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Home » Culture and Criticism

The Crushed Film Festival presents: The Rules of Attraction

Submitted by on February 14, 2009 – 3:01 PM9 Comments

somer1by John “the Couch Baron” Ramos

The Movie: The Rules Of Attraction

The Crush Object: Ian Somerhalder

The Story: Even calling it “a story” is being generous, but basically, it’s about several self-absorbed college students who drink and have sex a lot. There are only three characters developed beyond the merest cipher: Sean, played by James Van Der Beek (…yeah), Lauren, played by Shannyn Sossamon, and Paul, played by Somerhalder. The film is “rounded out” by the likes of Jessica Biel, Thomas Ian Nicholas, and Kate Bosworth (who’s on the DVD cover despite having less screen time than the title card).

The Beek’s character supposedly has to sell drugs to pay for college, although his interest in academics seems tepid at absolute best; he’s also a self-described “emotional vampire,” and I won’t bother making the obvious comment about his acting because you all probably beat me to it. Somerhalder, despite this and The Beek’s incredibly bushy eyebrows, has a crush on him. He’s not the only one, as a random girl leaves secret mash notes for The Beek throughout the first part of the film and then, distraught at him hooking up with someone else, offs herself bloodily in the bathtub. Think about that — she killed herself over The Beek. That is a sorry state of affairs, there. [“I considered it several times back in the day, but for different reasons, obviously.” — ed.] I mean, this is a dude who asks of Sossamon in all seriousness: “Since when does fucking someone else mean I’m not faithful to you?” I’m no prude, but…since always? The damn ceiling doesn’t even hold up when The Beek tries to hang himself!

Even a good throwaway moment in the film — Somerhalder wearing a t-shirt that reads “Masturbation Is Not A Crime” after his infamous fantasy kiss/jerking-off scene — is completely ruined by The Beek, who contraindicates the shirt’s message by immediately beating off to “Afternoon Delight.” Dawson ruins everything!

beektractionThe film is only okay to begin with, and the fact that it’s so clearly in love with itself magnifies its shortcomings. It’s watchable enough, visually interesting up to a point, and the fact that Somerhalder spends much of the film in boxer briefs and nothing else– there’s shirtless yoga, a getting-dressed montage, and a much-discussed dancing-on-a-bed scene with a friend/former fuck-buddy — doesn’t hurt. And while Van Der Beek alternates between cartoonish glowering and silly O-faces (that one’ll keep Sars up at night, heh [“I hate you” — ed.]), and Sossamon displays the energy and range of a deoxygenated goldfish, Somerhalder injects an easy playfulness into his character that’s mostly fun to watch. But indulgent conceits such as ritualistic playbacks of scenes in reverse, and an absolutely interminable split-screen sequence of Sossamon and Van Der Beek starting their day and eventually running into each other in front of a class (I know I always wanted to see the Beek taking a dump on screen) do little to mask the fact that almost nothing happens.

Many might say that that’s the point (especially fans of the Bret Easton Ellis book of the same name on which the story is based) — the combination of such palpable ennui and hedonism in these kids makes a profound statement. In response, I say this to you, screenwriter and director Roger Avary: twenty-year-olds binge drinking, doing drugs, and having casual sex that sometimes blurs the lines of sexual orientation? That’s not a statement. That’s college. I mean, in many spots, the film is fun, but if you want an example of kids doing this stuff that has an actual impact, maybe watch, say, Kids? As the opening VO of the film tells us, “It’s a story that might bore you, but you don’t have to listen.” Words to be heeded indeed.

The Backstory: I have discussed this with many people, especially many gay men, so I know I am not alone in thinking that Ian Somerhalder is rather aesthetically pleasing to regard. As for how I discovered this fact, I’d like to blame Lost or even Life As A House, but the fact is that The Beek is indirectly responsible, as I first saw Somerhalder in the short-lived Young Americans, a spin-off of Dawson’s Creek. (Not that I need to explain that to most readers here. Also, I suddenly want a Coke.) Seeing him frolic around the shores of Lake Homoerotica to The Steel Drums Of Non-Gay Love got me hooked. It’s a story that’s not pretty, but is definitely familiar.

