To date, I’ve only seen one season of The Bachelor — the one I recapped for TWoP, which happened to feature Brad Womack and his “horrible” “rejection” of two women he barely knew and did not love. I totally supported that choice, as did Miss Alli, who kept me company on the forums three years ago, and then I totally vowed never to watch the show again and bolted, leaving Daniel holding the Bagelor. Sorry, friend.

But it seems that Brad has decided to drink the narrative Kool-Aid and act like he really believes he dicked Jenni and DeAnna over, versus doing them and himself a huge favor, so he’s back for another shot at an insta-wife. It’s a thoroughly dreadful idea that is sure to contain nigh-unwatchable awkwardness and citrus-y skin tones, so obviously Alli and I have to see what happens and then comment on it with far more seriousness than it warrants. We’ll be covering this season of The Bachelor in a weekly update that will probably include intoxicated live-blogging, and we hope you’ll join us.

You might know Alli from TWoP, or from NPR’s Monkey See blog or Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast; if you don’t, you should change that, for these things will better your day. She’s actually Linda Holmes, and she’s awesome. You definitely know me; I work here. Together, we are “Bradelor! DUN!” And so, perhaps, are you.

Sars: …All righty!

Miss Alli: I feel like first, I HAVE to shout out Van Der Beek. I just have to. In the video I assume you saw.

Sars: And retweeted. Good for that guy. I was kind of coming around on him starting with that Kevin Smith movie.

Alli: I have to hand it to him. Props to you, cereal-box-head.

Sars: The one where he gives the finger is great.

Alli: Oh my God, I know. And the O face.

Sars: That…went too far for me.

Alli: Ha! ANYWAY. I am being off-topic.

Sars: Not really. I feel like we saw a bunch of Brad’s O faces on the “this season on The Bachelor” montage. (Segue!)

Alli: It’s amazing how good it wasn’t to see Brad again.

Sars: I almost cannot believe the extent to which he’s internalized this fucked-up and erroneous narrative in which he is an emotionally retarded asshole for not marrying two women he did not love.

Alli: He sold us out! That’s my thing. Everyone who stuck up for him!

Sars: And for him to be apologizing and sucking up to fucking DeAnna of all people, who 1) went on the next season as the Bachelorette, and 2) didn’t marry that guy herself? It’s sick-making.

Alli: Well, right? What makes her the arbiter of anything?

Sars: It was sort of nice to see Jenni again. I liked her. He probably should have given her more of a chance. DeAnna was just scary focused in that J.Lo way.

Alli: Jenni seems like an okay girl. Jenni’s like, “Eh, your loss, sucka.” Which is fine. DeAnna…is not.

Sars: I can just link to all the fulminating I did about this the first time around and save us the trouble. For this season, I have a prediction.

Alli: Go!

Sars: I predict that Brad asks Kewpie Race Car Widow to marry him and she says no. We should have a bet of some sort, actually. For a small cosmetics item or something.

Alli: But I agree about Race Car Widow! And…while we’re at it, it’s not that her story is funny IN THE LEAST, because it isn’t, but the way the show was like, “And he was a race car driver, and he loved racing cars [footage of zooming car], and then…and then…he died in a plane crash.” It was a little bit “PSYCH!” the way they presented it.

Sars: Also, how she didn’t get on the plane herself because she “wasn’t feeling well,” but then! It was morning sickness! Thomas Kinkade couldn’t have written this shit, I’m telling you.

Alli: I know.

Sars: I actually like her okay so far.

Alli: Yeah, she seems fine. I mean, maybe not a great idea to go on this show, but is it ever?

Sars: I feel a little bit bad calling her KRCW, but I can never keep their names straight at this point (and they’re all named Ashlee or Shauntel anyway this year). Except Try-Hard Vampire Teeth, whose name is Madison, and how in the eff did she get a rose.

Alli: Oh holy COW, vampire teeth. I loved how Brad wasn’t POSITIVE, the first time he met her, that they were fake and it was okay to comment on them.

Sars: And THEN he’s like, if they’re a joke, I ain’t got time for jokes. …Henh?

