Wing Chun: Hello?

Sarah: Hi. Okay, here’s the thing.

Wing Chun: Oh, dear.

Sarah: I know Kid Rock should go in the Girls’ Bike Club. I know this.

Wing Chun: But you don’t want him in it.

Sarah: No, I don’t.

Wing Chun: Because he’s disgusting.

Sarah: Correct. And I know that’s absurd, because…you know, Haim. And Rasputin.

Wing Chun: Well…Haim isn’t exactly disgusting. He’s more pathetic. And Rasputin —

Sarah: Oh, Rasputin is disgusting.

Wing Chun: Rasputin is evil. And…persistent. Disgusting, I don’t know.

Sarah: His beeeeeeeard is aliiiiiiiive…with the sound of veeeeeermiiiiiiin.

Wing Chun: Heh. Yeah, probably. But “disgusting” isn’t the first word you associate with Rasputin. Kid Rock, on the other hand —

Sarah: Ew.

Wing Chun: My point.

Sarah: But my point is that a lot of the GBCers are disgusting.

Wing Chun: No, I know, but — okay. I’m going to say a name and you say the first thing that pops into your head.

Sarah: Okay.

Wing Chun: …Edward Furlong.

Sarah: Hee!

Wing Chun: …Jim Morrison.

Sarah: Oh, Jesus. Shut up, Jim Morrison.

Wing Chun: …Tom Sizemo–

Sarah: EW!

Wing Chun: Okay, see? I’m not saying Jim Morrison isn’t disgusting, because he is, but it’s not the main thing he is. Kid Rock, Sizemore, disgusting, first and foremost.

Sarah: So…you’re saying we shouldn’t put them in the GBC?

Wing Chun: I’m saying I understand why you wouldn’t want to.

Sarah: But we still kind of have to.

Wing Chun: We kind of do.

Sarah: Man. Well, the thought of Sizemore’s leg irons getting tangled up in the gears and wrecking him is comforting. Sort of.

Wing Chun: And of Matthew Perry going, “Could you be any more of a felon?”

Sarah: Oh, Perry. His publicist’s nose is longer than a Russian bread line right now. “Well, yes, it’s a rehab facility, but he was being treated for a sprained wrist.” Uh huh.

Wing Chun: Oh, I know. “And he totally didn’t sprain it wrenching the childproof cap off a bottle of Valium.”

Sarah: “He…he fell on it! Yeah! Yeah. But not while drunk! Or high! He just happened to fall, it happens sometimes, what?”

Wing Chun: “This rilly rilly strong wind came and blew him ov– it did too, you guys.”

Sarah: “…Girls’ bike? No, it’s not a girls’ bike. It’s a…it’s a…it’s a velocipede! And it’s for a role. So.”

Wing Chun: “The Whole Nine Velocipedes? It was…in the…trades?”

Sarah: He’d be lucky to get that role. What is he even doing now? Besides totally not using.

Wing Chun: Waiting for the first Friends reunion.

Sarah: Heh.

Wing Chun: I’m not joking. It’s not like the world is begging for a Serving Sara sequel.

Sarah: Or was begging for the original.

Wing Chun: Well, really.

Sarah: I’m just imagining him calling his agent all, “It’s been almost a year, so…just thought I’d check to see if E! called about, you know, getting toge– no? Are you…sure? Because it’s been almost a…oh, okay. Well, if anyone calls…okay. Okay, bye.”

Wing Chun: And whenever he calls the office, the assistant is like, “Oh, hi, Mr. Perry,” and she’s eyebrowing the agent all “are you here?” and the agent’s mouthing “nnnnno no no no no.”

Sarah: Totally.

Wing Chun: And the assistant’s all “and how are youuuuuu” and frantically writing “WHAT DO I TELL HIM???” in Sharpie on a spec script and holding it up, and the agent is panicking and trying to think of something —

Sarah: — and he grabs the Sharpie and he’s writing furiously, and the assistant is all, “Can…you…speeeeeeak to…him? Uhhhhhh,” and making the loop-de-loop “HURRY UP” hand gesture —

Wing Chun: “Uhhhhh, uhhhhh, he’s — out. To lunch!”

