The Vine: April 2, 2004
Dear Sars, grammar maven from on high,
Glad to see this touched on in The Vine, but I’d like to know what you think
of the prevalence of “women” or “woman” used as an adjective in place of
“female.” I see “League of Women Voters” and hear of “woman doctors,” but
the converse — “League of MEN voters” or “MAN doctor” seems obviously
wrong. What’s wrong with using “female” when referring to gender?
My
girlfriend thinks it’s an empowerment issue, saying that any animal can be
“female,” but only humans can be “women”; same thing applies to us guys,
though, and I’d rankle at being called a “man” poker player.
Just curious about your opinion,
Just another man editor
Dear Editor, Period,
And I’d rankle at being called a “woman poker player” for the same reason. It should not be notable that I’m a woman in the context of whatever I happen to be doing — exactly the same way that it isn’t notable that you’re a man in the context of whatever you happen to be doing. Think about why that is. Think about why nobody would bother mentioning that an editor or a firefighter is a man. It’s because it’s not significant, apparently, that a man works, or chooses whatever career path he wants (although, for the record, I think the term “male nurse” is just as irritating). Why take special notice of a doctor’s gender — and why do it only if the gender is female?
It’s 2004. Women go to and graduate med school. Always could. Saying shit like “woman doctor” implies that the doctor in question had to overcome the enormous handicap of breasts, or thinking that math is hard, or crying a lot, or whatever bullshit social norms other people dumped on her, in order to become an MD, which…no. A woman’s career competence is the rule, not the exception, and to imply otherwise by taking special note of her gender is sexist condescending crap.
I don’t usually take a hard line on perceived gender bias in the language, because nothing will suck the air out of a piece of prose faster than doing so, but this particular usage fillip has got to go.
Dear Sars,
Good job on all you do and say. You are a wizard. I’d like to buy you a beer sometime, but that’s not why I’m writing.
Stitch and I live together, and we are really terrific for each other, save for the occasional fight about money. Our families get on like gangbusters and we have been together four years. Stitch has done pretty much everything I have done in the sex, drugs, and rock and roll department. We are a good fit in every way. We have love and passion and nothing is lacking in our relationship — she is all I ever wanted in a girl.
Lilo and I have been friends for ten years. I’ve been constantly in and out of relationships in that time…she really hasn’t. Lilo is very much a straight-edge in every way, and I am very much not. Lilo and I have not lived in the same city for a very long time, but our friendship has grown stronger all the time we have been apart.
Recently, Lilo moved here. I’ve known for several years that I had feelings for Lilo, but I have tried to swallow them, due to the fact that I’ve always been in a relationship, she’s never shown any overt interest in me (or anyone else — she’s only ever dated two people that I know of and is not demonstrative sexually), our different experiences sexually seem like a very tough gap to bridge, our friendship is really great and I would hate if it got fucked up, and oh yes, I’m scared.
This Lilo crush has, I’m afraid, tacitly wrecked a few relationships in the past. I’ve hardly even admitted it to myself, yet the last time I was at home, my mother cracked, “You have a crush on Lilo. You’ve always had a little crush on her.”
I’m of many minds on this. Part of me thinks that my feelings are so strong and so real, there is no way they are not reciprocated by Lilo. Part of me thinks if I said something to Lilo, she would tell me I was crazy. Part of me thinks that would probably be a good thing, as at least I could finally get on with my life and not constantly wonder if she’ll be part of it someday. And of course, there’s the part of me that’s afraid Lilo will actually reciprocate my feelings, because that means I would have to take action…i.e., decide whether to end the relationship with Stitch. I feel like I am betraying Stitch even thinking these things, which I am. And I really love her. I should mention that Lilo and Stitch have become great friends since Lilo moved here. I have not talked about this to any of my friends because whoever I would talk to is also friends with Lilo or Stitch or both, and that would only complicate matters further.
Please tell me what you would do? And how would you do it so as to cause the least turmoil to all involved? I love these two girls more than anything and I hate feeling like I’m on the brink of destroying it all.
Thanks for your consideration,
Wobbly
Dear Wobbly,
Stitch is, according to you, the perfect girl for you. Lilo has not once in ten years’ time betrayed any interest in you That Way. End of story. Get over it.
“But –” No. I mean, yeah, all right, if you feel that strongly that Lilo feels the same way you do, dump Stitch, hurt her terribly, and see if you can make it work with Lilo, which it won’t, because you’ll have a cart of baggage from a four-year relationship and far less in common with Lilo than you do with Stitch. But you want to have it both ways, and you can’t, so tell yourself that nothing is ever going to happen with Lilo, believe it, and start acting like it.
Yo, grammar queen (and baseball fan) — here’s one for you.
I was writing a letter to a long-lost friend the other day, and I started by saying, “I hope this letter won’t come too far out of left field…” Finished the letter, sent it, and then re-read it. Should that have been “I hope this letter won’t come FROM too far out of left field”?
