MVP
I don’t know the guy, obviously; for all I know, he reads Wordsworth and is a member of PFLAG. But if we’re talking physical presentation, I challenge you to find me a bigger meathead than Jason Giambi. With the mullet, dripping as it always is with sweat even on the chilliest October evening, and the perma-stubble, and the piggy little eyes…I mean, did anyone else see that pic of him from the Times today with his tongue hanging out?
Okay, Giambi in his current roid-less iteration pales in comparison to the fat-marbled beefiness of the Oakland days — and I should probably confess here, before the Couch Baron outs me in the comments, that although Giambi is so necklessly frat-tastic I half expect him to whip out a funnel whenever he safely reaches base, I think he’s kind of hot for some reason, or I used to before he entered this unacceptable suburban-guitar-teacher tonsorial slough of despond.
But my contention stands: Giambi is baseball’s Meatiest Valuable Player. Anyone who cares to nominate an opposition candidate in the comments should 1) link to a photo and 2) confine his or her (probably futile) argument to active players.
I totally hear you on the Giambi-is-weirdly-hot thing. About three years ago at Yankee games they used to show these little interview snippets on the Jumbotron…actually, I’m sure they STILL show them, but anyway, there was Giambi being interviewed in the locker room, and he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and every time I saw it I would be struck dumb for a few minutes while whatever friend was with me gave me incredulous looks and said “really? HIM??”.
He’s way more meaty and fratty now that he’s got more body fat and that awful hair, that much is for certain. Watching him this weekend, I was having a very hard time going back to that pleasant shirtless-locker-room place.
I’m not an expert across the entirety of MLB, and over with my boys on the much leaner Mets, I’d be hard-pressed to find you a competitor. Everyone on our team is turkey, not ham. Thinking back to recent games I’ve seen, I would say that maybe Andruw Jones and “meaty” go together in my mind, but you’re right, he’s not even close to Giambi in terms of pure meatitude.
Lance Berkman.
I don’t know how to make functioning links in these comments, but I have the following three pictures in evidence:
First, here he is just looking vaguely doofusoid:
http://sportsmed.starwave.com/i/magazine/new/berkman_20020603.jpg
Second, here he is in a fat suit, for reasons I cannot begin to imagine:
http://www.astroland.net/berkmanodd.jpg
And finally, here he is looking alarmingly like he’s hitting himself in the face with a bat:
http://blogs.dfw.com/startle_grams/images/astrobat.jpg
Also, there’s the fact that, when he went to my university, he once threw a sofa off of Lovett College. (Allegedly single-handedly, though I can’t prove that.)
Okay, he really is more of a doofus than a meathead, I’d say. But I really like these pictures. And the thing about the sofa.
You mean the expanded waistline, combined with the facially attached ferret, on Kevin Youkilis doesn’t make your heart go a flutter?
Before:
http://groups.msn.com/DaughtersofKevinYoukilis/shoebox.msnw?action=ShowPhoto&PhotoID=1
After:
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/photo?slug=6f8aee36fe9840f1ab09067705cfdcb1.red_sox_yankees_baseball_nyy207&prov=ap
Ryan Klesko’s been on my all-meathead team since he first came up with the Braves. He’s built like Giambi to start with, complete with the “I can’t put my arms down!” look, plus he perfected his “duuhhh” look by the end of his rookie season. He also had a tendency to look like he was going to fall over whenever he swung the bat (and sometimes he actually DID fall over): http://www.sover.net/~hardybob/Klesko10.jpg
Small one, but what a doofus look:
http://imagesource.art.com/images/products/small/10122000/10122732.jpg
And what is UP with the facial hair??:
http://www.thanksforthemusic.com/events/images2/fn0421.jpg
I’m gonna give it up for Bobby Jenks. That is one meaty meathead. Plus, the bus signs that feature him here in the Chi say, “I have two pitches. Fast ball and FASTER ball.” I know he didn’t write the copy, but that’s definitely not helping his meathead quotient go down.