Alli: Well, not THAT joke, maybe. I don’t think I have time for that joke either.

Sars: Girl: you don’t. I did not have time for the opening sequence in which Brad, hanging out at one of his brothers’ houses surrounded by yelling toddlers and sippy cups, basically said straight out that any version of his life story that does NOT end in that is a lonely failure.

Alli: That was so stupid. SO stupid. And it went on forever! “I had panic attacks while…looking at these pie charts on my computer!”

Sars: “During a sunset that symbolizes the end of my chances.” Son, 1) you’re “waiter cute,” you will find someone, and 2) those sperm last foreeeeever. Move to another state and calm the fuck down.

Alli: Also: I hate to dwell on the superficial, but he runs like a dork. They kept showing him running, and I was like, “Not a runner, that guy.”

Sars: I’m SO glad you noticed that too. It reminded me of the slo-mo bits on Alias where Jennifer Garner looked like she was trying out for cheer squad.

Alli: He takes these giant steps where his legs kind of float outward…it’s really strange.

Sars: “Someone’s got some chafing!” Sorry to be gross, but after the numerous (and familiar) soft-core shots of him soaping his pecs…the show opened the door. Also, though? His pants fit kind of weirdly? Maybe he just has a bubble ass.

Alli: He has a strange bod. Nice top half, weirdly gawky bottom half. (While we’re being indelicate.)

Sars: Totes. Hee, “bottom half.”

Alli: Also? He needs to decide about shaving.

Sars: YES.

Alli: Don Johnson called, and he wants you back.

Sars: His shit is a little dated, it’s true.

Alli: He does still have the dimples you can drink tea out of.

Sars: Oh, he’s very handsome. Waiter handsome. And I remembered all over again how good he is at selling “you look beautiful” and “I’m so glad you’re here!” 30 damn times in a row. But…well, I don’t know. Was it you I had this discussion with, about waiters flirting with you and how you appreciate the courtesy without thinking it’s A Thing?

Alli: Yes. Absolutely.

Sars: That’s the thing about Brad. I almost…admire that ability in him. He would be easy to talk to; that’s a gift, definitely. But to date that? That skill does not a personality make. I also think that he’s probably super-scary when he’s mad.

Alli: Like Jake!

Sars: Jake? From Melrose?

Alli: No, no, Jake Pavelka, from…well, also from The Bachelor.

Sars: “Sadly,” I have only watched Bradelor seasons.

Alli: Oh, well, never mind then. Yes, I would believe Brad might be a scary angry dude.

Sars: But o, how I wished he had slapped that one girl right back. Like, what GODDAMN year is it where women are still slapping men? We do not live in Port Charles! The other women in America do not all agree with you that he was the dick here! I’m sure Chris Harrison slipped her a fifty to make that happen, but still. Come ON.

Alli: Yeah, I was like, “Send her home immediately. Put her back in the limo THIS INSTANT, BRADLEY.”

Sars: But he liked it! He called her a spitfire or something! Did Slappy get a rose?

Alli: I think…oh, I’m not sure. I do lose track. I hated Slappy, and not just because of the slap.

Sars: I mostly hated her because of that. I also hated Interruptledee and Interruptledum; Try-Hard Vampire Teeth; and Ineffective Anti-Frizz Strategy. But what do I know; I was like, oh, the dentist lady seems kind of sweet, and then half the this-season montage was about her being bazoo.

Alli: She did seem sweet! She was also the one, I think, who felt kind of how I imagine I would feel (to the degree I can imagine it), in that she wanted him to reassure her, I think, that he WOULDN’T propose if he didn’t feel it.

Sars: Not that she’s not still sweet. This show does things to people. And: yes, I think that was her. I always feel so sad for the ones who, in their exit interviews, think they don’t give a shit and then start crying anyway. “Oh, it’s fine, I’ll find someone. Just not here. …Oh, DAMMIT.”

Alli: Oh, man. Waterproof mascara, people! Women who don’t wear waterproof mascara on this show are like people who don’t practice making a fire before Survivor.