Whenever I’ve heard this phrase, as it pertains to some surprise development, it’s usually stated as “That totally came out of left field.”
Common enough phrase, but I actually have no idea what it means, either. What’s the connection with baseball? Do surprising things regularly get flung from left field?
Not a Baseball Fan
Dear Not,
The 11C’s usage note indicates that “came out of left field” is preferred. You can also say — about an idea, for example — that it’s “out in left field.”
I had no idea where to peg the origin of the phrase, myself, and I thought, well, maybe it’s that Little League coaches park their crappiest players in left field? Except that, in my hometown, you parked the moonbeams out in right, not left.
Who knows, maybe it’s got something to do with that — but evidently, before the construction of Wrigley Field, the Chicago Cubs played in a park called West Side Park, and just beyond the left-field fence in West Side Park was an insane asylum called the Neuropsychiatric Institute. You can probably put two and two together there.
I didn’t find a ton of references to it, so it’s possible that that’s a folk tale someone thought up after the fact to explain the etymology, but it’s as good a folk tale as any (and a lot more logical than the other popular explanation, which posits that, because the Latin word for “left” “sinister,” things that are or come from the left are considered bad — e.g. “left of center”). Anyway. I’d go with the Cubs one; if you care, that puts the coinage date in the late nineteenth century.
Oh most Glorious Grammar Goddess Sars,
These things never do come singly, do they?
Twenty-year-old, fourth-year English major. I have been with my boyfriend,
we’ll call him SwingMasseur, for a year now. When we started dating, I had
just gotten out of a four-year relationship with Ex, who went right off the
deep end when I finally realized I did not want the sum total of my future
to involve moving out into the country, being a housewife and raising
dozens of French-Canadian babies with an emotionally farked-up engineer. He
freaked out, dated a good friend to try and stay near me, and still acts
bizarro over a year later.
SM and I met swing dancing. We have an inordinate amount of fun together. He
sings and likes my cooking. I enjoy his company, he makes me laugh, and I
feel completely accepted and at peace in my relationship with him.
We started dating very slowly and casually at first, because 1) I had just
ended a very serious and messy relationship, 2) he is almost a decade older
than I am, 3) he’s not really one who leaps into commitment, and 4) I will
in all likelihood be leaving the province in six to eight months to go away to grad
school.
A year later, things have gone better than either of us could have imagined.
We have not yet been tired of each other’s company, have amazing physical
chemistry, our brains are in sync, our hearts are into it, and SM is really
dealing with his intimacy issues, knocking down some of the last barriers
that were between us. The Big Scary M-word has been mentioned.
When we began dating, I was 19, and am now 20. I still live at home.
My parents knew that I was dating a much older man (SM was 28 then, 29 now)
and seemed perfectly all right with the idea. They insisted they trusted me,
they liked SM, and that I was perfectly entitled to pursue my happiness
wherever I might find it.
I am currently in the process of filling out my grad applications. The
school that is my first choice happens to be in Calgary, which is a good
two-day drive from where I’m currently living. SM and I have talked
extensively, and under no circumstances am I to compromise my future to be
near him. If I get an acceptance letter, off I go to the land of Stetsons
and ten-month winters. At first, we’d agreed to carry on a long-distance
thing if we could; now, it’s looking more and more likely that SM will, soon
if not immediately, join me out West.
At this point, we will be looking at some serious time apart for strictly
financial reasons. SM is currently unemployed. He worked in the states for four
years after he first graduated with a shiny new mechanical engineering
degree. He ultimately decided that he hated it and quit a lucrative job and went back to school to get his computer science
certification. He graduated in April 2003. He is still
looking for a job. The economy has not helped him. His investments from his
earlier career have managed to finance him thus far, but right now he needs
work. He’s been holding out for something special, something to start
rebuilding a career with, but is finally accepting (prideful man…) that
he’s going to have to take something less than ideal in the meantime. At
this point, he’ll have to work for at least a year to get his finances back
into a position where he can afford to relocate.
During this time of most stress, while I’m applying for graduate funding and
SM is kicking the job search into high gear, my parents seem to have blown a
gasket. It seems that they were perfectly all right with my relationship
with SM so long as it seemed very casual to them, but now that things are
truly serious and good between us they’re developing a staunchly Anti-SM
Stance on the issue. They wanted to Talk To Me yesterday, which meant go on
a rant while I listened and didn’t really have a chance to answer.
It seems
they really do have a problem with the age issue, and insist that I am
setting myself up for disaster if I stay with him. Despite two degrees and three
years on independent means, they can’t see past the current lack of a job
and see him as a irresponsible person whose life is “going nowhere.” I
understand the lack of a job is a problem and can fully appreciate their
concern. But they were genuinely appalled by the idea of us in Calgary
together. I have no intention of in any way changing my life’s plan (I want
a PhD) but they are convinced that remaining with SM will somehow cause me
to abandon everything I want to accomplish (utter drek). They attacked his
character, said I was not looking at the situation in a mature and logical
manner, and formally disapproved of the amount of time we spend together.
