The Vine: February 19, 2002
Dear Sars,
Why are some people such cowards? Seriously, how hard is it to pick up the phone and say “sorry, I don’t think it’s working.” It takes less time then brushing your teeth, and allows for closure. But no, instead you’re left jumping every time the phone rings — hoping desperately that it’s going to be him. Okay, end rant.
Yes, it’s the age-old “what the hell happened.” You’ve been dating for a couple of months, things seem to be going well, then BAM — nothing. He said he’d call on Friday, nothing. Sunday rolls around, still nothing (it’s now been over a week since you’ve last been in touch), you call and there’s no answer. You leave a message but two days later still no word, and this is a guy who’s been really good about calling.
I guess the question is, do I bother calling again or write him off. I really liked this guy, and while we had no formal commitment, things seemed to be going somewhere. I suppose there is the possibility that he just considered it a fuck-buddy relationship, but even still, don’t I at least deserve a call or the chance to talk to him (he also still has a book of mine I’d like back)?
Anyway, maybe you have some words of wisdom before I lose my mind or turn into some psycho stalker. Thanks for letting me vent — it helps.
Sincerely,
Wishing I Had A Voodoo Doll
Dear Wishing,
I assume you’ve ruled out the possibility that he had some sort of emergency, or got really busy at work, or died. Because if you have ruled those things out…”things seemed to be going somewhere” is probably what happened. In other words, he wigged.
I don’t know why some people do that; I don’t know why some people can’t just say that they need some time, or space, or want out. And yes, you “deserve” better, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get it. It’s not your fault, but if he’s flipped his lid, that’s probably that.
Call once more. Keep it light; mention that you hope he’s okay and you’d like to get your book back if he has a moment. Leave your number one more time. Ready the pins and consider that the end of it.
Dear Beloved Sars:
I have a little problem with my brother. I should probably give you a little background first so that you can understand our current situation.
Past: I was born six years after my brother, and he was really okay until he got to be about thirteen years old. Then the wheels really fell off the proverbial cart. He got in a lot of trouble at school, and he took out a lot of it out on me. He constantly insulted me about me weight and looks, so much so that I have been an on/off bulimic for the past few years. It, according to me parents, was always partially my fault whenever he beat me up. They said that if I did not want to encourage him, I should not spend time with him. But if I tried to push him away, he just got worse. You see, it was not just his fault that he shot me at point-blank range in the face with a BB gun. I should not have invited him into my room to talk. Eventually he punched a kid at school so hard that he broke his jaw, and got arrested. He went on probation, and it sobered him up, albeit little.
Present: Through a special programme at Carleton University for underachieving yet bright kids, my brother got into university. My parents got him a new laptop computer, even though he already had his own computer, also given to him by my parents. I have never had my own computer. My parents pay his tuition, rent, plus 100$ a week allowance, plus extra handouts if he needs anything else. My dad is an elementary school teacher, and my mom works minimum wage, so this is a lot of money for us. My brother has had more jobs than O.J. has had arrests, and uses the money to go to concerts. They complain about buying jeans for me. He has a really sweet girlfriend that I think he cheats on. When he came home for Christmas break, he made fun of everything I liked and was: my weight, looks, number of friends, room, music, clothes, TV shows (he is a Culture Nazi, like all good university students), movies, et cetera. Finally it got to a point where I could not take it anymore, and I told him off. I then told my parents that I was sick of holding on to my ever-diminishing share of the stick known as the shit end. They told me that I should be happy that my brother was “turning his life around,” and that I should be glad to make sacrifices for him.
Future: …? My brother and I are at an impasse and have not talked since that fight. So should I talk to him and apologize, or continue avoiding him? And then what next? I graduate from high school in about three years, but until I am free, should I have to go through this? Or am I just being a spoiled brat who should be glad to make sacrifices for him? Please reply!
Sad Sack Sis
Dear Sack,
It doesn’t sound like there’s much you can do about it. You live at home and can’t leave; your brother is a psychotic buttwad and he’s got your parents mesmerized.
It’s difficult, but you have to learn not to care. You have to learn not to react. Caring, reacting, getting into it with these people? Not working. Only increasing your misery. Accept that you’ve drawn a crappy family, put your head down, and count off the days until you can rid yourself of them. It’s going to suck, but there’s nothing else you can do.
It’s hard not to take it personally when your family bites the big one, but the sooner you learn to separate their bullshit from your own self-worth, the better.
As far as speaking to your brother goes…fuck that. It’s not like you get anything out of it, so don’t bother unless you absolutely have to in order to keep the peace. It’s a waste of breath, and so is he. And the next time he shoots you in the face with a BB gun or does anything else to assault you, call the cops on his sorry ass.
Tags: boys (and girls) the fam
