being that if he is not coming straight home he will let me know what he’s doing. And if he’s going to be later than expected he will update me, even (especially) if it is an hour where I might be sleeping because the waking up alone and ignorant is the worst part about the situation. I believe that a rational person might have legitimate reason to worry about their spouse’s safety in a situation like that. Unfortunately for me, it has happened so many times that I don’t doubt he’s just safely enjoying himself without regard for my feelings or peace of mind.
Let me clarify exactly how I feel about this behavior. First, I acknowledge that I have developed an insecure attachment relationship to my husband. Like a neglected child, I am deeply hurt that he chooses to spend his precious and rare free time with other people while I am home alone, probably bored, just wondering when he will get home. I know this sometimes manifests itself in the tone of my late-night text messaging or next-day arguments. I know it is unfair to want him to spend all of his free time with me, so as long as he lets me in on his plans and those plans are reasonable I am very nice about it.
I also have a problem trusting him in general because I know he is habitually deceitful in this way, and has been occasionally deceitful in other smaller ways that are technically water-under-the-bridge issues. But, you know, trust isn’t quickly or easily repaired.
Lastly, and less importantly, this is a little bit about money management. He will easily spend $40 on an average night out all by himself. Meanwhile I’m packing leftovers or sandwiches for lunch because I’m trying to be frugal.
This is something that has been going on since the very beginning of our relationship, but it didn’t used to happen all that often. The last several months it has become more and more frequent. I am tired of having the same argument over and over and hearing him promise to behave differently only to go through it again. With a baby due in six weeks this makes me even more angry and impatient. I want this to be a time of solidarity in our relationship and he is undermining that. It has occurred to me that the increased frequency of this behavior could be related to the anticipation of the baby and all of the responsibility that entails. I still expect him to act like an adult and in the best interest of our family. And this isn’t a new problem since the pregnancy so we still need to resolve it because I have no confidence that it will pass.
Wise friend, I obviously don’t know what to do. In my sleepless nights I think of doing things like locking him out or turning the tables and disappearing for a while. These are extreme actions that sound like punishment. I think these are bad ideas. But I’m out of good ideas.
“It” happened earlier this week and he decided he isn’t sorry. After trying to reach him beginning at 2:30 AM he sent me a text at 3:20 saying, among other things, “I will be home when I get home.” This sent me reeling and I got up and locked the deadbolts for which we do not carry keys. At 4:30 I saw that his car was still not in the driveway. The car was there when I got up for work at 6 AM and I assume he was sleeping in it. We haven’t talked since.
His mother is visiting this weekend and I have packed a bag to stay with my mom for the weekend so I don’t have to pretend to be loving toward him in front of his mother. He thinks I’m overreacting.
Sorry for the length. Please sign me
Just Tired
Dear Tired,
I have questions, but unfortunately I don’t think the answers matter. I mean, what “other things”? What exactly is on the “bar or restaurant” tabs? What does he do for a living; is he just telling you he can’t predict his work schedule? Because from where I sit, and I’m really sorry that this is my theory but I’m just going to rip the Band-Aid off here, the only explanations for the Tony Soprano hours (and matching attitude) besides that he actually is a Mafia capo? 1. He’s an addict or 2. he’s sleeping with someone else(s).
But as I said, the “why” is irrelevant here. The “what” is that he doesn’t want to come home, he doesn’t give a shit that that upsets you, and he’s got you making excuses for him like it’s your fault or the baby’s. Sure, dudes freak out about an impending child and whether they can handle it, but you said yourself that this might explain the “increasing frequency,” not the behavior itself, which is ongoing — and more to the point, you said that. He didn’t. If that’s the case, why wouldn’t he trust his wife and the mother of his child enough to just say so, instead of having yet another fight about why he’s not answering his goddamn phone at 3 in the morning? And: your wife is pregnant, guy. You keep the phone on, and when it rings, you answer it.
Unless, of course, you’re in the middle of some sketch transaction behind the bar or restaurant having to do with narcotics or maybe not being straight.
