Tomato Nation is hosting the ATP Round of 16 Hotness for the first time. It’s an honor! But also a grind, as many of our traditional favorites were ousted in the first week of play, leaving me and my esteemed colleagues Couch Baron and Joe R with a series of men whose faces were carved by the Lord out of root vegetables. But we soldiered on, despite several fairly serious disagreements.

Not about Murray, though. Hargh.

(Curious about previous rankings? They’re here, here, and here.)

1 (tie) Viktor Troicki
Country: Serbia
ATP Rank: 34
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Sarah: He’s Serbian Tennis Jesse Pinkman. You may think that’s a bad thing. And that’s fine. We just won’t have much to talk about, then, you and I.

Couch Baron: Finally, the world can learn where true tennis hotness lies. The way the man moves. Everything here, especially the oops-I-dropped-a-quarter shot at the end. The surprisingly strong resemblance to Aaron Paul [“I’m saying! And no, I did not know CB made the same comparison until he sent me his rankings, but I chose a relatively shite pic to point up the resemblance.” — SDB]. And not to step on Joe’s narrative about the subtextual romance between Troicki and Djokovic, but check out 1:35 here.

Joe: The one saving grace of these Wimbledon rankings is that, at long last, my Serbian boyfriend Viktor Troicki (no, no, Janko Tipsarevic is my Serbian husband) has finally cracked the Round of 16. I know he’s a face-maker on the court, and, sure, the googly eyes, but he’s got that not-too-worked-over tennis body perfected, and the little-brother try-hard vibe he’s always had with fellow Serbs Djokovic and Tipsarevic has always been super-cute.

1 (tie) Novak Djokovic
Country: Serbia
ATP Rank: 1
Previous Hotness Ranks: 2, 2, 2 (tie)

Joe: It should be said, at this point, that I am nearly doing these Wimbledon rankings under protest because the first week has been so unnecessarily hostile to our endeavor. At every occasion, it seemed, Fab lost out to Fug. It’s been a brutal six days. So with the exception of a few quite worthy participants, I’m going the passive-aggressive route of making sure to note who could have made the rankings instead of who we got. All that said, none of this applies to Novak Djokovic, whose clean, slender silhouette looks almost Fleet-Week appropriate in Wimbledon whites.

Couch Baron: I’m not super-jazzed about the patchy goatee that looks like it belongs on a fifteen-year-old from the Pacific Northwest (I know you can grow a real one — plan for these big tournaments better, Nole), but in this Hotness-challenged field, Novak would have to do a lot worse to drop significantly.

Sarah: From some angles, he’s a Central-European Josh Hamilton; from others, a beanpole Deliverance extra. But he’s reliably cute and fun to watch, we seldom have to mark down for jerkweedery, and I like ’em tall and lean. And I recently learned he has a poodle named Pierre. Obviously. Because he’s fucking awesome.

3 David Ferrer
Country: Spain
ATP Rank: 5
Previous Hotness Ranks: 3, 1, 2 (tie)

Joe: Props to David for making it happen on grass for the first time. Also props to David for helping the overall hotness quotient keep its head (barely) above water.

Sarah: [pussy joke]

Couch Baron: Still so pretty, and to make a point I think we haven’t covered before, has the best headband-hair around. Some of the women could take lessons.

4 Juan Martin Del Potro
Country: Argentina
ATP Rank: 9
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, 4, 6

Sarah: The only headband on the tour I actively like.

Couch Baron: Still love, but I have to say I’d like to see some more of him in non-tennis attire. Maybe Juan Monaco can take him shopping?

Joe: Lurch on, girlfriend. Lurch on.

 

5 Jo-Wilfried Tsonga
Country: France
ATP Rank: 6
Previous Hotness Ranks: 7, 7, 8

Sarah: Continued strong work in the tonsorial department, and boyfriend is looking a bit less chunky as well. Still not getting a ton of pheromones off the guy, but definitely trending upwards for this correspondent.

Couch Baron: Moving up by virtue of a Hotness void, but losing the fauxhawk is a step in the wrong direction, and his string of consistent results without a big breakthrough spells zzzzz.

Joe: Just as Rafa Nadal’s tragic absence from the later rounds has cleared a path for Tsonga to make his big move to a possible spot in the finals, so does Nadal’s tragic absence from the hotness rankings (at Wimbledon! The white shorts have always showed off his best assets!) help Jo-Wilfried crack my own top 5. Make the most of this opportunity, handsome!

