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Home » Culture and Criticism

Girls’ Bike Club

Submitted by on June 7, 2004 – 9:04 AMNo Comment

Sarah: Do you happen to know if there’s a planet in retrograde?

Wing Chun: Why, because Reagan died?

Sarah: You know, I hadn’t even thought of that. I could totally count that. My hair, Hobey’s teeth, J.Lo getting married again —

Wing Chun: Oh, she set a date?

Sarah: Huh? No, dude. She’s married.

Wing Chun: Oh, no — she’s just engaged.

Sarah: Yahoo News wouldn’t lie.

Wing Chun: They got married?

Sarah: This is what I’m telling you.

Wing Chun: But he wasn’t even divorced yet!

Sarah: Well, I think it was like, sign the papers, blow on the papers to dry the ink, get married.

Wing Chun: I know it’s been said many times many ways, but…ew.

Sarah: Seriously. I just don’t understand what he’s thinking.

Wing Chun: He’s thinking he hasn’t gotten any press in four years.

Sarah: Still. I can’t see how it’s worth it, unless she’s really good in bed.

Wing Chun: She isn’t.

Sarah: Heh.

Wing Chun: Well, come on.

Sarah: Oh, I know. You just said it with such authority.

Wing Chun: Again…come on. She’s just not.

Sarah: Oh, I totally agree with you. She’d try really really hard, but it would just be…

Wing Chun: Hard.

Sarah: Totally.

Wing Chun: Like, “Okay, I read in a book that this is going to blow your mind,” and then she’d just be all grimly determined about it.

Sarah: God, completely. “No, this is going to blow your mind. IT IS.”

Wing Chun: Not sexy at all.

Sarah: And yet, these guys go for it. I don’t get it.

Wing Chun: Maybe she’s a sparkling conversationalist.

Sarah: I don’t see that being the case. She’s probably got a book for that too.

Wing Chun: God, can you imagine going on a date with her?

Sarah: It would be like one of those social hygiene films on dating dos and don’ts, except in the back of an SUV limo.

Wing Chun: Oh, totally.

Sarah: “We’ve got loads in common! Gee, that’s swell!”

Wing Chun: “Marry me!”

Sarah: “Right now!”

Wing Chun: “Driver, take us to Vegas.”

Sarah: “But he’s still married to –” “I SAID TAKE US TO VEGAS!”

Wing Chun: Man.

Sarah: I know.

Wing Chun: That’s probably what killed Reagan.

Sarah: I know, right?

Wing Chun:Again she got married? Okay, I’m out.”

Sarah: The one year I didn’t pick him for my dead pool. The one year.

Wing Chun: You didn’t? Dude. That was, like, a sure thing.

Sarah: It was a sure thing the last six years I picked him, too.

Wing Chun: Good point.

Sarah: I figured, the dude is just not going to die.

Wing Chun: The Pope, either. Did you pick him?

Sarah: I thought you couldn’t pick them both.

Wing Chun: No, that was Hope.

Sarah: Oh, yeah.

Wing Chun: Hope or Pope, not both.

Sarah: Right, now I remember.

Wing Chun: Not that the Pope is going to die either, ever. Which…not that I’m wishing death on anyone, because, obviously not, but…

Sarah: Oh, I hear you. It’s just sad at this point.

Wing Chun: I mean, we’re well beyond “infirm” and into…I don’t even know what.

Sarah: This is horrible, but every time I see him on TV, it reminds me of when parents tape little hairbows to their babies’ heads.

Wing Chun: Why would…okay, I can see that. Because the miter is about to fall over his face.

Sarah: Totally. And the only reason it doesn’t is because some cardinal put spirit gum on the inside so it would stick to his head.

Wing Chun: Aw.

Sarah: I know.

Wing Chun: I feel all sorry for the Pope now.

Sarah: I know! It’s messed up.

Wing Chun: But I don’t feel sorry for Reagan at all.