Well played, Noelle; he’s got a John Sears look to him in that last shot.
Anyone else think Jeff Weaver + 50 lbs. = meatball?
What is with the omnipresent sweat? He is sweatastic.
Oh, and Jeff Weaver? Hate. Fat Jeff Weaver? Hilarious.
Yes to Jeff Weaver, and I also feel like Curt Schilling could cross the line at any moment.
David Wells. He’s probably the staff ace for the Meatiest Valuable Player All-Stars.
Depending on your scorecard, he may lose points for 1. being Canadian (i.e. not your typical American fratboy meathead) and 2. not really being “active†at any given moment, but Eric Gagne warrants mentioning:
http://images.usatoday.com/sports/baseball/_photos/2002-07-08-inside-gagne.jpg
http://www.bostonkorea.com/bbs/data/sports/metro_eric_gagne.jpg
http://www.cbc.ca/gfx/topstory/sports/gagne_eric_09042003.jpg
Aside from the powergoggles and a chinwarmer that would make any high school thrash metal bassist green with envy, Gagne always seems to be at this strangely high level of intensity, whether on the mound or off of it. He seems like the kind of guy that would ostentiously high five you in a bar over a funny comment.
Well, here in Detroit we actually have a catcher named “Pudge,” but I think the real meatball is pitcher Todd Jones. Pudge really isn’t all that pudgy, but Jones is a real Captain Beefheart, complete with Spurlock ‘stache.
http://detroit.tigers.mlb.com/team/player.jsp?player_id=116734
All of the above would make excellent members of the Meat Court, but none of them beat Giambi for Lunk of the Century.
Giambi is my boy… has been and always will be.
And, oddly hot in a sweaty tubby way.
And now I understand why the Yankees don’t let their players wear facial hair. Obviously MLB players don’t understand that clean-shaven=handsome, but hideous squirrel toupee hanging out on your chin=skeevy.
The image of FatWeaver I now have in my head should keep me entertained for the rest of the day. I just keep giggling thinking about it. Stupid Weaver.
What is this picture you’re referring to? I don’t get the Times in print (since I’m in Chicago) but I’m not seeing anything on the website.
Granted, my concept of meathead is kind of skewed since I didn’t grow up in the States, but what about Big Papi?
http://images.google.com/images?svnum=10&um=1&hl=en&q=david+ortiz&btnG=Search+Images
He’s…meaty.
I have to go with Prince Fielder. That man is a human representation of the 96er.
No, Big Papi isn’t a meathead. He’s big, but sheer size won’t do it. You have to have a fratty quality.
Clemens is not a bad example of this, actually. He’s chunky, with a belly, and he just looks like a front-porch-of-Deke-house Lone-Star-chugging beefball.
I gotta agree with Al – all members of the Meat Court, but nothing takes the cake from Giambi.
Though I do second the nomination of David Wells, and I don’t even need a picture to know how true that is. He is a meat-runner-up, for sure.
I can’t find a full body shot, but how about Brian Bruney? http://newyork.yankees.mlb.com/team/player.jsp?player_id=430663
Whenever he comes in for the Yanks, my bf always wonder if they have to increase the post game spread.
I think Kevin Millar warrants mention on the Meat Court. He’s definitely put on some pounds since joining the Orioles, though it’s a bit hard to tell in these.
http://www.baltimoresun.com/media/photo/2006-02/22161744.jpg
http://static.flickr.com/26/51944096_5ff745e72b_o.jpg
Adam Dunn, definitely. He’s huge and has a big meathead-can’t-take-a-pitch, out at the pig roast quality to him.
http://danholmes.mlblogs.com/photos/2006_hall_of_fame_game/img_5858.jpg
http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/PHO/AAGZ005_8x10-2006BattingAction~Adam-Dunn-Posters.jpg
http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/PHO/AAGP153~Adam-Dunn-2005-Studio-Plus-Posters.jpg
Giambi still wins, though. Mostly, I think, because he still seems vaguely attractive in a frat boy way and at the end of the day, like a frat boy, he’s a dumbass.
