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Home » Culture and Criticism

The Nause-AA: Final Foarrff

Submitted by on September 19, 2012 – 3:40 PM29 Comments

Today's write-ups by both of us, as marked. To vote, scroll down; to see the bracket, click here. We'll leave these open a few days, so tell a friend (or queasy enemy).

You've probably got it knocked by now, but just in case, you'll want to vote for the food or taste you like the least. Against, not for, Survivor-style.

3 organ meats/offal vs. 3 raw oysters
I'm not surprised either of these are here. Even non-picky eaters will likely have problems with one or both, and I'd love to dub this particular match-up the "Filtration Final." Organ meats are there to process the body's detritus, and oysters are bottom-feeders. When you tip your head back for a briny slurp, you are actually sucking down the entire ocean's toilet. (Red Tide, anyone?) Of course, knowing the unsavory facts about these two competitors doesn't always knock people off their feed. I know hot dogs are chock-full of nips, lips, and bits, but it doesn't stop me from loving them. More people hate organ meats than raw oysters, so the bivalves probably will shuck off this round. — Keckler

Battle of the three seeds! This is my whole comment! I got nothin'! …No, really. It's apples and kidneys, kind of; offal is more of a psychological objection, I feel, and with raw oysters, it's 100 percent a texture problem. Each one is valid (although not shared by me), but you can't really compare them. I will predict that sliminess is worse, though. Oysters head into the final. — SDB

3 organ meats/offal vs. 3 raw oysters

  • organ meats/offal (56%, 454 Votes)
  • raw oysters (44%, 363 Votes)

Total Voters: 817

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5 fake cherry flavoring vs. 15 Lima beans
This is a weird matchup anyway, but when you add to that the fact that both contenders baaaaarely squeaked into the semis — fake cherry only beat okra by eight votes, friends! — I just don't even know. But it seems like more people hate Limas, and they hate them more passionately. Gang Green FTW. — SDB

I think this match-up is hilarious, mainly because 1. fake cherry flavoring isn't a food, Bunting, so its very inclusion is somewhat, shall we say, SUSPECT; and 2. I never see Lima beans anywhere! Because of their marked lack of presence in my life, I attribute their success in this bracket mainly to us all internalizing Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I'll call it for fake cherry flavoring because this bracket was rigged! RIGGED! ["Girl, I assure you, if I had rigged it, raisins would not have suffered an ignominiously early trouncing." — SDB] — Keckler

5 fake cherry flavoring vs. 15 Lima beans

  • Lima beans (57%, 463 Votes)
  • fake cherry flavoring (43%, 348 Votes)

Total Voters: 811

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  • SolitaryBlue says:

    Two things I haaaaate (offal and oysters) vs. two things I like (I like lima beans and fake cherry…well, to say I "like" it might be a bit much but I don't hate fake cherry flavoring).

    This one is SO HARD!

  • attica says:

    On the basis that I like oysters cooked, I had to vote the raw ones through.

    Seriously, though: Caulk for the win! Mortar gets a mortarboard!

  • Tylia says:

    If this had been a year ago, The organ meats vs. oysters would've been Sophie's choice of food hatred. As it is, after a wondrous night in New Orleans and my first taste of Oysters Rockefeller, I have since turned the corner on oysters. Certain organ meats on the other hand? Will always meet my wrath!

  • jen says:

    I can't believe fake cherry is beating LIMA BEANS, y'all. Slimy gross LIMA BEANS. They look like a science experiment gone wrong and when I see them all I can think of is a night without dessert. *Shudder.*

  • tcreole says:

    "I like to eat my oysters fried.
    That way I know my oysters died."
    — Ogden Nash

    This matchup is TOUGH for me, because I think both contenders are blorfingly gross. I voted for oysters in the end because, while I can imagine some circumstances under which I'll eat organ meats (e.g. the foie gras crème brulée at Sage in Las Vegas), there are NO circumstances under which I'd slurp down a giant salty Booger of the Sea.

  • RK says:

    Some sadist in our work cafeteria snuck lima beans into the chicken pastina soup last week. LIMA BEANS. In CHICKEN SOUP. UNACCEPTABLE.

    None of those mealy little bastards crossed *my* lips, though. We have a very effective Lima Bean Detecting System here, oh yes we do.

  • avis says:

    @SolitaryBlue and I are anti-soul mates on this.
    Two things I like/love (offal and oysters) vs. two things I haaaaate (lima beans and fake cherry, *shudder*).

    I am voting through organ meats ONLY because life without raw oysters is a sad, lonely one.

    I am voting through fake cherry flavor not because I hate limas more–they are both food abominations–but because fake cherry can sneak up on you. You go to eat an innocuous strawberry candy and…blarff! At least limas can't hide from you.

  • Jen S 1.0 says:

    Had to go with oysters as they are the slimy foot soldiers of my enemy, seafood.

    I don't care much about fake cherry flavoring, but as has been established, I quite like limas, so no contest there either. I remember getting to that page of Alexander and coming up a bit short, like when a new freind you've been getting on really well with suddenly confesses she hates your favorite TV show.

  • Krissa says:

    I couldn't stop myself; I imagined this as ingredients in a single dish. Foarff, indeed!

  • MizShrew says:

    Arrgh… my two childhood nemeses, fake cherry and lima beans, head to head! Had to vote for the fake cherry, only because I can imagine some bizarre circumstance where someone could maybe possibly make limas edible. Fake cherry, not so much. Always vile.

  • Empress says:

    I can't believe people don't like lima beans! They aren't slimy! They're carby and starchy and delicious. Butter them up toss with a generous dash of flake salt and Penzey's Sunny Paris and dinner is made. I eat leftovers cold for breakfast I love them so much.