Sarah: Well, but he died, so…

Wing Chun: Right, but I never felt sorry for him.

Sarah: I didn’t either, really. I’m kind of sad he died, though, in a weird way.

Wing Chun: But, with nonstop eulogizing in the press, though?

Sarah: Oh, I agree that’s gross, it’s just — he was president for, like, basically my entire childhood, and I remember when he got shot and all that. I don’t know. I can’t think of anyone else’s death to compare it to. Mr. Rogers?

Wing Chun: But Mr. Rogers didn’t sit around all, “AIDS crisis? What?”

Sarah: No, I know. Maybe it was his whole grandfatherly vibe, I don’t know.

Wing Chun: Dude.

Sarah: Yeah, yeah, I know.

Wing Chun: I just always think of that rubber mask version of him from the Genesis video.

Sarah: Oh my God, talk about creepy. That video was so bitchy to him, too, I loved it.

Wing Chun: And when he woke up all sweaty?

Sarah: Ewwww, yeah! I totally forgot about that video.

Wing Chun: Well. Genesis.

Sarah: Well. Yes.

Wing Chun: I wish a planet would go retrograde on Phil Collins.

Sarah: Heh. So much for not wishing death on anyone.

Wing Chun: Oh, I don’t want him to die. I just want him to stop composing Oscar-nominated treacle.

Sarah: God, who doesn’t.

Wing Chun: Beats me.

Sarah: Mrs. Collins, maybe.

Wing Chun: Still.

Sarah: And the little Collinses.

Wing Chun: The little Collinses can get paper routes.

Sarah: Hee.

Wing Chun: Well, really. In fact, Phil can get one too.

Sarah: Now that is a mental picture.

Wing Chun: I know, right?

Sarah: Six in the morning…he’s pedaling around with a basket full of newspapers…

Wing Chun: Muttering about he’s so going to get Peter Gabriel for this.

Sarah: Ha! Totally. And people are peering out from behind their drapes all, “That Collins chap is losing it.”

Wing Chun: “I do believe that’s a girls’ bicycle.”

Sarah: Oh my God. That is brilliant.

Wing Chun: Phil Collins on a pink banana-seater.

Sarah: With handlebar streamers.

Wing Chun: And a white straw basket with plastic flowers stuck on it.

Sarah: That are all dirty because he always leaves the bike out in the driveway.

Wing Chun: And his wife yells at him to put it away.

Sarah: “Philip Collins, how many times do I have to tell you?”

Wing Chun: “When are you going to learn to take care of your things?”

Sarah: Hee hee. And he’s all Max Fischer, “I wrote a hit song!”

Wing Chun: “Yeah, I heard. Go wash your hands before supper.”

Sarah: Aw.

Wing Chun: Do not feel sorry for Phil Collins.

Sarah: He’s riding a girls’ bike, dude.

Wing Chun: He brought it on himself.

Sarah: With handlebar streamers. That’s not sort of sad?

Wing Chun: “Yooouuuuuu’ll be in myyyy heeeeart!”

Sarah: Yeah, good point.

Wing Chun: This is what I’m telling you.

Sarah: Actually, he should form a Girls’ Bike Club with Jeremy London and Brian Bonsall.

Wing Chun: Oh, Lord. Bonsall.

Sarah: I love how none of the online news sources had an updated picture of him —

Wing Chun: — so they just ran that ancient one of him from the Family Ties credits, I know! Like, no wonder he got pulled over — he’s four!

Sarah: I know, right? And they ask him how much he had to drink, and he clambers down from a stack of phone books and is all, “Plenty,” in a baby voice.

Wing Chun: Hee.

Sarah: That ruled.

Wing Chun: What did London do, again?

Sarah: Marijuana possession, I think? And vandalizing a cell phone, and he was screaming at his girlfriend or something.

Wing Chun: Right, I forgot the cell phone vandaliz…ation? I still don’t think I quite see what that consists of.

