NCheeseAA Quarterfinals: The Stank Sixteen
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Brie vs. Parmigiano-Reggiano. This is a bizarre match-up. One’s a “lolling on the grass with grapes, a bottle of wine, a river, and shamisen” cheese, and the other is an ingredient. It’s a vital, delicious ingredient, but when was the last time you planed off a dry wisp of Parm-Reg just because you were snackish? Maybe the picnic itch is working its way into my blood, but I think buttery Brie and summer strawberries will leave Parm high and dryer than usual.
British Cheddar vs. Roquefort. Brit Ched has marched through the draw with hardly a break in stride to date — Camembert and Stilton presented serious competition, in theory, but the UK entry whipped both handily — and I anticipate a similar outcome here. British Cheddar is more useful and more popular than Roquefort, which has had a relatively easy time of it so far, opponent-wise, and that ends here. Can you smell what the Roq is cooking? Me too — a sound defeat.
Boursin vs. Cream Cheese. The Stank Sixteen is a lot easier than previous rounds when it comes to these write-ups, and not just because we have fewer of them to do; often, the result (or our respective preference) is so obvious that the blurb writes itself. But when it’s not easy, it’s really not easy, and this one’s a fookin’ heartbreaker. As I said in a previous précis, cream cheese don’t play — it does dessert, it does brunch, and a little cream cheese on a Ritz with a tiny triangle of tomato is a first-ballot ghetto-snack Hall-of-Famer. But could I really live without Boursin — especially the creamy kind that goes so well on crackers, baked potatoes, and fish in a foil jacket? …Well, yes, I probably could, because cream cheese comes with chives and shit in it nowadays. Boursin will put up a fight, probably based primarily on its retro/”klassy” presentation and nostalgic edge, but cream cheese will prevail.
Gouda vs. Vermont Cheddar. We could split hairs over this until the happy cows come home — is it authentic boer kaas Gouda? Is it bandaged-wrapped Vermont Cheddar or wax? Is the Cheddar at least two years old? Is the Gouda five? — but it’s just going to come down to basics. Both cheeses have had it pretty easy-peasy up until now, so this will get interesting. The thing about these two is that they tend to pull in the same palates: Cheddar lovers are Gouda fiends, and vice versa. However, Cheddar lovers are hardcore and have years of unwavering adoration under their belts, while Gouda fiends are newbies by comparison. Vermont Cheddar for the win.
Gruyère vs. Mozzarella. I don’t share Keckler’s negative feelings towards mozzarella, but I hear what she’s saying; I feel the same way about cottage cheese, with the watery run-off and the sour top note whose faintness makes it all the more oogish somehow. But I like mozzarella, especially on a slender onion baguette with tomato and basil. The thing is, I’d like that sandwich even better with any of three dozen other cheeses; the mozz is just a placeholder, a densely textured delivery system for the garden ingredients. Yeah, it melts like a champ; so does Gruyère. Yeah, it’s a critical ingredient in a beloved dish (pizza); so is Gruyère (fondue). You put mozzarella on a cracker, though? You’ve just wasted a cracker, and you don’t do that to a Carr’s rosemary biscuit…you just don’t. I will vote Gruyère, and I think you should as well, but I also think that enough people consider mozzarella an indispensable staple, despite (or perhaps because of) its lackluster flavor profile, that it, not Gruyère, will live to fight another day.
Asiago vs. Pecorino Romano. I don’t know why, but I’m having a hard time getting excited about this match-up. I mean, I love Pecorino Romano over pasta, in hot artichoke dip, and tossed in spring salads. It has that sheepish tang that Parmigiano-Reggiano, cowed by its milk, does not. I guess what I really can’t get whipped up about is the Asiago. I’d be totally amazed it made it this far, but it was matched up against cheeses that, aside from the Pigpen of the genre, managed to out-bland its insipidity. I’d love to say Pecorino Romano is the sure thing here, but given Asiago’s tenacity thus far, I might have to call the game for the meltable menace. I’m holding out hope that the voters will prove me wrong.
Raclette vs. Fiore Sardo. Fiore Sardo barely squeaked into the quarterfinal after a lively scuffle with Garrotxa; Raclette didn’t exactly trounce Fourme d’Ambert in its previous bout, but it seems thus far as though name recognition has given Raclette an edge that it may not deserve on the merits. I’m betting that to continue here, unfortunately; Raclette is an overrated “destination cheese” that’s a pain in the ass to serve and unsubtle on the palate, and in my view it’s high time the blobby pretender got its ass handed to it — but Fiore is, I suspect, not the cheese for the job. Fiore Sardo in my heart; Raclette on the podium. Sigh.
Mt. Tam vs. Cashel. Yeah, so this isn’t really fair. Pitting a triple-cream against an Irish blue? Again, the bleu-ophobes will gravitate to the 75% butterfat in Mt. Tam and, honestly, that’s probably a big pull for other noshers. (Reminder: butter is 80% butterfat, so…yeah.) Personally, I’m torn. I have a California loyalty for Mt. Tam, but I really do love the fact that Cashel is the first blue Ireland ever produced. Plus, the Cashel farmers are named “Grubb”! Desert-island test: I’d probably go for the salty, nuanced Cashel, but the voters will be summiting Mt. Tam to plant the victory flag.