  • ferretrick says:

    Did anyone else have the science experiment in like fifth grade where you put a lima bean in a plastic bag with water and dirt and waited for it to sprout? Yeah, mine never did. Still bitter about my C on that project. Fuck off, lima beans.

  • scout1222 says:

    Jen S 1.0 – ditto your entire comment.

  • Rachel says:

    I don't mind oysters (but nice try on ruining them, KECKLER), and I have been known to eat haggis, but I had to vote for the organ meats because I can only eat them if I can convince myself that they're not what they actually are. Whisky helps.

    As for the other bracket, I had to go with Lima beans (which I don't hate) because I loooooove fake cherry flavoring. LOVE IT. It tastes like "red" and it's my favorite. From cherry Tootsie pops and Jolly Ranchers to Luden's "cough drops" (yeah, right), gimme some of that bright fake red cancer-causing (probably) cherry badness!

  • FloridaErin says:

    I just . . . oysters or organ meat? Is death seriously not an option, here? HURRRRRR!

    I went with oysters, because a) raw and b) seafood.

  • Kim says:

    I couldn't stop myself; I imagined this as ingredients in a single dish. Foarff, indeed!

    @Krissa, I think this is the entire premise of "Chopped" on the Food Network.

  • Robin in Philly says:

    Voting organ meats, with relish! The smell of boiling lamb kidneys is the sort of thing you never forget. My parents used them for dog treats, and they made the entire house smell like hot urine. I ordered a steak-and-kidney pie once – ONCE! – while at university in England, and even the crust was infused with that pee note. Gag-o-riffic.

    Fake cherry, on the other hand, have always been my favouritest of candies, right up there with fake orange. I've never had to eat a lima bean (thank you, Mom, for hating them) and likely never will, so there goes my vote.

  • Sandman says:

    I just . . . oysters or organ meat? Is death seriously not an option, here? HURRRRRR!

    Right?? I had to go with raw (ulp) oysters (gurk).

    Still, I'm probably enjoying the collective squirm of the Nation here more than is entirely decent.

  • MaryBeth says:

    @Solitary Blue, we are twins. I'm afraid I belong to the What's Wrong With Fake Cherry club. I just don't get the hate. Fake watermelon is vile, and fake "green apple" tastes like soap, but fake cherry is just…. sweet. And with apologies to Alexander, I don't see how limas are different from any other pasty-textured beans. If you hate limas, do you also hate kidney beans, cannellini, great northerns, etc?

    I despise oysters and organ meats equally, but I'm still mad at offal for beating licorice in the last round, so I voted oysters out of spite.

  • Hannah says:

    It's the weirdest thing to be sitting at work at 9 a.m. and get a sudden, intense craving for fried chicken livers with lima beans (and a big scoop of creamy, butter mashed potatoes–NOM).

    Oysters are the only things on here that I don't like, and yet I have an elitist admiration for people who enjoy them–especially that they have nuanced flavors by region and body of water, like wine or something. I WANT to be that discerning.

    …then I come back to the fact that they're loogies on the half shell, and loogies are quite possibly the only things that make me gag and the mere thought. Glurbff.

  • Dorinda says:

    I never see Lima beans anywhere!

    I am willing to bet that this is because of a growing trend to call them by their other name, "butter beans". You must admit, it helps with the rebranding to escape the phrase that carries a big cultural "yuck" in its wake–and what better rebranding than "butter"? Mmmmm, butter.

    (See also, "prunes" vs. "dried plums".)

  • Jamie says:

    @MaryBeth, yes. All beans are gross. I'm not picking on the poor lima.

  • Heather says:

    Huh. As someone who enjoys a reputation as quite an adventurous eater there were very few things in any of these brackets that I actually dislike. But lo and behold two of my main hates, organ meats, and lima beans, made it all the way to the final four. The only other thing I would have liked to see more in the final four is the accursed melon (canteloupe and honeydew being particularly ralph-worthy, says I).

  • Sandman says:

    Wait, a butter bean is a lima bean is a phaseolus lunatus? I did not know this. I agree it sounds like a brilliant rebranding job? Mmmm, butter.

  • tcreole says:

    Good god, NO, Lima beans and butter beans are NOT the same thing! Lima beans are green and roughly the size of a nickel; butter beans are a buttery yellow color and two to three times as big as a Lima bean. They don't taste the same, either.

  • Leigh in CO says:

    @MaryBeth, yes. I'm 100% with @Jamie. I love chickpeas in the form of hummus, but, in general, beans are grossity-gross-gross-GROSS. I blame the forced Beanie Weenies in pre-school. The bile rises just thinking about Beanie Weenies.

  • Kat from Jersey says:

    I think my whole hatred of fake cherry flavored anything dates back to when I was five and pretending to be in a cough syrup commercial, and chugged back spoon after spoon of Vicks Formula 44, before my mom caught me. Ugh! I think fake cherry will sweep this whole thing.

  • Krissa says:

    @tcreole – lima or butter, the beans are the same. There is some difference regionally on young v. old, but they are exactly the same legume, phaseolus lunatus.

  • frogprof says:

    @Krissa and tcreole: I knew that butter beans were lima beans all growed up, but I definitely taste a YOOGE [reference? Anyone? Bueller?] difference between them. Butter beans 'n' ham were a cheap, filling main dish my mom would make in the winter [my preference: using the "leftovers" — HAHAHAHA — there IS no such thing — of the HoneyBaked ham from Christmas Eve dinner], and lima beans were punishment in the form of a "vegetable." Although I actually like them now — with enough bacon dripping in the cooking water.

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