In today’s installment of Bradelor! DUN!, Miss Alli and I have sync-ing issues; Emily has NASCAR issues; Chris Harrison has sensitivity and disingenuity issues; and Lisa’s hair has the same issues it always does…for the very last time. Now with more yummy cake, random comments about nailpolish, and intrusions from the feline critical establishment!

Miss Alli is, of course, Linda Holmes. She’s the chief cook and bottle-washer at NPR’s Monkey See blog, and she’d like you to consider the similarities between The Bachelor and Logan’s Run. I’m Sarah D. Bunting, and I shouldn’t have taken a day off from Oscars Death Race for this shit. Together, we’re Bradelor! DUN! And we’re not lonesome tonight, but thanks for asking!

Sars: Did someone just say “That’s forward”? I hate this show so much sometimes.

Miss Alli: I’m sure someone did.

Sars: “This is one of the nicest malls in the world.” WOW.

Alli: Ha ha ha, I know.

Sars: Yes, Brad. Every woman’s “dream” is to be kept in high mall style.

Alli: “What girl doesn’t dream of a shopping spree at the mall?” Oh, I don’t know. ANYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT A DREAM IS SUPPOSED TO BE?

Sars: Oh, here’s the Pretty Woman reference. It’s amazing how this show corrupts perfectly good words and makes them cheap.

Alli: WHAT WOMAN COULD DREAM OF MORE?!!???!?

Sars: Speaking of cheap, calamine lotion is a buck a bottle, Michelle. Put some on that stress acne.

Alli: Oh, Michelle.

Sars: Couldn’t the production have the girls go OUT to meet Brad, instead of having him come IN and be all awkward with the non-date girls in their bathrobes?

Alli: In theory.

Sars: You are on the roof of a MALL. It isn’t Paris in the springtime, or the Grand Canyon. So what’s with the oohing and aahing?

Alli: Oh, but it IS, really. All right, you watch Mall People, and I will go buy my actual lunch and come back.

Sars: Don’t buy anything you don’t want to see again. Hee.

Alli: Roger that.

*****

Sars: “Think of all of our orifices.” No thank you, Shawntel. Why are they always so taken with fireworks? They’re fireworks. What are you, Mennonites?

Alli: Fireworks are a sin. I’m just happy to know you’re getting to Race Widow Goes To The Track.

Sars: I really can’t believe the show went there.

Alli: Harrison insists it was a pure coincidence, planned before she was ever cast.

Sars: But once she WAS cast, they really needed to…not. This isn’t some “I’m afraid of spiders” fear-confront-y date.

Alli: Oh, I agree, don’t worry.

Sars: Oh, I know you do. I’m just grossed out. I’m reading Harrison’s blog right now.

Alli: He is officially as full of shit as Probst.

Sars: And that is full indeed.

Alli: Yes, it is.

Sars: I don’t disagree that the experience could be therapeutic for Emily, but for Harrison to be taking credit for that is odious.

Alli: Andy Dehnart argues that you can tell Brad is pissed at the producers (for being set up thusly) when she tells him this story, and I cannot disagree.

Sars: I just watched that bit, and he glances off-camera for a split second like he’s looking for someone to ream. As well he should.

Alli: When he says “I feel like a jerk,” I read a lot of “I feel like I’m being made to look like a completely insensitive dick here.”

Sars: He also said they could all leave if she felt weird. I kind of wish we’d seen that happen.

Alli: Yeah. I mean, who knows what’s bullshit, but when he’s like, “I’ll leave, we’ll ALL leave, the minute you feel uncomfortable,” I have to think that’s mostly the guy trying not to be, you know, inhuman.

Sars: I think he was legit disgusted with the situation.

Alli: I think he was, too.

Sars: Some of it, I don’t think he realizes that it’s gross, but in this case, he couldn’t not realize it.

Alli: Well, and there’s sort of a “hot tubs are one thing” philosophy that a guy who’s basically a tool could nonetheless adopt.

Sars: And I feel him as far as her situation goes. I don’t think he thinks he can’t handle it, but that kind of thing casts a cold shadow.

