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Home » Culture and Criticism

Bradelor! DUN!: Boo, Urns

Submitted by on February 15, 2011 – 12:23 PM5 Comments

At long and uncomfortable last, the Bachelor producers allowed Brad to eject Brows McGee last night — and yet the episode still dragged, to the point where we spend most of this week’s Bradelor! DUN! installment discussing previews that Miss Alli didn’t even watch.

You may know Miss Alli as Linda Holmes of NPR’s Monkey See blog. You definitely know me; I hate Amy March. Together, we’re Bradelor! DUN!, and we’ve more or less accepted our mortality.

Sars: …What’s the opposite of “Michello”? “Mich-au revoir”?

Miss Alli: Thank goodness, yes.

Sars: Obviously I’m not unhappy with that outcome, but what an odd time to decide that she’s too aggressive. …Well, “decide.”

Alli: If we follow the theory that the producers made him keep her, it might make some sense that that didn’t extend to, like, meeting her mom and dad.

Sars: That’s true. And given that another of the contenders has a child, I can see them not wanting to stick their hands in that twice. Especially not with her. And BRIELLE.

Alli: Ugh. It was interesting how she left. Like, “Don’t speak to me.” I kind of anticipated more of a…production.

Sars: The endless shot of her lying down in the limo, completely dry-eyed: perfect.

Alli: Yeah. Like she cares.

Sars: Once Brad decided not to go through with the cocktail party, she got VERY nervous. And on the one hand, it was the first emotion that seemed genuine to me, from her. On the other hand, that “emotion” was clearly the reaction of a narcissistic personality being threatened.

Alli: Very true. I don’t understand how what she was doing this week was any different from what she does always.

Sars: Oh, it wasn’t. Brad was scrambling to come up with a spin for it that wasn’t “you know, you’re…just an asshole.” But that’s the bottom line.

Alli: The part of it that seemed honest was when he was like, “Uh, I’m hot for her. But no.”

Sars: “We’re both stubborn; that won’t work.” Everybody’s stubborn. The two of them just wouldn’t have anything else to talk about. Not that he does with Emily either, that I can tell, honestly.

Alli: I thought it was very interesting that Chantal was basically, as I read it, saying, “If it’s just me and Emily, I can live with that, but if you can’t pick me above Ashley and Michelle, then just fuck off already.”

Sars: Oh, Chantal.

Alli: So drunk.

Sars: I tweeted something snide last night about how she should maybe lay off the filet at dinner, and I would like to clarify that she isn’t fat, obviously — but the amount of weight she appears to have put on since filming began is startling.

Alli: Seriously, I am almost concerned about her. She’s really amped up, and she seems to deal with that by boozing. And maybe eating.

Sars: She did seem to be on the point of tears pretty much continuously last night.

Alli: Yeah. I mean, at some point, it actually becomes…like, “This is not a great idea.”

Sars: Like, she had a pregnancy-shaped belly. I have been there with the stress-eating and -drinking, and I don’t judge her, but that kind of bloat should tell you that whatever situation you’re in, you should try to get out of.

Alli: Right, I totally agree. It’s not that she’s fat, it’s that it’s changing rapidly, which suggests it’s not functional.

Sars: Exactly. They had this one shot of her from the side that was just…marked. And then she’s watching Ashley pose with the conches over her boobs and looking like she’s going to vomit. Awful.

Alli: Obviously, I’m combining that with other data. Such as her constant weeping while saying she can’t believe she’s weeping, which is often a sign that something is amiss. She does that A LOT.

Sars: And every conversation is about her trying to spin the crying and the “I love you,” and him looking completely overmatched and uncomfortable.

Alli: It’s weird how it often happens that at some point during this stupid freak show, I often wind up actually concerned about someone.

Sars: Then let me take it to a shallow place for a moment. Do they have an in-house waxer on call at the bachelorette quarters?


Sars: They spend a lot of time in bikinis, sitting in positions I wouldn’t sit in in cargo shorts.

Alli: IN HD. I agree. It’s a…well, it’s a tricky problem.

Sars: I just wonder if they put a little sign-up sheet on the fridge, like, “There’s a pool party tomorrow. If anyone needs to…address that, we’ll send an aesthetician.”

Alli: That is an interesting question. I assume the girls have access to a variety of things. I assume they get their hair done (despite how things sometimes look) for the rose ceremonies and sometimes the dates.

Sars: I was wondering a variation of that when we first saw Chantal in her bikini last night — like, is there someone she can call to send her the next size dress? Or does she just have to try to cram into what she brought?

Alli: I assume there are appearance consultants of some sort.

Sars: And yet, Emily was wearing that Pier One marked-down placemat last night.

Alli: I feel like we’re heading for an Emily ending, except that it seems so obvious that maybe it’s going to flake out at the last minute?

Sars: I think we’ve seen a snippet of that in the “this season on Bradelor” montage.

Alli: I’ve so totally forgotten.