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Tags: food
“…when was the last time you planed off a dry wisp of Parm-Reg just because you were snackish?”
I actually can hardly have that stuff in the house, because I get it all finely grated, then every time I’m near the fridge I dip in a finger or two and lick it off…. it’s DIVINE!
Plus, a little pot of it plus some celery makes for a great DVD-watching snack…. I’m craving some right now in fact, but it’s 1.45am London time, and the shops are shut….
I’m going to go with Cashel Blue, because Cashel is the name of a super-awesome character in a series of fantasy books, and Tam is the instrument that they give to jerkoffs who couldn’t keep a beat in a locked safe.
You’ve got your Brit Cheddar, you’ve got your Vermont Cheddar, but no Wisconsin Cheddar?
I know, I know, there’s only so many spots on the bracket, and how many cheddars can you have in one tournament (hee) but I’m just sayin’ that I’ll put up an 5 or 6 year-old Wisconsin artisan aged sharp cheddar against either the Brit or the VT team.
And if you get to the Midwest, you have to go to the Mars Cheese Castle. Tacky souvenirs, lots of cheese, a deli, and a bar that serves a crock of cheese spread and crackers right along with your Bloody Mary. The best and worst Wisconsin has to offer all in one building.
Having just visited Madison, I will say that the cheeses are amazing. Specifically, Gran Canaria (Carr Valley Cheese) is probably the best cracker cheese I’ve ever tasted. Try it if you can..also, go Gruyere!
@MizShrew: Midwest Bloody Marys are the best! Especially when you get the ones served with a Slim Jim instead of a celery stalk.
I’m grudge-voting against Vermont Cheddar for beating both goat cheese and Monterey Jack, two of my household staples.
I love bleu cheese and am so disappointed that they’re dropping like, well, like flies. C’mon, bleu lovers, get out the vote!!!
@Density: “couldn’t keep a beat in a locked safe” LOVE! I am stealing that to use with my students.
when was the last time you planed off a dry wisp of Parm-Reg just because you were snackish?
*raises hand* that would be three days ago, ma’am. and it was scrumptious.
i also snack on parm-reg, love thin shavings with triscuits or just the thin shavings of cheese with some almonds and sliced up green apple- a perfect snack!
I’m a little bit horrified that Brie and Gouda are losing (though the margins are narrow – c’mon undecideds, show your love for creamy brie and good Dutch gouda!). Mt. Tam and Mozzarella’s leads are WAY too close for comfort. This is, I am shocked to admit, a very, very exciting cheese race.
There should totally be a shiny gold Tomato Nation/Grub Report’s Choice sticker for the winning variety.
This Gouda fiend is no newbie! I’ve been eating delicious Gouda since I was knee-high to a grasshopper. My father is Dutch and I was born in the Netherlands. My family came to the USA when I was 8 months old, but various family visiting from there always brought us a couple of huge hunks of real Dutch Gouda. A good, strong, aged Gouda is like heaven in your mouth. One of the happiest days of my life was when I discovered you can now get authentic Gouda at Whole Foods. Oh, Whole Foods cheese department – I would live in you if I could!
Oh, and I wanted to add that I do agree about Wisconsin cheese. That’s why I was hoping the award-winning Pleasant Ridge would make it to the end, but it was just not to be.
Yes I have snacked on Parmigiano-Reggiano, sure. It’s delicious. But brie, NEVER. (((shudder))) – to me the consistency of brie is like something that is putrefying (sp?). Ick.
Ellen, I totally agree; Brie is nastola. And I am a person who pretty much lives on cheeses of various sorts. One of my favorite snacks is feta with a little balsamic vinegar poured on. Just…that. My family and friends do not understand me.
I never would have thought I would care about a cheese contest, but this is kind of exciting! Go cheddars!
@Keckler: I can think of at least one bar in the area that is ONLY redeemed by its Bloody Marys. In all other respects it is a Hole Above Ground. hee. My husband loves the Slim Jim option as well, but I’m a lacto/ovo veg-type person, so I pass on those.
I had hoped the Pleasant Ridge would make the long haul as well, but maybe next year! In any case, I love the contest, and just felt the need to show my Wisconsin Cheddar love. Mostly because we just bought a beautiful chunk of aged sharp and… sigh. Delightful.
Awww. Wisconsin. I will always have a soft spot for that state. Which totally means…next can we have an NBeerA tournament? That would be awesome!
NBeerA would be no good because Yuengling automatically wins.
Umm, last Friday I had thin slices of Parmigiano-Reggiano, mixed olives from my local Italian grocery (they mix in the giant capers, sundried tomatoes and lots of fennel seed – yum), crackers and fresh grapes. And I washed it down with several glasses of pinot grigio – mmmm. In fact, this looks like the perfect snack for tonight as well!
The Washington Post already does beer brackets every year. Yuengling never wins.