Baseball

“I wrote 63 songs this year. They’re all about Jeter.” Just kidding. The game we love, the players we hate, and more.

Culture and Criticism

From Norman Mailer to Wendy Pepper — everything on film, TV, books, music, and snacks (shut up, raisins), plus the Girls’ Bike Club.

Donors Choose and Contests

Helping public schools, winning prizes, sending a crazy lady in a tomato costume out in public.

Stories, True and Otherwise

Monologues, travelogues, fiction, and fart humor. And hens. Don’t forget the hens.

The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

Home » Archive by Category

Articles in Stories, True and Otherwise

So Your Cat Has Ass Breath
February 19, 2001 – 3:07 PM | 17 Comments

A month or two ago, I lugged the Hobe to the vet for his annual check-up. While we waited — well, I waited; the Hobe alternated between pointedly ignoring me and staring daggers at the …

It’s My Way AND The Highway
January 19, 2001 – 2:51 PM | No Comment

I’ve driven to Toronto from New York City and back about half a dozen times now, and each time I make the trip, I reach a point about two hundred and seventy five miles into …

And So It Begins
December 19, 2000 – 11:26 AM | No Comment

I went shopping last Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. I know, I know. But Wing Chun needed Christmas cards, and so did I, and we figured that that whole embrace-that-which-you-most-fear principle had to work for …

Yes, You Can
December 19, 2000 – 11:22 AM | No Comment

My dad is kind of a forbidding guy. He’s tall, he has a basso profundo voice (in high school, my friends would call my line, get the answering machine, call downstairs, hear Dad say “hello,” …

Dear Hammurabi: Help.
November 19, 2000 – 11:39 AM | No Comment

The universe has its laws. Conservation of energy, conservation of matter, the speed at which light travels – all well-known properties of our universe, all proven by science, all memorized by high-school physics students. Other …

Gym Dandy
October 19, 2000 – 11:52 AM | No Comment

Every year at around this time – when I’ve exhumed my sweaters from the back of the closet, returned my mittens to their rightful place on the radiator, and resumed my wintertime habit of grounding …

Mock The Vote
October 19, 2000 – 11:51 AM | No Comment

I have recurring anxiety dreams. In the anxiety dream I have most often, my teeth start to get loose, and in my dream, it’s the weekend, so I can’t go to the dentist, so I …

Summer’s End
September 19, 2000 – 12:43 PM | No Comment

I went to a new bar last night. I do not like going to new bars, and Ernie had to furnish me with notarized documents swearing up, down, and around the side that the new …

Dear Old Golden Rule Days
September 19, 2000 – 12:41 PM | No Comment

I always marked off my childhood summers according to clearly delineated dates. The countdown to getting out of school started at Memorial Day, and then a couple of weeks later, school let out, and we …

Picture Imperfect
September 19, 2000 – 12:33 PM | No Comment
Picture Imperfect

I do not like having my picture taken. Yeah, yeah, everyone says that, and everyone groans when they see pictures of themselves – “Like, could I look any fatter?” and “Okay, they keep talking about …