In this week’s episode of Bradelor! DUN!, Miss Alli and I almost accidentally co-watched the second hour on a weird intra-IM time delay, and Alli impressively kept secret from me a final rose ceremony that, for once, legitimately qualified as among the most shocking ever — and that nearly redeemed an episode whose myriad irritations were unameliorated by the cocktails we’d both consumed beforehand.

Alli is Linda Holmes, and you can find her at NPR’s Monkey See blog. You know me; I rattle around this place. Together, we’re Bradelor! DUN! And we’re totally going to take it anymore!

Miss Alli: I just got home from [Pop Culture] Happy Hour and forgot to set my DVR, so I’ll have to catch up on the heart-pounding first hour tomorrow, but: when does the fucking clock run out on Pretty Woman dates?

Sars: I’m in the middle of watching it right now, and the first hour is definitely “worth” a watch. BECAUSE HORRIBLE. As usual, I’m watching through a very very teeny crack in my fingers. So uncomfortable.

Alli: How is there this much drama? How are they all already arguing?

Sars: I think I’m a bit behind you in the show, but man, some of these girls really needed to train, drinking-wise.

Alli: They really did. Also, nothing Brad says makes any fucking sense.

Sars: You missed him getting all choked up over Absentee Dad.

Alli: Urgh.

Sars: Not that that doesn’t suck, in real life, but exploiting it in this context is really gross. If I’d been Dentist Ashley, I’d be like, are you kidding me right now?

Alli: There are a lot of things that are sad in real life and horrifying on The Bachelor.

Sars: Also, Brad’s tat is smurfy. Also also, do not give away a rose IN THE POOL. …Wow, Michelle’s whole “I’m going to walk away and sulk and draw attention to myself by not participating” thing still works on men over 25. Speaking of sad.

Alli: Well, “men.”

Sars: She’s so drunk, too.

Alli: Well, who isn’t?

Sars: I thought I was, but — not enough.

Alli: You really can’t be.

Sars: I just got to the Pretty Woman part. GROSS.

Alli: “Think of yourself as the World’s Luckiest Prostitute! …What, too on-the-nose?”

Sars: It’s too bad; I actually like this one. Jackie? Joni? Julia?

Alli: Yes. Jackie. The things I know.

Sars: You know what I always wonder? What if it’s a kind of date you just really hate? Like, that circus thing from the first hour with the giant papier-mâché harlequin and all the rides I would never go on…what do you do if you just don’t want anything to do with it?

Alli: I can tell you haven’t seen the end of the Pretty Woman date.

Sars: “I have never experienced something so magical.” Please tell me that’s not true, Jackie.

Alli: “Really? No card tricks? No sea monkeys?”

Sars: Also, Racecar Widow had a GREAT eye-roll moment earlier. You should try to find that. I wish she would just sack up and leave. She’s super-cute, she doesn’t need this shit.

Alli: She’s totally going to win. Well, “win.”

Sars: Oh, here’s the jewelry. …Someone couldn’t tie Brad’s tie straight? 529 PAs on set, it looks like that? And that is a really big glass of champagne. I’m getting scared.

Alli: More booze! More, more!

Sars: Okay, keeping in mind that I, weirdly, am that girl who thinks proposals on the Jumbotron are adorable? This is pathetic. AND a rip-off of Some Kind of Wonderful, by the way.

Alli: Oh, obvs. Complete with jewelry! It is totally that, and not Pretty Woman.

Sars: “Never had a boyfriend” in college, eh? “So you’re cautious!” Oh, Brad. Maybe. Or maybe Jackie had a girlfriend.

Alli: Well, or shy. Or hung up on someone who didn’t love her back. Not to be all defensive and shit, but THAT CAN HAPPEN.

Sars: That’s ALL that happened to me in college, practically.

Alli: There are lots of ways. As I’ve told people before not having a boyfriend is not a constant unending decision; it’s two or three moments that never occur.

Sars: I’m grossed out that she’s excited by the Pretty Woman stuff, becauseI like her. So I hope she goes home soon.

Alli: I like her, too.

Sars: …TRAIN? This is so awful.

Alli: Right. The fact that you did not say “What if I hate Train?” is how I knew you weren’t to that part of the show yet.

Sars: Hey, lead singer of Train: you’re too old for those ladies’ jeggings. And SO AM I to see you wearing them ahhh gahhhhh. I can’t even look directly at the TV right now.

Alli: Yeah, it’s…really not good.

Sars: I just looked. Brad’s not so good a kisser maybe. She’s not corn on the cob, friend.

Alli: I THOUGHT THE SAME THING. Closed-lipped and kinda fishy. Brad = Baby Fishmouth.

Sars: HA HA HA. [barf] When he was kissing Ashley, for long periods, neither of them was moving his/her mouth.

Alli: That’s exactly what I noticed. It wasn’t kissing so much as pressing.

Sars: Yeah. Resting on. Man: Michelle!

Alli: The rat hoard I am currently viewing on Hoarders is easier to watch.

Sars: Can’t the manscaper do something about Michelle’s brows?

Alli: ONE WOULD THINK.

Sars: Brad is terrified of Emily. “You make me lose words.” Hee. Okay, that’s kind of sweet. KIND of.

Alli: Well, it’s the kind of reaction that the last Bachelorette had to the guy she eventually picked, from the FIRST EPISODE. During that episode, Stephen and I said, “She is so hot for him she sort of can’t speak to him.” And now they’re engaged! Happy ending!