I know you want it to be true that he’s just having some beers with friends to unwind, that his battery really did die, that he’s coping with the pressures of imminent fatherhood and it’ll take care of itself — and again, I don’t know how often it happens, and if it’s only every two weeks, maybe it isn’t an issue, I don’t know. But even if it is that he has a stressful job and daddy anxiety, his coping skills give you stress and anxiety, and he refuses to change them. More likely, he’s doing something he doesn’t want you to know about, and I have to tell you, the whole “well maybe if you weren’t so clingy” line of reasoning is classic junkie projection. He’s trained you not just to accept his shit-heel behavior, but to give consequences for it only to yourself.
…Enh-enh. Can’t continue; won’t continue. The whole situation is shitty and unfair, and terrifying, and you don’t deserve it, but sugar-free, he’s already abandoned your little family emotionally. The worst that could happen has, really, already happened, and I think once you accept that, as horrible as it is, you’ll feel relieved. No more “what if”s, just “what’s next”s, and at this point, with a baby coming, you don’t have the luxury of waiting around for him to do better (and he won’t). Enough reacting; it’s time to act, for yourself and Tired Jr.
Stay with your mom for a while, if you can. Inform your husband that you’ve had it. You don’t know why he’s lying and avoiding you, you don’t know why he can’t show you some consideration or charge his phone, but you don’t care why; you’re done. He’s had enough chances, and this isn’t a negotiation. And it really shouldn’t be — the idea here isn’t to force his hand, or scare him into compliance, but to really be done and accept that you can’t count on this person, emotionally or otherwise.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, I really am. But it’s happening, so take control of it, now, before the baby arrives and you’re too exhausted to call him on his shit. And it’s shit, make no mistake, so: scoop and flush, lady.
Tags: boys (and girls) kids
I agree with all the things said above, including the fact that best-case scenario, that guy is a first-class asshole. But this story reminds me SO MUCH of a family member who was married to – surprise! – someone who worked in the restaurant industry. It turned out he was both an addict and a serial adulterer, and just an all-round awful human being. He hid his activities for a long time by taking out secret credit cards and using cash he hid from her. Ultimately, she had to throw him out she told her therapist that their daughter, who was about 5 at the time, had found cocaine he left on the coffee table and tasted it, thinking it was candy. The therapist told her she either had to leave or force him to leave right away, because otherwise she was legally required to report the incident to CPS. She suddenly had a 5-year-old and a 1-year-old to raise on her own, but she eventually realized that always had been the case.
Save yourself some grief in the long run and throw the bum out today.
Doesn’t sound like addiction to me, just a dude who’d rather hang out with his bros and drink than come home and deal with the wife and (upcoming) kid. Advice is still sound, though, he’s gone emotionally so make him gone physically.
I have to echo what was said above. The best case scenario, unfortunately, is that he’s just a self-absorbed douchenozzle with no regard for your feelings. I can see how in his industry, there might be more of a culture of afterparties, but the fact is that you’re not being unreasonable, you’re not demanding that he never goes out with his friends, you’re just wanting him to share his plans with you and let you know if he’s going to be out late. That does not sound like an unreasonable request that comes from insecurity. Even if he is not having an affair or has an addiction problem, the fact that he would lie to you with no hesitation and make you feel like you’re insecure for wanting him to tell you the truth is creepy and gross.
Ferretrick said it best above: “The whole time I was reading the letter, I was like, you know he’s cheating on you, right?” Not coming home from work + charges from restaurants and bars that he won’t come clean about + evading the truth and making you feel insecure for questioning him = he is hiding something from you.
First of all, I’m so sorry this is happening to you, and especially with a baby on the way. There’s so much good advice here for you already, but I just want to let you know I’ve been there and I know how badly it sucks and how hard it is not to blame yourself. My situation was not quite as hard since there were no children involved, but it was similar.
What struck me in particular when I was reading your letter were the ways in which he’s conditioned you to think this is your fault. It isn’t. I got the same “clingy” lecture from my partner when she started staying out all night with a friend. When I would call or text over and over because it was 3 am and I had no idea where she was, she would get angry and call me needy. In actuality, she was cheating on me but didn’t like me making her feel guilty about it (and incidentally, we had been together for 6 years, and she never had such disregard for my feelings until she was cheating).