The Embarrassment Level: Would only be a 5 on the merits I’ve described so far. However,it’s a 10. Because I listened to the commentary, parts of which are now infamous, and:

Ian Somerhalder’s A Douchebag: Ian Somerhalder’s a douchebag. A lot’s been made of certain parts of the commentary he did for the film, in which he talks about the kiss being so “uncomfortable” and “inherently wrong” (insert your own joke about The Beek here). He defends himself for those particular remarks, saying he was only talking about the physical abrasiveness of two guys with some amount of stubble making out. I decided to listen to the commentary to judge for myself, and it’s pretty clear that that’s true — in that narrow passage. He also claims to have many gay friends (yes, that tired refrain, but he’s been modeling since he was 10 — I’d find it hard to believe otherwise) and says they were horrified he was branded a homophobe over those remarks, which is possibly true.

But I have to tell you, it’s his statements in other parts of the commentary that are the problem for me. His description of the scene where he hits on Thomas Ian Nicholas’s character is grossly condescending, and whether he meant that hitting on a guy was so awful for him or that the problem was hitting on Nicholas himself, he still sounds disgusting. Same goes for his remarks during the dancing scene (he says he would never have done the shower scene referenced during the dancing, never) and the part where he complained that the director wouldn’t let him have a stand-in for a scene where his friend tries to give him a foot job under the table.

I mean, I don’t think the guy would beat up gays or anything close to that, but he got paid to play a gay character (why he’s billed as bisexual is beyond me), and to get all publicly hetero-panicked about every facet of that after the fact (there’s a telling comment about him having a “sad gay moment” at the end of the film) is not only offensive but really, really boring. Rounding out his general douchebaggery are numerous moments in which he complains about how disgusting the filming conditions were and a mention of Burning Man as if it were some well-kept secret, not to mention the part where he basically says he wants to be part of a Swoosie Kurtz/Faye Dunaway sandwich. I will give credit where credit’s due — the part where he stops discussing the gay-kiss scene to marvel out loud at the enormous zit on The Beek’s forehead made me laugh. But seriously, dude: next time drag the razor both ways, and tell the guy you’re making out with to do the same. It’s not rocket science.

John Ramos is a writer and film producer living in Los Angeles. You can reach him at couchbaron at gmail dot com.

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9 Comments »

  • Bean says:

    Saw the movie, not for a Somerhalder crush, but because of Jay Baruchel, who has, like, one line. Love him. For reals.

    On to the the relevant part of this comment: the bisexual thing. After I saw the film, someone told me the book was better so I read it. And then I disagreed. My memory of this one is hazy, but I believe Somerhalder’s Paul was an ex-boyfriend of Sossamon’s Lauren. Which would make him bi in the book, but not really in the movie.

    Okay, I’m done now.

  • Maura says:

    That this movie was based on a Brett Easton Ellis book overshadows any crush I might have on anyone in the movie. It wouldn’t matter if David Borneanaz, Timothy Hutton, Jeffrey Donovan and Paul Newman were in it.

  • Sandman says:

    How does Sossamon keep getting work? That’s what I want to know. The weakest of an exceedingly weak bunch.

  • Sandman says:

    Also: Somerhalder’s truly douchetronic, it’s true. And madly, deeply self-adoring.

  • RJ says:

    “Sossamon displays the energy and range of a deoxygenated goldfish” –

    Ah, how I love this line.

    I didn’t care for Somerhalder on “Lost,” and I probably will never see this movie, because watching/listening to anything with Mr. Fivehead (the Beek) makes me want to hang myself.

  • SarahW says:

    Oh, this one is so bad. I got it On Demand once bc it was on the free movies list. But I don’t even think I made it all the way through. The constant rewinding of the footage and restarting to show another character’s point of view? Annoying as hell.

    To say nothing of the blase “oh, whatevs!” way that Sossaman’s character handles her horrifying rape. I’m sure it was meant to play as “college girls get raped all the time and don’t report it or react as you’d expect them to” but it just sort of made me think the film wasn’t even recognizing what happens to her character as rape. Ugh, it turned my stomach.

  • RJ says:

    Sossamon also managed to star in “40 Days and 40 Nights,” which also features what qualifies as a rape scene (although Josh Hartnett is the victim) – yet another movie that appears to think nothing of sexual violence as “comedy.”

  • Jaybird says:

    I’m sure it’s just an unfortunate screen grab, but the shot of Somerhalder above makes him look like he just found his bunk at Camp Gump, and realized his butt itched. UNflattering, is what I mean.

    I can’t imagine anyone, of any gender or orientation, desiring the Beekster sexually. Desiring him for archery practice, yes, but not for scrumpery.

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    The misfortune was deliberate.

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