Sarah: Me neither. What, he wrote “Crips” on it in Sharpie?

Wing Chun: And since when is that a crime, anyway? It’s not like it’s public property.

Sarah: Dude, don’t ask me.

Wing Chun: I don’t even know which London it was.

Sarah: Jeremy.

Wing Chun: No, I know, I just don’t know which London Jeremy is.

Sarah: The puffy one who’s on 7th Heaven now.

Wing Chun: Man.

Sarah: Except it looks like he’s not on 7th Heaven anymore, probably, because apparently cell phone vandaliz…iz…ing does not represent good Christian values.

Wing Chun: The pot probably didn’t help.

Sarah: If I’m Jeremy London, I’m arguing that it was medicinal.

Wing Chun: He has cataracts?

Sarah: Have you watched an episode of 7th Heaven lately?

Wing Chun: Ah, gotcha.

Sarah: Definitely a mitigating circumstance.

Wing Chun: Definitely. And hey, if people are always asking which twin I am, and I’m “the puffy one who’s on 7th Heaven now”…

Sarah: You’re self-medicating.

Wing Chun: Heavily.

Sarah: Although it’s not like being the non-puffy one is that great either.

Wing Chun: At least he’s not on 7th Heaven.

Sarah: Au contraire. Guest appearances.

Wing Chun: “Appearances” plural?

Sarah: Actually, I’m not sure, but he did at least one.

Wing Chun: That’s one too many. Man, check out this IMDb entry.

Sarah:A Midsummer Night’s Rave“? Jeez.

Wing Chun: Boy better get a paper route, is what I’m saying.

Sarah: For real. Boy better get two.

Wing Chun: Nice of him to step into the B-movie vacuum left by Kiefer, though.

Sarah: Except that this is more like the Z-movie vacuum left by…I don’t even know who. Rick Rossovich?

Wing Chun: Heh. Or that dude who was in Eddie and the Cruisers.

Sarah: Michael Paré, and you’re so right.

Wing Chun: Or Eric Roberts.

Sarah: Ha!

Wing Chun: Now, Eric Roberts on a girls’ bike — that is comedy, right there.

Sarah: Dude.

Wing Chun and Sarah: “DEY TOOK MY BIKE, CHAHHHHLIE!”

Sarah: Hee.

Wing Chun: Ohhhhh man. Man.

Sarah: What?

Wing Chun: Guess who else is joining the Girls’ Bike Club?

Sarah: Oh, no. Who?

Wing Chun: Guess.

Sarah: Who?

Wing Chun: Guess.

Sarah: God, I don’t know. David Cassidy.

Wing Chun: Hee. No.

Sarah: Aw, too bad.

Wing Chun: You know he’d be all crabby about having to wear a helmet, too.

Sarah: Oh, clearly. God forbid he mush his hairplugs. Okay, who else…Corey Haim.

Wing Chun: No. But I bet he already rides one, and he tries to pass it off like “everyone’s riding girls’ bikes now.”

Sarah: I can see that.

Wing Chun: And he knows all the specs of the bike, and he’ll just be stoned and rambling about them.

Sarah: Now that is sad, you have to admit.

Wing Chun: That is pretty sad.

Sarah: Because I bet it’s true. And I bet he yells at kids when he parks it at the beach and they touch it and stuff.

Wing Chun: And then they’re like, “Sorry, mister. Hey, what happened to your teeth?”

Sarah: I sort of feel like crying now.

Wing Chun: No crying. Guessing.

Sarah: Right, guessing. OJ?

Wing Chun: Oh, man. That is a true crime book waiting to happen.

Sarah: He’d be falling off the bike because he’s way too big for it…the others would be laughing at him…

Wing Chun: He’d fly into a rage…

Sarah: Slam his Pokemon helmet down on the sidewalk…

Wing Chun: It’s not OJ.

Sarah: Thank God.

Wing Chun: Seriously.