6 Marin Cilic
Country: Croatia
ATP Rank: 18
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Couch Baron: I’m a big fan of his fresh-faced Mediterranean look, even if he always dresses like the fifteen-year-old good boy at the country club. Also have to thank him for closing out Querrey just before a suspension would have been necessary, which would have unacceptably delayed the Hotness Rankings. Glad to see him finally join us.

Joe: You know how when the final Harry Potter movies came out and everybody at the same time was like “Hellooooo, Neville Longbottom!”? Marin Cilic looks exactly like that guy. I was never quite as gaga over ol’ Neville (Team Ron Weasley in a henley), but the look works on Cilic. He’s all gangly Croatian limbs, but he’s got a quality to him.

Sarah: I have to say, I don’t get it. To me, he’s one of those guys who juuuuust missed handsomeness, and as a result is outright unattractive. I’d like to tell you Cilic is one top-flight brow-wax away from Clive Owen, but I can’t.

7 Mardy Fish
Country: United States
ATP Rank: 12
Previous Hotness Ranks: 13, n/a, n/a

Sarah: It’s not Fish’s fault that the “triumphant return after heart whatever blah let’s mention it every five minutes” story started standing on my short hairs within the first hour of Wimbledon coverage, but he doesn’t have much else to offer, honestly. He’s orangey, he’s vaguely reminiscent of William Devane, and he’s married to a Deal or No Deal “briefcase model.” …No deal. Sorry.

Joe: Another beneficiary of a shallow pool. But Mardy’s good-guy qualities definitely bump him up the list a good bit. He still looks like he sweats twice as much as any other player on the tour, but we can work with that.

Couch Baron: You know, Mardy unsurprisingly looks like he’s been through the wringer lately, and I actually think it suits him — he looks a bit more weathered and mature in a way I’m finding appealing. Maybe I’m just falling for his resurgence after a tough year, or maybe I’m just happy he’s one American who’s neither an asshole nor completely soporific (Baker seems to be the other).

8 Florian Mayer
Country: Germany
ATP Rank: 29
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Sarah: Ranking him fairly generously here despite a resemblance to Jeff Daniels that flatters neither man — he’s kind of vintage-looking, and I like a sizable schnozz.

Couch Baron: His features aren’t bad, but he does some really unfortunate things with his mouth (that’s what she said, right, Sarah? [“hee” — SDB]), plus he’s guilty of the crime of saving two match points against hot-ass and festively-named Jerzy Janowicz. On the other hand, he at least has the good taste to get a piece of that.

Joe: (Could have been here: Dimitry Tursonov; Philipp Petzschner; the aforementioned Janowicz.) Tell ’em, Fiona.

9 (tie) Richard Gasquet
Country: France
ATP Rank: 19
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, 9, 12

Sarah: If Le Cumberbache can figure out the hair and avail himself of SPF 50+ on the reg, maybe he can return to his previous glory. As it is, he’s benefiting from a crazy weak hotness draw.

Joe: I feel like we’ve run the gamut on Richard and, until he gets a makeover, he maybe needs to stop making the Round of 16 at the majors and let someone else have a shot. Right? He should do that, right?

Couch Baron: I saw him the other day and it was like his facial features were involved in a civil war. It’s all gone to merde.

9 (tie) Philipp Kohlschreiber
Country: Germany
ATP Rank: 30
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, 14, n/a

Sarah: It’s amazing what a tan will do for a person. Philly the K looks about the same…and yet way better. Of course, not having his picture lined up next to the likes of Janko “G-String Full Of” Tipsarevic isn’t hurting him this time around, but what can we tell you, friends. Weird line-up in 2012.

Joe: You know, I always brushed off ol’ Kohly as fug, but watching him defeat cute little Rafa-beating Lukas Rosol on Saturday, I found myself confused as to who was who (…until I saw them side-by-side). Maybe this is another case of lowered expectations being exceeded.

 Couch Baron: While everyone in the world was marveling at Nadal’s huge upset, we on the Hotness Council were all too aware that Rosol’s inevitable letdown would mean…this. Still, the sad state of the Round of 16 and the fact that Kohlschreiber seems to have his hair under control means a slight upward move.

11 Mikhail Youzhny
Country: Russia
ATP Rank: 33
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Couch Baron: He smiled after his win over Tipsarevic. Not only was he the only one, it was the stuff of nightmares, like Pennywise the Dancing Clown decided to take up tennis. Shiver.

Joe: (Could have been here: Janko Tipsarevic. David Nalbandian.) He’s effing crazy, which is not always a dealbreaker. But sometimes you get this from hitting yourself with your racket, and it is.