Sarah: And the agent’s nodding all “good one, good one” and scribbling “WITH MY SISTER” on the script.

Wing Chun: “With my sister! Er, with his sister!”

Sarah: “Try him on his ce– ohhhh, I wouldn’t call the cell, it’s a very serious lunch, she’s, uh — hello?”

Wing Chun: And then in the inner office the agent’s cell phone starts ringing.

Sarah: Man. Poor guy.

Wing Chun: I bet he spends all day at the fort, too.

Sarah: I bet he does. And when someone else gets there, he comes running out all, “Hey! Hi! Great! …I mean, I…totally just got here. Just now. Seconds before you did. So, what’s up?”

Wing Chun: Aw.

Sarah: Although I get the feeling there are quite a few GBC members who really don’t have anything else to do.

Wing Chun: Oh, definitely.

Sarah: I mean, to the point where they drive around the Hollywood Hills loaded hoping to get GBCed because they’re that bored.

Wing Chun: Jason Patric.

Sarah: Huh?

Wing Chun: Exactly.

Sarah: No, what did he do?

Wing Chun: Well, he got pulled over for DUI last year, and now he’s suing the officer for violating his civil rights or some damn thing.

Sarah: Oh, come on. Get a job, Jason Patric.

Wing Chun: He could have had a job. As Jesus.

Sarah: O…kay. In what, Speed 3: The Holy Land?

Wing Chun: Passion of the Christ? You know, how he turned that role down?

Sarah: He did? Damn. I did not know that.

Wing Chun: Which, where to start.

Sarah: I…you know, you’re right. I don’t know where to start.

Wing Chun: Then I’ll throw my hat in the ring with “shut up, Jason Patric.”

Sarah: I’d have gone with “what the fuck, Jason Patric,” but we’ll accept “shut up.”

Wing Chun: Well, don’t be thinking you’re better than Caviezel at this point in your career, is what I’m saying.

Sarah: Oh, no doubt, but that’s what I’m saying. What “career”? What happened? I mean, we were wearing Lost Boys tapes out in high school because of that guy, and then it was all about Rush —

Wing Chun: Dude, talk about a beard alive with the sound of vermin. His head looked like a Christmas tree in that movie. A Christmas tree made of pubes.

Sarah: Hee, no, I know. I’m just saying, I feel like he’s almost gotten hugely famous about five times and then it never ends up happening.

Wing Chun: Well, according to his IMDb entry, he does it to himself. He also turned down the lead in The Firm.

Sarah: The Tom Cruise role? Dude.

Wing Chun: I know. I don’t think it’s that he can’t get work. I think he just doesn’t want it.

Sarah: Or he can only surface for short periods of time in case Kiefer triangulates his location and has him assassinated.

Wing Chun: Heh. When in reality Kiefer just wants to thank him.

Sarah: Seriously. Jason Patric and Ted Kennedy are out behind the fort smoking, and all of a sudden Patric freezes, sniffs the air, and just tears off into the trees on his Raleigh. And about a minute later, Kiefer rides up.

Wing Chun: With a muffin basket balanced on the handlebars.

Sarah: And he’s all, “How many of these things do I have to drop off for him before he gets that I’m not mad about Julia anymore?”

Wing Chun: “…DAWSON!”

Sarah: Heh.

Wing Chun: But is Kiefer himself in the GBC?

Sarah: Kiefer was in the tabloids with his pants around his ankles in a bar. Kiefer runs the GBC.

Wing Chun: Not if Sean goddamn Penn has anything to say about it.

Sarah: Which of course he does, because he’s Sean Penn, and God forbid we not hear his opinion, which counts more than most actors’ opinions because he chooses to live in Marin County instead of L.A. or whatever the hell.

Wing Chun: And he’s stepping on people’s punchlines all, “I don’t think that’s very funny.”

Sarah: And Sam Kinison’s like, “Bitch, I’m talking. Don’t make me tell Dawson your mustache is a hot dog.”

Wing Chun: And then of course he’d have to be an uptight pill about the fact that Charlie Sheen is camping out in the fort for a while.

Sarah: Oh, clearly. He’d take out a full-page ad in Variety about it, too. “Mr. Bush, I urge you to tell the GBC that the fort is not a crash pad.”

