The Vine: November 23, 2011
I searched the Vine archives but didn’t find an answer to this gift etiquette question, so here goes: my in-laws’ best friends sent us a large gift for my kiddos (an art easel) that I don’t want. They always send something similarly big and cool for Christmas and seem to kind of consider my kids as extra grandkids. These folks are good people and I care for them but am not close to them.
So normally if I get a gift I don’t want, I write a thank-you note and put up an eBay auction. In this case, my husband strenuously objects to my normal procedure, because these friends will ask him (even months later) how the kids are enjoying the gift, and he (unlike me) doesn’t like to mislead people by saying something like “oh, that was so thoughtful of you, the munchkins just love painting!” and changing the subject. His suggestion is that if I really want to get rid of it, I call up the gift giver and tell her thank you, but we just don’t have room for it, and could we possibly return it and give them their money back. To me that seems even more rude, but if I could think of an awesomely classy way to say the same thing, I’d go for it. So that’s my question: is there any remotely polite way to reject a gift from nice people? Or do I just suck it up and be thankful that this first-world problem is as stressful as my day got today?
Dreaming of Less Clutter
Dear Dreaming,
Your use of the word “reject” should answer your question for you. Just in case: no, not really. I get what your husband is saying, in theory…but in practice, not every gift is perfectly appropriate or useful. In those cases, cases where it’s the wrong thing but not in a harmful or offensive way, the best solution all around is a noncommittal but enthusiastic answer like, “It was so generous of you to think of the younguns!” and a subject change.
With that said, there’s something I don’t get: “sent us a large gift for my kiddos (an art easel) that I don’t want.” You’re the parent, so you’re the boss, but at the risk of seeming dense here…do the kiddos want it? Did you…even show it to them? Or did you just decide, “We don’t have room for this,” and put it on the (figurative) curb? Not for nothing, but I had an art easel/chalkboard rig as a kid, and it actually cut down on playroom clutter and kept chalk and crayons out from underfoot. (In fact, I think Ma is still using it for semi-storage in her boiler room.) It’s neither here nor there re: the question you actually put to me, but it seems like, since it’s a gift for the kids and not for you, maybe the…kids should decide what to do with it? And if they love it for a week and then ignore it, then you’re like, “That’s that then,” and Goodwill it?
That’s another thing, actually. You’ve made up your mind that you don’t want it, I’m sure you’ll elaborate on your reasons in the comments; fine. I think you should donate it to an after-school program or daycare or something. Selling it on eBay is a little sketch, in my opinion, and if you really don’t have room for it, the best way to solve the space problem today is to drive it down to the Salvation Army or the local children’s art program or something, no?
But as far as outright rejecting it, or suggesting they take it back: no. The closest you can come to that is maybe communicating to the couple, via your in-laws, that you live in a small place and gifts bigger than a breadbox can be problematic — but that solution is a little bossy for my taste, and if it’s not demonstrably true, that’s another lie you have to keep track of.
Thank them, donate the easel, done.
Tags: etiquette kids winter-holiday agita
I think parents (and I am one, too) have to watch it when offering gift guidelines, though. The act as such isn’t inherently rude, but the delivery can be. My in-laws send links for specific gifts for my nephew, which I find really over the top and demanding. Also they seem to think we have a lot more money than we do, but I digress. I’ve found that gentle and general suggestions (“child loves marine life and art supplies, we really appreciate no weapons”) work better. As has been said many times in this thread, graciousness always wins.
Oh, gosh, my daughter is 10 months old, and we are approaching her first Christmas and, soon, her first birthday, and this thread is possibly going to give me heartburn ahead of time, as I had not considered many of these issues. Because she’s 10 months old — she doesn’t know what Christmas or Birthday means right now, so we’re planning just to spend quality time together and not really worry about the rest of the trappings for a few years. Hmm.