He’s not really all that dumb, but Jason Schmidt sure looks it:
http://images.google.com/images?svnum=10&hl=en&gbv=2&safe=off&q=jason+schmidt&btnG=Search+Images
I will just never get the chin-underhang beard thing.
I was going to say Clemens! Except I don’t find him attractive at all. But he does have quite the belly.
Now see, Giambi is meaty, but he’d be hard-pressed to be named all-time Meat Man, an honor that has long been shared by Lenny Dykstra and Darren Daulton.
http://cdn.channel.aol.com/channels/04/07/444408f7-001c3-02428-400cb8e1
http://espn-att.starwave.com/media/mlb/2005/0424/photo/g_dykstra_i.jpg
If we’re fielding an All-Meat All-Star team we need a catcher. May I suggest Doug Mirabelli? Not only does he have a delightfully cheesy nickname (The Stud Who Hits Bombs) but he’s often seen out on the town in the tackiest Swingers-era Frat Pack attire imaginable.
Overruled. Nails is not meaty. Too small.
I respectfully submit Kyle Farnsworth. He may have cleaned up some since becoming a Yankee, but in Chicago he always sported this hair: http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/PHO/AAGI198~Kyle-Farnsworth-2004-Studio-Plus-Photofile-Posters.jpg. He’s been known to be a brawler. And three words: puka shell necklace. Although perhaps that makes him the MVC (Most Valuable Chachi).
Tracey, I second your Brian Bruney
http://www.waswatching.com/archives/BBInk.jpg
and raise you a Kyle Farnsworth
http://reid.mlblogs.com/scoreboard_26_6/images/lg_fight_ap.jpg
Dykstra certainly fits for personality. His SI farewell-Lenny golden moments article featured him mainly at the craps table, referring to *ev**er**y*one* as “dude,” and not in an ironic way. Love the $125 Simba-Jovi mullet in the posted photo.
Jeff Weaver has to get Token Slim Guy admission to the court. He may only be a knucklehead from the neck down, but above the thoracic vertebrae, it’s an even mix of meat and knuckles. Watch him pitch sometime, if he ever comes back to the majors. You’ll see. He’s a hit machine!
I have to suggest Sal Fasano. I think he’s had a haircut recently, but he has the Fu Manchu and he’s lumpy. And his name is “Sal.”
Okay, seriously. It’s really a shame that I’m not up to date on their current roster, because there is NO DOUBT that the biggest meathead plays for the Phillies. The biggest meathead at any given time ALWAYS plays for the Phillies. The Phillies usually can’t be bothered to wipe the tobacco juice off their fronts. I don’t know what Phillies player it is, since I’ve fallen out of paying attention, but I AM CERTAIN that it’s somebody with the Phillies.
I don’t know if Farnsie fits the physical profile, especially now that he has those bizarre Kyle Alcindor spectacles, but he’s fighty, for sure.
He is also REALLY HOT. And the glasses make him EVEN HOTTER.
Further argument for Donnelly: His nickname with the Angels was Double Pump.
If my TV stopped showing everything but baseball and human autopsies, I’d be watching the autopsies. Even during dinner. But I had a lot of fun looking at all the meathead nominees. Thanks!
I can’t argue with Giambi. That giant slab of a head with those leeeetle piggy eyes too close together.
But, anyone for Travis Hafner?
http://cleveland.indians.mlb.com/team/player.jsp?player_id=400098
Ok, so I was just watching Baseball Tonight, and can’t believe I forgot about Bartolo Colon:
http://cache.boston.com/images/bostondirtdogs//Headline_Archives/Colon_01.gif
http://www.rotorob.com/uploaded_images/557-angels-751579.jpg
It’s really his eyes that keep Giambi at the top of the heap. And his perpetual flopsweat. A special classification of the type is represented by Chipper Jones, you know. He doesn’t qualify as super-meaty, but he’s such a… country face.
greer: Nah. Pronk’s too damn funny and smart. And I think he’s cute.