Sars: Or people who don’t learn stick shift for TAR. Hello!

Alli: Right? Same deal.

Sars: I for one would be glad to be eliminated on the first night. It’s less personal and you can get back to your life NOT jumping out of helicopters on dates, catfighting, and shopping at Dress Barn.

Alli: Oh, Dress Barn.

Sars: Those gowns, good God.

Alli: Gowns on the one hand, cocktail dresses with random chunks of sequins on the other!

Sars: And the one that looked like a big old peacock feather, with a plate to rest the breasts on.

Alli: Marshall’s! The Marshall’s CLEARANCE RACK at the sad half-empty mall, is where those came from.

Sars: Mmmmmmm hmm. Or that sad corner of Kohl’s with the puppy placemats and the broken sweater-pill-remove-y doodads. There has GOT to be a way to marry The Bachelor and the Fug Girls.

Alli: In my dreams there is.

Sars: Besides on Twitter late at night. (Hi Jessica!)

Alli: Yeah. There was also one whose hair looked like she literally put it up in the limo while sticking her head out of the sunroof. At highway speeds.

Sars: That’s who I meant by Ineffective Anti-Frizz. She had a royal blue schmatte on? She got a rose, if I recall correctly, and I was like, keep her if you want, but give her a comb, not a flower.

Alli: For real! You’re on television! Like…a Bump-It would serve you better than that.

Sars: And a Topsy-Tail. …HA! Great minds.

Alli: The full complement of infomercial assistance.

Sars:…Great minds who know the Popeil oeuvre.

Alli: Slankets ahoy!

Sars: There’s a gross Pocket Fisherman joke here, but let’s just leave it. So, we’re in agreement on Kewpie Widow. Any other predictions for the season?

Alli: What of Vampy Teeth? I assume she doesn’t last long. Because that’s not much of a gimmick.

Sars: Well, not in a conversation. (Sorry!)

Alli: And God knows The Bachelor is all about conversation.

Sars: Maybe he’s hoping to find out how she manages a BJ with those things. (Hey, Harrison: just make the check out for that DVD-extra idea to Early Girl Inc. Thanks.)

Alli: They seem contraindicated in that situation, I have to say.

Sars: Maybe THAT’S why Brad rejected DeAnna and Jenni. He thought they couldn’t handle his (extremely well-disguised) kink. “Sometimes I leave ONE SOCK ON!” (That’s…totally not why, but anyway.)

Alli: I couldn’t believe they spent almost half the show last night on all that “Brad’s Painful Past” nonsense.

Sars: …Oh, I know. I was happy to see that Chris Harrison is still the least hardworking man in show business. “One rose left there, chief.” THANKS, CHRIS.

Alli: Seriously. WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE, CHRIS HARRISON?

Sars: To give Brad shit he doesn’t even believe himself? I would LOVE to get Chris Harrison drunk sometime.

Alli: Well, as I wrote about, I talked to him at press tour. He was a cipher! Not really.

Sars: I feel like he knows he has the easiest job on earth. Wear a suit, ask stupid questions, occasionally remind orange famewhores how to count.

Alli: That is a very good job description.

Sars: He does it quite well. I wonder if he has some secret arcane hobby that makes him awesome, or if he’s just…that all day. “Cut!” “Now, about my masters in botany…”

Alli: I somehow doubt that. It’s like the GBC discussion of whether Pat Sajak is secretly a jazz trumpeter.

Sars: That is more believable than Harrison, like, running a foundation for destitute elderly blues musicians or something.

Alli: It really is. Sajak is like, “HEY! I could be a trumpeter.”

Sars: I like to make up inner lives for famous people; it makes me uncomfortable to think they don’t have any. Sarah Michelle Gellar just…sittin’ in her charger all night long, staring. Or…patenting a pasta-maker add-on! Much more satisfying. (Sajak: “Noooo, that was ME.”)

Alli: You really do need this. This inner-life business, I mean. Not THIS. Nobody needs THIS.

Sars: Even Brad does not need this, which is the most maddening part of the entire enterprise.

Alli: Seriously, Brad! It’s okay! You don’t need Ellen DeGeneres to forgive you!