(With that said, although I personally do not wish to dress my daughter in head-to-toe pink and always try to buy her other colors, I didn’t give back or sell any of the congrats-on-the-new-baby pink clothes or other items that people so kindly sent. I just thanked them. No one has sent her the dreaded “I’m too pretty to do math” t-shirt yet, though, so I guess I haven’t really had to face the demons yet.)
And, Jacq and Bria: I have said almost the same thing to my husband re: our lack of basement — “Where the hell are we supposed to put all of this stuff, with no basement?” I grew up with one and in a town where everybody had one but now live in a town built on an old lava flow; too expensive to dig basements, so most people don’t have them. Alas.
You know, as I read through this thread, I definitely have a better understanding of the frustrations of parents on this issue. I absolutely can see now where parents may need to step in on even a pretty simple-sounding gift. That said, I think the LW’s last sentence sums it up pretty well:
Or do I just suck it up and be thankful that this first-world problem is as stressful as my day got today?
Gift giving tends to happen a couple times a year. I get the annoyance of getting piles of crap you don’t want, or inappropriate crap, or “you’re not my kids’ grandparents and this is getting kinda weird” crap. Totally. But it seems like the LW came full circle and has the right idea. Smile, thank the giver, grit your teeth, donate the crap, go get a coffee.
My frustrations have intensified with the advent of small child, but I feel the same way about the gifts I am given personally as well.
I know it’s weird and anti-social not to want people to give you things, but I’m tired of finding wrapped gifts and envelopes of money hidden all over (in the cupboard! under the couch cushion!) after every dinner party. I mean, on one hand – I have awesome friends, right? Everyone wishes they had my problems! But on the other hand I feel disrespected and it makes me feel like we’re keeping score. If I can’t invite you over to have cake on my birthday without you feeling obligated to bring me something, I start to feel a bit like a prostitute. It’s not that I don’t let anyone EVER get me anything (and I try not to be rude or hurt anyone’s feelings).
Also, I have never personally sold a gift, but when I give someone a gift, it usually doesn’t have strings attached as to what an “appropriate” use for that gift is. So personally I’m totally fine with someone selling a gift for the money if they’d value the money over the object. But then receiving gifts isn’t my “love language”. I’m guessing that those voices above that are appalled by the selling of gifts and the idea that someone might contemplate rejecting someone else’s gift probably have the exchange of gifts as one of their primary “love languages” So it’s seen as a rejection of an expression of love.
I’ve been waiting more than a decade for this problem to resolve itself. Maybe what I should really be doing is communicating better ways to show me love instead.
Oh – and MissShrew – the gift giving would be manageable if it was “only” a couple of times of year.
It’s more like a couple of times a month, and when small child was an infant? Several times a week!
None of it is stuff we need, most of it is stuff we don’t want and all of it takes time and effort to get rid of.
On top of it all my parents now live in one of the poorest third world countries in the world. So I’m acutely aware that having excessive stuff is a “first world problem”. I actually think that’s part of why it bothers me so much.
@ Anonymous, JIC: I can certainly see where this could easily get out of hand if it happens all the time. I guess I was thinking birthdays and Christmas, but people do get a little nutty about the babies. Just to be clear, I’m not attacking your point of view. I know from personal experience that there are passive-agressive gift givers out there (that’s a whole different letter), but in general I think most people mean well and it should be accepted in that spirit.
You mentioned wanting to find other ways for people to show their love. My husband and my niece write each other stories every Christmas. They choose the theme at Thanksgiving. It started as a lark but has become a well-loved family tradition, with the stories read aloud on Christmas day. Perhaps you could encourage loved ones to write your children a story as a gift. Could be part of their history, or fiction, or a poem. Could be a recipe and why they love it. Doesn’t matter. Collect them in a scrapbook. Loved ones feel they’ve given something important (and they have), it costs nothing but time, and it means a lot.
Anonymous, Just in Case, what in the world are you talking about? “If I can’t invite you over to have cake on my birthday without you feeling obligated to bring me something, I start to feel a bit like a prostitute.” Really? The most traditional gift-giving times are Christmas and Birthdays. You genuinely do not comprehend why people are giving you presents when you invite them into your home to celebrate your birthday? Seriously?