Alli: It’s really not the kind of thing you want to work your way through in this environment.

Sars: No, it really isn’t. And it puts the others in the position of having to point that, thanks to Tragedy Boner, they don’t get as much time with him.

Alli: Which, if they mention it, really does make them look like straight-up assholes.

Sars: Chantal is doing a fine job of that on her own. Time for a glass of water, drunky.

Alli: I liked it that Emily mentioned the elephant in the room, which is: HE IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN SHE IS.

Sars: I liked that too. I also like what she’s saying to Rat’s Nest, that she thinks it’s unfair that he’s scared about her thinking about Ricky “all the time” when they’re at a racetrack, for eff’s sake, and it’s not really indicative.

Alli: Right. “This doesn’t run my life, but it does interfere with my enjoyment of racetracks.”

Sars: STOP TALKING AND DRINKING CHANTAL.

Alli: I hope it’s okay that I find Ashley vs. Ashley hilarious.

Sars: So do I.

Alli: Michelle really knows how to play to that part of Brad that wishes someone would just tell him what to do.

Sars: “She just has this way of making me forget everything else and focus on her.” Yeah. That’s the ONLY way she has, but enjoy.

Alli: Right. At least he knows.

Sars: Well, he knows the first thing.

Alli: Urgh.

Sars: I hope he also knows she wasn’t born with those tits.

Alli: He’s very innocent. …Ha ha, no rose for you, Michelle.

Sars: Aw, Emily.

Alli: She’s clearly a nice girl.

Sars: Her makeup’s a bit better under control this week. …Okay, I just FFed through some commercials. Are we synced up more or less?

Alli: Yeah, I’m on Hulu, so I’ll start Part 2.

Sars: I’ll pause it until you get to the Ashleys meeting Brad. IN THE MALL, for the love of beer and pretzels.

Alli: Okay, I have Brad going down the long hallway.

Sars: Of Sadness. Okay, you’re close.

Alli: Okay, now they’re meeting.

Sars: I am not exaggerating when I tell you that any man who tried to take me on a date to THAT would get a punch in the throat.

Alli: For real.

Sars: I’d punch MYSELF in the throat to get out of attending that show.

Alli: Elvis AND clowns!

Sars: And physical coordination, my sworn enemy. Fuck that.

Alli: So true.

Sars: So which Ashley are you rooting for?

Alli: Man, I don’t know. I think they’re both too goofy. EVEN FOR HIM.

Sars: Ashley S. is breaking my heart in these camera talks. “I hope I don’t mess that up for myself.”

Alli: She is too fragile.

Sars: Do you think so? I think she’s just at that point where they’re all at right now.

Alli: I just have the sense that she’s too…maybe not fragile…she’s too worked up.

Sars: She is getting petty intense, it’s true. …I mean, “pretty.” Although I guess “petty” is also sort of tru23q0i …Sorry. Cat can haz opinions.

Alli: CAT!

Sars: He’s feeling a real connection with my lap.

Alli: It’s REAL.

Sars: Oh my God, Brad, you’re not the Lord Executioner.

Alli: He feels like it. (Okay, Hulu is making me sit through ads.)

Sars: “Solidified to myself”?

Alli: It’s craziness.

Sars: Nice moment between the Ashleys, though. Way to keep it classy, S.

Alli: I just hate the part where she has to tell him it’s all right.

Sars: Ohhhhhh so do I. And in these interviews, she has cried ALL her makeup off. Lipstick, everything.

Alli: Right.

Sars: Oh, honey. This is horrible. And the camera MOVES DOWN to make sure it doesn’t miss any of her WRETCHED SOBBING. A little compassion maybe, show.

Alli: I saw that. It’s SOOOO classy.

Sars: On the plus side, Ashley H.’s colorist is really a pro. Her tones are great! (Grasping desperately for a positive here!)

Alli: Well, fortunately we’re back to the show you would kill not to attend.

Sars: But he’s wearing eyeliner, which is…a thing. Of some kind.

Alli: It so is.

Sars: OH MY GOD. “Are You Lonesome Tonight,” with a cut to the other Ashley’s limousine.