Sars: Oh, THAT nonsense. I’d forgotten all about it until yesterday. I was so disappointed in her. I vaguely recall both of us wailing at our TVs in the TWoP bullpen.

Alli: We totally did! “Shut up, Ellen!”

Sars: “Oh, ELLEN.” Everyone else in the bullpen: “Oh, SARAH/LINDA.”

Alli: I was saying to Stephen as we were watching that if you find yourself pouring out your heart about romance to a woman, only you keep having to say “you guys” — as in, “I really fell for you guys, you guys look beautiful, I’m really sorry about what I did to you guys” — SOMETHING IS WRONG.

Sars: I agree. The pronouns are all wrong. What’s funny about that, though, to me — funny peculiar, mind you — is that there’s all this emphasis on the fairytale aspect of romance, a la “Cinderella.” And it does have a certain fairytale quality to it, but one of the dark, sexuality-punishing ones. Like “Blackbeard” or “The Red Shoes.”

Alli: Ha! Well, seriously. See also: the scandal that always arises when someone is (DUN!) divorced.

Sars: You just had to bring up Bettina, didn’t you. That was the only thing about her and her crappy family I didn’t hate.

Alli: She had the crazy father, right?

Sars: Yeah, Professor Disappointed.

Alli: Oh, YES, yes, yes.

Sars: We were all making fun of his website on the forums because it contained so many flagrant usage errors, but he was all snotty about Brad owning bars.

Alli: Ha ha! That’s right. Oh, that guy.

Sars: Meeeeeemorieeeeees!

Alli: Oh, Bettina.

Sars: Well, until the herd gets thinned out a bit, I don’t have much else to say. Except that I look forward to our coverage (and possible live-blogging!) of The Bradelor this season.

Alli: No, that’s very true. I don’t have much, either. I need to learn their names, for one thing.

Sars: No, you don’t.

Alli: No, I guess I don’t. Vampy Teeth it is!

Sars: Spork Comb, Slappy…it’s not like we don’t know who we’re talking about. One of them’s probably named Britnee.

Alli: One of them was named Britnee, but she didn’t get a rose. That’s the only one whose name I noticed when she was crying at the end.

Sars: Wait, there was a Sarah! Which never happens anymore because reality contestants are too young. I think she got a rose. Black dress? She seemed okay. There’s nothing worse than sharing a name with an odious reality person. (Or vice-presidential candidate.) So that was a relief.

Alli: She did seem okay, I think. Wait, what was the manscaper’s name? Because: “Manscaper.”

Sars: I liked her until she manscaped his wrist. But I don’t remember her actual name. I was calling her Waxy McGee. (“The Jazz Trumpeter.” Just kidding.)

Alli: I did not need to hear the word “undercarriage” in that context.”

Sars: I did not need the crunchy close-up of the fabric strip with Brad’s WRIST HAIR on it.

Alli: Bleaaaarrrrrgh.

Sars: It was like that scene in Tootsie where the director asks for a close-up and the whole control room yells, “NOT TOO CLOSE.”

Alli: Double bleeeaaaaaaarrrrrrgh.

Sars: Yeah, this season’s going to be…something.

Alli: It really is. I think you’re probably right that he will be turned down in The Ultimate Irony. That is AT LEAST going to be threatened.

Sars:…In a rock canyon, apparently. Not sure I agree 100% with your location work, there, Lou.

Alli: As long as Brad has to run all the way. That’s really all I ask, is more Brad running footage.

Sars: I wouldn’t mind an “I used to be a dude” reveal, but I’ll settle for more running. Until next time, we are your reluctant Bradelor correspondents!

Alli: Until next time! BRADELOR!

Tags:   Brad Womack   Bradelor!   Chris Harrison   Daniel   DeAnna Pappas   Ellen DeGeneres   friends   Go Fug Yourself   James Van Der Beek   Jenni Croft   Kevin Smith   Miss Alli   Monkey See   parenting gone horribly awry   Pop Culture Happy Hour   Ron Popeil   sexism   Stephen Thompson   TV