I think most of the commenters on this thread are having a little bit more trouble with the idea of receiving presents than is really necessary. People like you, they give you presents. It’s not a competition. And even if they think it is, let them win! It’s not an insult. Presents are nice things to give and to get. They are expressions of friendship, or of love, or of “I saw this and it was on sale and I was in one of those shopping moods so I bought it and then realized you might like it.”
Jesus. Just have some manners and say thank you and wait a couple of weeks until the astonishing pile of unwanted gifts people have forced upon you has outgrown its box and then take the damn things to Goodwill like all the reasonable people do with all the extra stuff that they don’t want to keep or throw in the garbage.
@AJIC — I think this is exactly right: “I’ve been waiting more than a decade for this problem to resolve itself. Maybe what I should really be doing is communicating better ways to show me love instead.”
If you have people in your life who are gift givers and express their affection through gifts, they’re not going to suddenly change. It sounds like you’re surrounded by folks who speak the “language” of gifts almost exclusively. Stewing at them for not speaking *your* language(s) isn’t going to solve the problem of too much stuff, and in the meantime, you’re spending a lot of mental energy resenting people who are, in the end, just trying to be generous and show affection. One suggestion I have is to start thinking of ways to encourage people to give gifts that don’t create clutter. My husband’s family is big on gifts (I’m not) and I’ve had good luck asking for gift cards to restaurants where we’ve been dying to eat.
Your comment that gift givers “feel entitled to give whatever they want to give and expect that if the recipient isn’t grateful they should at least fake it” also stuck out at me. I get not appreciating the stuff itself, but I think you can still express genuine gratitude for the sentiment behind it without being insincere. At least, this was what my mom told me when I sat down to write a thank-you note to my uncle who gave me a Barbie for my 14th birthday!
Cora, I’d be inclined to agree with your assessment of the OP–at least in part–if not for the selling on eBay thing, which strikes me as very tacky, to put it kindly.
Funny that this letter popped up today, because just yesterday UPS pulled up with a box for my daughter. I took one look inside, shut it, and put it on a high counter, and then went to Google “Toy Drives in [my city]”
Noisy electronic doll that’s a cheaper, more annoying repeat of a gift I already know my mom got her for Christmas. No.
Will I thank the sender for their generosity in sending my daughter a gift, and mean it? Yes, I will. Will I feel good about another child (although maybe not their parent, ha) enjoying this gift? Yes, I will. Will my daughter ever know or miss it? Not at all.
I do think it’s within the mom’s rights to veto a gift, and no we don’t know the reasons she doesn’t want an easel, but I’m sure she has them. That said, my instinct upon reading that the gift was an easel was also “…seriously? Why not!” so I get why Sars at least posed the question.
Lastly: I’m in agreement with the general “there’s too much STUFF in this world!” sentiment in theory, but that’s an awfully off-putting high and mighty tone with which that sentiment was delivered. It’s fine to not want a bunch of STUFF, but to reject the whole premise of gift-giving…eh. I am a pretty minimalist, eco- and socially- conscious person, but I still get really excited to give things to people I care about that I think they will love. Sure, I try to balance as much as possible by making things or shopping at local stores or from companies whose impacts on the world are more positive than negative, and with kids I always ask the parent first if it’s something even they will even remotely have to deal with (size, noise, requires help, etc.) but that’s not the point, really. The spirit of generosity is a beautiful thing for both the giver and the receiver, and I think it’s completely unhelpful to make it sound like wanting to make people you love happy by giving them something you think they will like is somehow morally deviant. If you have lots of people in your life who like to give gifts, and you are anti-stuff, why not put it out there that what you would really like is, say, a membership to your local children’s museum, or movie tickets, or whatever. And then just donate the rest.
It really is one of those social minefields that comes with parenting. I totally get it – I always tell my husband that I am replacing everything with a pig bladder and a corn cob doll.