Al: The first name “country face” brings to my mind, with no hesitation, is Roy Oswalt.
Tracey, I was just coming back (again, SOME MORE) this morning to add Bartolo to the list. But you have taken care of it. I second the nom.
Sars: ITA on the hotness of Farnsie’s glasses! Takes a secure man to wear dorky specs. I was thinking, specifically, of this anecdote, though:
One game, early last season, my friend and I were sitting in the loge with a great view of the Yankee bullpen. One of your typical baseball, “won’t somebody please hold me back?” fights broke out.
The opposing team’s bullpen emptied, but not the Yankees’. Why? Kyle couldn’t get the bullpen door open! I forget if it was a push and he was pulling or vice versa, but yeah, boy did his best Far Side – “School for the Gifted” imitation!
I’ve loved him ever since. (Well that, and the fact that he looks good even in the road grays – I’m not proud, but I am shallow.)
I third the Farnsworth nomination. However, my perception of good ole Farnsie may be colored by that website that does the fake IM conversations between MLB players. Farnsworth always comes off like the frattiest meat head possible on that thing.
Word on Farnsie’s hotness. His stint with the Cubs will never be forgotten by his female fans here in Chicago…not only the epic throwdown tackle, which everyone has seen, but the boy had a wild rep around town. He once showered, dressed after a night game and repaired to his favorite North side watering hole, about 100 yards from Wrigley, sat there LITERALLY until it was time to return to the yard for the day game the next day. Same clothes….that, in a nutshell, is why he…isn’t in Chicago any more.
Ken- Pudge is, despite the nickname, the complete and utter opposite of the meathead definition. Not only is the man tiny, but he’s also damn smart. And if it seems like I’m a little in love with him, well, I totally am. If anyone knows the origin of his nickname, please tell me!
Re: Jones, eh, I’m not so sure. Yeah, he’s a tad on the meaty side, but I’m not sure about the required fratboy quality. I’ll have to do some more research.
Yay for Detroit fans!
Meg: The Dugout. Gee, how on Earth might that color your perception of Rowdy Kyle Farnsworth? Haha. That is precisely why I can’t take him seriously. He comes out of the bullpen and something like “mothatrucka almost make me spill my ibc” runs through my head, and I bust out laughing. Or this particular Dugout, which is a favorite of mine.
Melissa: that’s kind of awesome.
FLErin: Carlton Fisk’s nickname was “Pudge,” so it’s probably something to do with that. Didn’t Pudge II originally play for the White Sox? That would explain the provenance. Regardless: Pudge II = not meat.
Fasano, maybe. He looks more like a Mafia enforcer to me.
The Dugout is hilarious; love that URL (wordupthome.com).
Hee!: http://dugout.progressiveboink.com/archive/dugout10-10-05.htm
Hold on, Sars, there’s a Part One to that!
Sars- Nope- Rangers, Marlins, Tigers. According to Wikipedia (man, I really should be working, this is sad), he’s been compared to Fisk a lot early in his career, but Pudge is actually a childhood nickname. This was confirmed by a co-worker from his home town in Puerto Rico who remembers him playing little league. I’m realzing now I actually probably already knew this. I’m blaming work boredom.
So off topic, but I’m glad to know this, now.
For some reason, in regard to my addition of Kevin Youkilis to the Meathead club, I’ve had the following song lyric from “Leave The Biker” by Fountains of Wayne stuck in my head:
“He’s got his arm around everyman’s dream.
Crumbs in his beard from the seafood special.”
… Nobody’s with me on Berkman? He was PERSONALLY INVOLVED IN SOFA-OFF-THE-ROOF-THROWING, people.
I’m pretty sure that last thing I linked to had a photo of Berkman looking Chipsterrific.