Sars: Our prediction was correct! “Yay”! …Melissa, please learn how to use a flat iron.

Alli: Oh, Melissa. She just can’t find ENOUGH ways to be charming.

Sars: And I don’t want to be rude, because I’m not the dewiest of skin around here, but: she’s 32?

Alli: No, I completely agree. We are equally awful people.

Sars: Since we’re being awful, Rachel needs, like, another inch on that dress. She’s got a cute figure, but that’s too short.

Alli: No, you’re right.

Sars: THIS IS SO PAINFUL. I…!

Alli: This is what I mean about how they’re all at war with each other, ALREADY.

Sars: I just…what are you DOING? Don’t tell the guy how you’re getting picked on, don’t go on a random sidebar about the onion breath…now RACHEL is crying too?

Alli: The onion breath! Seriously. “I am a drama queen. Also I have halitosis.” “Okay, stop selling!”

Sars: He totally has that “I don’t have any sisters and have no idea what to do” face on.

Alli: Yes, I was reminded of the way I occasionally really liked Brad, in that he would sometimes be like, “Oh, what the hell is THIS, now?”

Sars: Or was trying not to start laughing, yeah.

Alli: Right. Same thing.

Sars: Melissa cried all her makeup off. That would be impressive, if it weren’t so bazoo.

Alli: Isn’t he the one where a girl gave him a pair of panties the first night, and when he told the story in his interview, he couldn’t stop laughing? I liked that. (In his first season.)

Sars: I think that’s right.

Alli: I liked him so much better before he was like, “AND NOW I SHALL REPENT.”

Sars: Me too. I found it sad that he bought into the hype to the extent that he did the first time around, but they hadn’t broken him completely. Now they have. And that he’d give Michelle a rose…you can’t encourage that shit, Brad. (I mean: producers, but still. Fight back!)

Alli: No, sure. (I keep saying “no” when I mean “yes.”)

Sars: Britt, the expression is “FIFTH wheel.”

Alli: Oh, I know how you love that.

Sars: Oh Lord, Melissa again. JUST LEAVE THEN.

Alli: Well, honestly. I mean, honestly.

Sars: Brad, don’t make “jokes” about the group dynamic. They always bomb and it just draws attention to how messed up it is.

Alli: Because the women are divided into (1) don’t want to hear about it, and (2) have no sense of humor about it.

Sars: The audience is both those groups. …God, it’s totally him and Emily at the end and it’s going to be such a disaster for him.

Alli: Urrrrrrgh.

Sars: Dear couple I don’t mind: please date people not on TV. kthx.

Alli: Oh, those people. Yes, they’re the ones I was talking about, where she could barely keep her hands off him from the opening cocktail party.

Sars: Oh, I was talking about Emily and Brad. Who were you talking about?

Alli: Ohhhhh, sorry. Ali and Roberto. Are they not on yet? They might not be.

Sars: No, they left a few minutes ago. It’s rose ceremony time.

Alli: Ohhhhh, good.

Sars: Okay. Chantal O.: acceptable. Sarah: not even on this week. Alli: ditto. (Coincidence? hee.)

Alli: Ha!

Sars: A lot of these people got no screen time at all thanks to Melissa/Rachelgate.

Alli: Yes. So what would be the RIGHT thing for Brad to do? Just ponder for a moment.

Sars: Don’t need a whole moment. Don’t need a whole moment to deduce from your question that he doesn’t do it, either.

Alli: You’ll have to wait and see!

Sars: I’m glad Ashley S. gets to stay.

Alli: Yeah, she seems okay.

Sars: Ew, Madison.

Alli: Gimmick!

Sars: Is Lisa Topsy-Tail girl from last week? Matters haven’t improved.

Alli: They never do.

Sars: hee hee. Aw, Megan. Hate your necklace, like you.

Alli: Yeah.

Sars: Oh, hi, Chris Harrison.

Alli: Speaking of “urrgh.”

Sars: Hardest-dorking man in show busi– HOLY SHIT.

Alli: Riiiiiiiight?

Sars: WORLD — UPSIDE DOWN. I’m as proud of the producers as I would be my own child. …This sucks for Keltie, but still. HOLY SHIT.

Alli: I’m just over here thinking Brad still has a tiny spark of humanity, which is the problem.

Sars: Yeah, don’t tease us like that, show. …Wait, who does Keltie date at work, if she’s a Rockette? I’d watch THAT show.

Alli: He has found the only workable and appropriate solution to the eternal Bachelor problem known as Two Bitches Fighting. And: Poor Keltie.

Sars: She’s cute and funny and she wears fishnets for a living. I have hope for her.

Alli: Despite the fact that she’s like, “THIS WAS MY LAST HOPE”?

Sars: …I am still in total shock! You are so good! I never would have guessed from what you said that he’d ankle them both! And: Keltie’s drunk, she’ll rally in a few days. Maybe a new hair-color idea, though.

Alli: Things could be worse: I’m watching Matt Paxton from Hoarders catch rats.

Sars: Do you follow him on Twitter?

Alli: I should. He and Dr. Zasio are tag-teaming the rat house.

Sars: She’s my favorite.

Alli: Mine too!

Sars: …Oh wait, Keltie is rapping right now?

Alli: Yes, she is. Ignore it! Keep her safe in your memory!

Next week: Oh, SEAL.

Tags:   Brad Womack   Bradelor! DUN!   hairdon'ts   Hoarders   Matt Paxton   Miss Alli   Monkey See   please look into proper foundation garments   Pop Culture Happy Hour   Robin Zasio   Seal