I had to come to terms with my own bitter feelings, when my inlaws repeatedly trumped holidays with their over the top gifts (yes – the easel! the elaborate train table, the enormous doll house, the play kitchen), thus stealing everyone else’s gifting thunder, making my less wealthy family uncomfortable and self-conscious. A collaboration really helps make the holiday a happier one for everybody – though that applies more to direct relatives than to the friends described in the original letter.
But – the one gift that just makes me laugh is Hooker Mermaid Barbie. She was gifted to my 4 year old by my (very conservative!?) cousin, and boy did my mouth drop. Rather than wearing the usual shell bikini, she’s wearing this Frederick’s of Hollywood cut out g-string bandeau number that peeks out of her scales, and enough makeup to make Joan Collins look like Nell.
My daughter named her after my mom, which is hilarious, and she is pretty much the most beloved toy ever. You can’t win.
I might be stirring up a hornets’ nest but it seems to me that the awkward “How did the kids like the gift?” question might be avoided altogether if the kids sent a thank you note. I only tend to ask follow up questions about gifts when I’m not sure if someone received them because I never got a thank you or other acknowledgment.
I have to say I am an East Coaster born and bred and the thought that keeps running though my mind as I read this is “what do you MEAN they don’t have basements??? Where do they put their stuff???”
My family is big into gift giving, especially to kids, and the parents always have a say. Last week at Thanksgiving, all the parents had their kids’ Christmas lists and the aunts, grandparents etc were taking suggestions. Usually it ends up that so and so wants a camera that her parents are planning to buy. So grandma buys a case, and the aunts buy an album and shutterfly gift cards, etc. Asking parents in advance before you buy a child a gift is never the wrong thing to do. That way you can ensure that you will buy something the child likes and the parents consider to be appropriate. It gives the parents a chance to voice concerns like “I don’t have space for that/please buy only specified unleaded paint/Hooker barbie is inappropriate, etc.
That being said, people will (usually from the goodness of their hearts) give you things you don’t want. One Christmas someone gave my sister and I hamsters without consulting my parents first. We loved them, and I can only imagine what it must have cost my mother in that moment to smile politely and say thank you. But she did, because the polite thing to do is say thank you and figure out a way to deal with it later.
Selling a gift is just tacky. Donating it to someone in need is a much better option, that way you are honoring the spirit in which the gift was given.
@Courtney: Really good point about the thank you note! That’s the only time I would ask after a gift too.
Re: basements. It is so awful. I’m an east coast transplant living in Arizona, and let me tell you…”where do we keep this” is the eternal question! We bought a shed, we put up extra shelving in the laundry room, and we have a tiny third “bedroom” (ha) that we thought would be an office but is basically a giant indoor shed with a desk buried in there somewhere. The backs of our closets are stuffed to the gills with things like empty suitcases and off-season clothing, and we keep a lot of stuff outside since it doesn’t rain much. And we are pretty minimalist people! I can’t even tell you how much stuff goes out to Goodwill, Freecycle, craiglist, friends and family, used bookstores…Nope. We are still buried.
My plan is to someday build a REAL shed–i.e. an actual building with a foundation and electricity, not a self-assembled tin box. But…someday.
@Jacq: basements tend to be a regional thing. In places that are very wet, you never dig a basement because it will just fill up with water. In fact in some of those low areas, houses will actually be built on stilts. In places where the land is really cheap, wide and tall houses on a slab will be the way to go because you can get all the space you need that way. Basements are more the province of northern places that get a very cold winter. When building you have to dig so far down to get below the frost line in order to have a stable foundation, that it makes no sense not to go another 18 inches or so and get a usable basement out of it. Besides, if you stopped at that lower depth, your house would not be comparable in value to your neighbors who do have the basement.
That said, it’s just amazing when you finally do move out of a house that has a basement, to see how much stuff one of those can hold. It’s where the not-quite-broken-or-loved-enough stuff goes to die.