Hey hon…

Can I jump in with an addendum to your advice for Frustrated and Confused…?

You told F&C that she should call up her church pastor (the one who failed to blow the whistle on S’s molesting of a young girl in the youth group) and tell HIM to find S a place to stay now that S’s wife has given him the boot. You also told her that she should tell the pastor that she and her husband are leaving the church because of his failure to report the situation. Yes yes yes, but I think she should take it a step further (which, unfortunately, she and her husband now have a responsibility to do, since they’re aware of the molestation)…

She and her husband also need to inform the other parents at the church about the situation (without mentioning A’s name…just that S has been found out to be a child molester), in case S has gotten his hands on any of the other girls or boys. The other parents and church members NEED to be made aware of the situation, especially if Pastor See-No-Evil decides to convince members of the congregation that it’s their Christian duty to provide poor S with shelter…and especially if S ends up staying with someone who also has teenaged children. “Christian duty” does not = providing S with a veritable buffet of potential victims! And Pastor See-No-Evil needs to be told that.

Christian forgiveness is all well and good, but what is most important right now is making sure that A and the other children who might’ve been molested are taken care of…and making sure that S’s predatory ways aren’t facilitated by the situation. Christian forgiveness does NOT mean people have to be naive or risk the emotional health and physical safety of these children in the process.

And Jesus would tell ’em the same, dammit.

Props to F&C and her husband for contacting the police and taking care of A.

Full Disclosure

Dear Full,

I agree with you in theory.In practice, F&C should tread more carefully; if S is enough of a pig-dog to molest teenagers, he probably wouldn’t think twice about suing for defamation…or resorting to other means of revenge.

Still, F&C should spread the word about A and S, without using names, warning parents that a kid in the church did get molested and that they and their children should be aware.

First of all, I have been a Christian all of my life, I have been involved in many, many churches and, I’m sorry to say, things like this happen all the time. I’ve seen how things like molestation, adultery and even rape tear apart congregations.It’s never easy.

Yes, forgiveness is one of the main tenants of Christianity – Jesus taught that we should forgive someone without limit.However, to forgive does not mean to forget.You should forgive for no other reason than the fact that unforgiveness clouds your relationship with God.

The behavior of S and of the pastor is unacceptable. Period.Christianity is not an excuse for stupidity or immorality.Any crap about “let’s forgive the weak and set an example” is nothing more than manipulation.I suggest that you leave the church immediately!I understand that your husband is very upset, but in the long run breaking from the church and any relationship that you have with its leaders is the best decision.

I know how hard this is – trust me, I’ve been through something similar.

Just had to comment,
Open Christian

Dear Open,

Thanks so much.I agree completely.The congregation I grew up in had to boot our minister – not for anything as sleazy and traumatic as what S pulled, thank God, but it caused real problems in the church, and it’s really hard to deal with when a spiritual authority figure abuses trust that way.

Update: Evidently, S got ten years in the clink, even though the pastor chose to support S rather than do the right thing for A.So, that’s that.

[12/5/00]

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