I know it hurts. It hurts to feel disregarded and unwanted and disrespected, and you just think “maybe there’s something I could do differently to make him stop doing this,” but you can’t. There isn’t anything you can do to make this change because you didn’t cause this.
He has already mentally checked out of your relationship, and the best and kindest thing you can do for yourself and your child is to put an end to it. If you absolutely need to try to save your marriage, at least stay with your mom or a friend for a while and put some distance in between the two of you. If he still loves you and cares about your marriage, he will understand and agree to work on things or go to counseling. If he continues to be a douchebag and/or refuses counseling, you have your answer and can move on.
I think everyone has already given you the answer. I just want to send you a hug and a little love and support. This is supposed to be a happy and hopeful time for you. Lean on your family and our friends, rejoice in your baby, and have confidence in yourself. You will get through this. You can do it.
And… With baby in mind, keep in mind that whatever you are feeling now, immediately post baby it will be magnified 100 times. You will be an emotional mess. It’s ok. Don’t feel bad if you spend a few days in utter exhausted wreck mode. But don’t let it go long. Post partum depression is vicious. Enlist someone now to officially watch out for your well beng. The hormones are crazy enough without adding on the grief for this broken relationship. Get your support team geared up now, so they will be there without you having to ask. and, when it comes to asking – ask for help, early and often, and don’t feel any shame or guilt about it.
Your goal is healthy mom, healthy baby, right? Focus on that for the next few weeks. Take care of yourself. You and baby come first.
Lots of love. You can do this.
I think this part of the letter explains everything: “We haven’t talked since.”
This guy leaves ALL of the responsibility for this relationship on your doorstep. He lifts not one finger. Not even when, while not talking, his child could be being born.
Doesn’t matter that he’s a chef, although I get the food-service lifestyle thing. The salient point here is that he’s a self-centered ass who does not give one shit about your well-being if it involves any effort on his part at all. That’s not a partner. Kick his ass OUT. Get some friends to pack his shit and leave it in the driveway.
I’m sorry. It’s harsh, and it sucks, but as others have said: you’re already dealing with the hardest part. Take care, and best wishes for you and your new baby.
And just to be clear, he should be the one doing the talking at this point, if he gave a damn. He’s the one who should apologize, and beg forgiveness, and propose concrete changes in how he behaves, etc. He’s the one who should be showing an interest in the future of his family, rather than snubbing you when you could be calling to let him know you’re in labor. In your shoes, I wouldn’t want to talk to him either. Just wanted to clarify what I meant above — if he really wanted to work this out, he’s be saying something at this point. The fact that you’re not talking to him makes total sense.
On the rare occasions I come on here it’s normally to take the guy’s side. Even things up a bit.
Not this time, though. DTMFA. In essence he’s already left you. All you’d be doing is formalising it.
Oh, Tired. You have my sympathy. This guy is, at BEST, a selfish bastard. DTMFA.
One other tiny piece of advice – keep notes with dates (or on a calendar) of his behavior/statements. This will bolster your case when it comes time for the divorce. It will come in handy, both for your attorney and for when you think you might change your mind: read it and get righteously angry all over again, as we all are on your behalf.
What a sad story.
When I was reading this letter, one phrase stuck out: “I know he is habitually deceitful…”. From that point, the rest of the letter is almost irrelevant. If you can’t trust your spouse, your marriage is already over — all you have left is what you’ve become used to, and you state pretty clearly that you don’t want any more of that.
Please take the awesome financial advice above, and do it today. — years ago I worked as a bank teller, and more than once saw a husband or wife clean out a joint account. Make sure your untrustworthy spouse has no access to any of your assets before you let him know this split is real.
If you can’t do this for yourself, do it for your kid. Do you want him or her to grow up thinking that it’s okay or normal to lie to one’s partner? Good luck.
I second everything Not my real name has said a million times over. Why? Because I went through the exact same thing, although I kicked out my now-ex eight weeks before giving birth.
The thing that really pinged my radar is the fact that he lies to you about little things. My ex did this constantly, about things that he knew I would catch, things that might not seem big, except for the fact that he lied in the first place. This is such a red flag.