Sarah: Okay…okay, I don’t know.

Wing Chun: One more guess.

Sarah: Uh…I need a hint.

Wing Chun: He’s big in Germany.

Sarah: Michael Jackson?

Wing Chun: Michael Jackson is a girls’ bike.


Wing Chun: Wow, I didn’t realize how disgusting that sounded.

Sarah: Except, wait. He’s actually a boys’ bike, because —

Wing Chun: Please don’t finish that thought. Please. Seriously.

Sarah: I…feel all barfy now.

Wing Chun: Me too.

Sarah: No, seriously.

Wing Chun: No, me too.

Sarah: It’s not Michael Jackson, though, right?

Wing Chun: No.

Sarah: So…oh, no. Hasselhoff?

Wing Chun: Indeed, it is Hasselhoff.

Sarah: What happened?

Wing Chun: Suspicion of DUI.

Sarah: Oh, Hasselhoff. Come on now.

Wing Chun: After he did rehab and everything, too.

Sarah: Wow, I forgot about that.

Wing Chun: It says here they kept him overnight.

Sarah: Daaaaaaamn.

Wing Chun: That must have been a fun drunk tank.

Sarah: Well, but seriously? He seems like a pretty cool guy. Except for the driving drunk, which is uncool.

Wing Chun: No, I know what you mean. I have enjoyed his E! True Hollywood Story appearances.

Sarah: Me too! I like how he’s all, “I was on the dumbest show in the world and made lots of money, which is nice.”

Wing Chun: Yeah, he doesn’t seem like an asshole.

Sarah: Aw, poor Hasselhoff.

Wing Chun: Maybe there is a planet in retrograde. What’s with you feeling sorry for everyone?

Sarah: Yeah, I don’t know. Also, my hair looks great even though it’s all humid and I have a cold, so something’s going on in the universe.

Wing Chun: I guess, yeah.

Sarah: And what’s with it still being cold out?

Wing Chun: Dude, and I’m not one to complain about that, but — enough.

Sarah: Neither am I, but — word.

Wing Chun: Because I don’t like the heat, but I bought all these cute hot-weather clothes.

Sarah: That is exactly it. Exactly it.

Wing Chun: And they’re just sitting.

Sarah: With the tags still on, I know.

Wing Chun: I’m sick of pants.

Sarah: Me too. Capris included.

Wing Chun: I thought you got that new pair you liked.

Sarah: Oh, I did, but then I got all this other new stuff too, and I have this compulsion where, when I get new clothes, I have to wear them right away —

Wing Chun: I have the same thing, totally.

Sarah: But — sleeveless tops! Which are so cute! But it’s too cold!

Wing Chun: And you try to wear it anyway, because it’s new, but then halfway through the day you have to put on a cardigan.

Sarah: Yeah.

Wing Chun: It just feels like a defeat.

Sarah: It does!

Wing Chun: I feel you.

Sarah: Of course, the minute it gets really hot —

Wing Chun: Yeah, but that isn’t the point. The point is that it’s June and we’ve got t-shirts going to waste.

Sarah: I get so excited when it’s supposed to get above seventy.

Wing Chun: Is that hot?

Sarah: It’s like…hold on…it’s like low twenties centigrade.

Wing Chun: That’s not even that hot, though.

Sarah: I know, that’s what I mean! Like, “Well, at least my toes won’t turn blue if I wear sandals today.”

Wing Chun: God, it’s so annoying. You’re shaving your legs all, why am I fucking bothering.

Sarah: And shivering. Totally.

Wing Chun: Damn you, planets! Damn you to hell!

Sarah: Amen.

Wing Chun: Well, I have to go.

Sarah: Going to Starbucks?

Wing Chun: Yep.

Sarah: For hot chocolate?

Wing Chun: Sigh. Yep. What are you up to?

Sarah: Polishing my toenails, which nobody will see for like a week.

Wing Chun: Heh. Have fun.

June 7, 2004



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