…and in the drama since I sent you that email, I forgot all about it – thought you’d like the update. First off, your advice was excellent, thank you. The person who wrote suggesting my soon-to-be ex-husband needed professional help was right on, too – as it turns out, the panic attack he had was due to guilt, since he had just started having an affair with a waitress at a restaurant where he took clients.

It all makes a lot more sense to me now – I tried to get him to open up to me, and tried to convince him that he needed to see someone professional about whatever was going on with him, for the sake of his health and our marriage. He agreed, but did nothing – and a couple of months later, I walked in on him in our bed, naked, with his girlfriend. So hindsight is 20/20 – which leads to the second question. How does one go about getting over something like this? I’m seeing a therapist, and I have great friends and a wonderful family, but I’m petrified of getting into a relationship with anyone else. I know my ex is a jerk, and I’m very glad that our divorce will be final in less than a month. I just wish the rest of the mess could be cleaned up so easily – like figuring out how to trust someone again. Every time I even think of going out with someone, however casually, I think, “Well, one person I trusted did the exact thing he always swore he’d never do – how can I believe the next guy won’t do it too? And what’s so damn wrong with me, anyway?” Any advice? Suddenly even more alone

Damn. To think that I actually felt sorry for your soon-to-be-ex-husband. It never occurred to me that he didn’t suffer from panic disorder, but rather from a craniorectal inversion.

Anyway. You have to give yourself more time. Your soon-to-be-ex-husband screwed you over, you haven’t even finalized the divorce yet, and it’s natural for you to feel mistrustful and wary at this point in your life. Your therapist will help you work through the hurt and grieving, and eventually you’ll feel ready to get back out there. But until that day comes, give yourself a break. You’ve earned the right to proceed cautiously. If you don’t want to date, don’t. If you don’t want to trust people, don’t let them pressure you to do so.

And there’s nothing wrong with you. Your soon-to-be-ex has the problem, not you, and just because somebody has treated you with a total lack of respect doesn’t mean that you merit that treatment. Not to put too fine a point on it, but fuck that guy. Sign the papers, slam the door on your past with him, and concentrate on making yourself happy for a while.

[Confidential to S: looks like we should revise our definition of “professional help” to mean “a hobnailed foot in the ass,” eh what?]

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