Fortunately, I have a strong support system and have made it though relatively unscathed, after a lot of therapy. It will be tough, but move out (or kick him out, especially if you own your residence because it’s easier in the long run with the courts) NOW, before the birth. Then don’t contact him. It’s a lot less stressful, and you need to conserve your energy for the child who is about to arrive.
He’s not going to change, period, no matter how much you want him to. He’ll only change if he wants to, and it does not sound as though he will.
Words cannot even express how sorry I am that this is happening to you.
I think there are two things here.
1. Your husband isn’t good people.
2. He doesn’t care about you enough.
It’s not that he doesn’t know he should call in– he doesn’t care enough to. I am very sorry for that. At this point, it doesn’t matter whether or not he loves you, he doesn’t love you enough not to hurt you.
He’s also gaslighting you by treating you like you’re the crazy and unreasonable one here, which he’s doing probably at least partly because he knows he’s in the wrong and really likes it more when you are. Shifting it so that it’s not his actions that are the problem, but your reactions, which… no. Not just that he doesn’t care enough about you not to hurt you, but he also prioritises his own comfort over your welfare.
Like some others above, I could have written this letter. Ex-hubby is a restaurant manager (I even worked in the industry pre-kids) and would use the excuse of “work”, “bonding time” and all that to avoid coming home to me and our then 3-year old while I was pregnant with our 2nd child. You see – avoiding our issues was better than facing me and my trying to work them out.
To be fair, after I walked out, he did try and he did own up to his asshat behavior but it was far, far too late. And I think it’s far too late for your chef to do that now.
Hie thee to a therapist now – he has made you (as my ex did me) fully believe you not only DESERVE this treatment, but that it’s the way couples interact. It is not. Committed partners are sure to let you know about schedule changes and are even compassionate and kind. It took me about 7 years to learn all that and to learn to expect that for myself. I now have a partner who is those things – when I expressed disbelief to my BFF of 20 years, she sweetly said that most people are treated with kindness. Tired, you are not being treated with kindness.
And you want your child to see you treated with kindness. My now 14-year old sees more of his dad now than he ever did when we were married.
Sorry this was so long – I just hate to see anyone suffer under the beliefs I did for so long. Hope this helps!
I feel really bad, Tired, because you are getting some harsh truths here from Sars and the commenters. And even though his behavior is shitty–unquestionably–this is a man you love (or once loved) so that’s got to hurt.
He may be a horrible person, or he may feel so guilty that he is cheating/an addict/avoiding home for some other reason that he is deflecting that guilt towards you. Or maybe he’s just really emotionally immature. I’m inclined to agree with what MinglesMommy said on the previous page: I can’t help wondering if he’s just waiting for you to do the work of kicking him out so he doesn’t have to do it himself. Which is classic immature break-up procedure.
I think it’s true that your relationship with this man is over. You don’t trust him and he doesn’t respect your feelings. It doesn’t mean he’s a bastard. (Again: he could be. He’s acting like one. But he doesn’t have to be.) He could even grow up to be a respectable partial-custody father to your child. I think that’s your best-case scenario. But you both need to cut ties, because things are not going to get better while you are together.
So sorry this is happening to you.
Man, this sounds like a sucky situation. Seconding what everyone else has said about reaching out to your support system, like your mom, and making sure you have a “you-only” financial plan. I hope things look up for you soon.
Tired, I’m so sorry this is happening to you, exactly as it happened to my sister and her two special-needs children. And I am sorry that telling you the truth about your husband will hurt you, but it is the truth and you must hear it. As soon as you can bear to, you have to get out of this situation, because shortly you’re going to have a tiny human completely dependent on you. Get the money lined up, your paycheck and anything for the baby goes into a separate account, today. Get a good lawyer (your job may be able to help with this, if you don’t know anyone). Stay with your mom while his visits, but then go back to the house, throw him out, change the locks and serve him with a separation agreement. Please know that we’re all pulling for you. Take care of yourself and your baby, because the one thing you know is that he won’t.
