Baseball

“I wrote 63 songs this year. They’re all about Jeter.” Just kidding. The game we love, the players we hate, and more.

Culture and Criticism

From Norman Mailer to Wendy Pepper — everything on film, TV, books, music, and snacks (shut up, raisins), plus the Girls’ Bike Club.

Donors Choose and Contests

Helping public schools, winning prizes, sending a crazy lady in a tomato costume out in public.

Stories, True and Otherwise

Monologues, travelogues, fiction, and fart humor. And hens. Don’t forget the hens.

The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

Crush To Judgment
January 19, 1999 · No Comment

I used to work at a store in the Short Hills Mall called Cheers! (Not my exclamation point, just for the record.) Similar to a Hallmark store, but independently owned, Cheers! sold cards, wrapping paper, …

You Can Too Get Something For Nothing
January 19, 1999 · No Comment

This past weekend, the Biscuit and his friend Mr. Osbourne and I visited the Museum of Bad Art (also known as the MoBA) in Dedham, Massachusetts. The trip out to Dedham turned into a minor …

Like, Shut Up!
December 11, 1998 · No Comment

For the last week or so, New York City has enjoyed unseasonably
balmy weather, and I like warm sunny days as much as the next person, but I want it to get cold again. I can’t …

Ho Ho Ho Fishcakes
December 11, 1998 · No Comment

Dear Santa,
I know that you receive millions of letters every year, but perhaps mine will catch your eye. Please forgive me for failing to observe correct letter-to-Santa protocol; I couldn’t find a red crayon. I …

Behind The Curtain
November 11, 1998 · No Comment

This Tuesday, I get the entire day off in order to vote. This might sound ridiculous in light of the fact that, even in a Presidential election year, voting takes the average citizen a grand …

The Cultural Crime Library
November 11, 1998 · One Comment

Here in New York City, we have a so-called humor publication called The Rotten Apple. TRA models itself on (read: rips off without much success) magazines like The Onion and the Lampoon, but between the …

Sarah TV
November 11, 1998 · No Comment

Hobey, Warrior Feline
The occupants of the ninth floor lead tranquil lives, until an unmistakable jingling sound heralds the approach of pure evil, and the long shadow of terror falls over their happy hallway. Fuzzy Mousie …

All Aboard!
October 16, 1998 · No Comment

Recently, the Disco Biscuit moved from New York to Boston to begin his law school studies. Simply put, this kind of bites, but since I don’t have a choice, I’ve tried to make the best …

I Don’t Get That, Volume 1
October 16, 1998 · No Comment

I just don’t get some stuff. I don’t mean the complicated mysteries of the human body or the nature of the deity or anything lofty like that. I mean little everyday things. I’ve had a …

Radishes Are People Too
October 16, 1998 · One Comment

I don’t eat meat very often, because I can’t really afford it. Also, I don’t cook very well, and if I spend money on a nice piece of beef, I don’t want to ruin it …