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Home » Culture and Criticism

Death Is Not An Option: Hoarders Cleaning Specialist Edition

Submitted by on March 1, 2012 – 10:51 PM35 Comments

Tough call. I love Matt Paxton's podcast; I love sassy Matt Paxton, period. And Cory Chalmers is maybe still trying to figure out his facial hair (that goatee was catastrophic), plus…a grown man named "Cory." I don't know if I could go there in a rated-R way? I mean…"oh, Cory." You know? No offense, Corys. It's just not a name that ripens real well, in my opinion.┬áStill: fox.

Death is not an option. You gotta bonk one of 'em. Go.

Death is not an option: Paxton or Chalmers?

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  • Jane says:

    Chalmers gets bitchy where Paxton gets shitty. A fine distinction, yet one that informs my vote. Chalmers is a little bit handsome for my taste. Paxton would try harder, if you get my drift. Conclusion: Paxton all the way, but only if he'd agree to wear a mask.

  • Jinxie says:

    Oh man, this is EASY. Matt Paxton wins the spot in my heart/bed over that Cory dude for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that he is an ace story teller (if you love the awesomely hilarious/horrible/vulgar stories he tells on his podcast). Love that man, butt-chin and poop fixation and all.

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    @Jane: Drift gotten. I agree.

  • Chryseis says:

    On one hand, my kid's name is Corey. So it's a great name, thankyouverymuch. On the other hand, since it is my kid's name, I have to go with Paxton. Huh. I don't even get to consider the relative merits here…

  • Georgia says:

    I thought I didn't know what either of these men looked like. Turns out I have seen Paxton before. And, he's the one I'd go with–because Chalmers looks like (from the Google images I could find) he'd be worried the whole time about messing up his hair, whereas Paxton looks like he'd have fun. My real problem with both, though, is that neither has lips!

  • Lacinda says:

    Waitaminute here, Paxton has a podcast?! Well, now I know what I'm downloading this morning. He's my favorite cleaner because he's most likely to lose patience and tell the unpleasant truth. Cory just seems cranky and petulant most of the time, regardless of how the job is going, and with the ill-advised facial hair and the weird attitude, ends up reminding me of Vanilla Ice most of the time. But I'm only through season 3, maybe he gets better?

  • Jinxie says:

    So I shot Matty P an email via his blog to make sure he knew what was going down (heh) over here and HE WROTE BACK [fans self]. He said this will definitely come up on the podcast and then "yes, I would try harder. I never quit." [faints]

  • Jenn says:

    I'd let either of them clean my kitchen, if you know what I'm sayin'.

    (By which I mean my kitchen could use a good scrubbing.)

    (You all have dirty minds.)

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    Amaaaaaaaaazing. Thanks, @Jinxie. I kind of hope this turns into an Edward/Jacob-style internet rumble, heh.

  • ct says:

    Chalmers looks like Will Forte!
    Not sure that it will sway people one way or the other, I've just been wanting to share that for a long time and no one I know watches Hoarders.

  • Meghan says:

    Jane, I totally hear you. I feel like Matt gets grouchy because he's taking it too personally; Cory gets grouchy because he's tired of this shit. I like them both, but find Cory more appealing physically, which is why he gets my vote.

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    Chalmsy is closing the gap!

  • Linda says:

    Paxton, but I like both of them. Paxton's podcast is sort of intriguingly all over the place, which seems like a good sign. (HIYO!)

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:


  • Bo says:

    @Georgia, THANK YOU! I can't even consider men without lips! (Which may be where my fixation on black men came from beginning in my tweens, to my parent's despair.)

  • Jinxie says:

    Eeeee! I got a shout-out on Extra Hot Great! Thanks, Sars! I was listening to that podcast on my way to work this morning and it totally made my day.

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    Thank YOU! Let's see if we both get a shout-out on 5 Decisions…

  • Ok, you guys are too funny. I will learn from this debate, but first I am going to get some lip injections! Matt actually told me about this, so I had to come check it out :)

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    …Amazing. Thanks for not cease-and-desisting my ass, friend.

  • c8h10n4o2 says:

    And I'm now fanning myself at my desk at work. I'm getting a little Tennessee Williams character-y over here.

  • kategm says:

    Ooh, tough call. After listening to Paxton's podcast (thanks, Sars!) I might have to give it to Paxton (heh heh). I think it's the accent.

  • Matt Paxton says:

    Let me remind you ladies that Cory and I clean up sh*t for a living. Our inhibitions are pretty much nonexistent.

    We will be discussing this contest on my podcast next week (episode 21) when Cory and I sit down together.

    thanks for making my wife laugh this week.

  • Jen says:

    No "both" option? Boo.

  • Lisa says:

    Matt and Cory are fine, but Dr. David Tolin? CAN GET. IT.

  • c8h10n4o2 says:

    Ooooh. The Tolin. I'd show him some compulsive behavior. And in reality, whichever would be willing to help me clean out my mom's Stage 3 house in addition to unlimited sexual favors would get my vote. The pathways are getting mighty narrow in there.

  • mamabraxas says:

    Dr. Eyelashes for the win. That is all.

  • Kirsten says:

    I'd do Cory in a heartbeat. I'm a little worried about what might be under his fingernails, though.

  • Nina A says:

    We made 5 Decisions away!

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    …Again? Awesome!

  • Yes, we certainly had to discuss this blog about death vs. either of us. Check it out if you haven't yet. You can read how we are traumatized for life!

    @Kristen, thank you…but trust me, you wouldn't even be thinking about my fingernails :)

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    Well, NOW we're thinking about your fingernails.

  • Kirsten says:

    I'm not thinking about his fingernails anymore. I am now thinking about something entirely, altogether different.

    Whew. Excuse me for a moment, would you?

  • WisteriaSky233 says:

    I have been following this post but haven't posted. Originally I was a Matt girl but I find myself attracted to Cory as well. Still I think Matt is hotter. Love his eyes, voice and sassiness. Cory has his Will Forte look, which I like too. I still want snl to do a hoarders skit w Jason Sudeikis playing Matt, think they have similar faces.

  • Ash says:

    I loved hearing the guys talk about this on 5 Decisions Away! I've been reading your blog for a long time and it was great to hear the shout-out!

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    It was weird to hear their familiar voices talking about me/us, for sure. I'm glad Paxton read the clarification as well — DINAO is not always an insult, folks!

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