I know this is over a day old (ancient on the internet!) and there are already 60+ comments on this, so who knows if you’re still reading…but as a relatively new mom I just wanted to give you some virtual support for what you’re about to go through. All this would be hard enough to navigate if it was just the two of you, but the fact that you’re about to go through labor and the first few months of raising a baby…shit. Move in with your mom and just BE there. Maybe it’s not a long-term solution, maybe you’ll work things out with your husband, who knows. But the first few months of raising a baby is a crazy, overwhelming, emotional shitshow (literally!), and you really need to give yourself space to do it well. Put yourself and your baby first. Your body is going to go a little nuts, your sleep patterns will disappear completely, you’re going to have a tiny little human with tiny little fingers (oh man, maybe I need another one) and this little human will need you like no one else ever has. You won’t have the time and definitely won’t have the energy to deal with your husband’s bullshit. And you shouldn’t have to. Talk to your mom, agree on a set period of time to live there while you adjust to being a mom, and deal with this guy you’re married to later. You don’t deserve this added stress when things are about to get so fucking real.
Tired,
I’m guessing that when you wrote your letter you were hoping for some honest feedback, but I’m also just as sure that you might not have been expecting quite the torrent of “leave him” messages.
I’m sorry – I’m guessing you might be reeling right now from all these comments. However, please know that all of us are trying to help you as best we can through the interwebs since we can’t help you face-to-face.
It’s true, we don’t know you personally. We don’t know your husband personally. And it’s also true that some of our comments might be modified – slightly – if we actually knew you.
Unfortunately, every commenter here…is right. Based on what you’ve told us, this marriage is already over. I had a bad, bad marriage in my 20s. I didn’t know it was bad. I assumed that it was normal or at least that I was at fault if it wasn’t. He appeared to the world like a good guy, but he wasn’t. For the past 12 years I’ve been in a very good marriage. It’s a world of difference. We have our own interests, but we WANT to be together to enjoy things – even dumb things like watching Jeopardy together.
You don’t have a good marriage if what you’ve said is accurate and enough information. You just might not have realized it yet.
But it ISN’T YOUR FAULT that he’s a douchenozzle.
However, raising a child in this environment and allowing that child to see his/her father treat Mom this way WILL be your fault if you allow it. So please don’t allow it.
I’m so sorry for your pain right now. I really am because I’ve felt it. And I thought it might be the end of the world when it happened to me. Guess what? It’s absolutely not. Things will only get better from here, even with a baby on your own. You can be the mistress of your own destiny. It’s not easy at first. But every step you take toward your own independence is a step toward treating yourself as you should be treated.
@NotMyRealName listed some really good ideas, in order, that you need to think about right away. Please let us know if we can help you with more specifics. We’re pulling for you. Please let us know how it’s going.
My soon-to-be ex-husband is a musician (necessitating some late-night going out during the week) and an addict (booze and weed), and HE still always called home when he was going to be out unexpectedly late. It’s the asshole, not the addict, that’s the problem.
Oh sweetie, I so, so feel for you. Like so many others, I could have written this letter. I just knew he was in the hospitality game the moment you said about the working hours etc etc. BUT, in reality, that’s irrelevant. Hospitality gives people like this a great excuse to hide behind the industry. It won’t get better. I am so sorry to say that, but….it won’t. This is who he is. Go to your mum’s. OK, there’s always the chance that this will be the point where he realises, but please don’t count on it.
I left my husband a month ago after 7 years of this. It was 6 years too much waiting, begging, pleading for him to change.
(And thanks, everyone, your comments really helped me. An unintended good consequence.)
Just want to say that you sound like a badass mofo, my friend, for being pregnant and handling your shit while your co-pilot is acting like an infant with the vices of a frat boy. My brother-in-law’s wife just had a baby, and he was there 24/7 taking care of her because being pregnant is HARD. He was helping her do stuff and making her feel as good as possible because much of her energy was being used up trying to compose another person inside her. Yeah. Your body is making another person inside it. That’s incredible. It’s exhausting. It’s hard. And you’re doing it not just alone, but while trying to deal with his bullshit. I am so, so sorry you have to deal with him, but it’s clear that once you’ve lost the baggage of his bullshit behavior, you’re going to fly high. Because simply by recognizing that something is happening, by being brave enough to lock him out (*high five*) and refusing to entirely let his gaslighting, abusive, manipulative behavior climb inside your skull until there’s so little of you left that you don’t even see it anymore, you are proving yourself to be unusually resilient.