They don’t think he “looks” right for me, doesn’t present the appearance of
an acceptable mate for their daughter. All in all, they gave me one big “you
can do better.” They wanted me to issue him a “get a job or I walk”
ultimatum, which I refused to do, and then just told me to “keep my eyes
open” and consider leaving this relationship behind when I leave.
I apologize for the hideous structure of that last paragraph, but this is
all as garbled to me today as it was yesterday when it was delivered.
After saying their piece, my parents seem to have retreated into an almost
eerie kind of cheerful domesticity. It’s as though they’ve vented and it’s
over.
I’ve talked a bit to SM, who is understandably alarmed. I cannot drive (bad
eyesight and irrational fear) and so it is very possible that they could
make it much more difficult for us to see each other. These are my last few
months in this city. I want them to be as SM-filled as possible. My head
is also on the verge of exploding from sheer academic stress and I don’t think
I could take a big confrontation right now.
I suppose my question is: How can I stand up for my relationship and still
keep things bearable at home? Should I be as Stepford-daughter as possible
for a few months and celebrate my new freedom when it comes? Should I be
sadistic about it, buy a pawned zircon rock for $20 and flash it just to
scare the crap out of them? Any advice on the long-distance thing, and how
to soothe extra-special over-protective parents (now with soy!)?
Thanks a million,
Not A Fairy Tale
Dear Tale,
I wouldn’t bother “standing up for” the relationship, honestly. Your parents expressed their opinion, you don’t agree with it…there isn’t much else to say. So, don’t say anything. Spend whatever time you want to spend with SM before you leave and try not to let your parents’ disapproval get to you.
With that said, while I think your parents’ stated grounds for disapproving of the relationship are bullshit, you might want to keep an open mind about the future instead of just reacting against Mom and Dad. Again, I don’t really agree with why they don’t like SM as a partner for you; the age difference, okay, maybe I could see that giving them pause, but the rest of it, whatever. That isn’t the issue. The issue is that, from what you’ve told me, the distance is going to throw a serious wrench in things. You don’t drive. SM can’t afford to move right now. If you move to Calgary, it’s possible that those factors and the timing of them means that SM really isn’t a good partner for you at this point in both your lives.
I’m not saying you can’t make it work; maybe you won’t move to Calgary, and established couples find ways to survive that kind of distance all the time. But established couples have buckled under less pressure, and I am saying that you need to see that with clear eyes — that, if you move, it’s going to be difficult at best — and assess the relationship without any “they can’t tell me what to do!” clouding matters.
You love him, he loves you, and you should try to make it work if that’s what you want. Just don’t lose sight of the facts. Your parents used immaterial evidence to support it, but they do kind of have a point here.
Dear Sars,
I’ve had this problem for a while and you seem like the most level-headed
advice-giver out there. Here’s the deal:
I have this friend, A. A and I were very close, made it through many
problems together, et cetera. We have a mutual friend, a guy named B. B had
a crush on A for a very long time. They dated briefly, it ended badly, they
dated other people, the whole song and dance.
Somewhere in the middle, B flipped out. He started treating A and I and
most of our friends badly; I gently tried to get him to get to counseling
for his problems since it was beyond me, but he got angry, there was a huge
blowup, and I told him to leave me alone.
A few months later, I get an email from B. He apologized for treating us
badly, and that he had gotten treatment. It was a letter that sounded very
like something one’s therapist tells them to write, but it was very
convincing and I slowly and carefully started talking to him again.
Skip ahead another six months or so. A breaks up with her current flame, in
no small part because she was still attracted to B. One month after
breaking up with her boyfriend, B proposes and she accepts. This set off a
bunch of warning flags in my head, because I still didn’t trust B all the
way. I told A that I thought it was a bad idea. Another friend told B the
same thing, and B went off on a tirade of monumental proportions — called
her horrible names, dug up old arguments, the works. Another giant argument
ensued as I (probably unwisely) defended my friend. B convinced A that I
was really just trying to be buddy-buddy with her ex, and that I wasn’t
really her friend after all. It worked. A won’t talk to me anymore.
Sars, I am very hurt at losing A after a long friendship. She was even a
bridesmaid in my wedding. I want to be friends with her, but I am very
afraid for her because of the scary way that B behaves. He lies easily and
is very good at conning people like her family and friends into thinking
he’s the best thing since sliced bread. (Heck, he convinced me! Twice!)
What should I do?
Smarting in Chicago
Dear Smarting,
You should leave her to it, and you should thank your lucky stars that the situation is no longer yours to deal with. The whole situation is just so melodramatic — he said this, she said that, he repeated the other thing, blah blah blah fishcakes. It just sounds like a parody of an eighth-grade lunch table. Enough. A is an idiot, but she’s also an adult. Let them both go and feel good about it.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships grammar the fam