Alli: OH NO, SHOW. (Jinx.)

Sars: ALL THE OH NO. YES. SHE IS LONESOME. DON’T BE A DICK ABOUT IT. …Okay, let me know when you’re back at the hotel.

Alli: Will do.

Sars: y78o9

Alli: Okay. Hotel! CAT!

Sars: HOBEY!

Alli: THERAPIST!

Sars: “Your loyalty is not to any of the girls; it’s to the mission.” S…erious…ly?

Alli: The mission. The mission is a thing now.

Sars: Oh, and the journey.

Alli: Why does this therapist speak Harrison?

Sars: That’s where he surely received his “training.” Harrison U.

Alli: Ugh.

Sars: That was a whole segment.

Alli: Right? More commercials?

Sars: Don’t agree with Britt’s styling. Makes her look old.

Alli: Agreed. Very prom, and yet very old.

Sars: Please tell me Rat’s Nest is finally going to be put out of her snarled misery.

Alli: Oh, SERIOUSLY. Who even IS she?

Sars: A bunch of them look like shit, actually. Chantal’s butt-chest cleavage, that weird schmatte Stacey (?) has on… I’m sorry. Did he just say he doesn’t need drama in his life?

Alli: “I just don’t need drama in my life.” You’re making all the right choices, then. JINX.

Sars: …Bye Chantal.

Alli: Perhaps so.

Sars: “But you have to stop giving me so much crap.” There it is in a nutshell.

Alli: It’s kind of interesting that he feels comfortable telling her that.

Sars: That cake looks delicious.

Alli: I think you have focused properly on what matters most.

Sars: I was wondering that idly, earlier — how many filet mignons do you think they eat over the course of this?

Alli: A lot, I hope.

Sars: I hope Marissa ate her fill.

Alli: Have we ever seen her before?

Sars: Yes. Now that I’ve finally learned her name, though, she’s sure to leave.

Alli: I really hate Michelle so much.

Sars: Nobody ever calls her on her shit, clearly. Although Brad is really really having a hard time not laughing in her face. Oh my God, Picklesimer. Do the right thing, buddy.

Alli: My read is the same. “You’re hot. You’re also ridiculous.”

Sars: Her nailpolish is beautiful, though.

Alli: That is easier to get right than humanity.

Sars: And there’s our t-shirt slogan.

Alli: Okay, Chris is explaining.

Sars: Okay, two are outsky. Rat’s Nest and Marissa. I don’t give him enough credit to punt Michelle.

Alli: Oh, me neither. Not yet.

Sars: …Yuck.

Alli: Correct.

Sars: I didn’t know her name was Jackie.

Alli: Oh, me neither. Boy, this is potentially a very meaningless week in which no one I know leaves.

Sars: So will next week be. They couldn’t axe four this week? Why fuck around? It’s obviously not Jackie or Britt, come on. …Oh God. He tried to stroke Lisa’s hair, and couldn’t, because it was too nesty. Why didn’t production intervene with a chi iron?

Alli: Why indeed. Tragically, Marissa, your note at the last minute could not make up for the fact that he didn’t know who you were.

Sars: She seems like our people too. Go do a shot, Marissa. At a sports bar. Find a nice man named Topher.

Alli: Well, right.

Sars: Watch some hockey. Forget it.

Alli: She’ll live. He’s too tan anyway.

Sars: Scenes!

Alli: Hey, Brad is challenging Michelle about her lecturing!

Sars: So Emily’s desire to protect her child from confusing influences is a deal-breaker now?

Alli: Only a tool would not understand why she’s not ready to have him meet the daughter.

Sars: These scenes are going on forever.

Alli: That is a long set. I think they ran short.

Sars: For a moment, I hoped based on these previews that next week was the finale. No such luck.

Alli: I had the same thing. “Wait, is that soon? Oh…no.”

Sars: And another week survived. Barely.

Alli: Well, seriously.

Sars: Any parting thoughts?

Alli: I definitely think this week was the biggest waste of time yet. Does that count?

Sars: Yes.

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