And your brain is like SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG. Your brain is warning to you escape, now, before you have to do it with a crying, flailing infant. Listen to your brain. There is no doubt in my mind that you wrote this letter to at the behest of your brain, so that it could send you a message (via Sars + these comments). So that you could give yourself permission to do what you want to do–what you should do, what you know you can do, what you want to do. Fuck that dude. You are way, way, WAY too good for him. Way too good. He’s a creeper and an abuser and you are awesome enough to know it, even if you’ve been reluctant to recognize your obvious superiority over him for so long. Fuck that noise.
@heatherkay – “It’s the asshole, not the addict, that’s the problem.” I like that so much I swear I want to put it on a pillow or something.
I’m just over 2 weeks from my due date, with a supportive partner, blah blah blah awesomecakes. And it’s HARD. I have other kids, so I know it’s only going to get harder (and easier – you’ll be able to tie your own shoes again soon!). You don’t deserve this schmidt at this point in your pregnancy, and the others are right – it’s NOT YOUR FAULT!
Maybe I’m projecting here, but I have some of your same patterns of self-blame thinking: “billions of other women have been pregnant before and been just fine, so why is this so hard for me/why am I so needy?” Because billions of other pregnant women have had a hard time and have been needy. You’re not failing to live up to “The Sistahood” by wanting your husband around (ever, but especially at 34 weeks!). You don’t have an “insecure attachment,” you’re committed to your husband and want him to be committed to you. Stop making excuses for him.
I can’t advise you on the mechanics of leaving him/divorce. I can say that you’re going to want your mom around as your due date approaches and after the baby’s born. Lean on her (and sisters/aunts/friends). And good luck with your delivery!
I’m so sorry, Tired. This sucks.
I echo everyone else. Get out. Get him out of your life.
Yes, it “should” be him who moves out – but you know what? Take (yet another) hit and be the mature one and just get out even though it’ll be harder for you than him.
You deserve support and a respectful relationship. You don’t deserve this shit.
And your child deserves a mother who is treated well and supported.
You can make it through this chnage. The Nation is rooting for you.
Toddlers have insecure attachments. What you have is someone who fails to live up to the tenets of marriage, mainly that you’re in this together. I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but I can’t fathom putting up with my husband being late coming home without a phone call, because he always calls, and does it of his own volition, because he knows I’d worry.
Ask yourself, what is he getting from the marriage, and what is he giving up? The sad truth is that he’s probably got the expectation that all the sacrifices (time, money, child care) are going to be on you. And what do you get in return? Grief and more grief for speaking up about that grief. Why would you want to put up with it, let alone raise a child to witness this pattern (who I guarantee will only learn to treat a future spouse like a doormat too)?
Stand up for yourself, and not in a faint hope he’ll take notice and repent, because he won’t, and even if he promised he would, I wouldn’t trust him to keep that promise. Stand up for yourself because no one else will, and now it’s not just about you anymore, but about a child too. Children need stability, and you’re living with someone who causes your life to be anything but.
Sars,
Has the original poster been back in touch with you?
I’m sure I’m not the only one here who is worried about her.
She has — but I leave it up to LWs whether they want to update everyone in the comments. Not to be all “Vine/client privilege” about it over here, obviously (heh). You’re very sweet to check in.
No advice to offer that’s substantially different than what everyone else has posted, just an “it gets better” message. Not with your husband, unfortunately, but if you do decide to choose a different life for yourself.
Like a sadly surprising number of commenters, I could have written your letter verbatim. My (then) husband would ignore calls, lie about where he was, choose “the guys” over the pregnant wife every time. When I went in to labor while he was out “playing basketball” with the guys, he ignored my calls. I had to call one of his friends to finally reach him, and even then he stayed to finish his beer first (wasn’t actually playing basketball, natch)
I ended up staying a year after my son was born, thinking once the baby was there, things would be better, but it got worse. I finally decided that it was lonelier to stay in the marriage than leave it. Even my time as a single mom wasn’t as bad as my unhappy marriage.