Wing Chun: Maybe we do want Sizemore in the GBC after all.

Sarah: To bug Sean Penn?

Wing Chun: If by “bug,” you mean yell “Shanghai Surprise, motherfucker!” and punch him in the face, then yes.

Sarah: Awesome. Although, really, anyone in the GBC could do that.

Wing Chun: Anyone in the world could do that.

Sarah: Could, and would.

Wing Chun: But you know who should take him out? Limbaugh.

Sarah: Oh, obviously. That’s poetic.

Wing Chun: The only problem is that then I’d like Limbaugh a little bit.

Sarah: Yeah, that is a problem.

Wing Chun: I think Dennis Quaid has to do it.

Sarah: Dennis Quaid is in the GBC?

Wing Chun: The man likes a tipple, or so I have heard.

Sarah: You’re right, I have heard that too. Plus he was in Breaking Away, so at least he knows his way around a bike.

Wing Chun: Knows his way around a strip joint, too.

Sarah: That’s the rumor.

Wing Chun: “Who installed a pole in the fort?” “Who installed a pole UP YOUR ASS, SEAN?”

Sarah: “Why don’t you Right Stuff it up YOUR ass, DENNIS?”

Wing Chun: “That does it, you’re a Dead Man Walking!”

Sarah: That would be a goooooood fight, too.

Wing Chun: It would. Especially because Sean Penn would get his ass? Kicked.

Sarah: I agree. Because he’d be all Captain Fair Fight taking his rings off, but Dennis Quaid, and I don’t mean this in a bad way, but I think boyfriend is a hair-puller.

Wing Chun: And a biter.

Sarah: Totally a biter, and good for him. Although…hmm.

Wing Chun: What?

Sarah: Well, don’t you think Sean Penn would be sanctimoniously sober for the fight?

Wing Chun: Probably. Doesn’t mean Quaid can’t win.

Sarah: Maybe not, but Ratface did time for punching an extra back in the day. If Quaid loses a split second off his reflexes…

Wing Chun: He can just tag in Chris Noth.

Sarah: But, see, same issue.

Wing Chun: Noth is bigger than Quaid.

Sarah: Bigger drunk, too.

Wing Chun: I don’t see that mattering. I think all that matters is that Sean Penn sees the fight as a duel of honor —

Sarah: Lex, holding his cape.

Wing Chun: Precisely. But is Chris Noth going to dick around with Marquis of Queensbury rules when there are chicks to be dogged?

Sarah: Good point. No.

Wing Chun: No, he isn’t. He’s going to hand his cigar to Vincent D’Onofrio, kick Sean Penn in the nuts, take his cigar back, and ride down to the Cutting Room for a scotch on the rocks.

Sarah: D’Onofrio! Sweet.

Wing Chun: See what I’m saying?

Sarah: Totally. But here’s my question. Why is D’Onofrio in the GBC?

Wing Chun: Sarah. The man is simply exhausted. [cough]

Sarah: Ah. Okay.

Wing Chun: Unless you think he shouldn’t be.

Sarah: No, that works for me. Although if just being a crazy kookoopants is enough to get you in, that fort is going to get really full.

Wing Chun: Brando is in it; it’s full already.

Sarah: True.

Wing Chun: Plus, watching Howard Hughes attempt to ride a bicycle with Kleenex boxes on his hands is some funny shit.

Sarah: Oh, forget it. He couldn’t even look at Kid Rock without having a germophobic fugue and fainting.

Wing Chun: We could just put Leonardo DiCaprio in instead. As his proxy? I don’t know.

Sarah: You know what, let’s, and I’ll tell you why: the Pussy Posse.

Wing Chun: Ohhhhh dude. I forgot about that. Who else was in that? Was Tobey Maguire in that?

Sarah: I think so, which, I liked the Spider-Mans and everything but don’t be trying to tell me Maguire even shaves, because, no.

Wing Chun: Not a lot of pheromones coming off of that guy.

Sarah: Oh, yuck, you know who else was in the Posse?

Wing Chun: Wh– argh, David Blaine.

Sarah: Uhhhhhh huh.

Wing Chun: Oh, he would be the worst, all sitting on his bike for 54 straight days or some damn thing.

