MEMO
To: All And Sundry
From: J. Cortlandt Higginbotham, Head Writer, Jeopardy!
Re: New Format

Dear Fellow Jeopardy! Writers,

Welcome back from the holiday break — I hope you all feel relaxed and ready to tackle a new season.

As you all know, prior to the holidays Jeopardy! experienced a change in leadership. We don’t anticipate any major changes. Alex Trebek will remain as host of the program, and Jeopardy! will continue to feature the same exciting answer-and-question format. But the new producers do have some modifications in mind, and they would like to see these implemented as soon as possible.

First of all, they have removed the exclamation point from the end of Jeopardy!, citing “dorkiness” as the reason for their decision. Jeopardy! has now become simply Jeopardy. Second of all, they have elected to do away with the traditional “DA da DA da DA da DAAAA” music in the Final Jeopardy segment — over my strenuous objections, might I add — in favor of a new version mixed by two gentlemen called the Dust Brothers. This new Final Jeopardy theme will serve two purposes: to update the program and thus appeal to the coveted 18-25 demographic; and to add nearly six minutes to the time in which the contestants contemplate and submit their answers.

The producers have also decided to alter the substance of the categories in order to appeal to the largest number of possible viewers. According to the most recent research, Jeopardy‘s established subjects – The Constitution, 19th Century Authors, Potpourri, to name just a few — don’t draw the coveted market segments that the producers (and advertisers) rely on. In short, they want to “punch up” the categories, to give them some “edge,” as well as to appeal to trivia buffs “so hopeless that they know a bunch of ridiculous crap that nobody cares about.” (I quote, by the way, from the producers’ memo to me, dated last week.) To that end, they have submitted a list of topics for us to add to “the hopper.” This list appears below:

Olive Loaf
Quentin Tarantino
Odors And Stenches
Jonestown
Tax Law
Famous Child Molesters
Obscure Colors That Only Appear In Catalogs
Twitching
The Epiglottis
Lint
Muslims In Iowa
Feminine Hygiene Products
Songs That Get Stuck In Your Head
Bald Celebrities
Infomercials
Pac-Man
Alex Trebek’s Pretensions To French Pronunciation

Another portion of the producers’ memo mentions “taking the piss out of that self-important Canadian fuck,” which I believe might explain the last proposed category.

In any case, I remain — as always — available for questions and discussion. Changes of any kind take some getting used to, but I feel confident that our writing staff will make the necessary compromises and continue to create the best quiz program on television.

Yours,
Higgs

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