I’ve now been happily married to my second (and final!) husband for almost 10 years. Sometimes he works late, sometimes he goes out with his friends, but he calls me to let me know. Not for permission or anything, just to give a heads up. Because it’s polite, and it’s what grown-ups do. It’s not even a question.
I was so brainwashed in to thinking I was clingy, demanding, hormonal, controlling, or just straight up batshit crazy, but I wasn’t. My current husband certainly doesn’t think so.
It gets better. By yourself, with someone new who gets how adult relationships work, or states of flux in between, in gets better. You deserve better and your kid deserves a better model for adult relationships.
I’ve been worrying and checking in here a lot to see if she updated too…thanks for letting us know that she’s been in touch.
I can’t get this letter out of my head for some reason. I keep coming back to it every few days to see if she’s checked in. I honestly hope she’s okay; I think it’s possible she really wasn’t expecting every single response to her letter to be “get a divorce, like yesterday”, which would explain why she’s hesitant to check in if that’s not the path she’s taking.
Regardless, LW, I truly hope you find some happiness and work out this situation, no matter which decision you make. And most of all I hope your husband wakes up and is there for you more, considering you’re about to give birth. Best to you.
oh dear lady, i do sympathize and i feel bad that you have a child on the way while this is going on.
Simply put, i agree with the other comments: leave him and save yourself anymore sorrow. i don’t think it’s wrong on your part to expect your husband to spend time with you i mean HELLO! you’re married and therefore LIKED spending time together at one point etc. Unless you are one of those wives that calls/texts all day every day then…
i had a very similar situation in my now dissolved marriage so i speak from experience. There was no child involved, he worked crazy hours until late at night/weekends/ holidays whereas i was a straight 9-5 monday-friday schedule. his occassional lapse to call me to tell me he’d be working late became commonplace and i’d get no replies. (i wouldn’t have minded the going out if i just knew so i wouldn’t worry Having to work the following morning, i was dead having been up every hour to see if he would respond/get home. i tried the counseling thing and he only went up until the counselor suggested he come in alone for a few sessions. he never did. he swore he never cheated but he for whatever reason chose to shut me out of his life and i could not live like brother and sister to keep up “appearances.” I divorced him as soon as i had some money together and had to move back in with my parents until i saved enough to get my own place again. it was devastating for me cause i was one of those who swore she’d never marry only to find someone i thought was so great for me and have it end like this was crushing. Oh, and there was never any addiction either. i guess his mentality was, “she married me, chase is over, i can go back to doing my own thing cause i know she is home.”
Like SarahS and Leigh I’ve been checking back to see of LW has checked in. This letter has gotten under my skin in a way that no other Vine letter ever has. I think it’s because this is too familiar a story for many of us. We’re just…worried…and sympathetic. Even all the “divorce him” comments are coming from experience and understanding. I just hope LW is able to see that and not feel as though we all piled on top of her already tough situation.
Me four for checking back on this thread. Tired, I think we’re all hoping you take Sars’s (and everyone’s) advice, but also understand that you have to get to that point yourself. I’m so sorry this is happening, but we’re all pulling for you.
Me 5. Wishing her well…
Me 6. Hope you’re well, Tired.
(…me 7, and ditto.)
Me 7. Whatever she decides, hopefully she has a safe childbirth experience and a healthy baby.
Likewise. Tired, I am thinking of you and wishing the best for you.
I’m not the only one who keeps thinking of you, Tired. Wishing you the best! *hugs*
Thought about you again today. Hope you’re okay.
Thinking about you Tired. Hoping everything is fine…
Still thinking of the writer and worrying about her, like everyone above me. Hoping it all works out for her and the baby.
Thought about this letter again today. Hope you and the baby are doing well, and that you’re able to get a decent amount of sleep (my rudimentary knowledge of babies is that none of them let you sleep in the first couple months).
I’m so glad others are still checking in on the OP. I am still thinking about her and hoping she and the little one are okay. Virtual love and hugs to you, Tired, wherever you are!
This one is still haunting me! Glad to see I’m not the only one.