Sarah: And refusing to eat, I know.

Wing Chun: And juggling. Juggling Baldwins.

Sarah: And the Girls’ Unicycle Club hauls him into court for trademark infringement. “That’s our gig, Blaine.”

Wing Chun: “Not if I don’t wear rainbow suspenders it ain’t. Now where did I put that box of adult diapers?”

Sarah: “…DAWSON!”

Wing Chun: I hate that David Blaine is famous. I hate that I even know who he is.

Sarah: I could live with it if he’d stop making it out like he’s a magician.

Wing Chun: Well, really. Sitting in a block of ice is not magic. It’s January in Toronto. At least get a tiger involved somehow, God.

Sarah: We need to get some other magicians into the GBC, I think. Just to fuck with him.

Wing Chun: Agreed.

Sarah: I nominate Siegfried and Roy.

Wing Chun: I nominate the tiger that mauled Roy.

Sarah: “…DAWSON!”

Wing Chun: You’d think I’d have seen that coming.

Sarah: Heh. You’d think.

Wing Chun: What we need is someone who can turn his bike into a roll of barbed wire or something. David Copperfield?

Sarah: I think Copperfield is more with the levitating. Which could work. He could levitate Blaine over a busy intersection and then “get distracted.”

Wing Chun: What about Doug Henning?

Sarah: Wow. I haven’t heard that name in ages.

Wing Chun: Dude’s mustache gets its own bike.

Sarah: Man. You know, what we really need is some old-school Neil Hamburger type who would just saw the bike in half and then be like, “Take my wife, please!”

Wing Chun: No, what we really need is Evel Knievel.

Sarah: Oh, Lord. Can you imagine?

Wing Chun: I can. I can imagine the entire GBC lined up shoulder to shoulder next to a jump made out of popsicle sticks, and Evel Knievel on a pink BMX, pedaling towards them as fast as he can.

Sarah: That would take a shitload of popsicle sticks.

Wing Chun: Well. Dawson.

Sarah: Right. Okay, so does Knievel make the jump?

Wing Chun: Again: Dawson. Also: Brando.

Sarah: Ooh, yeah. But if he got shot out of a cannon —

Wing Chun: Daniel Baldwin.

Sarah: Yeah. Man, that’s too bad. You want to believe that Evel Knievel can jump over anything.

Wing Chun: I blame Jim Morrison.

Sarah: Oh, I do too. …Wait, I do too?

Wing Chun: Well, as you pointed out before, to build a ramp that long would take a shitload of popsicle sticks, so…they had to augment the ramp with Jim Morrison’s journals.

Sarah: Heh. As you do.

Wing Chun: But then Jim Morrison comes stomping over all “my art is not a toy” and gathers up his notebooks and ruins the ramp, but Evel Knievel is already coming towards the ramp at full tilt and can’t stop in time, so he only gets like two feet of air and then he crashes.

Sarah: And lands on Sheriff John Bunnell.

Wing Chun: HE TOTALLY DOES.

Sarah: “This stunt-jumper learned the hard way…”

Wing Chun: “What goes up. Must come down.” Oh my God, awesome.

Sarah: I know, right? But it’s the one guy who would never be in the GBC.

Wing Chun: He has to be in the GBC!

Sarah: Girl, please. Bunnell wouldn’t drive under the influence of a Coke. No way in hell he’s in the GBC.

Wing Chun: Sarah. He is in the GBC. First of all, they need a parole officer. Second of all, if Vin Diesel is in it, Bunnell should be in it.

Sarah: World’s Wildest Girls’ Bike Chases?

Wing Chun: I gave you Jesus, lady. Let me have Bunnell.

Sarah: …Fair enough.

Wing Chun: Thank you.

Sarah: But if you can find a way to get Bunnell in, you can find a way to get the Rock in.

Wing Chun: Ohhhhh, the Rock.

Sarah: Can you smell what the Rock is riding?

Wing Chun: I totally can. Hmm. Okay: his eyebrow is the ramp?

Sarah: Sold.

Wing Chun: That was easy.

Sarah: Hey, anything to cancel out the Sizemore.

Wing Chun: I feel that.

Sarah: I thought you might.

March 15, 2005

Tags:   GBC