Sarah: Youzhny’s head looks like it’s fun to touch. Youzhny himself looks like an enthusiastic armpit-farter. I’m all alone on this one, but: Buntnip!

12 Brian Baker
Country: United States
ATP Rank: 126
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Couch Baron: By no means the greatest, but there’s nothing particularly wrong either, and his inspirational story is worth a bit of a Hotness bump.

Joe: (Could have been here: Feliciano Lopez [sigh], Alex Bogomolov, Benoit Paire.) Baker is your bland suburban neighbor, but he’s not un-attractive, if you go for that sort of thing.

Sarah: …Nope. And lose the hat, Matt Albie.

13 Xavier Malisse
Country: Belgium
ATP Rank: 75
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Joe: (Could have been here: Fernando Verdasco, Paul-Henri Mathieu, Gilles Simon.) Kind of the polar opposite of Baker — not traditionally attractive at all (the ill-conceived scruff, the old-man face, the ponytails), but he’s always done it for me. At least in his younger years.

Couch Baron: Not all of us age that well, and we all have taken an unfortunate photo or two, but I have to imagine Jennifer Capriati seeing this and being all, “I was thinking what now?”

Sarah: Hate the beard, hate the super-slick ponytail. Looks like Jon Favreau got beaten with a wheel of Passendale. Or an Olsen twin.

14 Roger Federer
Country: Switzerland
ATP Rank: 3
Previous Hotness Ranks: 8, 10, 11

Sarah: I’d started to feel a little sorry for R. Fed the last couple of years, but between 1) his nose’s increasingly hostile takeover attempts of his upper lip and 2) the turdly dropshotting he pulled on Julien Benneteau to exploit a leg cramp that probably would have taken care of Benneteau all by itself, I’m back to thinking he’s a twunt again.

Couch Baron: I give Federer credit for not bowing to the upset narrative against Benneteau, but that did nothing to stop his caterpillar eyebrows from their inexorable merge.

Joe: (Could have been here: Fabio Fognini [“amen/sob” — SDB]; the getting-cuter-the-more-sets-he-takes-from-Roger Benneteau.) I was tempted to rank him dead last for pulling out the Benneteau match and nearly ruining my Friday.

15 Denis Istomin
Country: Uzbekistan
ATP Rank: 39
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Couch Baron: If only players could absorb some Hotness from their vanquished foes! That way there might have been some good in Istomin’s wins over Andreas Seppi and Igor Andreev. As it is…no.

Sarah: When I think of the cuties that perished in the draw so that Istomin — a red-herring suspect in one of the lesser Prime Suspect outings, as imagined by Edward Gorey — could show up here, I feel so sad. Seppi, for God’s sack! Uch.

Joe: Old Granny Face. It’s all I can see. I feel bad, because: good for Uzbekistan and all. But here we are.

16 Andy Murray
Country: Great Britain
ATP Rank: 4
Previous Hotness Ranks: 16, 16, 15 (tie)

Joe: (Could have been here: Grigor Dimitrov.) Honestly, I was prepared to cut Andy some slack this time around, if not for him (indirectly, but still) stealing the spot where I would otherwise have been able to embarrass myself about Dimitrov. Hello, Bulgarian nurse!

Couch Baron: That hair sure looks like it’s growing back!

Sarah: To misquote Professor Bryce Harper, “Those are clown teeth, bro.”

Tags:   Aaron Paul   Alex Bogomolov   Andreas Seppi   Andy Murray   Benedict Cumberbatch   Benoit Paire   Breaking Bad   Brian Baker   Bryce Harper   Buntnip   busted teeth   Clive Owen   Couch Baron   David Ferrer   David Nalbandian   Denis Istomin   Dimitry Tursonov   Fabio Fognini   famous boyfriends   Feliciano Lopez   feline fun times   Fernando Verdasco   Flap Horton's Academy of Tonsorial Arts   Florian Mayer   Gilles Simon   Grigor Dimitrov   hairdon'ts   Harry Potter and the Blah-Blah Fishcakes   Igor Andreev   Janko Tipsarevic   Jeff Daniels   Jennifer Capriati   Jerzy Janowicz   Jo-Wilfried Tsonga   Joe R   Jon Favreau   Josh Hamilton   Juan Martin Del Potro   Juan Monaco   Julien Benneteau   Lukas Rosol   Mardy Fish   Marin Cilic   Mikhail Youzhny   Novak Djokovic   Paul-Henri Mathieu   Philipp Kohlschreiber   Philipp Petzschner   Rafael Nadal   Richard Gasquet   Roger Federer   Sam Querrey   Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip   Viktor Troicki   William Devane   Xavier Malisse