Sars: My prediction at this point is that it comes down to Emily and Shawntel, and he ends up booting Emily because she’s not all gung-ho about confusing her five-year-old with a relationship that may not go anywhere. Ashley is, I think, only still there because she isn’t Michelle, and Chantal will be institutionalized before the end of the next episode.

Alli: Ashley does seem doomed. I think she kinda knows how to guilt that guy.

Sars: I think she doesn’t really like him That Way and she’s just playing out the string, which I respect.

Alli: That is an interesting point.

Sars: I was not getting a vibe from her last night that suggested she was all that invested.

Alli: Right, I think neither of them is. Which is good.

Sars: Although I’m sick of his complaints about her “walls.” You let Michelle slither all over you; live with it.

Alli: Well, honestly. On the one hand, he’s like, “I think I let it go too far.” But then he doesn’t understand that THIS HAS CONSEQUENCES.

Sars: Or that he could have just told her to step off. Unless he couldn’t. But he’s all “I don’t care about the rules, I’m promising you a rose” on his date with Emily, but then when it’s part of “the rules” to let the producers sic Michelle on him, he’s…fine with it?

Alli: And then he wants credit for taking care of Britt so carefully by cutting her loose…it’s super-weird.

Sars: Right. “I had to tell her, I’M SO HONORABLE.” At least they didn’t make her swim back to the house, but…1) like she cared, and 2) like that was Brad’s choice to do it that way. I loved her line about how “terrified” is her default mode, but that wasn’t going to go anywhere between them.

Alli: I think she’s a really nice girl. Probably too good for him.

Sars: She seems pretty no-nonsense, which makes it all the more surprising that she made it this far on the show. Heh. She needs to cut her hair, though.

Alli: She really does. Or learn to roll it or something.

Sars: Grow the bangs out a bit. It’s a little trying-to-be-Hepburn and it doesn’t work for her.

Alli: Yeah. I mean, I felt for her that she didn’t get to spend any time with him until last night, so she was behind before she even got started. He did kind of let that putter along endlessly without actually getting to know her, so the fact that he feels like they’re still strangers isn’t entirely a reflection on her personality.

Sars: His VO about that got on my nerves. “We’re in The Most Romantic Place In The World, and I don’t feel like grabbing her and kissing her. GET THEE BEHIND ME, BRITT.” …Okay, ass.

Alli: I think hanging around with a large number of exceedingly hot and very aggressive women has made him feel like he should feel OVERWHELMING sexual chemistry, or else something is wrong. He should be looking for spark; he’s looking for “I can barely keep my hands off you.”

Sars: He should be looking for “we have something to talk about besides meta relationship topics.” That not being possible, I agree with you.

Alli: Oh, of course. But you’re talking about a level of sanity we’re not going to get.

Sars: I should really stop doing that, you’re right.

Alli: Well, for your own good.

Sars: So: I’m DREADING next week. The previews made it look even more horrifyingly uncomfortable than usual.

Alli: I turned it off before the previews, I admit.

Sars: Here’s the short form, which you probably had already guessed because you live in the world: Emily’s kid acts like a typical kindergartner, which is somehow cause for consternation; and Brad is weirded out by Shawntel’s workplace, as if he’d have to go to her job with her if they got married.

Alli: Man, that guy really does deserve whatever he gets.

Sars: She’s all joking around about his cremation-urn nook, and he’s making “EW DEATH” faces, like, no offense, Pecs McGlib, but you’re not 20.

Alli: Well, it’s so babyish. Like, people die. This is what happens. It will happen to everyone. One day, you’ll have to arrange someone’s funeral. Get a grip.

Sars: And it’s not like she’s doing it freelance from home in your spare bedroom, God. It’s a good living, and she knows how to wash her hands. Come on.

Alli: It is a good living, and one that’s not especially recession-affected, I would think. She takes care of her damn self; it’s not a bad thing.

Sars: But we can bitch about this in full next week when the producers literally make him lie on the embalming table. Anything else on last night’s Michelle-vederci episode?

Alli: I don’t think so, dude. This is always the boring part, where he’s killing off the last couple who have been roadkill forever, and all the other relationships are stalled out while he tries not to give away who he wants to pick.

Sars: Indeed. I was mildly surprised that the producers let him neg Michelle before the home visits — excuse me, “hometown dates”; nice of me to compare it to an inspection by a parole officer — but at this point it’s more a matter of how he’s going to get rid of Ashley and Chantal, not “whether.”

Alli: Perhaps we’ll start finding out next week!

Sars: Your use of the verb “start,” while no doubt accurate, is depressing. Hey, show: get on with it.

Alli: Well. You know. We still have to have that, and then the “Women Tell All” thing, and then whatever damn Director’s Cut nonsense. You know.

Sars: Yes. Yes I do.

Alli: We’re still years away from knowing whether he picks Emily or sends her back to sleep with an urn from now on.

Sars: No kidding. “Which woman will Brad choose? Let’s let continental drift decide!”

Alli: By then, it’ll be like, “HAL 3100, will you accept this rose?”

Sars: And his dentures fall out. Brad-um bum!




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