The Vine: March 8, 2002
Dear Sars,
Here’s my problem. I have epilepsy. It’s not really a big deal, though. I was diagnosed in college; after two years of bizarre behavior, a couple grand mal seizures, and a gazillion tests, they finally finally diagnosed me as having juvenile myoclonic epilepsy. They prescribed valproic acid (Depakote), and it worked. The only caveat was they said I was absolutely not to take it if/when pregnant. Something about spina bifida being a BAD thing.
So here I am, twelve years later and thinking about getting pregnant. I’ve talked to my doctor, and he wants to try me on some other meds that are “safer” for pregnancy before I try to conceive. Of course, whenever changing drugs, there’s a risk that the seizures will come back. My question is what, if anything, should I tell my employer? My immediate boss is a decent enough guy, but I worry that the executive director, who is a fruitcake, would hold it against me. Should I keep it a secret and just take time off as I need it, or should I ‘fess up to my boss and hope he doesn’t tell the big guy what’s going on? A little help?
Fruitcake’s employee in Philly
Dear Philly,
I don’t have the familiarity with labor discrimination law required to advise you on this, I don’t think, so here’s my suggestion: research the laws, state and federal, to find out whether epilepsy qualifies as a disability. Find out whether, if you mention your concerns to human resources, they’ll keep it confidential.
Get the facts about your rights in this situation under the law. Then talk to your immediate supervisor; I don’t think you “owe” him an explanation, but I do think it’ll make it easier to deal with any problems that arise if he’s already in the loop.
Hi Sars —
I teach at Fancy Pants Private Day School, and according to one person (a.k.a. my therapist) I have a moral dilemma. One of my dear students is moving out of state, and Mom needs some recommendation forms for New Fancy School filled out ASAP. When I found said recommendation forms on my desk, they were accompanied by a tin of chocolates, a $50 gift certificate to Williams-Sonoma, and a catalog. As I have every intention of being completely honest in filling out these forms and have received more ridiculous gifts in the past (including a tweed Ralph Lauren blazer several sizes too small), I immediately tagged several fantasy items (none of which is less than $50) and went about my day, until someone informed me that accepting this gift was immoral. She suggested that if the woman wouldn’t take it back, I should give the gift certificate to charity.
I don’t think Mom meant to bribe me, but rather that she understood it was a huge request to make to people who are under a time crunch to write reports. Is my judgment clouded by greed? My moral compass is pointing toward a set of dessert plates. Please advise.
Underpaid, And Did I Mention Williams-Sonoma?
Dear Underpaid,
If it doesn’t affect what you write on the recommendation forms, I don’t think it’s immoral to accept the gift. I don’t know that I’d feel comfortable assuming that on Mom’s part, though. In other words, it’s fine for you to take the gift if there’s a clear understanding between you as to its nature. If she’s thanking you in advance for making the time to write the recs, it’s fine. If she’s pointedly trying to guarantee a desired outcome, it’s a bribe.
At my own Fancy Pants Prep, you could tell when college app season had arrived from the insane muffin baskets that started showing up in the classrooms. I remember one unpleasant kerfuffle that involved a rather elaborate sausage-and-cheese gift box and a rejection from Williams — raised voices in the college advisor’s office, a huffy transfer into another English section, the whole bit — and prevailing wisdom in the student lounges had it that the parents would have had better luck bribing their daughter to get better grades in the first place. I mean, you know how it goes.
If you feel that it’s just a sincere thank-you, buy the dessert plates and don’t worry about what “someone” thinks. But if you get the uncomfortable feeling that Mom’s trying to massage the rec, you need to give the stuff back — all of it — and tell her that you don’t feel right accepting gifts until the recommendation is completed.
Tags: etiquette health and beauty workplace
